A word of caution to parents

[tallandsweet]

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while, and while a lot has happened, the thing I want to share with you all the most is a word of caution when it comes to raising your kids and the way you treat them as they grow up.

My Background

My dad wanted kids, my mom didn't. She eventually caved, was a stay at home mom until I started school and then went back to work. For as long as I can remember, I knew that she never wanted us and that she hated the fact that we had "ruined" her life. She loves me regardless, but she can't show it. I was raised in a middle class family that managed their money very well, hence I had a lot of great experiences with my family growing up.

However, currently, we barely have any relationship at all. I know that they wonder why, or they probably haven't realised yet what they've done, what I'll never be able to forgive, so I'll enlighten you so you hopefully don't make the same mistakes.

Photo by Dev Asangbam on Unsplash

#1 Your Love can never be conditional

... Or you shouldn't have kids, it's as simple as that. My Parents always tied their love to certain conditions, the most important one being that I share their religion, even as I grow up, mature, start thinking for myself and experiencing the world my way. While I stuck to their condition for 18 years, I couldn't after I had realised that their religion was a cult. I still haven't left officially, as this would mean that my parents would no longer be allowed to talk to me, and I'm not ready for that, but honestly, this whole thing has caused a major rift in our relationship.

I know their love is conditional, they've shown me so many times, and it's something I'll never understand. They have so much love to give, that's not the problem, but they're so ready to abandon their daughter over a difference in opinion, and that, to me, is sick.

#2 Listen first, talk afterwards

Sounds simple, but I get that it can be hard to accept that your kid messed up and that you can't confront them immediately. Take a few seconds to breathe. Don't say something you'll regret later.

All the racist remarks I've heard from my parents were uttered in contempt, anger and rage. They still haven't met my boyfriend, they still don't know anything about him, but they still have so many opinions. It saddens and angers me.

I've grown more and more protective of my life and my business over time as I've realised that I'll only face negativity if I'll talk about it.

Listen, without judging. Criticism, feedback is fine, but make sure you say it in a calm way.

[ohshee]

Your words are very real and very true you tell a lot of emotion is negative things has affected you and that's good that you're honest about their when you're saying them out loud but you don't live in a negative world I know you have thought many many times when I have children I would never ever treat my children like this and you won't you will teach them to be better than you to be smarter than you to be happier than you and how to succeed everything the bugs you right now that you dislike about your mom it is made you tough in love ways it'll make you even a better parent a better mother think about this what happens if your mother did get along with you just a little bit more than she does now and you actually likes her did you run speed just like her would she be your mentor I could tell you a story about me and the things that happened to me in my life without parents and with parents just because what you've been through look at the debt that you feel people feel love look at the death that you look into people's eyes wondering who they are you can read them you have more compassion gorgeous there I can tell you this

One day you're just going to smoke and you're going to accept it it is what it is it's over with your own your own don't worry you'll come full circle you'll have to deal with whatever's next like what you doing right now becoming a teacher your guide you're our warning parents you could say I was one of these kids but I'm not everything I've been through I could be that's not my choice and that's what parents have to do with kids they have to give me at Foundation they have to give them that what they have to give them nothing or something but it's up to the child soap to the kids do you have a good head on their shoulders and know which direction to go believe in themselves do you have that confidence the taking Take On The World I think you have that confidence I like your message in the post but I like your confidence and where you're headed even better

[MrJMM]

Exactly, I know firsthand how kids react to trauma since I have it. The reason a lot of people knew I had it was because I was very not vocal about stuff and if someone raised their hand near me I blocked my hands to protect myself. And people were weirded by the fact I just used my arms to protect myself as if someone would hit me but one person got it and was very upset. Never hit children, accept them for who they are, love them unconditionally, and be respectful of their opinion even if you don't like them because the more anger or disgust you talk about them the further they made and raised a child will isolate itself from the parent until it will be too late and maybe never talk to them again.

