Finding Love, and What I Think about Relationships!

CubsterShura

This myTake is most probably going to turn into a personal rant that I am going to regret in the future. But these are just thoughts stewing and brewing in my mind and I needed to get them out, especially because I changed a lot as a person in the last few years.

Grab a snack, I guess.
Grab a snack, I guess.

I read a quote on Instagram once that said every guy who breaks your heart, directs your heart closer to the person who would take care of it. It really resonated with me because with every relationship I would learn about what I really wanted out of it.

My story (sob story)

Growing up I was never really optimistic about finding a righteous spouse, and I felt sad about it because I want marriage and kids. I was bullied throughout my school life, from as far back as pre-school till high school, and even after high school I get bullied on social media. You know how people say that if you have such a prolonged issue then maybe you are part of the problem? That thought made the prepubescent me think that, if that's the case then maybe when I get married my husband is also going to bully me, I will be abused. I thought I will have kids that will be mean to me and I will die alone. I think this mindset makes me act too defensive in relationships.

Being bullied is not fun.
Being bullied is not fun.

I don't get a lot of attention from guys, not even an anonymous confession. Not that I don't get any at all, I have been in a few relationships, but it is not as much as my female peers, and sometimes I felt like if I exit my relationship then I won't find anyone else.

The fact that I have vitiligo could be a dealbreaker for a romantic interest. My mother thinks that I cannot find a good man, and my very first boyfriend asked me what would he do if my vitiligo worsens and I start looking unattractive. It is a fair thing to be concerned about, especially because something like this can happen overnight and no one sees it coming. This is why I don't want someone who wants me only for my looks, or any other superficial reason. Humans are superficial and we can't expect anyone to like someone with absolutely no superficiality in their minds, but it should definitely not just stop there.

Hopefully he wont care.
Hopefully he won't care.

Do looks matter?

To an extent. This is why you should work on looking your best. I see many people blaming their singleness on their looks when in reality I think being so ugly to the point that no one will want you at all just because of your looks is extremely rare, most likely they have other issues like personality, low self-esteem, etc.

Looks shouldnt let you get away with this.
Looks shouldn't let you get away with this.

My bestie's father is an incredibly handsome man: tall, beautiful face, beautiful complexion, funny, etc. But he is also very abusive. I also know a very beautiful woman who manipulates her brother to abuse his wife. On the other hand, I have a distant uncle who is not conventionally attractive, but has two wives (polygamy is legal). His second wife is a beautiful woman from another country, they met when my uncle went to work abroad. When she is asked why she converted her religion to marry this already married unattractive guy who is shorter than her, she just smiles and says that she likes his intelligence and other inner qualities.

Vitiligo is very unpredictable and new white spots can appear overnight. It really serves me as an additional reminder of how temporary good looks can be. There is so little guarantee that we will keep looking good forever, it can fade away with age, it can be lost rapidly due to some disease, it can be lost in a split second because of an accident or disaster... we never know! So I figured that if it is true for me then it is true for others too.

So for all these things I have seen since I was little, I learned from a very young age looks aren't everything. That coupled with my bullying experience, makes me pray to God that I don't care if dear future husband is ugly, short, disabled, whatever, I just want someone who will treat me well and be faithful. I have other priorities.

Do I like older men?

For a long time I had no idea why I felt more secure and less anxious having conversations with guys who are 5+ years older than me. I think there are several underlying factors: My parents were older when they had me, my siblings are significantly older than me (I am 19, siblings are 31F and 28M), I have trouble getting along with my peers, I am not interested in things that those my age tend to be. I wouldn't claim to be mature for my age.

I guess many young girls had a thing for older men at some point.
I guess many young girls had a thing for older men at some point.

Most people would just say that women simply like older men because they are more mature, more established etc and girls mature earlier than boys so it is a no-brainer. But there are plenty of younger men who are rather mature, and I personally don't care if a guy isn't established yet. I have no problem with the thought of growing with him. So my preference for older guys is not primarily because of the maturity or establishment.

I feel like older men are less superficial/judgmental, which matters a lot to me. They have a better idea of what's too trivial to not care about, and they know better than giving up on relationships when there is a problem. It allows me to show my personality more freely.

Also, I kind of feel safe with them because they are out of my peer network, an environment that triggers a lot of my social anxiety. If I date someone from my school then it will open door for many more scandals, rumors and further social marginalizing. I don't need to be more traumatized than I already am!

