Relationships

Secret for Better Relationships: Being Consistently Inconsistent

When The New Car Smell Is Gone:


Ever had a relationship that went into a rut? Where people started feeling like they don't have to try anymore? Where They became lazy and let things go?

For some relationships it seems, after a certain point, there is no excitement, no new things, no "rush". Just a predictable routine, in a very very boring way.

All relationships take work. Dont do the work and they slowly decay
All relationships take work. Don't do the work and they slowly decay

These ruts are not to be underestimated. They aren't the "normal" way of how things go. Even your "I love you"s could become meaningless. Sex could become arbitrary.

Left alone, they can change the course of your relationships, damage them severely, sometimes irreparably.

So why relationships sometimes feel stale? what can we do to fight or even prevent this?

Human Brain: A Peak Under The Hood

Human brain still holds many secrets away from scientists, but we do know a good amount about the brain cells and how they communicate. One of a key players here is Dopamine. Dopamine is a molecule that brain cells use as a messenger among themselves and other cells. When it reaches a certain amount in the brain, It causes the sensation of satisfaction, relaxation and happiness.


Common Dopamine-high situations you may have encountered:

-You get Goose bumps when you hear a music that you enjoy

-Sexual orgasm comes with a Dopamine peak (no pun intended)

-When you pet your pet, it is getting a Dopamine high and therefore feeling happy and relaxed.

Erection of the hair(Goose bumps) can be a result of an increase in dopamine levels...Or a cat fight.
Erection of the hair(Goose bumps) can be a result of an increase in dopamine levels...Or a cat fight.

A Dopamine release(either by a treat or petting), is actually one of the tools many people use to train domesticated animals.

Where The Messengers Are Plenty, The Message Is None:

During the second World War, Empire of Japan lunched a daring and destructive attack on Pearl Harbor. It has been documented that there had been warnings prior to the attack; So why no preventive action was taken? Too many false reports.

Our body works in a similar way. When exposed to similar amounts of Dopamine, our brain builds up a tolerance; It no longer responds to the same levels and needs more and more.

On top of that, after repeated exposure to a stimulus, the parts of brain responsible for the production of Dopamine build up a tolerance of their own. They don't release the levels Dopamine they used to, or they stop it outright.

So that's why you might not enjoy a song you have been listening this week as much as a song that you haven't listened to for some time. Your brain cells are used to the new song but "forgot the feeling" of the older one.

(So the new song's gotten old and the old song somehow became new again? My brain hurts thinking too hard about how brain works, Oh the irony.)

Constantly repeating stimuli are eventually just ignored.
Constantly repeating stimuli are eventually just ignored.

Being Consistently Inconsistent:

With repeated patterns and routines, an integral part of our modern life, You see how easy it can be for our brain to settle into a rut. But routines are there for a reason. They provide convenience and structure so we can align ourselves with the outside world in a comfortable and efficient manner. So what can we do?

Here is a simple and easy to remember solution:

1-Identify the relationships that need your attention: a romantic partner? a friend? Or do you need some time for a personal Dopamine detox? You don't need to constantly review and re-examine your every single relationship, but doesn't hurt to have the signs of a decaying relationship in the back of your mind.

2-Allocate Some Time so you can escape the routines. Shattering a Dopamine tolerance doesn't necessarily mean being impulsive. You can plan ahead and you should! Not everyone can just get up and do something new on the spot. People have responsibilities and obligations and you should be respective of that.

3-Plan ahead. This part is really dependent on the relationship and in what way and how much it is affected. You might want to try new spots or activities for your dates, or an "Anything Can Happen Thursday" with a friend, or maybe a new game to play with a group etc. The ideas are really limitless. You can always turn to your friends, or the web for fresh new ones.

4-Mix Things up! don't let your rut-busters become a routine of their own. For example, don't do "Anything Can Happen Thursday" every week! keep things fresh. It's good practice to have ideas and locked-up free time in your bag so you can have some flexibility in your schedule. Having this flexibility means you can adhere to your schedule and deadlines and at the same time, be able to live in the moment too.

Mixing things up is a good way of keeping things...fresh. I know. That was a low hanging fruit.
Mixing things up is a good way of keeping things...fresh. I know. That was a low hanging fruit.

so you need to consistently be improvising ways to break through your consistencies!

Thank you for reading!
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Secret for Better Relationships: Being Consistently Inconsistent
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