Why people are so busy today, and what's it really mean in dating when they're too busy?

[DaveJord]

I know you have all been there before. You connect with someone, you go out on one of the most amazing first dates of your life. You have an amazing meal, you walk around the lake holding hands. You make out for 30 minutes and it's incredibly fun and invigorating.

She/He says they are busy with work stuff... so it might be a few weeks before they can really spend time together soon.

The days go by and they are always to busy to text or call. You set times for a phone date, but something always comes up. Texts go unanswered...

What does it mean?

In today's would it means you are not that important to them. Nobody on this planet is so busy they can't take 30 seconds to this;

"I am sorry I am so busy, but I miss you. We'll talk soon."

There is no excuse or amount of busy in a person's life to prevent them from being courteous to a person they sincerely are interested in. So honestly it only means two things.

1. You're not all that important to them. This could be because they met someone else, all their "buzy" is self imposed due to their own anxieties and loneliness. Yup, people intentionally stay busy, or create self imposed busy things to do all the time. Why? Out fear of themselves... being left alone with nothing to do leaves too much time alone with themselves. Anexity creeps in and turns depressive.

You would think dating someone would fill that empty spot in theirs lives. WRONG! Dating makes them feel even more vulnerable than the average person. Why, because they are undatable and they know it. If they invest their time in you, then they become incredibly vulnerable to the possibility it might not work out. Then what? Now they are not busy enough to escape themselves by burying themselves in mediocre tasks.

They find themselves alone again with themselves and it's even worse, then it was before.

2. The second reason, is the most important reason of all. Bottom line.. you just aren't and you probably never would be that important to them. They have wrapped themselves up in busy, because it's the wall they built to hide behind.

Why, because they are too busy of course. They don't even see it.

Don't take it personally. Trust me it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They were never really open to possibilities of dating you. They weren't lying to you, they were lying to themselves.

[MountAverage]

One thing I've learned in my years of dating experience, is that if someone is interested, they will find ways to at least write back, no matter how busy. People do have very busy, stressful phases, I do too. And I know that during these phases there's no room for dating stuff, temporarily. But you know what people who are interested will do then? They will text you and explain it to you and let you know they're interested and want to meet up once the stressful phase is over. And they will contact you when it's over, you won't have to remind them.
When you've just met and haven't started dating yet (let's say you've matched on an app and have only been talking for a while) then of course you can't expect them to view you as an important enough person in their lives yet to prioritize you. But if they're interested in dating and meeting and getting to know someone, they'll have to put a certain importance into that process. And if they can't, then they're clearly not ready to date.

[DaveJord]

If any of you know me form previous posts and you have an opinion of me in your mind.

Then read this man's post, he clearly illiterates the point I am trying to make, and I think he makes it better than I did.

[Radiate143]

I am a very busy person and my free time is limited. But, I wouldn't tell a person I am too busy for them. They would have to be understanding that I would literally have to fit them into my schedule and that may mean only seeing them once a week or week and a half.

Also, I am not about to sit in the phine texting you all night. And don't call me at 3am.

[BigDog1989]

The girl i like, will often text me around 3 am. She works for a bar on a few days

[Radiate143]

@BigDog1989 well, you have to take into account the situation. I wouldn't date a bartender though so again, don't text me at 3am.

[DaveJord]

Yeah I get that... 5 texts in 6 days... 3 unanswered... yeah you're not that busy. You're just not that interested so just ne upfront and honest about.

[Nemesis2k7]

Yea. exactly. if someone truly cared, they would say, please stop texting me, i am not interested in small talk or anything to do with you. otherwise, its bread crumbing. makes you hold onto a "chance' and hope with a woman. its narcissistic. when she has no chance of following through. or she says "lets just be friends" but gets all emotional and your her shoulder to cry on, and all the benefits of a relationship, FOR HER, but without a mans needs being met. ie " friendzone"

[Nemesis2k7]

I learned do not do that with a woman that friendzones you. dont share any emotion what so ever. treat her like one of the guys. call her "mate" and "sis" and all that, keep conversations short, and to the point, and business like. and keep it superficial. she will quickly get the idea, she has no power over you, and you have moved on to bigger and better things.

[DaveJord]

@Nemesis2k7 Bread Crumbing good point!

[Shiningtempest]

@Radiate143 Dating a busy woman isn't right for me because I can only date a woman with lots of free time. For me, a busy woman isn't compatible with my hobby-based lifestyle.

[DaveJord]

I gave you MHO, because you're a busy woman... but even though you are you can still step back and say that if you are going to put yourself out there actively participate in the dating game... then you have to willingly accept that you have to make the time to find time on some level and be willing to work that out together.