Masculine, Manly, Alpha Men vs Feminine Ladylike Women

I had a phase of learning more about traditional masculinity and femininity and I felt like those who are too obsessed with it are playing some kind of parody. I value some traditions but not all. I like the idea of a man who can provide and protect, but I don't think he has to be all rugged and hyper-masculine. It makes me roll my eyes when a man does not carry out his duties towards his family but expects his wife to be obedient. I am also not a fan of categorizing people as Alpha or Beta, and anyone who uses them are too full of themselves.

I think people are very polarized on the matter of chivalry and traditional masculinity. Some people are like "a gentleman must open the door for his lady" and others want total egalitarianism, but I try to see the bigger picture. If he opens the door but then he doesn't care about me having a safe transportation, or he pays the bill but treats the waiter poorly then I won't be impressed. I don't care if he doesn't open the door, I don't mind splitting the bill, but if he doesn't seem to care if I went home safely or do other things that show genuine care, I am out.

Actual chivalry and gentlemanliness is NOT an act.

I dont want this, I want MORE than this.
I don't want this, I want MORE than this.

I have my own ambition in terms of higher education and career. But I know that maintaining work and kids is very difficult when you don't have other people to help you. My sister could go as far in her career as she could because my mother and I as well as other relatives have helped her to look after her baby when she went to work, and even then she says how stressful it is. On the other hand, I know a woman in the neighborhood who dropped out of college because she did not get as much help with her child, on top of that she had to do chores for her in-laws. There is no guarantee what will happen with me, only God knows!

It is up to people to decide when they want kids, but many people don't understand that having kids is not so easy. Many people delay having kids thinking that it will just happen when they want it, in other words they take their fertility and health for granted. There is very little education about how fertility declines with age, obviously for women but for men as well. I don't promote 'baby panic', in fact lack of awareness reinforces it. It is not sexist at all to learn more about our bodies. Oh and if you are considering having a child you should check with a gynecologist to ensure everything is ok or knowing about potential risks.

Whatever you decide, make sure it is AFTER youre informed!
Whatever you decide, make sure it is AFTER you're informed!

I think even if a woman wants to become a total stay-at-home wife/mother, she should get a higher education and job experience, and definitely work on developing her skills so that she can sustain herself when a man cannot provide for her. Saving is also very important, and investing is even better. Even if you are not keen to become a stereotypical independent woman, you need to be self-sufficient enough. We no more live in the days when women had to do tons of manual labor. Machines made our lives less laborious and more time-effective, and I see many housewives using their free time to gossip or watch toxic TV shows that don't teach anything. Don't be like that.

Speaking of Self-Sufficiency

I think many women are convinced that just having your own income makes you independent. First-off, I don't think anyone is ever independent. Humans are dependent on each other and self-sufficient is a better term in my opinion. But I really think it is important to be financially sufficient as well in terms of homemaking skills and emotional stability.

We can have our cake and eat it too.
We can have our cake and eat it too.

First one's a no-brainer. Homemaking is nothing to look down upon, even men have to be able to do them as grown adults. And mental/emotional stability is important to not become too desperate to the point that it clouds your judgment in finding a good man and makes you more vulnerable to being used by wrong men. It is not good for your private peace and public reputation. Please seek therapy or counseling if needed.

I am physically a weakling, and I was lifting weights in the gym to be a little stronger until corona happened. I want to work on my weaknesses one by one because I am not self-sufficient at all. I don't feel the need to be a badass boss babe who can do it all, and I strongly embrace the fact that men can't do everything that women can and women can't do everything that men can. However, we as individual members of the same species need to be able to stand on our own feet.

I think a lot of men need their significant other to be dependent on them to the point that they even feel the need to bring down their S.O. by making her quit her job or not liking it when she shows her own agency or self-sufficiency, even leading to extreme fetishes like Feederism. I think men like that really lack masculinity and feel better about themselves by looking down on their women. I don't think a confident man needs that. I myself don't want to be that pathetic so I try to be mentally strong and level-headed no matter how broken I am internally.

My rant is finally over. Thanks for your patience.

Finding Love, and What I Think about Relationships!
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Most Helpful Guys

  • bamesjond0069
    I agree with a lot but i disagree with a few points. The main obvious one is where you say:

    "I think even if a woman wants to become a total stay-at-home wife/mother, she should get a higher education and job experience, and definitely work on developing her skills so that she can sustain herself when a man cannot provide for her."

