I just found out that a person who I thought was my friend is racist. Now he thinks that I’m going to take his ex. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I just found out that a guy, let’s call him Juan, I considered to be one of my best friends, secretly hates me and is racist. Juan (Hispanic) used to date a woman, let’s call her Lauren (White). Lauren stopped hanging out with us after the breakup. I hadn’t seen or spoken her in about 2 months.

Yesterday, she DMed me asking to hang out as just friends, she hoped it wouldn’t be weird. I said it wouldn’t and we grabbed dinner. Over dinner she told me her side of the breakup story. Juan didn’t tell me much. Essentially, according to her, he hates the friend group and talks trash about everyone. He would even steal her medication and verbally abuse her while they were together. She even told me that one time they were planning to go on a date and he said that she dressed too much like a Black guy. I’m Black. She said he said other racist stuff too but she didn’t want to repeat it all. We took a picture together and went our separate ways.

I was supposed to meet up with Juan and the crew today, but after finding out how racist Juan is and how he treated Lauren, I didn’t want to he around him. Juan got mad and said in the group chat that he wasn’t coming anymore. She posted the picture online and he found out about it.

I don’t want to date Lauren. Even though she’s a good friend, she’s not my physical type. I want to see the others in the friend group, but not Juan anymore. Do I just hang out with people one on one, should I confront Juan, should I distance myself from Lauren to be safe?

[Oliverlogan263]

This is a tough situation man. Juan definitely doesn't sound like much of a friend if he's secretly racist and an abusive jerk. I wouldn't want to hang around someone like that either.

As for Lauren, it's good you cleared the air that you just want to be friends. She might still get some crap from Juan though. I'd be straight up with the other guys too - tell them what you learned about Juan and that you're not cool with racism. Hopefully they'll understand and still wanna chill without him.

I'd confront Juan just to let him know you know the truth about him now, and that his behavior is unacceptable. But do it safely, maybe over text so it's not in person. And make sure other people know where you're at too in case he tries something stupid.

After that I'd just avoid him altogether. Distance yourself for your own good, and Lauren's too in case he tries to start anything. You don't deserve to be around that negativity. Your real friends will have your back. Stay safe man, but don't let some clown like that live in your head rent free!

[TurboAnon]

I think it's in your best interest to distance yourself from Juan. As for lauren, I think it best to distance yourself from her was well. Platonic friendships are not necessarily good, especially if feelings arise.