My wife is leaving me to go "find herself." Am I a fool for wanting to wait around for the result?

[TheChrisMurray]

I want to start out with the details first. I'm at a ripe old age of 21 and my wife is 23. We've been married for 3 1/2 years. We have a 2 year old son. I'm in the military and we're currently living in Italy. She stays at home with our son because it's virtually impossible for her to get a job here. We dated in high school and got married after I completed basic training. Our relationship, in my eyes, was going great. That is until she told me she was unhappy, has been for quite some time and needs to reconnect with her old-self. She says that I've done nothing wrong and that I've been an excellent husband and father. She tells me that she wants to go back home to America to try and find out what she wants. It's very difficult to go home right on the spot when you're overseas so she won't be leaving for about another month. After telling me all this, I soon find out that she's been talking with an old friend from her past. A male friend. She says that he makes her feel like herself again and that he is definitely a reason for wanting to go home but he isn't the main reason. Am I supposed to believe that he isn't the main reason and she's telling the truth? I don't know. What I do know is that one day we're telling each other that we love each other and making love and then the next day I find out that she's having sexual conversations with this man. I think that I should just completely be done with her and let her do her but on the other hand, we have a son together and I don't want to throw away my family if there's a chance that she'll come back. I probably sound really weak and like a fool but I never had a father in my life and I don't want that for my son. She says she's in love with this other man, a boy really, and that she wants to know what makes her happy. This boy used to be a heroin addict, went through rehab, and now has schizophrenia and episodes where he thinks people are trying to kill him. Am I a fool for wanting to wait?

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

We're getting a divorce. I've realized that the trust could never be the same and it'll be best if we just call it off now. Thank you everybody for your honesty and your opinions.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you guys got married young. I'm 25 and there's simply no way in hell I'm getting married any time soon, and definitely not having a child. But everyone is on a different path in life, I suppose. It is preferable to figure that out before you bring a child into this world though, but I understand life isn't always according to ideal circumstance.

I agree with someone else about getting with your high school sweetheart. My parents did, and they're still married, but their marriage sucks. And I think that is part of it - you're supposed to spend those young years developing into the person you want to be and finding what you want to do. Unless you want to be a house wife, thats fine. If you don't, and you're pushed into that situation... it's not a recipe for happiness.

But I'm confused. I understand this is difficult for you, but if she is actually leaving you, does it matter whether or not this guy is the reason? She's leaving. And to be honest, do you really want to stay married to someone who isn't happy with your marriage? You could work things out, yes. There is counseling. However, if she's choosing this guy with all these problems, her judgment may not be too great. But it is likely that its more than just the guy. She's young. And if she hasn't had time to develop and find what she wants in life or had the freedom to develop a concrete idea of who she wants to be in the future, and had the opportunity to nourish that, then its obvious that this would weigh in heavily. This guy could just be the catalyst or the final push to do what she has wanted to do for a while. Its hard to say for sure without hearing her side in person or knowing you guys or what your relationship is like.

What you absolutely do need to do is have a serious conversation with her about where your family is headed from this point. How you're going to handle custody, if thats an issue, or where the child will be at different times, what plan she has for the child, etc.

[Opinion Owner]

Divorce is so hard. Opting to be a single mother taking on the burden of a child alone is really tough. Is she ready for this? Is family going to be helping her? Is she going to school? Is she applying to jobs now? "Finding yourself" is great, but how is she going to find her way to paying for baby food and such things. And you need to seriously talk about what exposure your child is going to have to this man, and maybe communicate this to her family or whoever is going to be supporting her. If he is dealing with drugs and mental issues, this is not someone you want around your child. If it becomes apparent that she isn't seriously considering this, you may need to seek custody of the kid. Not having a father present isn't nearly as bad as mommys drug addict boyfriend shooting up next to the crib. Just saying...

[Opinion Owner]

If you want to make one last attempt to talk about what you guys can improve in your marriage, that may be worth it, but honestly... it just seems like the foundation may be rocky. And if its about how she feels about her life in general, not just you, she may be better off in that sense. Not doing what you want to do and not finding what makes you happy young can manifest into resentment when you're older.

You're not a fool to want to keep your family together. But you have to realize when the time has run out and do your best to heal and move on yourself. You can't wait for her like that. Then you're compromising your happiness, you may start getting more jealous, etc. Talk now if you want, but be aware that she's cheating on you in some way (if thats what she is doing). Be aware that she isn't happy. Think of whether or not you want your child to see you guys unhappy together.

