I'm black and my ex who's white dropped the "N" bomb, what to do?

Question

It wasn't toward me or even in a derogatory sense, but I called him out about it and told him off but he was so unapologetic, claiming that white people say it all the time and he only meant that the people he was talking about are dumb or something.

I told him it was inappropriate to say that to me at all and he still just made excuses... I've had nothing but white boyfriends and one of them did slip up and say it and needless to say I'm no longer with him.

My white friends who I've talked to about it say tell me that they have said it in that sense of the matter but it isn't a regular part of their vocabulary and that he's the biggest idiot ever. It hurts my heart and my pride to think I was in love with him at one point but that's a whole other story.

Pretty much, I just want peoples opinions. I'm deleting him from my Facebook and MySpace but should I send him a message first saying the above statements? Should I just leave it alone and let him revel in his own confusion? Please answer honestly.

shf84 · Accepted Answer

The thing about racism is that it comes in varying degrees. I worked a job with very few whites. The black supervisor hated me at first because I was white. He gave me sh*t jobs, didn't take me seriously etc. The other guys on the job felt likewise. I was raised in a home that had some racial problems but my father was like a third native American and had dark skin, my mother was very pale European. So race wasn't set in stone, there were racial slurs from time to time but we were all different races, my mother was white my father thought of himself as Native American, my sister and I were mixed it wasn't the same as a black or white or Asian family that can get together and all hate on group x. I came to the racially charged environment on that job, not really knowing what true blue racism was and not really understanding why they all hated me. I thought for a long time it was because they all liked the thug life and I was more college oriented. As time went by I realized it was mostly because I was white. (or mostly white any way)

I learned to take racism with a grain of salt, yes it can get serious like skin heads or nation of islam but usually it's just petty bickering between races. And believe me they ALL do it. The Mexican guys I work with now use the N word a LOT and they are racist, to a point, but I doubt these guys have some skin head agenda about killing blacks, their just ethnocentric and ignorant of how blacks actually are.

Another thing to watch out for and not to fall into is the witch hunt mentality that is so pervasive today. I volunteer with very left wing groups and there is a cult like group think out there where you have to walk on egg shells with regard to what you say, lest it be interpreted as "racist". The mentality is vicious to the point that if they think someone has a racial agenda they act like they want to hang the person. You can see this on the internet in chat rooms as well, race baiting to no end. Accusations flying. I think your boyfriend is insensitive about that given issue at least to a point. I do NOT think he is a raving white supremacist or he would not have been your boy friend in the first place.

What your boy friend has isn't good, and he could be more sensitive but if I reacted like that every time someone used the term honky or peckerwood around me It would become an issue eating me up inside.

I eventually grew to like my supervisor as time went by and he looked out for me on more than one occasion. That dose not mean that he didn't still have the same attitudes about whites that he did before, he did, and he looked at things I did with a critical eye because of that. All that means is, he was human not a monster.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think you should just move on you say he's an ex? Well then forget about him. He obviously doesn't respect you. I can't stand when people drop the and bomb. Regardless of race you're either racist or trying to be cool. A lot of people make racist jokes just because there funny most people won't get too upset. But then you have actual racists who really treat other people differently because there skin is different and they are the lowest scum ever. The fact that these people were raised to treat other human beings like that is disgusting to me.

Wow this ended up a rant and with no direction whatsoever my bad lol

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

honestly this is why black girls should not date white guys. sorry I know I'm gonna get a bunch of thumbs down but I don't give a f*** at all. look at the  majority of answers here from the white guys that answered. most of them do not give a f***, and if you know white people don't care about using the n-word and how you feel about it, what are you doing dating them? date a black guy. I don't even use the n-word and I'm black, it sounds stupid for anyone to use it but I don't know why white people use it. they don't go around calling people "cracka" or "honky"...why take a racial slur that was once the last word black people heard before they were lynched to death and use it as slang? obviously he lacks respect for you, you should have never dated him in the first place. sorry

jessicalaurentaylor · Accepted Answer

hmm well I think he was using it in the nword= ignorant/stupid or whatever.

annd that's not a bigdeal

hmmm I don't think I'd care if my dudee said it

as long as he's not saying it in a way to offend me

other then that I have white friends and we say it all the time

not talking about black people or any race we just say it about people who think are ignorant

soooo basically I'm saying I don't think its abig deal :PP but that's me

some people take offence to it

but again dude he's an ex

who gives two shats about him

move on love :DDD

Exotica08 · Accepted Answer

I...personally despise the N word. I believe that it should not be in anyone's vocabulary, whether you're black or not. When one of my friends called me the N word in a casual manner, I blew up, because it's not a word I consider modern. How did a word once used to degrade blacks, become a word that blacks use on each other? C'mon world. I thought we were smarter than that.