    So basic logic on this says how is it bad to have a backup plan? It could never be bad right? And sure thats true however you're spending a lot of opportunity on a backup plan that is taken away from your primary plan. Most people have to take out loans to go to college and take years and years to be able to pay it back. So if you want to be a stay at home mom and she gets 50k in debt from school she has now pidgen holed herself into only being able to find a rich man who can and is willing to pay off her school (schooling which provided him no benefit except a back up plan if she wants to leave him) OR she will be unable to be a stay at home mom since she will have to work for the next 10 years making payments on her debt meaning she will not be a stay at home mom.

    Its not as simple as just go and have a backup plan. Depending on the situation a girl getting a degree for a backup plan can shoot her dreams in the foot.

    The other issue i had was talking about masculinity and femininity. The reason why you see lots of men and women who are very strict with following the stereotypes and then also many who dont care and are not gentlemen and dont care is because its an ideology. Either you believe men are men and women are women and they are different and different is good. In which case this draws you to following specific roles and behaviors. OR you believe men and women are basically the same and they can do anything the other can do and its all whatever you want, in which case both men and women tend to gravitate toward a neutral middle ground of androgynous behaviors. there's not really other options.
    Is this still revelant?
    • First off, I don't see higher education and work experience as simply a 'backup plan'. It is still important for personal development. Also, expensive universities aren't your only way to get a good higher education. There are universities that don't rip you off, there are community colleges, there are scholarships, all that. Many universities abroad provide good higher education at low costs.

      And no, the topic of masculinity and femininity is not as black-and-white as people make it seem to be.

    • 1. Yes i agree community college doesn't have that issue and so thats a smart way to do it. But i think the decision in general needs to be carefully thought out because it isn't as black and white as education = good.

      2. Well i subscribe to the ideology that men and women are different and that is good. I feel good being as masculine as possible and im only attracted to very feminine women. Some of that is a choice some of that is naturally how i am. For me it is black and white. If i was less masculine id not attract the women im attracted to, that would be very bad. But lucky im naturally this way for a big part of it.

      You obviously think its not black and white and thats fine but that means you're playing in the middle areas. And you will be more likely to find men in the middle areas. Its just that simple.

    • I agree that education=good is false. Of course, the degree has to be something relevant and credible and not just there for the sake of it. And definitely not a subject that the person studying is not genuinely good at or interested in. If it is not something that can be useful to actually have a stable income and apply the knowledge in real life, it is useless.

    • Show All
  • AlphaGhost
    1) I don't think anyone will ever find you un-attractive cuz you have that unique innocence about yea with stereotypical feminine features which makes us stand out from the crowd/bunch.
    I am not tryna sound stupid BUT YOU LOOK PRETTY DAMNN HOT TO ME and I would have definitely gone after yea if you were in my area, don't listen to high school idiots cuz I will accept we are usually brain dead in that period of lifetime (lets ignore it)

    2) You are definitely way more mature than I was at the age of 19 and considering what I have seen you over the years... you have really turned out to be very good person with great personality with mature/modest approach towards taboo topics like equality and household stuff and I knida feel like that's perfect balance.

    You are 19-20 and trust me college guys are better than high school ones and you will find LOVE in life cuz You are Hot and "MATURE"... which is deadly combination every men will love to have
    Is this still revelant?
    • Didn't you say I'm just average? Did you change your mind or something? πŸ˜‚

    • Grond21

      I second what he said

    • AlphaGhost

      Damnn that was years ago and off today at-least 2+ years ago... people grow and their preference change and I may have tried to lift your sprit up here but everybody have unique characters that someone likes.
      You were 17(estimation) at that time and I was not trying to say something narly to underage girl But now I think about it... you are definitely average (you could have enjoyed compliment and live with that) compare to my Girlfriend.

      I still can't believe you remembered that cuz I scrolled down 2 years in opinion history and is still unable to find the comment you are referring too but considering myself I could have said something like that.
      Learn to TAKE COMPLIMENT when someone give it to you don't give... ohhh you said that past thing 😂

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girls

  • Elsa143
    Good looking people are more prone to attract fake narcissistic partner who has hidden agenda. It's a curse when a guy thinks of me as someone to play with and get over with.
    I got my insecurities, temper tantrums and unpredictable tests which can bring out the real character of a partner. Sadly I feel that I'll be alone forever and my chances are less because I want marriage without kids. What kind of a devoted and loyal man will accept that?
    Is this still revelant?
    • Paul09

      Plenty of men would accept that. I say the same about women. They all want kids. But are you only going for other "hot" men? People rarely seem to go for personalities.

