My boyfriends family is racist? Should I leave him?

[Anonymous]

For starters, I am a woman of color and he’s mixed (white dad/Hispanic mom) but he grew up with his dads side of the family. We’ve been dating for 6 months, and he’s always loosely mentioned his family but I never pressed about it. After 4 months he met my family and friends, I met his friends but not family. So about a week ago, I asked him if I’d get to meet them for his birthday (August) and he said it may not be a good idea. Then he told me that most of them are very racist, especially his grandpa. His dad and uncle are pretty bad apparently and his sister is sort of becoming like them. They all live together. Anyway, he apologized for not telling me sooner, and said that he just didn’t want to scare me away because he’s not like them and doesn’t think how they do. But now I feel very stressed out, because how can we progress? Family is so important to me, I’d want my kids to know family on both sides and I want to have a relationship with them as well. He’s very, very close to them so they will always be a factor. I love him but I don’t know if continuing on is right or safe for me. Any suggestions would be amazing.

[45Fstraight]

I think you should get out now. If you were my daughter, sister, friend, I would tell you to leave him.

It's not his fault, but they are his family and if you have a future together you will have a very stressful uphill battle on your hands.

What if they reject the children you have together? Imagine your child being shunned by her grandparents or treated like an outcast when her cousins are getting spoiled with grandma's affection.

You're in for a lot of heartache.

[Asker]

This is exactly how I’m feeling so you hit it right on the head, thank you🙏

[doopayo]

If his family is like that than he might be the same way most likely. I personally wouldn’t do it cause I wouldn’t want to later on if it gets serious, have to associate myself with that family

[Asker]

Thank you for replying, I may have to go with this route

[Kabluie]

I would not tolerate racism anywhere in my family, that would be a deal breaker however I would only make the decision if I saw it myself rather than hearsay. You can probably convince him to make the case to meet, maybe he's blowing it too far out of the water and the parents likely will be fine. I think that's worth a shot, that way you can both say you gave it your all rather than end it on something he just beleives.

[Asker]

This is such a great response, thank you☺️

[Daniel-Lingl]

Ok, it is not fair to a person to believe they are a certain way because of their family. That being said, I think you should meet your boyfriend’s family. If they attack you, see if he sticks up for you. If he does, then he’s good. If he doesn’t, then get rid of him.

[Asker]

I like this idea, the only problem is he avoids talking about his family and when I asked to meet them he said it probably wasn’t a good idea. I don't know if he’s feel differently now that he’s told me about it though..

[Daniel-Lingl]

It might be good to explain to him how you feel about the importance of family, as you described in your question.

[Asker]

Thats a good idea, thanks for the suggestion☺️

[Daniel-Lingl]

Of course my friend, best of luck to you 😁

[worldscolide]

It's idiotic to punish him for how his family is.

That's like shitting your pants and changing your shirt to be honest.

[Asker]

I don’t want to punish him, I’m just not sure how to handle this. It’d be one thing if he wasn’t very involved with his family, because then I could treat it like ‘out of sight out of mind’. But he’s so close to them, they’ll always be a factor, and if one day we had kids, they wouldn’t accept them. I don't know, it just makes a future feel very bleak..

[worldscolide]

And that's sad.. If he is not like that then you have nothing to worry about.. If my wife was like you, I would not be married right now, thank goodness she is not.

[Asker]

Then your wife has not been presented with this sort of obstacle and for that I am happy for her. You don’t have to be rude, because my concern is pretty valid and I think any person (not even woman) in my shoes would feel this way. I’ll just take you “if he is not like that then you have nothing to worry about” and pretend you didn’t say the other unnecessary things. Thanks.

[worldscolide]

It's not rude to tell the truth.. Nor is it rude to joke..

[Asker]

It feels rude for you to say that you wouldn’t be married to your wife if she were like me. How would anyone feel to find out such news? I can’t skip for joy at the thought of his family not even giving me a chance because of my race.

[worldscolide]

Family has never mattered too much to me. I have not spoken to my mother in 8 years.. Not because she's dead, or doesn't want to talk to me, I had to remove her from my life, because she was a toxic element. She would have ruined my relationship with my wife if I kept her around. My wife had a conversation with me about it. I made a choice to cut her from my life. Perhaps you should have a conversation with him about it. Because breaking up with someone over that kind of thing is just plain wrong.

[worldscolide]

And for the record, the truth no matter how bad it hurts, is never rude.

[worldscolide]

I got lucky with my wife's family, they took me in like I was a long lost son.

[Asker]

What exactly is the truth? And I have no problem cutting off toxic people, including family but he is very close with his and I’d never suggest him do that if it’s not what he wanted. I don’t want to break up over something like this, but how could I subject myself to blatant racism? This is the conflict I’m facing and I don’t think it’s fair for you to act as though I’m being completely irrational.

[worldscolide]

I'm not sure on that one. You also don't know if you will for sure be treated badly. I wish I had better advice to give.