That my only point as well... because if you are too busy and you know that... then just stop wasting peoples times. Your obviously to busy and doing more damage then good to yourself or other people at large.

If your going to be out there actively searching, then you have to be open to the process and if you too busy to participate in that process then it honestly only becomes about sex because you are offering nothing more.

That true for both men and women.

[Shiningtempest]

@Radiate143 After reading your post, I concluded I'm incompatible with a busy woman. I require a lot of free time for the relationship to work.

[OlderAndWiser]

I never delved too deep into that excuse. I always assumed that it was a lie - for whatever reason - and that meant there was no future with this lady, so it’s time to move forward with some being here else.

[DaveJord]

See look here if you don't believe me, trust @OlderAndWiser... he's just older and wiser.

[OlderAndWiser]

"some being here else" = Someone else

Death to whoever invented autocorrect!

[Paris13]

You are Not on The Top of Their Priority List. Telling a FIB. xxoo

[sage2021]

I was seeing this guy and we'd go on a date maybe, but mostly hung out at his place with his family. Then I hadn't heard from him in a few weeks.
So, my girlfriend's and I go over to Applebee's and guess whose sitting at the bar drinking a beer. It was HIM, telling me he's been so busy that's why I haven't heard from him.
So, I got pissed. I started telling him we are all busy. Asking him if he thought he invented "busy" - like no one ever heard that excuse before.
Then I went and sat down with my friends. Soon we left. I didn't even wave or say goodbye to the creep.

Oh wait, Mr. Busy is calling. What? He says he wants to build a new porch and deck on my house cause the other one broke. "Wow, are you sure you're not too busy? - I mean you don't have time to call me, but you have time for man's work; building things with your power tools and your bare hands. Ok, sur, you can build me a deck and show your sawdust man glitter to me".

[DaveJord]

Sing it sister!!! I totally emphasize with you... like way even try to be dating if you're that busy.

Stop lying you're just not interested so stop with leading on.

[Kokoaquest]

Pretty negative view on why a woman would become busy and have less time to see you. It's a different environment we live in now and so women do have to work to survive. Not all women have the privilege of waiting at their family home to be courted to the man's convenience and have all the time in the world to share with a man who is intrested in them. Are you a man who can earn and support another being right now? If not then I'd say consider the fact that the women you date will be working women who won't always have the time to be with you but will be working instead. Also women have options of different men to see as well because of dating apps so you will only take priority if you're offering what the other 95%of men can't offer to her.

[BigDog1989]

If she wanted to be with you, she'd make the time. My mom works two jobs. But still goes on dates with my dad. 35+ years later (married in August of 1985)

[DaveJord]

Again... I get that they too busy to meet... but nobody who seriously interested is too busy to text once or twice a day. So that's only bullshit.

So or sooooo busy you can't do some light texting a few times a week... then you're not ready for dating. Just be honest about.

[DaveJord]

@BigDog1989 Exactly my piont... IF she was seriously interested. She would make time. That's my only piont... just stop lying about it and acting like it's cool. It's not. Your wasting descent men's time.

[BigDog1989]

Right

[Nemesis2k7]

rubbish. nothing negative about it. females hate being called out on their BULLSHIT mind games. you can spare 30 seconds to send an sms, even if it is "sorry i am busy with work, but i will get back to you :) " and follow through. dont leave someone hanging, just because you have an ego complex / power trip.

[Nemesis2k7]

Or she is so busy, texting another man, that is. one who validates her ego. with all the tech now days, and wrist watches that notify you of things, and how people are constantly on their phones, even at work. i see it all the time. people stop at red lights, and check their phones / facebook. bus stops, same thing. coming out of the bathroom, same thing, face in their screen.

[DaveJord]

@Nemesis2k7 I agree I am busy, but I will get back to you later... then two days later they act like nothing happened... other than leaving you hanging for 24 hours. The I am busy is totally appropriate it takes 30 seconds and I agree. But then its on you to follow through later, and yes I am waiting you to do that. It totally speaks to character.

[Shiningtempest]

@kokoaquest After reading your response, I concluded that dating a woman who's busy with job isn't right for me. For me, I can only date a woman who has a lot of free time.

[Kokoaquest]

Fair enough

[DaveJord]

Yeah, if has the kids full time and a job... it's a pass. There is a reason that she is struggling to make time, and there is a reason why she had three kids, with no man in sight. 50/50 If I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt that the guy was a dead beat. I mean she is 40 something, single, struggling to date, with three kids, not dad is sight... and doesn't have time to confirm dates, or answer. text.

These types have nothing to offer me, but sex. I am past that point in my life that I need more meaningless sex. I can go weeks without seeing you, as long as you pull out a calendar and say, aat this time and this place. If you cannot do that than its not dating, it's just hooking up when you have time, and that is not how truly loving and committed relationships work,

I will assume that all other women other than the ones online, know and understand this.

