The Maternal Jealousy part one

Shezadi

Introduction

This is my story!
This is my story!

Reasons

In my case, it involved all reasons!
In my case, it involved all reasons!

a. youth

She always compared her weight with mine because she was gaining weight as she aged and had my three siblings, whereas I was paper thin as a teenager. And she was also losing her hair whilst I had the longest and the thickest hair in class thanks to my mom's genetics. And as a result, she always told me to cut my hair. She convinced that long and thick hair didn't look good on me. Even today, she tells me to cut my hair because she is jealous of my long and thick hair. She even used to blame me for her hair loss by saying I gave her stress.

b. materialistic possessions

She always felt jealous whenever my father bought expensive presents for me even for my birthday. I always her the expensive presents my father bought for me but never knew that she used to envy it all along.

When my father bought me a more expensive and latest mobile phone, she felt jealous because her phone was old and cheaper. And I even got her evil eyes because I lost my phone one week later giving her a chance to taunt my father. She was so happy when I lost my phone.

And when I went to Pakistan for my maternal aunty's wedding and bought a yellow dress for the henna ceremony, it was for 4500 rupees, a big amount in those days. In those days, it was the highest price in the shop we visited for elite customers and we were elite customers as foreigners. And my mother wanted me to buy the cheaper dress worth 1000 rupees. But my dad listened to me and bought the expensive one and my mother immediately began throwng tantrums at him. She said now I will buy ten dresses.

This proves that even when it came to shopping, she competed with me. She compared how much money her husband spent on her vs how much money my father spent on me to see who was more important for him.

c. education

My mother had to drop out of school after she gave her exams for class eight because she had an arranged marriage at the age of 17 with my father. And this is something she regrets till today because she wanted to study ahead. However, she was orphan and poor. And her widow mother had three girls to raise in poverty, so she decided to reduce her responsibility on her shoulders by getting one girl married. Even today, poor South Asian families in villages get their teenage girls married to reduce their burden. And even when I was a child, she always told how she had to drop out of school to have an arranged marriage, how she wanted to study ahead, how much she loved studying, how she was a bright student. And she became even more bitter, when she saw me going to school and getting good grades. It reminded her of her past and her dream, her unfulfilled dream of studying. And she even told me that she regrets having me at the age of 20 because she thinks she was too young to become a mother. So, she regrets dropping out of school in class eight at the age of 17 even if she doesn't regret the marriage but she regrets dropping out of school and she regrets her having a baby at the age of 20, so me because I am her first child.

But what's funny is that she still loves her husband, who married her at the age of 17 and started a family when she was 20 and she loves her mother, who got her married with her cousin at the age of 17 but she hates me even though it is not my fault, she married her cousin at the age of 17 and had a baby at the age of 20.

When I got a place at UCL, world's seventh best university, even though I only went there for a year, she was rolling her eyes the entire time. She was rolling her eyes when my father was congratulating me. She didn't even congratulate me. She was even glaring at her husband when he was congratulating me. And she was even saying things like "what's the big deal, she hasn't broken mountains or landed on the moon, she isn't the first person to attend uni, she needs to stop showing off." She got triggered every time I spoke about this achievement. She didn't even let celebrate properly. In South Asian culture, we have this ritual, where we distributed sweets whenever we achieve something but she didn't let me do that either. Instead, she took few sweets out of one box and told me to distribute it using plates but I wanted to give everyone a separate box.

She also envied my freedom in the modern society compared to her restrictions in her era. She grew up in a Pakistani village in an old era, when girls didn't have freedom and even today, they don't. Whereas, I grew up in London. And I had more freedom because I wasn't expected to marry my cousin at the age of 17 due to poverty even I got a marriage proposal at the age of marriage from a cousin. My dad refused and said I was too young and need to focus on my education. The guy was also ten years older than me and had a beard.

d. young girl's relationship with father

I used to be a daddy's girl even though he was an abusive father. However, I used to forgive his physical abuse because that's how daughters are. When I turned 17, my father began becoming a better person so less abusive and began controlling his temper and his hands. I became optimistic thinking I will finally have a normal healthy father daughter relationship. I even began having conversations with him when he came from work just to ask how his day was and how my day was at school. That was improvement for me and a huge achievement.

However, once again everything was ruined when my mother began brainwashing him against me like a stepmother. Despite the fact, I suffered life threatening physical abuse all my life, she was still brainwashing him against me when he was trying to become more humane, a better person and a better father. He was trying to become less short-tempered.#

Instead of supporting him in this journey of becoming a better father and controlling his temper, she began brainwashing him against me like a stepmother. She used her husband as a weapon against me.

Every time, he came home tired from work, she would start complaining about me until she was out of breath. Sometimes, it would go on for hours. As a result, those little conversations with my father about how his day went at work and how my day went at school stopped because my mother would start complaining about me. This became her daily habit.

She was always sitting on the sofa waiting for her husband to arrive, so she can start bitching about me instead of letting him breathe after eight hours in the factory and giving him a glass of water. She wouldn't even let him eat dinner in peace. She would bitch about me whilst he ate his dinner. So, it was also exhausting for my father. When we come home tired, we need five minutes of peace and silence so we can breathe or drink a glass of water. A person bitching about someone for an hour is the last thing we need.

