Possible to care too much about your boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I've been in a relationship for almost half a year... and my craziness about him has not even moderately ceased. I'm HAPPY about this, but part of me wishes I could care about him less. I suppose one of the reasons is because he hasn't told me he loves me... and I've let my adoration of him grow into something of a quiet obsession, despite the fact that there is care between us (just not sure of the extent on his end). But beyond that... I'm just nuts about him. He's handsome, smart, successful, loves kids, is caring... I think I feel inadequate, and I do NOT want to feel that way! Deep down I know I deserve everything he has to offer... I really do... and I don't know if my history of being emotionally abused has something to do with why I feel the way that I do.

Has anyone ever had to address feelings of inadequacy? What did you do? Were you able to improve your esteem, and keep the relationship going?

[DoggyDude]

Let me share my experience with you and hopefuly you won't make a similar mistake.

I've felt this way about my best friend for a long time. She's perfect and I can see nothing less.

However, like you seem to be, I worried about this and thought I should care less. Deep down I felt I could never be good enough for her, that I had already lost her.

This effected me in my every dealing with her after I realised how much I loved her (as I grew more and more in love) and I reached a point where I was no longer happy to not say how I felt. So I confessed all (this was fine, or at least, awkward but not really a problem).

However, from that moment and her not being immidiately able to say that she loved me back, I got that sense of inadequacy, that sense of "oh no.. I'm going to lose her". I tried to "logically" remind myself that she was still getting over her ex, and I knew the circumstances and understood that, but the feeling of failure overwhelmed me. The more she would not say she loved me the more I felt compelled to explain to her exactly how much I loved her.

This was insane. It ruined our relationship, what once was heading towards mutual natural love was de-railed by overpowering feelings of love and an inadequacy. Instead of being the "cool" and "fun" guy she meet and had confessed to liking. I became in a small part (and growing over time) paranoid and obsessed by the fact she couldn't say she loved me.

This was tiring, but she had grown to a point just prior to love and was willing to say she cared for me more deeply than she could ever explain, more than any other (apart from her ex-fiance).. However, due to my sense of "failure" I did not REALLY listen.. I did, but my emotional system overpowered this with the "why doesn't she love me, she will only leave me".

After a few months of this, she was really starting to worry she liked this "person" so much (she actually liked the cool, happy and confident me she meet that was fun to be with and we made each other so happy).

Well, it deteriorated over time, and eventually she was forced to tell me "this can never work". Which of course made it worse *sigh*. She forced herself to move on.

So, I hope you can see how a sense of inadequacy, felt with a sense of overpowering love is a recipe for impending doom.

Be confident, know your worth it, feel it with all your heart and be yourself. Remind yourself he's only perfect if he chooses you and until he does, just enjoy life and include him as much as possible (but don't let yourself depend on that).

That is a sure fire recipy for things to succeed, if they can.. and if they don't you know it was wrong (not that you messed up).

Seriously, this is why I am on this site in the first place, to stop anyone else messing up the love of their life. I'm just surviving in the hope that I can change things, but to change things I need to live my own life and be happy and without her I feel like life is pointless.. Catch 22

[Asker]

This is so touching :( I didn't expect such a meaningful post... gosh...

What scares me is that I don't believe that if things don't succeed it's because it was "just wrong" and not that I messed up. I often think that we can build and develop love, and it's a chemical thing, and something (as much as I HATE to admit it sometimes) that can be engineered by -being- confident, and "hooking" the other person. That's not to say that this is a recipe for the long, long run, though...

[DoggyDude]

I know what you mean. You are right. The worst thing is, when we are truly in love, we want them to come to us, we don't want to trap them, but want them to choose to trap themselves. So, the love of my life is now with another man not right for her, but, because he doesn't feel the same extent of love I feel, he is what was needed to let love grow. Its cruel but part of a couple being perfect together is the luck of timing (some call it fate I guess)

[bobair]

Great story! Our greatest losses can be bring us our greatest insights and life lessons.

