How to talk to your partner about excessive PDA?

[Anonymous]

While I like handholding and kissing, I find my girlfriend's desire to do it in public quite excessive. She has to hold my hand ALL the time and if I don't , she feels rejected by me. I enjoy doing it but I really find the need to take breaks. And kissing, hugging, talking intimately... I try to find an out of the way , out of sight spot to do that. And she wants to do it in the middle of public. How do you talk to your girlfriend/boyfriend about this without them feeling that you like them any less?

I mean it's not heavy making out sessions or sex in public, but still. She claims it's normal, but it's awkward to me. I see some couples that occasionally hold hands in public but 100% all the time. So my second question is what do you consider normal and how much?

[xplaydates]

I, myself, am not a big fan of PDA in general, like you. It makes others uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable. I like to hold hands with my partner, hold my partner in my arms, cheek and mouth pecks, at most. In my opinion, making out in front of everyone is too much displayed for me. If I'm feeling frisky, I'll sneak intimate touches (me brushing against his crotch/him grabbing my ass), but it would be stealthy and not for the eye of the public.

This is just something you have to talk to your girlfriend about. Your comfort and boundaries and your thoughts on PDA. I suppose reassure her that it has nothing to do with your attraction to her, but that you're just not that big on PDA. Remember to remind her that it's not that you're ashamed, either, it's just you feel like certain things should be more private and special between the two of you, and it just feels like an invasion of privacy to you? Just throwing ideas.

[Reallio]

I understand, just talk to her in private about it. Let her know how it makes you feel when it's too much. If she respects your feelings then she'll listen and draw it back a bit. If she doesn't care and is only selfish, then she isn't really worth your time. Because, if she wouldn't even respect your feelings on something as miniscule as this, then she probably won't respect them on a larger problem. Talk to her. PDA is normal, but too much PDA is gross. As someone from the outside (and has experienced this as well) it's embarrassing and revolting to see in public. My ex had us making out in one of the aisles in Target, like really? Holding hands and the occasional peck or something is fine and dandy... but with it being 24/7 it is not cute.

[Reallio]

Outside and inside perspective... too much PDA is gross...

[Pantherax]

Why does it make you feel uncomfortable?
You should talk to your girlfriend about it because she doesn't think of it the same because there isn't a scale of too much and normal. there's just what you're comfortable with and what you choose to do.

The reason she might feel upset when you push her away in public is that she would feel like you're embarassed to be seen with her.

I personally feel like a kiss or two in public is nice as it shows me that even though we're among other people. Im still on his mind and we're there for each other and not doing/ doing things for the public but for us.

[kaylaS91]

I just told him, within a month or so of us having started dating, that I'm not into PDA. That the occasional peck is alright but having public makeout sessions are unnecessary. He knows I'm into making out in private so it's nothing that I have against him personally. I just feel like I'd prefer to do without him 'making a claim' on me like that publicly.
(I feel the same about handholding. I hate that, mostly just because I have this thing against anyone holding my hands/arms for prolonged lengths of time but he was perfectly fine and understanding with my telling him I'm just not into it.)

[lightbulb27]

sounds like trouble... it may be you have more of a need for space and she is needy for closeness.

girls often are like that in relationships... clingy. These may be signs of normalcy, or may be signs she has a high degree of insecurities. I'd get to know more of her past and why she is this way. Have open disucussion but it may not go well. There are conflicting needs and underneath... if it is emotional (that is feelings) that she cnanot control, it will cause problems.

counseling never hurt anybody and probabably will be needed. maybe my answer is extreme, but it sounds a lot like my prior girlfriend who had some sizeable issues.

[AriadneSky]

first of all liking something doing something doesn't mean you 'need' it. and having a need is not needy.

as fro being affectionate, its not clingy its whats she likes and what he doesn't like. if he liked it and she didnt-which is often is the case- its till not clingy. they just have different preferences. and he ddint say she wants more affection. he didn't say she's too affectionate he said she's too affectionate in public. if he's being honest than the issue is not that she wants more affection than him. just at different times.

my guess is this isn't just about -da it is just easier complaining about pda than affection in general. i think they amy be incompatible. counseling doenst fix that. there is nothing 'wrong' with either of them. they just want different things.

[lightbulb27]

@AriadneSky you make some great points, and I may be projecting into his scenario.

But if she requires more affection in public (or more than he likes), then it is kind of a security thing for her. not sure why he doesn't like it.

I agree nothing wrong with either and counseling doesn't mean to me there is something wrong. counseling... my point is.. to facilitate deeper discussions about what is going on inside them.. their needs, values, and are there underlying issues that are causing those needs. It may turn up differences that are too much, it may be something that helps them understand each other better. That could possibly be done via taking a class in relationships somewhere (church, read a book) and then talk and get to know each other. But ignoring her need, ignorning the issue, or giving her what she wants (while internally not liking it) are not solutions.

It is good he asked, that is a positive sign.