[Opinion Owner]

And most important, think of what you deserve. If she comes back, and you're still open, and she has matured and developed and found herself, or whatever, then maybe that could be the time to come together on another level of compatibility. But that may never happen. Thats why you don't wait. You don't hold your breath on chances that may never materialize into reality. You deserve to be happy to and to find where you need to be in life as well, if you're still looking. Find someone who wants to be with you, after you heal. Work on yourself as well. You're both really young, and human. I'm sure there's room to improve on both ends.

But the most serious thing is being concerned about whats happening to your family and how she is going to be raising your child across the world, and if there are red flags about her associations or her judgment in who she allows to be around your kid... thats another thing. Don't go crazy, but be sensible and serious.

[Opinion Owner]

I rant. I should stop. lmao.

But I'm partly jealous. Not of your relationship or your child, but your place of residence. I spent a year teaching English in Europe . (Cheapest way to travel, my major in university is not at all related to teaching English) I'm looking to go back to Europe for grad school. Would love to live there long term. Although, I prefer Spain. :)

[TheChrisMurray]

Very helpful. We have been very open about everything. She wants me to understand that he's not the point of her wanting to leave, but I think as a male, I acknowledge that but it's the one thing that stands out to me as main concern. Of course I'll be focused on this other man taking my family into his arms. I do agree with you, with everybody who's commented, about being very young and that potentially being a mistake in itself but for me, and this may sound childish of me, but I wasn't interested in the party scene and wanting to go out and meet new women, I'm still not and once I had her and my son, that's all I wanted. The reason for my post is because we're just separating for a while so she can go find out what she wants and I really don't want to be waiting around for a lost cause. I thank you for your comments.

[GingerBiscuits]

I usually don't advocate for separation or divorce, but she needs to immediately cut all contact with the person she's been contacting. If she won't or can't, then you guys need counseling asap! If that doesn't work file on her, anyone saying they need time apart from their spouse means they want permission to cheat, no other way around saying that. Sorry buddy.

[TheChrisMurray]

Thank you for your honesty.

[Anonymous]

Marrying your high school sweetheart, statistically, often doesn't work. That doesn't mean you can't be very involved in your son's life. I actually dated a guy who married his hs girlfriend and they both realized they weren't a good match after 5 years and two kids. They're both good parents and friends now.

[TheChrisMurray]

Thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

Best wishes. Things will get better.

[madhatters4]

man dude that is a really rough situation. I'm sorry.

would you be a fool for waiting? only if you were ignoring all the evidence that suggests that there is no good reason to wait... it sounds to me like your wife is feeling that loss of self discovery and self achievement that people sometimes experience when they get involved in a very serious relationship without having enough life experience to know that in say 3 1/2 years they'll still want the same thing.

I think one thing to consider is this. most likely she is going to realize that she messed up, that she thought the grass was greener elsewhere but it isn't; however, the question becomes after she's gone out on her mission of exploration and discovery do you still want to take her back? especially if that exploration means being with other guys or possibly doing things you don't approve of.

I don't think you'd be a fool to wait. But I still say you need to do what you feel you need to do. if you decide to wait, prepare yourself for the worst while hoping for the best. and perhaps while she's out there doing her thing you start taking steps towards a new life for yourself. some experience and discovery of your own...

again I'm sorry about the situation. it sounds really really rough

[TheChrisMurray]

Much appreciated. I've recently realized what I already knew but didn't want to believe and that's that I could never trust her again or look at her the same way again. So for that reason we've agreed that a divorce is in the best interest of everybody. Thank you for your thoughts.

[truthbeknown]

Ok, if this was the other way around for sure 100% everyone would be saying to divorce him and make sure he pays alimony and child support. So here we are with the woman this time who wants to leave the marriage. I say let her go, but she has to pay alimony and child support. Equal rights!!!
Anyway, like the others said, you guys got married a bit on the young side. I think most people spend their late teens and early 20's trying to do what your wife wants and that is to date different people and experience different things. Obviously you don't do that when you get married and have kids so young. She has major feelings of emptiness that she needs to fulfil by leaving you and doing these other things. I feel bad for you. She is breaking her commitment to you and your kids. I say to let her go. These feelings will never go away. Eventually she will just leave anyway. If you let her go on good terms, once gets all this out of her system there is good chance she will come back to you. You know the quote, "If you love something, then set it free. If it is meant to be it will find you again."