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

There are an off a lot of angles to approach this question. I don't think gender really matters anymore, by Wayfair is far more than I do. Some people may date simply to note to others that they are dating, others might be testing the waters for the first time, and others may be proofing a protective wall around themselves because it's not just that one person that you might be going on a date with, they have to think of their family or kids.
if you have a spectacular date with somebody, and it seems like weeks before you get together again, maybe just being patient is the way to go. Maybe not having great expectations is a good start. Just enjoy the date. Look at it as a chance to remember how to be yourself, and to be a kind person. Have a positive impact on that one little snippet of time with another person.

[DaveJord]

I want to agree, but most experts agree with me. They busy cause that's who they are, and you're just not that important to them.

Now I have been patient and played it that way... but bruh! The shit you wrote as to why... nah that's just shit you tell yourself to make yourself feel better.

If you mattered to her, or if she was interested... she'd not be too busy. She just doesn't want to take the time, because your not thar important to her. Because if you were, she'd find time to make time.

Trust me it's okay bro, if she's busy she's busy... I played the patient game... and got laid a few times... but even then... they just too busy.

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

I'm sorry to hear it Dave. I haven't been in the dating scene in a long time, and you know that. If my wife said goodbye to me, I would honestly not even attempt to date in today's world. I do hope that at some point somebody appreciate you and all of the other people looking for a real relationship in this world. I think it's one of the most important facets of being human, is to connect with others, and have them be a part of your enjoyment of life.

[DaveJord]

Thanks man, me to. Online dating I ha r found is pumped full of lairs and pretenders.

They ain't busy, they were just bored for day. They act interested because they really think they are... but then busy kicks in because they use that to hide their own insecurities.

He was a great guy and really fun... but I was just too busy. So it didn't work out. Wrong, throw up the Bull Shit flag and wave it high.

It didn't work out because you weren't busy, just that every other aspect of your life was more important to you then a text message... when your already on you phone 75% of the time anyway.

Nope busy is a BS excuse... your just not interested enough to show common decency to fellow human being.

[Nemesis2k7]

yea, too busy, not to busy to be on facebook though, getting attention and validation, not to busy to drink / smoke / do drugs / hang out with other people. but when all of that is gone, suddenly, they have free time, to talk to you, like its some sort of favor? uh.. no. be NO ONES backup plan

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe in someone being busy, I just think it’s another excuse. When you’re ready, you’re totally ready. I’ve heard that excuse legitimately once (last month :( ) and I could tell the guy probably wasn’t ready for a relationship with ME. He said he was busy with college and work.


I used to work part-time/full-time while in college and was also dating. The shortest my relationship ever lasted was a month, until I met my then-boyfriend. Our relationship lasted for over a year, and we were both working, going to college, and maintaining social lives.


Maybe it’s because we were young but we never slept, and always had time to hangout twice/three times a week while maintaining everything else. I don’t believe in being “too busy.” When you really like someone, you’ll make the time. If not… then, you probably don’t like them that much.


You either put in the time or you don’t. Simple.

[DaveJord]

Simple right? But they act like giving a shit about someone is worse then dating then... like why you even out here wanting to date?

[provokeesmokee]

Yeah, I agree with your points.

I ran into this with my exgf, where between my moving house, multiple stressors in her life, and work stress for both of us just made building a relationship not feasible.

Later I realized through her actions and what she says that she had/has a crush on her friend in the US.

Ending the relationship with her quickly felt good. And it made me happy to be able to move on quick.

[DaveJord]

Good for you, that's my point. What ever the factors are that contribute to your "busy" status... pre-existed before you met me... so if you knew that then way you wasting my time.

So yes, I cut ties quickly because its less stress and anxiety for me. Like whatever path or journey you are on... I would be more than willing to walk that with you, but you still got to make time for it. So don't waste my time with your drama, when I came as advertised.

[Nemesis2k7]

Well said. I am starting to realise this only now. bit slow on that one. Busy, is crap, they are testing you to see how long you will wait for them, and how desperate you are. when you stop replying or become "busy" yourself, suddenly, they call you and text you like the world is ending. its all mind games. its better to be civil, but treat them how they treat you. wait 5 days for a response from them? do the same. or better still, move on. i would rather give as a i get. and then maybe, they can learn to make 30 seconds available for someone they apparently care about. if not, i am outta there

[provokeesmokee]

Yeah, for sure.

I made time throughout my move and my work adjustments to hang out with her. But she couldn't give me the same.

Calling it off saved me a lot of pain.

