I am a virgin, but my boyfriend is not?

[Anonymous]

So here are the basic details. He's my first boyfriend. I've never had sex, all I've ever done with a guy before my boyfriend is kiss him. He's had sex with his ex of 3 years ago. He's 2 years older than me (19). I've seen stuff on Facebook like him saying he wants to marry her, him saying he loves her, calling her baby, etc. When ever I bring up how it upsets me he tells me their relationship wasn't real like ours and he was young and naive and that they dated for 2 years but after a year the love died. We've been dating for 7 month and he says already our relationship is much better than his exs.

My problem is I just can't stop thinking about it... I can't get over it. He's been my first for basically everything. And it seems like im not his first for everything. I've seen compliments he's put on girls pictures in the past and it makes me feel like nothing special since he's already told everything basically to other girls. I feel depressed like im just a repeat, like im second to everything. I... even cry about it sometimes -__- I've never been anyone's first. Im still a virgin and he respects that and will wait. But now I feel so upset that I don't want to have sex with him because he's been naked with another girl.

The only firsts I can think of for us is that we have cute nicknames we created for each other (but he could've called his ex stuff too I dunno) and he got roses for me. He told me he's never done that for a girl. He's told me im his first real love but I can't believe it. Expecially if he said to a previous girl he wanted to marry her too and had sex with her...

[AnonB17]

Reading this reminded me so much of how I used to be. I see you're getting a lot of negative responses from some of the girls on here, so I'm hoping to shed a different light on your situation. When I started dating my now ex boyfriend I had NO idea that he had dated girls before me. He was my second relationship, I was his third. I started off the relationship pretty badly by stalking his facebook page and exes pages, and this one, small mistake lead to a year of misery. I saw that he used to post about his ex (he never posted about me because he had grown out of social media by that point). In all the comments, were written the same "witty" romantic stuff that he was always saying to me. A lot like you, after reading this stuff I felt less special because my ex was essentially feeding me old used up tricks that he used on the girls before me. Even though I was the one dating him, and he didn't even talk to his exes anymore, i was still jealous. I didn't even wanna think about him kissing another girl or hugging another girl or just.. liking another girl lol. For almost a year of dating I held this against him. One day he finally had enough and dumped me. There were many reasons for why he made the decision, but guess what the top one was: me not letting go of the past. Especially in this day and age, I understand how easy it is to use social media as a means of spying on your boyfriends past, but please fight the temptation and don't do it. It's the past and it doesn't matter anymore. Harboring all that hurt and jealousy wasn't doing myself or my relationship any favors, and it was incredibly unfair to him. I know its hard to let things go. I've been in both positions. The one you're in and the one your boyfriend is in, so how about I give you some insight on your boyfriends end. In total I've had 2 boyfriends. I made out with the first one and had sex with the second. I can tell you that even though I had made out with the first, it didn't change anything with the second. I didn't compare the two, it didn't make the sex feel any less special or new. Even though I had sex with my ex, things are still OVER. Period. When you find out your partner isn't a virgin it can be upsetting and threatening because you feel like your partner had a very deep connection with the person they had sex with. Possibly deeper than the connection they have with you. Well that may have been the case AT THE TIME, but it's not anymore. And just because, MAYBE, they had a deep connection with someone else, doesn't mean they can't forge a deeper connection with you. I've had sex with my ex, but once I enter a new relationship with a new guy, the slate is now clean. Just forget about it hun, and if it bothers you that much, then he's not right for you...

[Asker]

Thanks, I asked this question a while ago so my feelings have changed on the subject. I have matured and I haven't thought about his ex until, well until reading this again xD but even then it doesn't phase me like it did before. I've gotten over it and I'm still with him today and things are much better now that I've let the past go.

Those girls were completely bitchy to me in the comments, like for god sakes he's my first boyfriend, I was seventeen xD but you're opinion is so sweet. I can relate so much to what you said, I felt the exact same way you did. And i've learned that most girls do feel that way with their boyfriends at first. It's just best not to let little things like that get to us and enjoy the current moments! Thank you so much for you input and being KIND about how you worded it, I really appreciate it! :D

Cheers! :)

[AnonB17]

Of course! I'm glad to hear you are doing better. Feel free to check out my profile and leave your thoughts on some of my posts!

[passingby123]

Thanks to both of you, I know finding this will help me a lot as I'm struggling with this and reading your experiences make me feel a lot better. Hope you're having a great day/night/whatever.

[Asker]

@passingby123 I'm glad this could help! I hope everything is going well for you! If you need any help I'm here! :)

[TheStatenIslandFairy]

MHO was already chosen so I'm just going to address something that really bothered me, if you don't mind.