[TheChrisMurray]

Thank you very much. What I'm hearing from most people including my friends is to just be done with the relationship and move on. I appreciate it.

[truthbeknown]

Yep, you deserve someone who is devoted to you 100%, not 85%. Good luck, thank you for your service!

[TheShadowKnight]

I think you should not wait for the woman. She made it clear that she does not feel happy with you and it pretty much shows she's not really romantically interested anymore, and has started to develop feelings for that other man instead. Having sexual conversations with a man is never normal when you're married, even if he's a best friend.

I understand that you grew up with a father, I grew up without a mother and kind of same for the father part too. My mother left me because she didn't like me or my siblings and wanted to waste her time with random men.

But I don't regret the fact she left me. She didn't like me, so she left me.

If your wife loves the kid, she will meet him regardless even if she married the other guy or something, so you shouldn't worry about leaving her affecting the kid.

But on a final note, I think you should wait a year or so after she leaves. If she does not return in the time being, then divorce her or such.

That's what I suggest, and would do in my case.

[TheShadowKnight]

>If you're worried about her getting the custody, you can still meet the kid and be a great father to him regardless.

[TheChrisMurray]

Thanks man, I appreciate it.

[Tractorbeam]

Firstly, this is why women do this. www.macleans.ca/culture/books/the-two-year-itch/
She's reached the use-by date, and will be happy to spend time with any other man, even if he's nowhere near as good as you are.
What she's saying really means that it's over. Don't hold your breath waiting for things to improve, because it's very, very unlikely. A few years down the track she'll probably regret her decision, but that could be 5 years or more away. She'd still be unlikely to return.

If there was any chance to make things work, she'd stay and try to resolve any issues. She more than likely can't even find anything you've done wrong, or anything she would like to change.

[TheChrisMurray]

Interesting article to say the least. Thank you.

[Scrambled]

Yes. You married too young and you can be a great guy but these things will pop up. I am 32 and leaving my partner of 10yrs for the exact same thing. There was another person that triggered it too. It's just that you realise there is more to life then your current situation. You are very young without major assets I'm assuming so it's the best time. Consider it a life lesson. But still insist you want to keep I'm touch with the kid.

[TheChrisMurray]

Thanks man. I really appreciate it. Yeah we've been surprisingly open about the situation and there's no question as to me being in my son's life. I just think she's going to go home and realize that it was a huge mistake and want to come back but on the other hand human's are a creature of habit and who's to say it won't happen again later down the road? I don't know man, I just don't want to lose my family if there's a chance of keeping it.

[Scrambled]

You must remember that two people need to be happy in a relationship. If one is unhappy or unsure then it's unfair to the relationship as a whole. This will additionally rub off on the children too. My brother and I are very damaged socially due to my parents being miserable with each other and fighting all the time. It becomes emotional abuse. It only gets worse unless there is an easy problem to fix (like reigniting a sexual spark). If she doesn't like the marriage she is doing you a favour and sparing you more years of emotional pain. Rather the bitter truth than the drawn out lie. Then you can find someone who will truly want to be with you forever.

[SUBZEROHERO]

My best personal opinion is , just worry about you and let her figure what she needs to figure out , make the best of that time. Pay her confused self no mind focus on you , better yourself but yet keep yourself active and busy to busy for her sometimes but not all the time. She'll snap out of her b/s or she will if not already will find someone else new man.

[Your_boss]

Leave her.
Because at the end of the day, chances are she probably will leave you.
And you will be unhappy.
It's better to be safe than to be sorry

[TheChrisMurray]

Thank you.

[candy_41111]

Have you asked if she's coming back. This is going to break your heart without a doubt - like I'm sure it is already - , but you can't hold someone back who doesn't want to be with you.

[justyournormalguy]

The guy is bad news, but considering u have a son, I would say u should try to work it out

[1Kiera1]

I'm sorry. Best wishes for you and thank you for serving your country.

[Itaintrocketscience]

oh good god...

I don't even know man, but I am sure as hell glad I am not in your position.

sorry. wish you best of luck.

[WhaChaChaKing]

Leave her. She obviously doesn't love you that much.