Am I too demanding?

Question

I've been married for 3 years. My wife always used to look after herself. During the last 1 and a half years she added a few inches around her waist and bum. She also got cellulite on her upper arm, legs - lower leg as well.

I've tried everything for her to get rid of it. I bought her a scale; I bought her one of those machines which shakes the extra pounds off and she joint a gym, but never goes to exercise.

I'm really so frustrated. I'm looking after my body. I do sport and eat correct. It’s just as if she doesn't care. And we fight about it so seldom. I feel to get a divorce, because of something so stupid. I even said that I will go to the gym with her. We earn enough to buy products to get rid of her cellulite, but she is just not getting so far.

I can't help feeling that she can look better, that she can put in more effort. I'm a good husband, I help her with allot of things in and around the house e.g. cooking and washing dishes. She doesn’t ask for it, I just do it. The one thing I asks her is to look after her body and she just refuses. She always makes promises, but don't deliver.

Any advice or suggestions.

Thanks

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think that maybe you are concentrating so much on her body that you are finding things you just didn't see before, about 90% of females have cellulite and the 10% that don't right now...will get it later down the track. I'm a beauty therapist I've seen more naked women in real life then any man will in theirs, And I can tell you there is no perfect person out there.

Have you thought that maybe your wife could be suffering from depression? Because if my partner suggested all the things you have even just once over I can tell you I'd take a big dive in the self esteem department.

I wonder would you be as concerned if say she didn't smile for a month?

With her making promises to you I can tell she is desperate to please you but what your saying to her is, here are some scales... your fat... its an insult even if you did this in a gentle way. It drags you down further into that pit. Trust me she knows she's put on weight, she knows every single little bit of fat by name and where it lives. Its been forced on women from the day they were born.

My suggestion for you is to get her to see a councilor. there maybe something she is lacking. She may need an outlet some way of contributing to this partnership.

I've worked all my life untill I had my little boy, and I can tell you right now, I'm a big girl fabulous cook great in bed ;) lol but I can't clean to save my life, well enough but not enough if you know what I mean. So I started a business. this is my contribution. because my talents are just not in the area of stay at home mom. And up until I did this I was going crazy.

And my question to you is how often do you have sex? And is it good... for HER.

Do you snuggle on the couch? do you give each other a shoulder massage every now an then?

Do you romance her? take her to dinner, a night walk on the beach when there is a full moon or when she gets home there are rose petals through the house leading to a nice necklace or bracelet.

Make sure you are showing your loving caring side make her feel good women need this. If you tell her she is beautiful instead of her needing to go to the gym maybe she will get back some mojo...

Just my suggestion.

Good luck

Peace!

wildfire5288 · Accepted Answer

Personally I think people, men and women, should still look after their bodies once they get married. It shouldn't be, "Well I'm married now, game over, let me see how much ben and jerry's I can eat in a week." That much said things happen. Hopefully as you get older you get promoted and get better jobs and those tend to take up more time and energy and going to the gym because less and less important.

I don't think you should get a divorce over this because you will look like the biggest d*ck on the planet if you get a divorce and then go back to dating and go, "I divorced my wife because she got fat." It doesn't take that much effort to stay in reasonably good shape. I'm not sure if you have kids or not but if she did have kids that baby weight can be a pain in the ass to lose (or so I've heard, I don't have kids so I wouldn't know).

Maybe she has a reason for working out that you don't know about. I don't think buying her a scale and workout machines will help though, it'll probably make her just feel bad about herself (especially if it gets to or has gotten to the point where you won't have sex with her). Some people do make working out seem like this horrendous thing and just refuse to do it which I think is just because they're lazy because the hardest part about going to the gym is getting off your ass to go, once you're there it's really not bad at all.

But you do have to realize that some people are lazy and just don't care about how they look after a certain point in life (or in some cases never care about how they look) and your wife might be one of those people. Explain to her why you want her to work out and don't say it's because she'll look better say it's more of a health concern (which it will become as she gets older). But the more you harp on it the more she'll just feel like her husband doesn't find her attractive which will probably just make her depressed and she'll wind up eating more. I know that doesn't really make sense but a lot of girls have a tendency to eat their feelings especially when they're feeling fat.