How in the hell is it that the women here can't show any short of compassion for this girl? Well done to the guys for being gentlemen and actually answering her question instead of giving a bunch of catty responses.

This girl is under 18, of course she's going to have concerns like this. Telling her to get over herself is so rude for no reason and doesn't even answer her question. Kids are already filled with insecurities and concerns, why add to it? This isn't Mean Girls, stop being so damn bitchy.

Do you all genuinely feel this way? Or did you just assume that's what all the guys would say, so you jumped on the bandwagon and put this girl down to seem like you're some tough chick who thinks like one of the guys? At what point did being kind become a bad thing exactly?

Good luck Lissie, at least the guys answered your problem.

[Asker]

You are beyond amazing.

[Anonymous]

You need to work on your self-esteem.
I'm a virgin and my bf is probably on 50+ dude was a huge player before he met me. No surprise though, he's incredibly good looking.
The fact that there were women before me doesn't bother me in slightest, i think i'm the best thing he'll ever have looks wise, figure wise, personality wise etc.
I don't care if he's been this or that with other women, he's taken quite a few of my firsts but not everything.

[Asker]

Thats actually very inspiring. Quite possibly the best thing I've seen all day, thank you. But may I ask, how do you do it?

[Asker]

And you are right. Unfortunately I have had self-esteem issues ever since I can remember and it's not fun. But I seriously love my boyfriend dearly, I never want to lose him and he's told me many sweet things about us and our future and how he can't lose me either. But how can I get rid of this terrible negative mindset of the past? I hate it and im trying to stop but its taking over me. How do you do it? Whay do you tell yourself to make you the confident woman you are?

[Opinion Owner]

We'll I haven't slept with anyone part because i've never wanted to and part because i'm religious. I think of myself as a female version of him, i'm good looking i've had offers, i've always said no. He's not religious, he's good looking, he's has offers and had no reason to say no. Why should i hold it against him or any other man i've been with? (my ex was just past 30).
Right now he's so into me, he values me and he doesn't want anyone else. I'm nothing like his one night stands or ex's or flings. I think he's great and I trust him, he undeniably trusts me. I have no reason to hold his past against him. People change but bear in mind I know I did not change him.

I'm confident for too many reasons, pretty hard to explain (also pretty good at feigning modesty). But I'm aware i'm worth a lot and believe I can make anyone happy. I don't irrational crazy gf, i don't jump to conclusions instead i wait. I've got no baggage and am the sexy without the sex. How could he get any better.

[OmniSlug]

"Firsts" aren't really anything special, really. You can't go through life thinking that because he's been with someone else, he's "ruined." If you were to get another boyfriend, would you want him to think poorly of you because you were first someone else's girlfriend?

Life is more than that. Heck, "first time" stuff for ANYTHING -- relationship and otherwise -- is usually awkward and unskilled. Your boyfriend is NOT his past. Appreciate him in the PRESENT.

[Asker]

Yes that is true, thank you for showing me a different perspective.

[kambo_trick3y]

Personally I don't see why everyone wants you to "get over yourself."

You're a virgin, thus, you have a right to set a standard that you want another virgin. I mean, it'd be a different story if you WEREN'T a virgin and you demanded another virgin guy to be with you, but you aren't.

You ARE practicing what you preach, so, technically, yeah you shouldn't have to get over yourself.

[Asker]

Woah... thank you :o and here I was wondering to myself if I was crazy or something? Thank you, it really means a lot to just have one person understand :)

[Vennie]

Then nothing wrong if you want to seek for a virgin guy Asker. My first time was also important for me and I did it with a virgin guy in return.

[existing_not_living]

We are not telling her to lessen her standards, we are telling her that if she can't handle someone who doesn't preach what she does then she needs to deal with it and stop whining about it to him. @kambo_trick3y

[Asker]

@existing_not_living this is an advice site. I came her to ask for advice. Not for people like you to come here and tell me "deal with it". Why would you go on an advice site and tell someone to deal with their problems?

[OpinionnotHate]

If you're a virgin the best and only advice anyone with a right mind should give you is to wait till marriage don't waste something special on someone who might not matter and save it for someone who it will matter with, even if the guy says he loves you and will be with you forever don't do it till he's at least proposed. Just my opinion not hate.

[Asker]

No definitely not hating on that one. Im not exactly religious but I completely agree on the idea of sex after marriage. I may marry my boyfriend, I may marry another guy, but either way I am not planning on having sex until marriage. At least then I know it really means something. Right?