[bobair]

First, you should definitely seek the mentor-ship of a healthy mature female role model. I have no doubt this is your BEST next step.

Secondly, you're likely VERY right when you suggest this might be driven from past issues. It sounds like you're displaying typical "I need daddy's (male) approval" behaviors. This is where a girl never got that attention and approval from a male role model when she was young, and is unconsously seeking it from every new man in her life.

I'm no expert so don't quote me on that.

But it can't hurt to sit down and think through your motives more deeply. Is seems weird, but self reflection brings about the greatest love and healing.

Third... You can't love someone else TOO much, but you can certainly love yourself TOO little.

When your desire turns to obsession it's driven from insecurity and a lack of perspective. This can quickly become unhealthy and will most definitely push away the one guy you're into.

It's through empathy that we can feel loved by someone else ... we empathize with someone else, then our bodies choose to feel love in response. At no time does a magical emotion travel from one person to the next. All of your emotions are YOUR emotions.

Why does this matter?

Because when you start to love yourself less than those around you, you de-value yourself, and in return everyone else will de-value you... and they won't even know why they're doing it.

Find a way to give yourself that approval and love you're desperately seeking from your boyfriend, and you'll immediately realize that he'd be crazy to leave you but if he did you'd be fine. It's this desperation that pushes other away, and will only manifest your fears.

Love yourself, approve of yourself, and don't give a sh*t about the approval of anyone else. Simply love him for him, but don't ask for his love in return (because you'll already have enough for yourself FROM yourself.) And he will find this incredibly attractive about you in return.

Best of luck!

~ Robby

My Blog ( link )

[Anonymous]

Do you have anything else that you are passionate about.. It is really easy op feel 'adequate' when you contribute parts of your self that you LOVE to a relationship that you LOVE.. Otherwise you are feeling like you can just give but not SHARE.

What do you like to do in your life & what do you want t do with it.. Focus on those things because you already have boyfriend 'check'. What about YOU, the WORLD , 'check'. :-)

You feel much more in control when you feel in control of your own self& place separate from him.. You want to share yourself & your passions, not give yourself & your passion. :-)

Once that I was not even able to talk to the guys I like anymore cause everything else was so neglected.

[Anonymous]

Another thing to consider...some men have a REALLY hard time saying it. My fiance virtually never says it...but he absolutely DOES love me. He didn't say it at all for a very long time, really. Go by how he treats you more than by what he says. It's hard, I know, if words are important to you, as they are to me. Just don't confuse a lack of expressiveness as being the same as a lack of love. (Some men just REALLY need to make sure first.)

[theross]

i'm in a situation like yours right now... but the opposite I've been dating my girlfriend for about 7 months now. its not your typical 7 month relationship though I dated her for 2 months during the summer, we went to 2 different colleges so we didn't see each other very much for the next 4 months. but she has slipped the words love you by accident, or perhaps on purpose. and if she is drunk she tends to ask me why I don't love her. something I can't answer I like her but that word is very strong I've said it to one girl and I truly meant it. I won't lie to her about it. Don't rush him into saying it. this is a big deal. but after a while you will come to a crossroads. after a certain point you have to decide if the relationship can move forward or not, and if you feel it can't you have to tell him how you feel see if he feels the same way, and if he doesn't it might not be fair to you to stay in the relationship. if your happy keep on with it, but one day if he doesn't seem to share your feelings you will have to talk to him

[Asker]

Yeah... I know...:( thank you.

The other day I flipped out about a comment he made and was all, "I'm more into you than vice versa, I think. If so, screw it. I'm not keeping you here." And he responded with, "when we were talking about destination weddings, I was thinking it would be fun for us. So no, I don't think I'm less into you than vice versa."

But I doubt that entails I should expect him to one day say he loves me... *shrug*

So, that'll come eventually...