[AriadneSky]

i see what you are saying. :)

though if they have not actually talked about it and she doesnnt know he doesn't like it then she might just think they are both affectionate lol

i do think its good he asked, i just think he should think carefully that its just the pda and not like what you're saying where he just simply wants less / her more. bc then theyd discuss all this feel falsely like they accomplished something,. and be in the same exact situation all over again... then needless resentment sets in, and baggage! :)

[SomeGuy37]

Sounds like you have someone that really likes you!! So what if you have to hold hands, and maybe kiss a bit, publicly!! Really? That's your issue?
My question is: "What is wrong with you that you don't just love being with her, and love holding her hand and kissing?"
I've seen couples doing A LOT more, and MUCH MORE INTIMATELY, in public!!
Personally, I love when she likes me that much that she wants to hold hands, and kiss, not caring who sees!! That is a GOOD THING, for a relationship!

[feminismisnarcissism]

straight up... homie THINKS he has problems. I dated a girl once and public was her whole GIG... she'd try to get me to fuck her on the pool table at "family fun center" (ie kids, old people, piles of people around) or pay no attention to me.. then someone walks by, grabs me and starts making out-total exhibitionist... then get home... wants to fuck with her hair... weird, I didn't put up with it long, see ya

[TokyoGhoulLover]

What's normal is whatever the partner in question feels comfortable with. She probably just wants to "show you off" by for lack of a better non-animalistic word, "Claim you infront of potential rivals and tell Your potential rivals that she's off limits" trust me dude its a compliment! but if you are uncomfortable with this just say what you did in this paragraph but a tad bit kinder. "(insert pet name) I love you I really do, but I just feel uncomfortable with that, it doesn't mean I like you any less" hell, you can even make a flirtatious comment about it. But the best thing to do is just be as direct and sincere with how you feel about her, and what your comfort zone is. By god I hope it isn't too the extreme where like you flinch away from her like a vampire from sunlight. A relationship is about Communication, Understanding, and Equal Respect. If she is unwilling to compromise, or for you two to seek a compromise well then. *shrug*

[Cc1234]

Man I wish I had your problem. Must be rough having a girl that wants to be affectionate with you. If I were you I wouldn't complain, because I had that kind of girl and now I don't and life is 10x better when you have someone who wants to be affectionate with you.

[Sinister]

I find your gf's action to be very normal. Nothing strange about that, it's more about how you were raised to see a relationship model as you grew up, more or less your parents or who ever your r/s model was. Maybe for her it was aPDA all the time in public which is not a something to be shamed about she's freely expressing her love for you in the way that she has seen it done. Me, personally I don't give two shits who the hell is watching. PDA all the way!

[AriadneSky]

is this too much affection for you in public, or is it in general. its important to recognize that. bc if its in general you guy might just not be compatible, some people just like lots of affection others dont. nothing wrong with either one they just won't get along well.

you should honestly figure out what the problem is before talking with her. be sure not to bring i up like she's wronga and you're right. no one is wrong.

[vonasaurus]

everyone shows affection differently. my man and i aren't overly demonstrative in public, though a peck on the cheek or holding hands for a few minutes is fine.

still, if it makes you uncomfortable (ie: you've told her how you feel and she still insists on doing this), you need to talk. but keep the focus on you, not on her~ she's less likely to feel rejected if she knows it's not personal.

[Relentless_Hippie]

My boyfriend was like you in the beginning of our relationship. It made me feel really bad about myself and it made me sad. Do you know where we are now? He puts up with it!! If I love you I'm going to cuddle you and smooch you, and hold your hand, and occasionally smack your butt because you're my pumpkin!! So either you find a cold and standoffish girlfriend or you accept my love!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[KenM9215]

lol your answer for some reason reminded me of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTCAu14N_WM

(P. S. sorry about the name of the video, its the only one I could find of it that was not heavily edited or annoying lol). Also I'm not saying you are like this... like I said, it just reminded me of it.

[Relentless_Hippie]

@KenM9215 Lmao that's a joke my boyfriend and I have with each other. Sometimes I'll blatantly ask "Pay attention to meeee!! :'( "

He always laughs at me and brings this up. xD

[KenM9215]

lol thats a good relationship :P

[Relentless_Hippie]

@KenM9215 Lol thank you! :)

[carpe_natem]

my boyfriend and I are actually both like this so it is normal for her to want that but if it makes you uncomfortable she should be able to understand that because in a relationship it is important to consider the other person. Just tell her that you are a more reserved and private person and PDA makes you a bit uncomfortable, she should understand, just make sure to give a little yourself and hold her hand in public sometimes and everyone should be happy

[miserybusiness]

"bitch let go"

I don't know, I'm a fairly physical person as well
I like holding hands in public but if I need to hold something else
like I don't know
a mango maybe
then I'm gonna have to let go of the guy's hand for a few minutes
until I've eaten the mango
at least 90% of the way at least

[rexeberiam]

hi there

[feminismisnarcissism]

that is all normal... well, not the 100% part.. but some women are very touchy... I find Geminis in particular are very much like this... nothing wrong with it, I like it.

but if it bothers you... be strategic man... take up smoking and soda drinking "sorry yo, my hands are full, you know how it is "

[Ratiocinative]

Relationships are always about balancing each others wants and needs. Talk to her the same way you do about anything else. Try to find a balance that both of you are happy with, and if you can't then you break up.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend use to be weird about PDA and sometimes I am too. But we have both kinda just forgotten about the rest of the world and do it. One time he walked me to uni and I was early so we hung outside a bit. I dragged him down an alley way and we made out like no tomorrow, he was grabbing my ass and everything. People were walking pass occasionally.

