My girlfriends past is eating me from inside. Is there any way to get over this?

[Anonymous]

Good day! I love my girlfriend, she loves me! But the fact that she had casual sex in the past while she had a vacation turns me off cause that was the thing I've never expected her to do. Im her forth sexual partner... Do you think i can trust such girl? i dont know why but i have pictures in my head of her having casual sex. i would be cool if she had sex while being in a relation but having sex with a guy you know for a week sounds crazy. We were friends for a year in uni and on the second year we feel in love. Im 23, she's 24. We talked about it and she was saying:"i was alone, i didn't betray anyone, i wanted to try.. i want to be honest with you etc..."

we are together for 5 months.. i want to get over my thoughts

Thank you, God bless you!

p. s.

i want to be with her and see her as my future

[gray_sailor]

You are suffering from a mental illness that goes by the name retroactive or retrograde jealousy.

I haven't read all the so called "advice" given by the other posters but I bet I could summarize it with little effort.

How's this:
"The past is the past"
"She's with you now."
"She chose you."
"Everyone has a past."
"You don't own her."
"Don't be sexist."
"You're being insecure."
"Man up.
"This is not HER problem, this is your problem."
"She should dump your ass and get with a guy that accepts her as she is."
"If you really loved her, you wouldn't feel this way."
(This last one is particularly ugly as its the opposite of the truth. You have to love in order to care.)

I could easily think of many more. All are equally useless to you. Just disregard all advice like this. Wrap it up in duct tape, throw it in a barrel, and burn it. It's all just that useless.

Now, on to your problem.

It would be useful for you to have some background information for context in which to understand your problem.

First, let's discuss the human brain.

The brain is often thought of as a single organ. It is more correctly viewed as a complex interconnected network of semi-independent systems. These systems have developed at different periods of time over the course of the evolution of complex life on our planet. The part of the brain that is giving you difficulty now is the newest addition to the base design of the brain: the cerebral cortex.

This part of the brain is involved in executive control, visualization, spacial reasoning and memory. This last bit is essential. It is memory that gives you a past, gives you awareness of your present and postulates a future. The significance of this fact lies in this statement: Brains without well developed memory lack a sense of the past.

This matters for your situation, bear with me please. The part of your brain that feels jealousy is a much older system from an evolutionary standpoint. Like all distress emotions, jealousy has the purpose of motivating action in the present. Fear motivates retreat. Anger motivates fighting. Jealousy motivates mate guarding.

Mate guarding is how you protect your reproductive mate from advances by another individual attempting to poach your mate. A very useful emotion provided that emotion is activated in the same time as the perceived threat. This is your problem in its essence.

[continued]

[gray_sailor]

Your mate guarding function is perceiving a threat because your cerebral cortex is making a "mind movie" of your girlfriend's past sexual acts. You reacted to hearing about her past by making this mind movie. As you hear more details from her, you add to this mind movie and in so doing you make it more distressing for yourself. Every time you play this movie in your mind, you reset the time for the act to the now.

She may have had 3 sex partners other than you but you have probably experienced 3000 distressing replays of your mind movie. Each one counts as a unique event from the standpoint of your mate guarding function. This is because your mate guarding function has NO AWARENESS OF TIME. There is no past, there is no future, there is only the now. Understanding time is the job of the cerebral cortex (memory + visualization).

[continued]

[gray_sailor]

Here's how this plays out:

You experience initial shock of hearing about her past:
⬇
You make a mind movie.
⬇
You experience jealosy.
⬇
You replay the mind movie.
⬇
You experience jealosy.
⬇
You replay the mind movie.
⬇
and on and on it loops with no way out.

Remember though, jealosy motivates acts in the current time. But what act can you possibly take? Your girlfriend is loyal to you. She is not currently under threat of being poached. Yet, you still feel compelled to act.

So you act in the only ways you can:
- you demand more information from your girlfriend
- you add details (real or imagined) to your mind movie
- you replay that mind movie in a loop

That about covers it, right? Does any of that sound like it's going to help you in any way? Probably not.

What you need to understand us that retroactive jealousy is a type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). You are obsessed with her past and you feel compelled to replay your mind movie.

[continued]

[gray_sailor]

So, what do you do?

First, tell your girlfriend that this is your problem. Tell her that this is a mental illness. Ask for her forgiveness for bringing this problem into her life. Ask for her help in supporting you through the healing/growth process. Then, FOR GOD'S SAKE stop asking her for any additional information about her past. Also, tell her to not volunteer it either. (Her being open about her past is like sharing whiskey with an alcoholic, sharing is nice but not in this case.)