    • Elsa143

      @Paul09 my crush is hot AF but he is superficial and is not content with many things so it's a turn off.

  • pink_and_inlove
    I honestly think that you will find someone for me it took time i was ignored online a lot on bumble until I finally found the most amazing guy and sweetest guy in the world. We’ve been together for almost 10 months now.
    Is this still revelant?
    • I thought I found my one and we were together for three years, broke up last month.

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What Girls & Guys Said

118
  • Jjpayne
    This was all very good and very well thought out! It was honestly a pleasure to read! I appreciate your honesty and openness! I think it's good to have that balance to be reasonable in relationships and appearance is not everything. We all age and age comes with its own set of issues. My brother recently started having his skin pigment change as well. I think it's less about focusing on that and more about focusing on your confidence. I will say this though, I've seen a woman that has lumps all her her body and very concentrated together. The lumps are considerably big and it's horrifying to look at. The most about of horrifying to me is the fact that she has to get up every day and go to work, and face other people. My heart goes out to her. I just wonder how she gets through life and what kinds of support she has. She has quite a lot of courage and emotional strength to go out every day. And if she can go out and do that, you can certainly find the confidence to go out with skin discoloration and confidently date. If the guy does not want you, then he was not right for you anyway. That's my two cents on it anyway
  • Grond21
    That was a beautiful read. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, as I always appreciate your perspective. And I feel like every time I read something like this from you, you are a growing more and more into your own person. More dependent on your own thoughts and feelings, more self-aware and yet more connected
    • Thank you I respect everyone giving them equal say and rights to their own personal life I have learned from my own personal life not to judge others but to give positive advice when needed and listen when it only call for listening because some people just want to blow off some steam.

  • I agree with a lot but I disagree with some points as well.

    1: I don't get a lot of attention from guys, not even an anonymous confession. Not that I don't get any at all, I have been in a few relationships, but it is not as much as my female peers, and sometimes I felt like if I exit my relationship then I won't find anyone else.

    The fact that I have vitiligo could be a dealbreaker for a romantic interest. My mother thinks that I cannot find a good man

    It's too bad you don't get a lot of male attention, but that doesn't mean you are unattractive or that you'll never find the righ guy, I understand having vitiligo makes your feel unattractive, but there is someone out there who don't care about that.

    2: I feel like older men are less superficial/judgmental,
    Not all men who are older are less superficial and judgmental.

    3: "I think even if a woman wants to become a total stay-at-home wife/mother, she should get a higher education and job experience, and definitely work on developing her skills so that she can sustain herself when a man cannot provide for her."
    High educated is a plus, but having job experience isn't that important. Having a degree and being able to find a job is the most important. It also depens on what degree you have. If you have a graphic design degree, you can work at home and get experience.

    4: I think many women are convinced that just having your own income makes you independent. First-off, I don't think anyone is ever independent. Humans are dependent on each other and self-sufficient is a better term in my opinion.
    To an extend. Not all people like to socialize, a lot of people are introverted and like to stay at home. Some people don't want to communicate with others, they are very silent and maybe shy people.
    • 1. I don't think I'm ugly or anything it's just a natural dealbreaker for most people.

      2. Sure not ALL older men are like that but that's generally how things tend to be.

      3. Job experience makes it easier to find a job later, and of course it's not that simple there are so many different types of degrees.

      4. Just because introverts don't socialize as much doesn't mean that they are independent and has absolutely no one in their life.

    • Skankhunt

      4. Just because introverts don't socialize as much doesn't mean that they are independent and has absolutely no one in their life.

      I didn't say that, I said that they don't need people around them to feel happy or fulfilled. Happiness comes from within, happiness is not based on materialistic things or relationships you have or had. If it does, that's not real hppiness.