[DaveJord]

@nemesis2k7 @provokeesmokee I 100% agree I have done the civil and been all nice and polite... and I have done the opposite... like I am over this you had you chance and buzz off. Like you already showed me who you are, your just unaware of it but everyone else knows.

Either way I don't need it in my life... just cut ties ASAP... if you do the whole wait and see... or the I will just start doing the same to them that they did to me. Then you are now playing games as well, even worse you are playing the game they wanted you to play. I tell them get lost and forget at this point. Its less stress for me. I really don't care anymore after that... but like I said I been down all those other roads... and it is not worth it.

[msc545]

Babe, the simplest explanation I can think of for which you've experienced is hypergamy. In hypergamy, which seems to affect a large majority of modern women, the woman is satisfied with what she has until something better comes along or something she thinks is better and then she goes off with that and that repeats over and over again. Well, the woman might have been happy with you for an afternoon and walking around the lake and making out a little bit, she probably met another guy that she thinks is better in some ways like more money. Taller or better looking and just simply went off with that guy. Women do this all the time. This is not personal to you at all.

[DaveJord]

I never heard of hypergramy... but I have mostly thought the same. Most of these types use their "busy" to hide themselves fr9m their own insecurities.

So like you said, for that afternoon at that time she needed so. ething to busy herself with and fill that time slot.

[Flowergirl33]

I would say try not to get pulled into a dating situation at all with someone that makes you wait more than a day because they are 'busy'. If the guy/girl is truly single, and not a single parent with young kids, and comes home from work every evening (vs being on the road or traveling for work and hosting meetings in overtime), ... like if they just have a 9-5 job, no kids, not caretaking for difficult parents, etc.. they are probably blowing you off and just drop them because it will be a frustrating situation for a long time. Try not to get pulled into the chase or the mystery of it. If you win them over at some point in the future, it will probably still suck in another way. It's not worth it.

[DaveJord]

100% I totally agree... yeah, nah that women was dumped before I even wrote that post. But you so very correct.

And even if they do have kids and are single, they go online and reconnecting with single men or women... I mean if they really do not have the time, then they really do not want a committed relationship, which is cool... but why you online if you are no there to hook up?

[colaman94]

I actually am keen not to be dating right now. And I'm very keen that I'm actually so busy I don't know how actual people are juggling a partner and offspring. Lol. I'm a hoot just trying to manage my schedule of commitments lol with family friends and so on 😆🤭🎉

[DaveJord]

Good for you man!

[Nirmroth]

Its just not worth the effort to spend time in something uncertainly or something you aren't really interested in.

If a guy/girl is into you, you will notice because they will make time for you in their day. Suddenly everything will be uncomplicated.

[DaveJord]

100% thanks

[Nemesis2k7]

100%

[Peter_Penetrator]

I believe in being an active person and having hobbies. I also believe in leisure time as well.


Too many folks try doing too much. The last thing they want is to juggle any kind of romantic relationship. Or if they are romantically involved, their partner ends up being neglected.

[exitseven]

Yes, I was with somebody for 4 years with somebody who was too busy for me. I always made fun of people that stayed in bad relationships because they thought that the other person would change. Now I get it.

[DaveJord]

Ikr.. I am guilty!

[exitseven]

It's one if life's many lessons.

[DaveJord]

Yup, once you lived through that process, you start to care less and less about all the other excuses people come up with. Like it's really not that hard, but then again, I guess it is. But all I know is that I am not tolerating that shit again.

[m33ladEmjay]

This is 1 of the reasons why I traveled or travel. 1st world people seem to act busy all the time. THEY'RE NOT!!!

Is the idea that if I am never available I AM SUCCESSFUL & important. of course they'll find out all the pain in their life when they're 60+ years old.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Really it's "I'm too busy FOR YOU"

[DaveJord]

Right!

[Nemesis2k7]

No one is too busy. if they like you, they will make time for you. fact. dont gaslight your self over it.

[DaveJord]

Agree!

[Anonymous]

They're busy building an empire or whatever but therefore shouldn't be dating at all because even the consideration of such is a waste of useful time

[DaveJord]

100% nailed my piont. Like stop it, your lyi. g toe and yourself. TOO BUSY, you just need to stop dating, and watering descent proples time.

[TheSpaceGnome]

There is no such thing as too busy for an SO.
I could be drawing, working, gaming, cleaning, reading, watching tv, sleeping, whatever, she can be present, chatty, and clingy for all of it.

[genericname85]

because people these days have to work 2 times as much to have as much as you had in your day.

[pathfinder69420]

It took me under 10 seconds to type this. I don't even know you. Someone who wants to connect with you will do so, regardless of how busy they are. It takes no time at all to connect with people we are genuinely interested in.