Then, you need to get some individual counseling. You need to seek a counselor with experience in treating retroactive jealosy. Until you can arrange some therapy, have a look at this online resource:

https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/what-is-rj/

Best of luck.

[Wizbit]

Brilliant. MHO for sure

[gray_sailor]

@Wizbit

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Hopefully, the asker revisits his question and reads my opinion as well.

[Asker]

Thank you very much for your concern and opinion!
I've purchased the book and read it!
Ill do my best to get over.
Actually im starting to understand that im creating a problem out of nothing

[gray_sailor]

I'm so glad that you were able to find help in the opinion I offered.

Many people mean well with regard to this issue. Most have no understanding what they're talking about. Offering up platitudes, criticisms and non sequiturs and calling it advice is less than helpful, to put it mildly.

I hope you can find success in your relationship through the information you encounter in the book, for your girlfriend's sake, and for yours.

Best wishes.
gray_sailor

[KoolStoryBrah]

It could have been a lot worse, she could have gone on holiday and picked up a different guy every night, so having sex with one guy isn't so bad and seeing as she's only had four sexual partners at the age of twenty four, I wouldn't say that was a high number, if it was twenty men then I could relate to where you're coming from man.

If the relationship is good, you're happy, she's happy, you have no reason not to trust her and doubt her then let it slide because this will break your relationship if it's allowed to fester and manifest into a wedge that separates you.

As a guy that doesn't engage in casual sex and rejects women who have had a lot of casual sex, I could look past this one time, so I think you can too.

[Asker]

So you would forgive?

[Anonymous]

If she were to go on vacation alone would you trust her? Or would you be paranoid that she'd be cheating? A relationship is built on trust. If you can't trust her then why be with someone you cannot that.

[Asker]

Im 100% sure she won't cheat on me..

[Asker]

100% she won't cheat on me

[BellePepper]

You knew she had sex in the past and she clearly didn't like them since she's not with them now. She's with you so she must like you. What is there to be upset about?

[dudeman]

he's upset at himself for accepting such a women

[Asker]

@dudeman no, upset with the fact she had such story

[BellePepper]

What's her story? "I had sex. the end"

[dudeman]

Nah im easy now marry me because all u deserve is used goods the end

[BellePepper]

@dudeman Is he talking about engagement? No. So take your slutshaming somewhere else. No one cares.

[fenixx0083]

I'm confused, did she profess to be a virgin, and then he found out she was not.. not what?

[fenixx0083]

*or what

[BellePepper]

@fenixx0083 she never said she's a Virgin and he's actually slept with more people than she has. OP is just upset bc he found out she had casual sex even though he's also had casual sex.

[Asker]

@fenixx0083 no, no, i knew ftom the begining that she had relations before me

[Asker]

Correct

[Asker]

Well she's the only girl in my life that i can see bright future with so i can't say that she won't be my future wife. im really serious about her

[BellePepper]

If you're "really serious about her" then you need to work on moving past these feelings.

[fenixx0083]

Since you're *asking* for advice... this whole "she's had sex casually" thing seems like a bypass... like you're trying to say "she's been with too many men, she's unclean", without actually saying it...

In either event, if you *thought* she was anything more to you than a life support system for a pussy, and a penis count *before* this, then she should mean more than that to you now...

And in ANY event, you get over this the same way you get over anything else: you get over it.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to get over the idea that someone has a different moral code than you. But if you want her to be your future, you need to get over her past.
Did you have a past before her? Are you upset that she did it or jealous that she could and you couldn't? (Because sometimes this is all it really is about)
What ever the reason is, if you want her to be your future it will never happen if you have animosity towards her for things she did before your time. Most women have one night stands, it's part of their need for attention and feeling like they are desired. Her morals will change to reflect yours as long as you guys are together but if you do toss her aside she will not have any problem doing what she has done again.
I have had a similar relationship where I didn't find out until 2 years in that she had 18 partners before me, I quickly lost interest in her for her lack of moral dignity and our relationship ended... she then went right back to being dirty and slept with 5 more guys she didn't know within a short period simply because she could. Women are chameleons, their morals are that of the people they are around at the time.

[Asker]

Thanks for such a big response. im probably upset with both of thoose facts. and yeah-im jealous that she pleased a guy and i bet he didn't do much to get her.
I had casual sex and had sex with female friends too and also once i wasn't loyal to my ex... so i have issues too. she knows all that because i told her but she fully trusts me and says that doesn't give a crap who i was in the past because she likes who i am today. And yeah, im sure she won't betray me...