[OpinionnotHate]

I agree a 100% with you that it would then mean something. Which I think is what matters most especially in the fact that I believe that almost insures for a ever lasting marriage which on the other hand sex shouldn't be a determining factor for that but in reality it is somewhat now and days.

[Anonymous]

The girls who answered so far aren't being mean. They're being honest. You're upset over something silly. Why do you feel less special just because you're not your bf's first? You think he's special enough that you're with him. It's normal to feel jealous if he compliments other girls, but these are his exes. Doesn't that mean you're special to him if he's no longer with them, but with you instead? All the nice things he said to his exes doesn't matter, because he's now yours.

[Asker]

Yes, thank you for putting it in that perspective, I agree. I do not see it as silly because it was the type of atmosphere I was raised in, all these girls talk about being pure and being with a virgin and all that crap. For future references I would hope people are not sp quick to judge and understand another person's p. o. v. first.

[MaskedSanity]

So what, because he had a previous relationship, he's not good enough for you? He doesn't "truly" love you because of his past infatuations?

How would you feel, if the roles were reversed? He is going to dump you very quickly if you keep nagging him about this and then YOU will be in the exact same situation you're putting him in. Would you enjoy being told your feelings are not genuine, because you liked someone else in the past? Don't think so.

@existing_not_living is absolutely right. You need to get over yourself and your obsession with this "first" thing, because it means NOTHING.

You're clearly not ready for a relationship and get overly emotional over the pettiest of things. I don't see this relationship lasting very long, if you carry on doing what you're doing.

[Asker]

Yeah whatever

[MaskedSanity]

Sigh... typical teenager response.

[Asker]

Well how would you like me to respond ma'am? :)

[MaskedSanity]

In a way that shows you have acknowledged what is said and applied a little bit of criticism to yourself. Not everyone is going to tell you what you want to hear.

[Asker]

I do acknowledge what you've said. The part about my relationship not lasting long is unnecessary. You could've just told me your advice, I don't need to know your pointless predictions about my future.

[Asker]

I can take criticism. But why am I going to listen to someone telling me my relationship isn't going to last? Good luck on whoever dates you too chick.

[MaskedSanity]

If you stop pestering your man over this, then it has a higher likelihood to last. There's only so much each person can take. If I was in his shoes, I'd feel like nothing I do is ever good enough and that I'm not good enough, so it's pointless.

I'm in a long-term happy relationship with my darling. Thanks. :)

[Asker]

Good for you.

[Asker]

Don't mess up, he's just as likely to leave you too ;)

[MaskedSanity]

Well, I don't fret over his sexual past and don't believe that he loves me less because of it, so I think I'm good. :P

[Asker]

Don't get too comfy

[MaskedSanity]

Too late, coming up to 3 years of living comfortably together. :D

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I said your relationship may not last with malicious intent. I'm just pointing out that such behaviour tends to ruin things and people have their limits.

There's really no point in you making jabs at my relationship, it won't make you feel any better finding out how successful it is despite your desire for it to fail.

[Asker]

Im not jabbing. Dont get cocky in yourself.

[Asker]

Im really tired of talking to you. I am going to get away from you now.

[MaskedSanity]

Ok, have fun.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You're going to have to get over it. He won't be your last boyfriend and to your next boyfriend you'll be the equivalent of your boyfriend to that guy. People have pasts. People have felt like they are "in love" with many of them. The fact is that you are capable of loving more than one person in your life.

[Asker]

My mother has married her high school sweetheart and is still with my father. I feel as though im following her footsteps. I love my boyfriend and see a future for us as well as he does. We always talk about our future together. I just need help getting over this problem I guess...

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Your mother is the RARE exception, not the norm.

[Asker]

Yes that is definitely true.

[Vennie]

Nothing bad with wanting to follow that path Asker. Don't settle just because others are telling you to ''Oh get over it''. If you don't want that and truly want to also be a guy's first, seek for that. Never feel like you're settling because that's the saddest thing someone can do in life.

[Asker]

Well thank you :) Im going to stick with my boyfriend though because I love him dearly. I would just like someone to give me advice on how to get this bad thought out of my head, what are the positive things to think? You know?

[itsgeorge]

Both of you are young and inexperienced.

and I understand where he's coming from about being you a and naive. We've all been there.

you'll have many more experiences than this. Chances are you two won't go on forever. So the fact that he's more experienced than you means nothing except he's more experienced.

there are millions of other beautiful girls and boys in the world. I'm sure you've seen other guys and thought how beautiful. Well, guys do the same too.

get over the jealousy. Its childish. And its childish because of the reason. (jealousy can be adultish if it were for a different reason)

[Asker]

Thank you. But I'd appreciate if people would stop saying how my relationship is not going to last. Maybe it will and maybe it won't but its definitely not up for you people to decide.