[Anonymous]

I think holding hands and a peck on the lips or cheeks, plus hugging is ok and cute in public. But having sex and making out in public is def not ok. There are some people like you who dont like doing those ok stuff in public and i know it has nothing to do with you not liking her and such. You need to talk to her about it, tell her how you feel towards it. But since she doesn't like how you dont like it too then, you should at least hold her hands or let her hold your arms. Compromise.

[Ladyslipper]

I'm the type that absolutely hates pda and will not date a man that still tries to do it.. to be honest when I see people holding hands, I think it's cute but it does seem childish and anything more then that like kissing or someone clinging onto there partner it does seem kinda awkward. You never really see long term couples or married people doing that mostly just new lovers lol

[InfernalMachinae]

Not all the time and feeling rejected is sort of not normal. If she's secure about you two, then she probably wouldn't feel the need to PDA all the time.
Also, she may just want to show you off.

So there's that. I'm thinking you ask her motive for the PDA.

[madhatters4]

i think you can just try to explain that you are a bit uncomfortable with PDA. explain that it in no way means that you don't like her but is rather just a personal comfort thing

try to discuss a compromise where you both can be satisfied.

[Lyndsielee666]

I consider holding hands 24/7 normal for me because I have horrible anxiety. If it bugs you talk to her

[Asker]

I have anxiety issues too. The constant holding hands is stressful to me... I like it a lot of the time bit sometimes I just need a break.

[Lyndsielee666]

How long have you guys been dating?

[pooper89]

A peck on the lips and holding hands is fine. I'm ok with touching but if he touches my butt in public it makes me uncomfortable

[Asker]

Its just basically that. But the hand holding is constant like I'm being taken in as a prisoner. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm affectionate but not that affectionate

[Anonymous]

When my boyfriend and I walk together we hold hands 80-90% of the time unless it's scalding hot outside and it's not tolerable.
Any amount of hand holding is normal in my opinion. Never holding hands is weird though...

[DrTruth]

Holding hands... normal. French kissing your girl and at the same time she's looking at me while waiting to get my movie tickets at the kiosk... not normal.

[WillowTree]

Are you ashamed of her or are you afraid of people looking?

[cybys]

it's just weird in my opinion

[WillowTree]

@cybys Nothing weird about displaying affection for someone publicly. It seems like you're embarrassed and worrying too much about what others are thinking when they see you. I understand finding a quiet place to be affectionate but it is sending the wrong signals to her. She's ultimately going to feel like you're ashamed of her. In her head, she's proud of having you but feels like you're embarrassed to show off your relationship in front of people. This is a common issue with couples so don't feel bad about it. The problem is finding a solution.

Having a chat with her about it could easily backfire in your face. I honestly can't think of one reasonable suggestion you could give her that won't lead to a problem sooner or later. I'd love to be like the rest of these posters and tell you a private talk with her is going to solve everything but I think it's going to create an even larger issue. She's just going to get upset at you no matter what.

[WillowTree]

So either grow into accepting public affection or brace for impact for the aftermath of The Talk. Good luck dude.

[cybys]

*braces for impact*

[orphan]

he doesn't have a problem w/ PDA he has a problem w/ the excessive bits. holding hands everywhere you go can become cumbersome, tedious, and tiring.

what if he wants to go into his pockets? or answer his phone? or basically anything that requires two hands... poor guy's hands will be snatched up the second he no longer needs both hands.

if she has to be intimate all the time w/ him, then they're better off at home having sex.

[cinderelli]

All the time... nope... I won't do that.. sometimes it's fine tho.. and holding hands is not a big deal

[NajemEddine]

to much of it is bad tell her that
also she keeps holding your hand in public to show your are hers :p
female making their zones clear hhhh
but being clingy is not good

[brewersfan01]

I dont like any pda in public, and i dont like seeing other people do it. its disrespectful, and it paints the wrong picture for your girl (that she's loose). just seems like childish behavior.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's an exhibitionist. Then its hard to get them to break it especially if she gets a rise out of your discomfort or others reactions.

[RationalMale]

What's wrong with it? I get a big kick out of making out in public

[backonthelist]

Just tell her she's being a bit clingy. Its easy to get carried away, she'll realize what ur saying and adjust

[SmandyCandy]

Geez I wish I knew how to help with that because it gets on my nerves lol

[Anonymous]

With mine I just say stop fuckin doing that shit in public man

[cybys]

I feel you bro doing things in public that are uhh *close* feels awkward or just weird

[Anonymous]

Try talking to her but if that doesn't work use some reverse pyhcoligy and just she how far she will take it before she backs off

[anonman32]

I can't help you man i love this stuff.

[Owl95]

Talk to her

[IvoirianGirl20]

Another fake problem