Things have gotten complicated, and I don't really want to be in a relationship right now.

Question

So, I've been hanging out with this girl for about 3 weeks now. We went for dinner, then some coffee a few days later, which was when we had our first kiss. Later, I helped her shop for groceries when her brother was coming in town. That night, she invited me over for dinner. We made out for a long time while dinner was getting ready.

I invited her to a pre-thanksgiving dinner that me and my friends had. Finally, last week, I called her to ask what's up. When I told her that I was in Blockbuster picking out a movie for me to watch that night, she invited me over. So, we watched the movie and made out for a while. It got really late, and I was super tired. We fell asleep in each other's arms. Then the next morning, she made me breakfast.

Now that is the situation. I know that I did some very relationshippy things, but I really don't want to be in a long/serious relationship right now. My friends keep asking about "my girlfriend". She's also befriended many of my female friends. I also feel like she's developed feelings for me now. A couple of my female friends keep warning me about "playing" with girls' emotions.

So, in summary, my friends are calling her my girlfriend. She seems to be attached. I know I did some stupid mistakes, but I don't want a serious relationship right now. I really don't want my friends to start thinking that I'm a douche. Also, I don't want to hurt her.

I just want some opinions on this.

I would really appreciate any help. I'm kind of in a rut here.

Thanks in advance.

authentic · Accepted Answer

"A couple of my female friends keep warning me about "playing" with girls' emotions."

They are right. Anyone who has lived a few decades will agree that there is such a thing as karma, after they do a careful review of their life. You pay for what you get, if not right away, then sometime later in your life. The problem with many is that they forget about the cause as it happened way back.

Suggestion: Decide what your intention is BEFORE any meeting. i.e. Don't go with the flow and "see what happens". What naturally happens is your sex hormones take control of your will power.

Although it is a bit too late but you may get an idea or two from below. Hope it works out this time. Since you don't want to hurt her, act with speed and let her know your intention ASAP. Best of luck!

How to Tell Someone You Just Want to Be Friends?

Step 1

Try subtle hints that let the other party know that you're not interested in romance. For instance, "I really value our friendship" (with emphasis on "friend"), or "It's so nice to have a guy/girl friend who I can talk to without any kind of romantic tension to get in the way."

Step 2

Mention that you're involved with someone else (assuming that's true) if the other party is a new acquaintance and shows unwanted romantic interest.

Step 3

Tell the person up front that you enjoy being single right now and are not looking for a romantic partner, but that you're always looking for new friends.

Step 4

Make a joke out of your rejection if the person is an older friend: "We'd never make a good couple; we know each other's hang-ups too well - there'd be nothing to argue about!"

Step 5

Be honest and tell your friend why you don't think a relationship would work out, unless the real reason is that you aren't attracted to him or her. Even the closest of buddies would have a hard time rekindling a friendship after such a harsh rejection.

Step 6

Change the subject after you've dashed the notion of romance and try to forget about what just happened. Dwelling on the reasons why you don't want to get involved with a friend won't do the friendship any good.

Step 7

Enjoy the friendship as you always have.

Source: >>> link

StarBuckeroo · Accepted Answer

I think that it sounds great. . .I wouldn't go into a relationship if you don't want to be in one though... so, be honest and upfront and just tell her that you think she's great and whatnot and really awesome, but you have a lot going on in your life right now and don't think that you can put forth as much time and effort that you would want to. You feel as if you would be cheating both of you. and just say your not ready to get into a relationship right now. . .

BUT, if you really are ready, I think being in a healthy relationship where both of you are understanding of the time constraints and if you really like the girl. . .then you could just give it a shot...its when DRAMA and crap gets involved that really takes up time and energy. . . if you think the relationship is going to be chill and understanding , I would think about that too...I know that being in a relationship that is chill can be a great asset. . .and if there aren't any worries within it, it could be great. you can do what you want to do as far as working/schooling/or whatever you do. . .I don't know man. after thinking about all of the pros and cons. .if you still are thinking no relationship right now, then I wouldn't do it. be honest.be nice about it so that it doesn't seem like you were being a jerk or looking for just sex. . . just be honest are real. . .are you gay? if so, you could just say your gay and that you thought that it has been just girl time. . .or, you could just say that your 'gay'. . . .if you never want to see her again. . .?... pros and cons buddy..pros and cons...

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Tell her EXACTLY what you just told us.. I think it sounded very reasonable. You did 'relationshippy things' because that is how you were feeling. It felt right at the time, and you guys both enjoyed it. It is so funny how people pay so much money to learn how to LIVE IN THE MOMENT be zen etc. Then when they manage to do it without thinking and they worry about being guilty or being irresponsable... You were not intentionally doing those things knowing she liked you and you did not want it to go anywhere, you were just going with what felt right - at lest that is how it sounds.