[detlef]

"More mystery, less history." That's the guideline. :)

Now that you know, though, the only reason to be concerned would be if she were still likely to want or be okay with casual sex partners. As long as the past is the past, then there's nothing to be bothered about. And personally I wouldn't want a girl who didn't have a past. :) As long as she doesn't look back on it with longing, that's cool with me.

Sounds like a great chick. Enjoy and take care.

[nightskycat]

She's with you now so focus on that. She did what she did but why does it matter anymore? Don't let something you can never change bother you so much and don't let it ruin the relationship you have with her.
She felt comfortable and trusts you enough to share her past with you, I think it's great she is communicating with you. She didn't do anything wrong and it's not a good idea to judge her based on her past.

[Anonymous]

What the hell is wring with u she didn't di anything while she was with u and she is just bring so fucking honest do u know how much u r lucky to find a girl who is realky honest with u, dont waste it by being paranoid and a fool

[InquisitiveMale]

She's 24, only had three previous sexual relations, and she's been honest with you about the circumstances of each one. A reasonable man cannot ask for more.

[tyber1]

Eh at least she was honest about it. Many girls who had casual sex lie or don't say anything. 4 isn't a huge number.

[Asker]

The thing is, she told me that the guy she had sex with is just the same as the otheres boyfriend she had before. she liked hin and they were hanging out for some time. she told me that the best sex in life she had was with me... and she doesn't remmember thoose people because she says im the best at everything.
She even gold me that it only lasted 2 mins and she didn't enjoy it and will never do it again

[tyber1]

There's nothing to worry about. My ex was with 2 guys before me. One was a boyfriend and one was casual. She lost her virginity to the casual guy and he lasted 10 seconds. She obviously regretted sleeping with him so I don't feel too bad about it. I figure that at least it wasn't with someone she enjoyed and went back to. I'd prefer it hadn't happened at all but people aren't perfect.

[OrangeBoy]

Best way is for you to rethink the way you see sex.

If you were alone... on vacations... wouldntt you want to bang someone? To have ffun?
Im using these terms not to hurt you, but to make you understant this is mere necessities that we have... waaaaay distant from love.

You know how things are with us, sometimes we just wish we could don it, right now and here. Same with girls, same race xD

Accept what she told you as a gift and a proff of her wish to share her life with you.

[KoolStoryBrah]

If you're idea of a fun holiday is to have sex with a stranger then you're a sad person. I go on holidays to experience new cultures, see famous land marks and put money into local economies.

[OrangeBoy]

@KoolStoryBrah I never said it was, and it isn't a goal. Don't call me sad please... im just saying that things happen, people have emotions and things change.

[Tarvold]

You idiot.

Would you rather a girl that was so unattractive she couldn't land a guy even when she was in vacation?

Get over yourself. 4 partners by the age of 24 isn't anything.

[Asker]

You think its nothing?)

[Tarvold]

Yeah. Even 4 partners within a year is nothing.

[Anonymous]

Well, let's flip it around.

DO you wish she had a lower sex drive, or enjoy the drive she had?

If you were single and a hot girl you were getting along with had wanted to sleep with you, would you really have turned her down?

[Asker]

But i dont see this girl as a girl for a relationship.. i would for sure have sex with her only if i was single but i doubt ill have a relationship with her due to the fact that she is easy to have sex with

[Opinion Owner]

If you'd have sex when single, you have two choices in life:
- find a girl who likes sex less than you, and be with her
- get over insecurity. accept that a girl who likes sex as much as you is perhaps as likely to cheat as you are, and you need to both try to be monogamous, and communicate, and make sure you satisfy each other.

I know which i'd choose.

[Asker]

Which 1?)

[Opinion Owner]

Have you ever been with someone who had a lower drive than you?

[Asker]

Yes... not a good experience

[TheGuyFromMiddleEast]

I think her behaviour does not show any signs of untrustworthiness with respect to modern Western culture. She was single, so she did what she wanted to do.

[Asker]

Thanks, i dont come from the west but i suppose i need to think the same way

[Blueeyes81]

Then be with her. If you love who she is then you love the path that lead her to this point.

[MrDetermined]

Honestly i would not date her. I also would not trust her, she is a slut to me.

[dudeman]

Just dump her and go back to being friends

[Asker]

Why so?

[dudeman]

Because...

[Anonymous]

How many have you been with?

[Asker]

Well, i had 4... she had 3 before me

[Opinion Owner]

Were any of those casual?

[Asker]

Yes,2 of them... and yeah, i didn't enjoy them at all

[Opinion Owner]

It looks like you two are evenly matched, then.

[jmmmfi2]

I don't think you can trust any girl