[itsgeorge]

I didn't mean that as a definite statement. But yeah it light last. It might not.

and we all say it won't because you have so many more people to meet. And you as a person still have a lot of growing to do. You're still so young. So to say that you're first boyfriend is the person you'll marry is far off.

but I do admit its still possible.

[Asker]

Ah I see, I understand. Well thank you for that

[KBob93]

Being one's first isn't the same as being one's best.

[Asker]

Ah very true, I see your point there! :)

[existing_not_living]

No offense, but get over yourself. You are obviously not ready for a relationship if this is how you are going to act in one. Look around you. Open your eyes. Many guys that you date are going to have a relationship with other people before you. If you can't handle that, then don't date. Remember, I'm sure you will be with someone after him. I doubt they will be as upset as you are right now when you talk about your ex.

[Asker]

I love how mean girls are. :) Im simply asking for help.

[ShaeNielson]

She is not mean at all, she is just telling you the truth. You are the one acting like a whiney bitch, in all the responses, that doesn't suit you.

[existing_not_living]

I'm simply telling you the truth. I'm not trying to be mean at all and if you feel that way, then oh well, because I'm not going to say sorry for answering your question with honesty. @Asker

[Asker]

The last thing I want is an apology from you. I wanted some advice not some chick who thinks she knows everything. @existing_not_living

[existing_not_living]

I don't believe I know everything. I have a lot to learn and I'm excited to learn it. I did give you advice. Open your eyes and look around you. I gave you help. If you don't want to take it, then fine, don't. Oh, and I'm not "some chick". K? Bye.

[Asker]

Oh stop acting like some darling angel. You gave me no advice. Telling me to "get over myself" is not advice its just rude. You're no help at all. Your just stating the obvious. I know people have pasts! Im asking how I can get over my worries! And you're right you're not some chick you're some bitch.

[2SweetSue]

I'd rather date a virgin if Im a virgin

[RationalMale]

Well, why not look for a virgin guy to date?

[Asker]

Well I love my boyfriend though, I don't want to break up with him for that. I just need to find out how to get over that one thing ya know?

[RationalMale]

ok. then you're choosing to be with a guy who talks about how much he loves his ex and who hits on other girls. just be ok with that.

[Asker]

No he doesn't talk about his ex. I've just seen stuff on his facebook. He's told me countless times he regrets his past and wishes he could change it.

[Anonymous]

I think you just need to get over it. He have done nothing wrong.

[Asker]

If you're here to tell me to "get over it" dont even bother typing, your opinion is not wanted.

[Opinion Owner]

This is not like a buffet, where you're in charge, of what you get on your plate. If you ask for opinions, then you are gonna accept all of them. Grow up.

[Asker]

Yeah well I dont have time for pointless ones like yours. Kma darling ;*

[Opinion Owner]

You seriously need to stop acting like a 5 year old, and learn to handle reality. Are you even ready for a relationship? :)

[Asker]

Lol okay tell me in what way I am acting like a "5 year old"? I hope your ready for my response. :)

[Opinion Owner]

You can't handle people not agreeing with you, or not getting it your way. You only want answers that match your opinion. And your responses are sassy and childish. Like these: "Yeah whatever" and "Well how would you like me to respond ma'am? :)"

[Asker]

Hmm first of all what I said to another person is not your business. Second of all I can take criticism. Tell me to get over it is bs advice and important. How would you feel if someone told you to get over all your problems? Wtf? Come back when you have something intelligent to say please.

[Asker]

*unimportant

[Opinion Owner]

It's an overall look, it tells how you act in general, since she wasn't the only one you gave a sassy respond. It's not criticism, it's just telling you, that you worry over nothing. That your boyfriend have done nothing wrong, and you are the one, that needs to get over this/his past.
If I freaked over something stupid, I would expect people to tell me so. That's real life.

[Asker]

Yeah well I came here for people to help me, not to tell me irrelevant stuff. Unfortunately I guess I did not make it clear for people as dimwitted as you. Did I ask in my question if I was overreacting over this? No. I am asking for advice on how to stop thinking about it.

[Opinion Owner]

But this isn't irrelevant, it's a help. Im telling you that he didn't do anything wrong, how is that irrelevant? You want me to tell you he is an asshole, and that you should dump him, for having had a girlfriend before you? I mean seriously, that's just stupid..

[Downanddepressed]

Go find yourself a virgin man ;)

[Vennie]

That makes sense. I did that when I was a virgin.