MrXYZI · Answer

Uhm, if he doesn't talk to you or try to apologize to you about it. Would it matter if he stayed on your FB and MySpace. I mean, it's weird how people look at things. I'm black, I call my friends "Niggas" not "Niggers" but some say it means the same thing. I believe "Niggers" has a more emotional compassion and realism behind it.

Dogs don't like Cats, so when a Cat sees teeth in a Dog it runs for the nearest tree. What I'm saying is, you could of just as easily called him a stupid cracker if you wanted too. We all try to hurt other people when we feel threaten or hurt over selves.

Example, if you and I were dating and we had the same argument that you had with your boyfriend, I would have called you a "Nigger" because I'm black myself, would only be contradicting my self in that sense. I'd probably use a slightly same meaning, "Your Ignorant" or "Stupid." Or maybe I'd bring up some random girl I could have dated instead of you.

However, it was nice or at all appropriate that he called you a "Nigga/Nigger" so therefore, delete if you wish. You don't have to explain yourself either, you've already told him how much you dislike it.

For the record, my white friend has called me a "nigger" once, and I actually went along with it. I tried to push some buttons to see how far he would go with his statement. I didn't think he actually meant it, I just felt like he felt threaten and wanted to hurt me, the deeper the lies, the further it cuts like a sword. He didn't have much on me, since we were but mutual friends, so he resorted to the only thing he could think of.

But again, doesn't make it right, especially in the sense that he's your boyfriend (or was) and his job is solely to protect your best interest.

themastaplan · Answer

ok look...i use the word nigga alllllll the time and by my pic you can tell I'm white...do I say it to my black friends, YES, the ones I am very close to tho and I know they don't care...to other black people that I don't know or don't know well...hell no I would never

the way I use it is not derogitory its like instead of what up homie its yo what up nigga...just some stupid thing its really meaningless...i mean black people say yo what up nigga all the time, its not like anyones trying to say you're a slave and you don't deserve sh*t...i mean its 2010 here...come on...honestly

now he should RESPECT you enough, to understand that you aren't comfortable with him saying it...if it slips now and then fine, if it continues then get outta there...i mean in reality its HOW you use the word in a sentance that makes that word...

ex: "damn that was a bitch" - something that was hard and couldn't get done easily

"damn that girls a bitch" - something derogitive and hurtful

see what I'm saying...

ex: "yo what up nigga'

:youre a nigg3r"

those two are completely different and come out differently...

basically what I'm trying to say is talk to him and tell him to respect the fact you don't like to hear him saying it...and if he keesp it up get him outta ur life...best of luck

MrXYZI · Answer

I miss read a couple of things. Which a couple of people pointed out. The facts have changed so my input changes also.

I don't think you should leave him. Like I said before, I have a friend who went off on me and tried to see how much he really meant his kind words. He called me a NIGGER 'cause he essential thought I was being IGNORANT, quote on quote. So I can see where some people don't use it in a racial way, they associate it with another definition. NIGGER = IGNORANT. However, if he claims you were unfit to live, and must die. Then I deem him racist.

The choice is essential yours, I don't want everyone thinking NIGGER (BAD). I say we except it, and change the definition of the word and move on. If it became socially acceptable, people would use it less. But their is a history behind, so I'm not saying tear down the walls and pretend it never happened.

I give it 50 more years. Lol =)

Camilus · Answer

If you are that hung up on race then you shouldn't be in interracial relationships...and If you accept a stranger of your race (like DannyPhantom) saying certain things but would break up with your boyfriend for saying the same thing because he is a different race then you should REALLY not be in an interracial relationship.

What to do? Nothing, you guys are already broken up...just delete him from FB and move on.

Seannyboy · Answer

You're a straight up bitch that is completely unworthy of a guy if you would dump someone over dropping the N bomb in a non offensive sense. The fact that you KNOW he isn't a racist and you KNOW he didn't use the word in a offensive way is sickening compared to the action you took. "I deleted him and he sent me some ANGRY messages, what's up with that? Maybe he doesn't get it...?"

This poor guy, like any guy would be is clearly confused why the hell you would COMPLETELY cut a relationship over this is appalling. Try to lose a chromosome before you date.

