My boyfriends laziness is making me resent him?

[Anonymous]

So let me break this down for you first,
#1 He has no job, and hasn't since LAST December when he was laid off.
#2 I can't say that its an addiction because I used to smoke enough pot to get a small army high everyday, but litterally ALL he does with his day is play swtor and smoke pot, thats it. Shower, eat, smoke, videogames (Don't get me wrong Ill binge on vids myself but I would go crazy if I didn't go to work everyday), then more pot, then bed, he isin't addicted but FULLY and ENTIRELY dependent on it.
#3 As said in my second statement, he has no fricken job, so now here I am (a 20 yr old woman) working my fucking TAIL off to fully and entirely support him (a 23 yr old lazy poo-poo head) just so he can sit back, kick his feet up, stay at home all day, smoke pot and play video games, and guess what? I let it happen. For a YEAR now Im the only one with any income, here I am, bringing home the bacon.. And because I feel so bad when he goes without I CONTINUE to do it.. I fucking love that friggen moron. Whyyy, whyyyy does he take advantage of my generosity and love for him, gaaawddaaamnit. I litterally don't know how to talk to him seriously about it, his anger/self loathing is standing in the way of a successful and happy life, wich I might add that I would enjoy having with him!! He gets so angry, and then he acts pitiful... Uhg. Anyone else feel me? .. what do? ... :( I don't want to leave him, so Im looking for alternatives, not gunna lie were both very much in love and quite honestly also somewhat co-dependent, so time apart wouldn't work.. It would break my little fricken heart... Ermagerd, whaaaat doooooooooooooo? :(

Updates

+1 y

Alright so I talked tp him about the whole job thing again this morning, I told him that Im not a cold hearted ice queen that I understand its the holiday season so Im not expecting him to have a job by tomorrow, but I told him to try his best and have one by February 27th... my birthday.. wich is actually what I told him last year... here's hoping he gets the big picture, get your shit together or kick rocks, I need a king... not a jester.. :'(

[Anonymous]

This is a pretty common situation. Basically, he has no reason to work or do anything productive. I mean, why should he? You do everything and provide for him. He has it made. He can smoke and lay around all day because you're doing all the work. It's the same thing as if a 23yr old man continues to live with his parents without going to school, paying rent, or having a job. Why should he? He has it made.

You should break up with him now and save yourself the trouble and frustration. Let him know that you love him but you can only be in a relationship where he's actually doing something and not just lazing around. If being in a relationship with you is so important to him, he will get up off his ass and make an effort to help you out.

If you can't see yourself doing this, give him more of a push. Tell him that he needs to get a job (within a set period of time) or he can't continue to mooch off of you. Focus on small goals. Tell him by end of the week, he has to have applied to at least 2 jobs or he's out. Tell him by the end of the month, he has to have applied to 10 jobs. Tell him in the mean time, he has to help out around the house.

I know that you love him, but it's really not fair that he's getting all this reward for nothing. The real world doesn't work like that and he needs to learn that, either now or later when he's in a much worse situation.

[meggyhertz]

Honestly, I dated a guy like this for 4 years between the ages of 16-20. He got me into pot too, but I was always double major with a job that required a great deal of responsibility. I probably smoked too much then, but it was my play time since I worked so hard. My bf was overweight, lacked a great deal in personal hygiene, was emotionally abusive, had no job, barely went to school and played video games all day, every day. It was pathetic. He was a victim and manipulative at that. I tried for a long time to help him get out of it, but at the end of the day people only change when it's absolutely necessary or they make a great, great conscious effort to do so. If you want to give him one last change (feb. 27) then that's up to you, but don't expect miracles. He may get a job just to please you and leave it shortly after.

After breaking up with my bf, I was so incredibly happy that I hardly even recognized myself. My life has done a 180 and I couldn't be more pleased. I know it's tough to leave someone with whom you feel so close and with whom you have shared so much, but sometimes the hardest things to do are by far the most gratifying. Good luck to you. You sound like a very sweet girl. Don't waste too much time on someone who so clearly has no ambitions or desire to take care of you.

[hypnicjerk]

You gotta give him an ultimatum, gf. He's in a happy little rut and you're either going to blow up and break up, which would be valid, or communicate and get him off his ass. I don't see a lot of alternatives.

[DonkeyKong1979]

There are others making good points about your immediate situation, but to be honest, the more important thing you need to ask is why do you feel the need to enable him? It's been a year you've put up with this already, you've already pretty much discounted leaving him permanently or temporarily as an option and you describe yourself as co-dependent. Do you have an emotional need that's being fulfilled by having someone who is reliant and dependent on you, practically as well as emotionally?

Problem is that the longer you enable him, the harder it will be for him to change and the worse his emotional state will become. Even bigger problem for you is that if you don't get to the bottom of that, regardless of how it turns out with this guy you might be doomed to wind up in the same situation over and over, passing up chances to be in healthy relationships with motivated, self sufficient men to end up with losers who depend on you to for everything. I've seen it play out that way before.

[Asker]

Well let me tell you something, if I wanted to support another person other than myself, I would have a child. I like him being emotionally dependent with me, but NOT financially, I love independenc I find it attractive when a man is ambitious, but his laid back approach at life (financially) is driving a huge wedge between us

[Asker]

Im fully aware Im enabling it, but Im on the road to changin BOTH of our behaviour... hence why Im asking for advice on alternatives actions from people with possible simular situations..