[KitsuneFoxSpirit]

@tallandsweet - Millions of children experience the same things a thousand times over on a yearly basis.

Instead of whining "poor me" be thankful that your parents cared enough to put food in your mouth & clothes on your back. Did not beat you so black & blue everyone at school knew you'd gotten a thrashing for days. Or did many, many worst things.

Millions of children experience far worse than you ever did. Think of others before you cry about your hard, hard life. A sheltered ignorant life more than anything.

[caitycat21]

You realize this is victim blaming? “Other people have it better” isn’t an argument, it seems like you’re just angry and want to argue instead of actually listening to what they have to say. Do better

[KitsuneFoxSpirit]

@caitycat21 Oh? What IS she a victim of? ...

Having parents who didn't beat her? Having parents who didn't starve her? Having parents who didn't sexually molest her or sell her to friends?

[caitycat21]

This is the logic of an abuser.

[caitycat21]

“I don’t treat you [insert worst thing possible here] so you can’t possibly br a victim”

a) do you know this person irl to even be making this assumptions? No

It’s very childish to go to such lengths just to be a piece of shit on the internet. Check yourself

[KitsuneFoxSpirit]

@caitycat21 ROFL. No where did I give an indication that I am an abuser. And no where am I victim blaming. Do you know how to read. Because for that matter no where did I say people are "better off" than her as you gibbered about the first time.

Rather she is BETTER OFF than many many children who are in far worst conditions. If ANYONE is a victim blamer it is YOU because you are implying she is a victim when she NEVER has been. And you are downplaying the REAL VICTIMS of childhood I mentioned.

[caitycat21]

You: IM NOT VICTIM BLAMING

also you: *continues to victim blame*

[ArtemisSilver]

Just because some people have it worse doesn't make her parents behavior acceptable.

[KitsuneFoxSpirit]

@caitycat21 ROFL. Do you realize how stupid you sound? Seriously. Completely stupid

[KitsuneFoxSpirit]

@ArtemisSilver And just what have her parents done?

[shaysh87]

Becoming a parent just to stay married to someone could really be the dumbest unwise decision ever. Conditional love is more of an old fashioned thing.

[Guy13]

Parenting is not for the weak spirited and weak hearted...

[Amy10223]

I agree with your points and I am sorry you were raised that way. Conditional love is wrong. I recently lost my dog after 14 years. I believe I cried more over him, than I did for my own mother (died when she had Alzheimers and from pneumonia). His love was unconditional, and he was always glad to see me after I had been gone a few hours or a few days. That bond was special and he was like my son!
Sometimes, as hard as it might seem, it is better to cut ties with people for your own sanity. You can also forgive your parents for being the way they are (were), but you don't need to agree with them, nor even be with them. if they are toxic, and I believe they sound like it--you don't have to engage with them.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I'm sorry about your misfortune in life and I often wonder why people have kids when they can't show true love my parents were similar and growing up my dad verbally abused me and my sister and my late mom sort of took on his personality it was so sad and I often went to my maternal grandparent's house but I failed to open up to tell them how I and my sister was being treated but it happened, I hope my dad can forgive himself for all the verbal abuse he did against us kids but only God knows also thanks for sharing your MyTake with us well written 👼🙏

[Unit1]

Huh. And I was supposedly a "wanted" child, yet lived through poverty (and I mean near skeleton starving grade poverty) and sort of slavery. The point I want to make with that is I rather be an unwanted middle class child than a wanted penniless child.

I can't encourage enough the importance of one's own autonomy and limit certain outside influences. Autonomy as in making your own money and having your own place unless if one's parents are cool people. And of course making your own decisions, not having them done for you.

There have been certain words in the past, which resulted in me being silent. I do not speak to my parents. They do not know about my private life.

[exitseven]

Being a parent is a big responsibility. I tried to think of all the things my parents did to me that I did not like and tried to do the opposite. I never spanked my kids and I tried to support them as the found their own path instead of pushing my own aspirations on them. As a result they turned out okay.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for all you've had to go through. I know it's not enough but I am sorry you had to suffer.