DannyPhantom · Answer

You should have show him  what a real nigga is and whip his ass, then he might think about ever using that word again in the future. I know some gansta white boyz  from the hood and they wouldn't think about using N word ending with er. Nigga is a more social acceptable term and becoming a norm only because its like my homie or my dude in a greeting type way. But if some white person come out their face and calls you a N-i-g-g-e-r or your peoples N-i-g-g-e-r please feel obligated to whip there ass. When white people use the N word ending with er it ain't to be nice and any way. So WHITE people DON'T DO IT, unless you want to get F*** UP.

katiesmuff · Answer

I'm a white girl who dates black men.  I would never in a general conversation use that word as in general it disgusts me to no end.  However many times while having sex with the bf's they have used it on me in a sexual way and have requesting I call them that plus some other things while we are going at it.  I consider this something they like to do in fun, but never in the real world would I or them use it.

w00769 · Answer

Know thy self first. If you did already know who you are you would not be in that position.

African history is so great that they (the power that be). Had to hide,lie and steal it and keep it

power from the very people who made it. Why because they know that it you knew you would

not put up with so crap. It would be beneath you. We as African Americans have lost our self

love behind slavery and the lost of our true history. They all come from us the African

One race... the human race. One love. One God. love God first seek knowledge of self.

Nomadic · Answer

He may not be racist in the sense that he thinks one person is better than another because of their race, but he's insensitive to say the least.

I never use the "n" word. I'm not condemning those who do, but there's nothing that needs to be said that can't be expressed without it, and I know some people find it offensive.

Even if this were about some totally innocuous word, he knows you find it hurtful or offensive, that should be enough.

mozcore · Answer

I am thrity years old and living in London! I have since I was 18 years old only dated black girls. I have two children with an ex( so yes they are mixed race or dual heritage if you prefer) both are beautiful the boy does modelling here for Marks and Spencers a UK brand you may have heard off! Anyway...

I can't say I think he is racist as others on here have suggested becaue he was dating you a black girl. Maybe he was trying to be cool, After you told him how you felt he should have apologised! He said he used it describe someone as dumb - has he looked in the mirror! He probably does not know the history behind the word which you should if you are going to use it. He clearly has the IQ of an amoeba and you are better of with out him. Abusive text messages as well after locking him off Facebook what an idiot! You are better of with out him.

I hope this experience has not put you of white guys for good. We are not all idiots!

lvax06 · Answer

1 he's an ex for a reason, and so waht if he dropped the and word, blacks say ti to themselves all the time and how is that different? that's waht upsets me, one color says it it's ok, another color says it and "whoa, hold up!" either the word has a negative connotation or it doesn't. I find that hypocritical.

and he said it once, whopee do, now if he said it often, that's another story. then you know he's racist and should not have been with you in the first place,

so get over this word.

DanielSan · Answer

Get over it. You care to much.

Black people say that sh*t all the time. Unless it was directed at black people its just another name.

Just like saying faggot or that's gay.

If your seriously offended sure tell him...but most people arnt so stuck up on race like that and they prob won't get where your coming from.

xamy90x · Answer

You have blown is completely out of proportion! I bet if he was black and said it wouldn't matter.

Makes me laugh how people use the "racism" card so much, and it's always us whites who have the finger pointed at us. I feel sorry for the guy, he has no clue what he's done wrong.. you've gone way over the top.

SpiritEyes · Answer

N bomb being nigga? Nah I don't agree with that. I don't stand for racism (im white) and nigga is a derogetory word. Although I do believe saying ba ba black sheep isn't racist and that its just political correctness gone wild, I do not like the word nigga.

EnviE · Answer

He screwed up.  Guys screw up all the time, it's what we do.  You really just need to drop it.

LoveDanceLove · Answer

Ummm welll first he's a douche and umm he may not be racist but he shud kno to respect you..so you were right to tell him to stop and delete him

Anonymous · Answer

I think you a woman who simply asks for respect, and it sounds like you have done everything to deserve it. I think if he really cared about you, he would have respected you and not said it. I'm sure there's a guy out there that will show you the respect you deserve.

Anonymous · Answer

I would ignore him. It's rude, uncalled for and totally inappropriate. It's not ok for him to say that in a joking manner.

l-hedoniste · Answer

You're black. He drops the N bomb to your face. AND he refuses to apologize. Just how much does he respect you?

Get him out your life. If he asks why tell him, and tell him you're not on speaking terms until he gets his head right.

Loveispateint · Answer

I'm glad you dumped him.  A slip up is thing but not learning from your slip ups and making excuses as to why you still want to remain ignorant and ignore and make light of what offends someone is being entirely dismissive to you.

I'm black and my ex who's white dropped the "N" bomb, what to do?

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