[DonkeyKong1979]

Well if that's really true, you have to do some of the things you said in your question you didn't want to do, see him go without by cutting off his weed, have a line in the sand where by if he won't change you WILL leave him (and mean it, idle threats won't work). He already knows his behaviour is hurtful to you and that hasn't been enough for him to stop. He needs to know there is a real limit to your patience or he won't change. Later on you can help him practically by pointing out ads for jobs he could do and making sure he applies for them, but that's no good now because a full time stoner is pretty much unemployable anyway.

[Anonymous]

Firstly you're being delusional, an addiction is a dependency on a substance. Secondly the reason your boyfriend lives this life style is because up until now you seem to have tolerated it. He behaves the way he does because he has no opposition, so why change if you don't need to?

If he doesn't change and isn't prepared to change then you have to decide whether your love is enough to remain with him, you have to decide whether or not you feel this relationship is worth it because from where I'm sitting you're dating a lazy bum who if he doesn't change will never be anything more a ladder runner at the base of society.

[Xelebrum]

I'll tell you what do:

Start thinking with your head more instead of with your heart. Tell him to get his shit together and give him an ultimatum: Either he goes and gets a job, or you go out the door (unless it's your place, then he goes out the door). You sound like an amazing young woman and an equally amazing girlfriend, it's a shame that he is taking you for granted like that. Do not let yourself be a doormat for him, regardless of how much you love him, because as long as you keep enabling him, he will continue to treat you as such.

Also, he needs to lay off the weed for a good while, at least until he's employed. What you just described is in fact an addiction.

[Blondiee2014]

Well I used to be a jobless pot head and all I can say is he's been out of work so long. Ow he's probably unemployable until he quits the weed.
The main issue is him not working so that's what your priority is.
I don't know what to recommend because the only way I sorted my life out was moving away from my friends and weed to another town.

[Blondiee2014]

And he's way worse than Lazy , he's a space head as well as lazy.

[Asker]

I wish he would get his shit together and man up... but like I said, he's comfy, carefree, he's living the dogs life while I bust my tail to help him out while still providing a comfortable life for myself, grrrrr its making me really not like what he's become in the past year :(

[Blondiee2014]

Problem is he can't get a job without stopping the weed for a bit and he can't stop the weed because your providing it.
It's really difficult to stop weed people don't realise :)

[evenlift]

It's understandable that you resent him. But, you should resent even more the culture that says that making something of yourself and pursuing a career is greedy and wrong, and that rich people are automatically evil and poor people are automatically good. That's even before we get into the laws that so often make hard work pretty much pointless.

[JackKerouac77]

Mind = blown

But you already knew that.

[evenlift]

@JackKerouac77 Thanks!

[PiuBelloAmante]

he is pathetic he will only drag you down, a man who cannot provide for his woman is pathetic
he also sounds ambition-less, a woman should support her provider and his ambitions that is how healthy relationships are formed and strengthened
Let him know you will leave him if he doesn't get it together, if he can't after a few weeks and shows little effort or is pitiful kick him out, the lack of effort will show that he doesn't care about you

[Ulyss]

Damn you should start putting him in the right track before he takes you with him. This was my sis boyfriend minus the weed and it ended with her getting off track on what she was doing with her life just be careful

[Asker]

Im strong minded and he hates that, because after I quit smoking weed, (health problems) plus smoking weed all day wasn't getting me annywhere in life.. ao he thinks Im prudish about it, honestly I dont careif he puffs every now and then, or AFTER work... but not everyday all friggen day

[Ulyss]

Good to see a strong woman the world needs more women like that

[Kkaos]

Has he been looking for a job? if not you need to get him to start looking, even offer to help him. He loves you so he should understand he can't keep living off you.

[Asker]

no he hasn't ... wich is ridiculous considering all the times I've asked him for help.. :( its like he's gotten comfortable and now just thinks, oh I've got no worries I know my gf will take care of every expense I have, and she won't stop loving me evwr if I keep doing what I do... -Siiiigh- :(

[Anonymous]

Before my second coming I went through a period like that and the ex dumped my ass! I needed around a year to get my shit straight before I hit life hard again. But then again I was living off savings and she wans't supporting us.

[Asker]

I wish he contributed... every dollar he gets in his hand goes to weed, never to dinner, a date night, it actually got the to point the other week I forgot my bank card in my car so I asked him for a dollar... A DOLLAR! and he said no!!! I spendd 120 dollars every 2 weeks for pot. he wouldn't give me, his loving girlfriend, a dollar.. ;(

[Opinion Owner]

that's seriously bad form, he doesn't deserve you, you know this.

[medical2523]

Get him to take one of those tests that determine what you would be best in. if he likes video games see if he can get a job in the electronic field

[Asker]

he thinks he could do like graphic design an stuff like that but he has no motivation or ambiton... :(

[medical2523]

Not sure what can change that cause myself personally my drive is through the roof I always strive to get better

[Anonymous]

The guy is a douche and will always be a douche
Tell him if he doesn't have a job in a week he is gone. Are you serious?

[JohnScofield787]

well done... now stick to it this time.

[Asker]

*Holsters finger guns* :)

[JohnScofield787]

lol.. i have to remember that one. *Hands her a one if his size 14 steel toed boots* "You know what to do with it - if necessary - Cowgirl."

[jahsangue_1]

LEAVE HIM!!! ... IMAGINE YOU MARRYING THE GUY?

[Ihav2fart]

That is quite normal. I resent deadbeats as well.

[Anonymous]

Leave his ass he's using you

[AlwaysBelieving]

Woah, I year to clean this up. Interesting choice.

[Anonymous]

wow, i'm surprised you haven't dumped him yet