Do not think of her as "getting attached" it really is insulting and presumptuous.. Even if you have reason to believe what she is thinking or expecting, she deserves the respect from you to ask her directly, or really to simply tell her how YOU feel.. Just don't assume. You do not have actual access to what is going on with her, so just tell her how you feel and let her respond herself.

Don't pretend to feel a certain way while to are figuring things out. Just tell her as soon as possible so she knows whee you stand and can make the right decision.. Don't be NICE be RESPECTFUL.

Just be straight- That's not wrong & more importantly it's clear.

Good luck!

soslin711 · Accepted Answer

First of all, I must congratulate you for realizing that you did some very 'relationshipy' things. A lot of guys don't know that this is a big deal! A guy's actions mean a lot to a girl, so if you do all those relationshippy things she's gonna think... RELATIONSHIP! haha.

It's easy to get caught up in something like that, and I'm glad you don't want to hurt her. The best thing you can do is explain this to her. I can't tell you how many guys have done what you did and then all of a sudden just stopped talking to me, or all of sudden stopped doing those sweet things and treated me like a friend without even telling me. As long as you tell her, she'll be fine. She might be a little hurt at first since she's become attached to you.. but make sure she knows that it wasn't intentional and she's a great girl but you just got caught up. You have to have to have to do this! If you don't tell her she'll have no idea what happened, be totally blindsided and be heartbroken.

As for your friends thinking you're a 'douche'...f*** what they think. If you live your life making decisions based on what your friends think you're never going to actually enjoy it.

Tamikaze · Accepted Answer

Why did you keep dating her if you did not want a relationship? It's like you do want something regular because you are making it happen.

Anyways, if you don't want a girlfriend, you will need to come clean with her. It will hurt her feelings, there is no way about it. Any girl in her place will think that you just don't want a relationship with her because you have already been treating her like girlfriend material. It is kind of like guys and sex. If a girl starts off having sex and then feels like it was a mistake and decides she wants to "slow it down", well sorry, the cat is already out of the bag. The guy will just think he isn't turning you on and game over.

At least you want to be straight with her, but this is basically going to either end things for her or put you to some sort of strange friendship thing. Whatever you do, do not have sex with her. There is a chance she may continue to see you hoping you will change your mind, and then have sex during one of your makeout sessions, and then she will really feel awful when you do not call her your girlfriend.

The-Dude-Next-Door · Answer

First explain why you don''t want to be in a relationship if you pretty much have one right now. If you say you don't have time, that's not true, because from your story above, you made time for her on the few dates and visits with her. If you made time for her for a handful of dates already, it means you have time for her even now and in the near future.

Money is not much of an excuse either, because you did spend a little on her already for the few dates, dinners, and movies. So you do have a little extra cash to spend, and frankly you've only spent a little on her anyway. I get the impression this girl low maintenance, which is a really good thing.

So you have to have a legitimate reason to not want a relationship. And then you have to explain it to her. "I need space" never works either. It especially won't work for her because she has invited you into her "space" (her apartment) and you have invited her in to your space one way or another (by spending time with her).

So if the truth is that you don't want a relationship, because you just want to treat women like they are disposable commodities and you want to move onto the next one after you are finished her, then just admit it and be honest about it. What is the real reason why you want to end your relationship? I cannot get any indication of why you want to end it from your story above. And if you want to end your relationship (or just not have relation ships period), then have this answer well prepared for your girlfriend when you eventually dump her.

But if there are unique aspects of her character that make you two incompatible in a long-term relationship then why didn't you say so? That is completely different, and it is completely legitimate to tell her about it. But from your above post you gave no indication about incompatibility issues with this girl.

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah you are in a rut. If you are to tell her you don't want a relationship at this point she's prob never going to give you the time of day again. She will take it personal and prob think you were using her. See you say you don't want a serious relationship right now but what I think is that you don't want a serious relationship with HER, for whatever that reason is. Maybe you don't like her THAT much, maybe your still thinking about an ex, etc. You never really gave your reason why you don't want to be in one right now. If you tell her you don't want a relationship expect that she's going to be hurt. What I think you should do is enjoy the time with her, you are thinking way too deep into this. Maybe she's not thinking long term or having a serious relationship with you either, she's just enjoying the moment. I think you should take it one step at a time and stop looking ahead of everything. She sounds like a nice girl who is not playing games, guys would kill for a girl whos being as straight forward as her about her feelings for you (inviting you places, making you breakfast) She likes you, you obviously like her or you would have never gave her the time of day, enjoy the moment, your young, take it one day at a time, don't just let go of something go just because your scared of it becoming long term and serious. Stop caring what your friends think, seriously in 10 years from now is their opinion going to matter? NO! You live once, if being with her hanging out makes you happy for now than just continue it and stop holding back. And not to mention its rare that relationships turn out long and serious.

jbeed0686 · Answer

I hate to say it but you've backed yourself into a corner. Spending time together like you have been has already given her the wrong impression. If she's like most girls she is already thinking about a relationship, and probably believes you want the same thing.