    • Most young guys wants a woman who sets him out amongst all the other guys an old saying in sports when a man picks a woman he is picking a trophy wife. in my opinion this person is trying to make up for his short stature. and for you try looking deeper into yourself and not at your skin a lot of guys who dont judge will see a person for who they are. For instance I myself have been with many ladies through my years and I could never find that trophy wife because I didn't look for skin beauty I looked for the beauty within a person, but the women I was with wanted a life full of $$$ and not a real life full of love and commitment. My mother taught me to respect women and treat them as an equal if I fail to do so I can see my mother jump out of her grave and chace me with a switch.

  • MecheD
    I hope you find love !!! This my take was brilliant and well put together from the heart. Hands down keep it up and I’ll be looking out for one of your novels lbvs.
  • r_r_g
    Wow at the amount of text.
    If you think the prostitute from your image is a symbol of independence you are in for a really hard time.
    Those instagram 'influencers' - they all respond with an address and a times lot if you offer money.
    Independent my ass. Perhaps as an engineer or scientist. Certainly not as an escort (once your clientelle starts to chase you and after you get into the drugs they inevitably get you hooked on)
  • Paul09
    We just have to learn to live with ourselves. Keep on living and learning. And hope to run into a perfect match. But also we can not wait to be asked out. Both adults should be able too. And I think our insecurities get the best of us.
  • DudeDiligence
    Nice Take, CubsterShura. I enjoyed reading it. It seems you have matured over the last year or so. I sense less bitterness and sexism in you. I wish you the best and a happy 2021.
    • I'm probably more sexist now than I was before πŸ˜‚ happy new year

    • I guess you've just learned to hide it better then? Well, kudos to you for not spreading sexism and gender based hatred as openly as you used to.

    • I'm not hiding anything lol πŸ˜‚

  • Smegskull
    We confuse relationships with love a lot.
    Historically relationships are built from need and we don't need each other any more. Everyone can work for money and money can pay to fulfil any of our needs.
  • TheAfrikan
    Awesome great Lovely helping and uplifting take. At first I was scared and felt like it I too long and it won't n worthy my time and read. But something deep inside me kept me glued on to it and read word by word.
    Thanks for sharing your words and thoughts out to us and you are right that "it is not always beyter to settle with one because of their looks" because with Time looks do fed away, it is better to settle woth someone you find sexually attracted too and the one who has got that awesome personality you love.
  • Gedaria
    Yes , I see what you mean. But what day you bring. For love , and relationships you need to prop up your side?
  • Bhavin2184
    Good take..
    Can I ask you a question?
    Why polygamy is legal in your country?
    • Ask our government not me.

    • Bhavin2184

      So you are in Muslim living country..πŸ˜…..
      I live in India it was difficult to ban triple talak.
      In upcoming year we will ban multiple marriage in India..
      I personally that multiple marriage should be illegal..
      I hope in upcoming few centuries Mulsim country would consider multiple marriage illegally..

    • Polygyny is legal in Islam. Leave us alone.

    • Show All
  • IHateBeingaMan
    my mentality towards dating and relationships has changed over the years but i get very annoyed, enraged, when people call it a skillset
  • AkshiJanjua
    You are pretty Bangladeshi girl, don't worry you will find your love when the time comes 😄
  • I think your mind jumps between different issues rather than focuses on the main issue. The main issue above is how you feel about yourself. In the past i used to try hard to listen to chicks vent or even just talk, baring in mind that my mind is 80% full of my own things, they'd tell 100% of how they felt about every issue with no single detail missing and it's all emotional discharge and what happened when you empy 90-100% of your issue into a mind of a man that is already 80% full. He feels like jumping out of a window to escap lol. Bullying has always existed and if one stands up to it rather than take it in a crawl in sorrows, it could end. But your condition is a testament from God, accept it, be gratefull to be alive and live on. Our looks isn't what makes us
  • After reading your take you get more mature and sexit before
    Nice take
    Congratulations 🎉🎊
    • yes I am mature and I also am not sexest I believe in equao rights for women and women have an equal say in their relationships the one thing I can say is I was brought up in the age were the man goes out to work and the woman takes care of the children and household but after I got married and had 3 children I had a chat with my wife on her becoming employed to help on the bills and we shared the household chores and care for the children so being a sexset is totally wrong. I have experienced many different cultures since my early adulthood and I have a degree in counseling psychology so Im all for women having a say in all things of equal equality of life.

  • Jamie05rhs
    Great MyTake, Shura. Well said!
  • Massageman
    Great take. A couple of nice pix as well.
  • Nahid1707
    That’s understandable
  • nhacaiv9
    Thank you
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