I'm also sorry for that somepeople are being so harsh and closed minded in the comments.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my parents as they have always been rather obvious that they prefer my sister. And they have made me very self conscious and removed. my confidence with a lot of what they have said. They basically have made it seem as tho I'm not normal for lacking if a dating life and gone between thinkjjfn I'm gay, straight or just going to be alone for life.

But I like. to think things will get better and I really hope they will for you.

[Waldoe]

I am glad to hear that even terrible parents can raise a caring and loving person... Glory be to the Almighty... he has given you strength and wisdom, also the "hard life" tempered your soul... Everything works to the glory of God... and that is the only time I have mentioned religion on here. No one cares to hear it, but sometimes I can't help it

[monkeynutts]

Relationships can be hard, friendships with others can often be far more easier than with biological family, it's probably something you should not dwell on too much, because it goes both ways, real friendships have to be honest, and conditions like religion generally don't factor into that equation, besides it's not your fault, your parents are adults.

[the_sinner]

You can take inspiration from your past traumas and be a wonderful parent for your future kid (s), I’m pretty sure about that. Also this mytake points out the key factors which children tend to overlook when it comes to parental behaviour.
I hope you’ll be able to make peace with your parents once you let your boyfriend meet them.

[GatewayRealm]

I ain’t Fitting to Read your book as Your a Human just like all these other Victims that don’t take responsibility. When you get yourself in a situation it then becomes your Fault. But you Victims love your pain. You love it so much You’d kill someone just so you can Feel the societal Pressure.
Like shit If you want Pressure I mean I don’t mind hitting a female if that’s what she wants me to do.

[KelleyNice]

Not all parents are good parents. If one or both of your parents are not good parents, because you inherit their genes, the odds are slightly greater that you will not be a good parent.

[Zerounfin]

Well, i can't imagine that there still people who can not see how precious kids are and if they don't want them from the beginning why to give a birth then?
I can feel how tough it is and what happened to you happens around the world and this is the worst mistake can never be done. Having a kid is always a choice, if your gonna give love and care then it's okay anything else is just stupidity.

[Blackcosmo]

Your word of caution to parents is really touching. These are all really important things you chose to speak about and I hope people are actually taking your advice.

[schittywok]

This is the same bullshit that was spelled out differently before time and time again. Your Daddy wanted the Cream Pie (could not would not do a rubber or pull and pray). Your Mommy didn't so much. Religion, blah blah blah. Fuck all. And be you.

[caitycat21]

You’re a grown man with the intellectual capacity of a teenage boy? Lmao

[schittywok]

@caitycat21 Sometimes I'm blunt and to the point. I'm not going to impregnate willy nilly. Won't even put myself in the position of having this scenario play out. If you think that's the intellectual capacity of a responsible person, that's fantastic.

[schittywok]

If you think I impregnate or do something that is akin to a jizz sock. Then, yes, my intellectual capacity is as retarded as a teen age boy.

[Staximus]

Tell them you're not going to be part of their cult anymore, and tell them that if they actually love you, they will still treat you like their daughter. You're an adult now, stand up for yourself. Be strong for yourself.

[Staximus]

There's only so much bullshit a person can take, and you don't need to tolerate anymore of it

[Anonymous]

You're now an adult. Whatever your childhood, you owe it to yourself to define yourself, understand yourself, let go of the pain and build your life to suit you. Keep them in your life. Don't keep them in your life. Up to you.

[Noodle_fan]

sorry to hear that , being parents is surely the hardest task for any adults
in the end , parents are also human , they are capable to make mistakes , too

[mobiusforniner]

Gawd are you my sister? Cuz my parents are the same...

[Sparkie460]

I'm sorry you grew up in that type of situation. I think if you have kids you will be a great mom to them.

[htmndg183]

Sorry to hear about your situation. The religion bit is fairly common and the 2nd point you raised is fairly common too. Humans aren't perfect, families from it.