Next time you are together say something like "people think we're dating/think I'm your boyfriend" and see how she reacts. If she seems into the idea..you're in for it, but if she laughs it off then you should be fine, but be sure to let her know ASAP that you don't want anything serious.

Don't say confusing things like "I'm not ready now" or If I wanted a girlfriend you'd be it" just tell the truth and be 100% honest. Her feelings might get hurt but at least she knows the truth. There's a good chance she'll want some distance afterwards, and the best thing you can do is just let her have it, calling, texting, and hanging out as usual will only make it harder for her and will give off mixed signals. So I would suggest doing those things a little less, after you tell her how you feel.

bobair · Answer

You're not a mind-reader, so stop trying to assume what she's thinking.

Unless the two of you have had the "we're exclusive talk" you're not exclusive.

Stop worrying about it and date other women.

God, you haven't even had sex yet. She knows it, and you know it.

If she assumes otherwise, that's her mistake. Be honest if she asks, but don't sit around worrying about what she's thinking or assuming.

It sounds like she's worth hanging out with, and once things get sexual be sure to lay out some boundaries, like "Listen, I can tell we're about to get more intimate, but I don't want you to think this makes us exclusive because I'm not ready for that. If you want to slow down, that's fine."

Best of luck,

~ Robby

troamundos · Answer

I'm curious.  What exactly is your definition of douche?  You've implied that your friends would consider someone a douche if they lead a girl on.  And you've described yourself as having made out with a girl and spent the night at her place with no intention of a serious relationship.  So...why is it exactly that you don't think "douche" applies to you?  Is is because you didn't hurt her intentionally and maliciously?  I think a douche is someone who is so oblivious to other people's needs and feelings - who is so caught up in satisfying their own - that they hurt others unintentionally.  What makes you a commone, every-day douche (cheer up at least you're not an extraordinary malicious douche) is that you made out because you wanted to.  You really never even thought about how she would feel after you guys made out.  It was all about you.

arsenal25 · Answer

o wow now you most def. played with her emotions! No matter what and how you handle the situation now she will be hurt at the end honestly. You shouldn't do things like that unless you are thinking of dating someone you know, I am sure you know that. so now I think best thing for you to do is just slowly back off but slowly!, and do have a conversation with her don't just cut her off with no explanations, sit down and explain to her exactly how you feel, don't use lines its not you its me bla bla bla. just say how you feel, and that you are sorry and listen to what she has to say. you did play with her emotions so don't just all of a sudden back off that's really not fair to her.

lovecraze · Answer

If you don't want a relationship, what the heck were you doing, making out with her, and leading her on.. she obviously thought you liked her, so she waas giving you plenty of opportunities to be with her, and you took them..>> Seriously, how idiotic can you be, I don't think you really didn't want a relationship at the beginning.. you must have had it for her, and now you are tired or else, in love with someone else... seriously think of the girl now, unless she too is a flirt, she will definitely be broken to pieces when she finds you never really liked her...

But the damage is done...

So, I guess, what you should do, is straight away, sit down and have a good talk, about all this, and say you are sorry, you made a mistake, and not that you don't like her or anything, but you really are not in a position to have a relationship right now... tell the truth right NOW, but you eat the soup of everything even more...

goatxr · Answer

I think that as apparent it is that she's gonna feel some kind of hurt, that if you sincerely tell her EXACTLY what you jus posted ehre she will be reasonable and understanding... I meanit HAS only been a couple weeks. but for GODs sakes don't jus walk away from her w.o a trace becasue shell be DUMBFOUNDED along with hurt. Plus shell appreciate your sincerity and you'll probaby stayfriends a long as she doesn't try to stay friends thinking shell change your mind and youl on want a relatinship (cause people LOVE to do this)... good luck

dharness818 · Answer

First and foremost you can't be a douche to her about this. The easiest way to deal with this is to be honest. Tell her straight up look you're this great girl, but for me it's not really clicking I feel like we have a better time as friends then as two people in a relationship. Don't give her time to say anything just say thanks for hearing me out and then leave. Before you do this though you need to slowly detach yourself. Be busier then usual, don't text her as often. The typical stuff if you aren't interested. Trust me she will get the hint and move on.

Starling · Answer

People are pretty stupid to believe that guys in your situation obviously planned this somehow. Like she did something wrong, or you were just leading her on. Even I've been in the same situation started getting really close to a guy when I realized I just didn't want anything. Even though I liked him very much. Sometimes you let life cloud your judgement, and people get hurt. Oh well, sh*t happens.