And this brainwashing happened for two years. I never got a chance to explain myself because I went upstairs and shut myself in the room. And my father like most husbands trusts my mother blindly. And last year in November, my father tried to murder me because of how much poison my mother filled in his heart for me. And I had to call the police! So, don't take brainwashing lightly because brainwashing caused my father to attempt my murder. And this was something I didn't even think of at the back of my head. I underestimated my mother's brainwashing. This happened when I was 19. And now I am 21, it has been two years and still my father hates me for calling the police and I hate him for trying to murder me but the actually root cause is my mother, who brainwashed my father against me. She is a devil, who turned father and daughter against each other despite the fact she was an orphan since the age of 7.

The Maternal Jealousy part one

My mother had to drop out of school at the age of 17 to have an arranged marriage with her cousin and this is something she regrets till today. She also regrets having me at the age of 20.

Statements by professionals like psychologists and psychiatrists

In my Asian community, parents are treated next to god
In my Asian community, parents are treated next to god
The Maternal Jealousy part one
This happened with me
This happened with me

Impact on the daughter

I never believed people when they called me beautiful!
I never believed people when they called me beautiful!
I was my own therapist. I wrote a diary to understand my mother.
I was my own therapist. I wrote a diary to understand my mother.
Story of my life- this breaks my heart every time I read it!
Story of my life- this breaks my heart every time I read it!
Suffered from depression all my life
Suffered from depression all my life

I became suicidal at the age of 15 because of her emotional abuse! I was actively thinking about suicide for a month. Whoever said words don't hurt got it very wrong because her emotional abuse made me suicidal. I preferred to take my own life than to suffer her emotional abuse everyday. And few years later, when I told her about my suicidal thoughts as a result of her emotional abuse, I was expecting her to feel remorse and guilt but she just laughed at my face!

Conclusion

This concept in psychology is very personal to me. What you read is not just an article but my entire life. This article feels more like my personal story. I can personally relate with every single word of this article. Many girls read this article and they were in tears because they felt like they were reading their own story. I also became emotional when I read about the bit how mothers even create tensions between father and daughter.

Many people are unaware about this concept in psychology because of the narrative, we have about mothers in the society, where mothers are considered sweet, angelic, loving and sacrificing. We view them almost next to god because we think their love is always pure and unconditional, and they can never wish ill for their child.

However, many daughters experienced the opposite of this narrative.

This narrative and positive stereotype needs to end because mothers are also humans, who can have negative human emotions. As human beings, they also have the capacity to be evil. We should be open to the possibility of even mothers being evil, so we can end the stigma around toxic, abusive and jealous mothers.

This narrative we have mothers is something many mothers take advantage of because they know that the society will never believe her daughter. Mothers can also use mother card to get away with emotional, mental and psychological abuse.

For example: jealous mother-in-laws, who can't deal with the fact that now they have to share their son with another woman, always use the mother card to brainwash their sons against their wives. And the mama's boy never believes anything against his mother because of the narrative he holds about his mother being sweet, angelic, loving and innocent. As a result, of this narrative, he trusts his mother blindly. And as a mother-in-law, she takes advantage of this blind trust to brainwash him against his wife.

She might even use the mother card and shed crocodile tears to appear innocent and make the daughter-in-law look evil by only telling the part that makes her look evil. And the son never knows the full story because his mother is double faced. She is a completely different person in his presence as a mother and something else as a mother-in-law in his absence, when he is at work.

Many sons have such a blind trust on their mothers that they don't even give their wives the chance to defend themselves against false accusations. As a result, they might end slapping their wives on the spot, they might kick her out or even divorce her on the spot by hearing their mother's side of the story.

This is because of the narrative the society holds about mothers being sweet, angelic, loving and innocent. The society is closed to the possibility of a mother being evil. The mama's boy is closed to the possibility of his mother being a evil mother-in-law. He thinks his mother is an angel and a saint.

And the same thing happens when there is a competition between the mother and the daughter. The husband is more likely to trust his wife than his daughter because it is human nature to give more importance to an elder's words. He also fails to understand that his wife is a different person as a wife in his presence and a completely different person as a mother to her daughter in his absence. She is also more likely to abuse her daughter emotionally, psychologically and mentally when her husband is at work because she doesn't want her husband to see her dark side. Hence, she has a switch on and off button. So, as soon as her hsuband comes home, she might turn into the sweetest angel in front of him. A bit like stepmother, who only loves her step children in front of the husband to make herself look good but abuses her step children in his absence.

Anyways, I hope this makes sense. I put in statements of professional like psychologists and psychiatrists because their statements carry more weight than mine but I added my story for examples, so people realise that this is not just a theory in psychology but also a reality because I can relate with every single word the psychologists and psychiatrists have said about this concept of maternal jealousy. And I had to type half of this again because it got deleted. This article took me four hours because I began typing my own story even though putting in the screenshots from articles only took 10 minutes.

Thank you for reading! And there will be part two because we can only add ten pictures in one article!

The Maternal Jealousy part one
6 Opinion