Just let her know that you didn't mean for it to be end up this way, however it is. Say you're sorry and explain it the best you can. Honestly though, either she's gonna be hurt, or she's not. Almost nothing you can say or do will change her mind. As you can probably tell by some of the anwsers you've already received. Hurt doesn't last forever. She'll be okay.

Anonymous · Answer

LOL clam down mate...

Do you like hanging out with this girl when you're not going nuts and worrying about relationships?

If yes than just hang out with her, and say you're doing other stuff when you're doing other stuff. Trust me, she's not in love and she doesn't harbour intense feelings for you, she's just having fun to... if she starts harassing you about where you're going and crying about why you don't want to spend time with her, fine get out, but for now just chill out.

If she asks about what is going on between you just tell her we're friends and that's all I want right now, she will let you know if this is acceptable or not by telling you to p*ss off or just sighing in relief and telling ou she feels the same way.

If you're not too happy about hanging out, just stop hanging out with her on your own and making out with her it's only been three weeks I'm sure she'll get over you.

Anonymous · Answer

You realize you have done things to lead her to believe you may want a relationship. It sounds like you like her enough to keep her in your life but, reasonably may not want to be with her. Be completely honest with her. Let it be her choice whether she sticks around knowing you may not really want her.

Simply state what you stated here which is that you realize some of the time you spent with her makes it seem otherwise, but you aren't interested in a relationship. Real women love honesty! She will probably still be hurt if she does have feelings so start doing the right thing now by telling her.

sherrybaby · Answer

What do you mean you don't want a relationship right now? What did you think her and you were?

You call her, you guys make out, you hang out. Sounds like dating? If a guy treated me like youve been treating her and then told me he wasn't in it for a relationship, I'd definitely tell you to go f*** yourself.

"not looking for a relationship" just means "i don't want a relationship with you". what'd she do wrong? Just so the rest of us girls can try to avoid this happening to us.

unsure2009 · Answer

tell her exactly what you told us that you don't want to hurt her or lead her on anymore because you don't want a relationship. just be honest, tell her the next time you see her, spare her from being led on and getting hurt any more than she has to.

too late with the douche thing, next time think about the other person's feelings before you half-ass a relationship because that's what you guys had.

sorry to be rough, but I hope you learn from this. it's wrong and she could end up hating you.

gakewa · Answer

"I don't want to hurt her"

Too bad because that's exactly what you're going to do.

If you knew you didn't want to be in a relationship why did you lead her on? She probably thinks that there's something developing between you and who can blame her.

Now you need to be honest with her, it'll be bad but think about how much worse it would be if you put it off and let her get even more attached.

twiaddict333 · Answer

You should have let her know that you did not want to be in a relationship. Now she thinks that you will probably want to go to the next level, while you don't. Next time you meet with her, let her know you're true feelings, because if you let it continue, it is only going to make things more difficult.

nova2k · Answer

How about...being honest? How about telling her what you've just said: you don't want a relationship. It's not that difficult considering how new this whole situation is. Yeah, she'll probably be hurt, but that's nothing new. That''s what we risk whenever we get involved with someone else. Just keep in mind that the longer you drag it out, the harder and more hurtful it will be.

Clarify what it is you are (and are not) looking for. That is...if you're really sure.

Dimonik · Answer

So do you not want to be in a relationship now so that you can flirt around? :p

Or are you too busy with work/school?

If it's the first alternative, you had it coming. Rule number one is to not make your female friends befriend your current girl. :p

If it's the second, just take it REALLY slow from here on. If you make it clear to her that you truly are busy, she'll understand. :p

NotBulletProof12 · Answer

I have been the girl many many times in this situation. The key issue is miscommunication. I don't know about her, but I know I'd rather know the truth upfront then be led on...or dropped suddenly. Sit down and TALK to her. We don't bite-i promise. The longer you leave it the more you will hurt her. just tell her what's up, talk about it like mature adults. It'll be okay. She should understand and appreciate you explaining to her what you're thinking, and she shouldn't be mad. I know I wish the guy I was involved with would have done that for me-instead of just getting distant and dissapearing. just tell her, it's the right thing to do. it's not always easy, but if you don't want to ruin the relationship with her (friendship!) tell her what's going on, and hopefully you'll both grow from it.

kodocha77 · Answer

Sorry, dude...You're totally screwed! I know what it feels like to be lead on and that crap hurts like hell! Especially when my feelings are developing for a guy...Try putting yourself in her shoes...just what do you think that might feel like? Poor girl...Just be honest with her and yourself and never make this mistake again.

You don't sound like you did this on purpose, but the effects are still going to be the same as if you really did try to hurt her. Think before you leap!

Things have gotten complicated, and I don't really want to be in a relationship right now.

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Things have gotten complicated, and I don't really want to be in a relationship right now.

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.