CuriousChick · Accepted Answer

You have the wrong demand. Yes, it's important to stay healthy, but your focus in your complaint is less on her health and only her appearance. Most people who start trying to get fit do so because of appearance, but those who stick with it do it simply because it feels good to do so and makes them feel good about themself. You're encouraging the wrong angle by just focusing on how she looks rather than how she feels.

I do think it's fair to ask that she takes care of herself, but your focus should be on her doing it for herself rather than just to be able to turn you on. If you focus on health, indicate that the reason you exercise and stay fit for her is because you want to make sure you stay healthy to be able to be with her for the long term, and to be active with her as you grow older. I exercise more than my bf, and when I encourage him to work out with me, I don't EVER take the perspective that he needs to do it to look good for me. I talk about wanting him to be healthy and to feel good!

Some of the things you mention are a bit unreasonable. For instance, no matter how skinny or fit, the majority of women have cellulite - you can not burn it off with exercise. It's a different form of fat (subcutaneous rather than deep tissue), and depending on how your body is made up and your genetics, you can be super skinny, super fit, and still have cellulite. Cellulite WILL tend to increase in visibility as women age (and we are more likely to have it than men) regardless of how much we exercise. Also, it will tend to accumulate in women's arms and backside as we get older, even if we stay fit. Women's bodies are built more to store fat vs. men - it helps us have reserves for child bearing/rearing. Try to maintain a realistic and reasonable perspective on this... cellulite is photoshopped out of tons of pictures of models, celebrities, etc., and porn clubs or strip clubs use dim lighting so it minimizes the appearance of cellulite on their performers - but it's there nonetheless.

Nomadic · Accepted Answer

Yes, you are too demanding. Most of us would be safer throwing rocks at a nice big hornet's nest than telling the women in our lives they have to lose the cellulite.

It's usually harder for women to lose weight than men, especially after 30. No matter what she does she won't look like an 18 year old forever.

You can help motivate her to be fit, but you're going about it all wrong.

First, women are more likely to stay fit if they feel better about their bodies. You won't make her feel better about her body by pointing out the flaws. Going to a gym in particular take confidence. Gyms usually have some young, beautiful people in them, it can be intimidating.

Second, you can help her by finding something physical you can do together. Go for walks, bike rides, hikes, etc. Find something new that you're both interested in, like canoeing or rock climbing. If you're a really good husband you'll be willing to do something girly with her, like taking a step class, if that's what she wants to do.

One unrelated point, I'll bet you have a mustache. Divorce due to cellulite seems like something only a man with a mustache would consider. I don't really know why.

thetheme · Accepted Answer

YOU ARE NOT BEING DEMANDING! You just want to be with the person that you are sexually attracted to. Many women let themselfs go when they get a man, but they hit the gym when they lose one... She doesn't care because she already has you there, and you are not going anywhere. You must not tollerate this. If she continues this then you will have to take your worth elsewhere. We can't control attraction, and when the attraction leaves it's time to go. DON'T LISTEN TO THESE WOMEN... They lose attraction because of different things and leave or try to put you in the friend zone, but that is always ok. When a man does it then they think it's wrong. It's a double standard so don't fall for it. By the way, STOP doing all those things for her. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in.

Evolution86 · Answer

First, I would take offense to a man buying me a scale, or work out equipment because that's no better than being told "Honey, looks like you've put on a few pounds" and leaving it at that. Giving her a scale is like telling her you're embarrassed by how she looks.

Second, if it bothers you that much, why not suggest something less likely to cause her to find a reason to pick a fight. Suggest going for a walk after dinner. Say something like "You know, it's a beautiful night, why don't we go for a walk together?" It's an easy way to get some physical activity without telling her she's fat.

Third, I think you need to realise that it could be that as you're wife has gotten older, her metabolism has slowed down, thereby causing a few pound weight gain. As women get older, our metabolisms do slow down, and it becomes more and more difficult to lose weight, or stay at the same weight as even a few years ago. It's just a fact of life. If your wife hasn't changed the way she eats, like she hasn't started eating junk food, or over indulging, then there's not a lot she can do about it, especially if she doesn't like to work out.

Basically what I'm trying to say is you sound extremely shallow and judgmental for thinking this way about you're wife. It isn't fair to make a big deal out of a few pounds. How would you feel if you gained 5 or 10 pounds and she bought you a scale, a gym membership, or exercise equipment? A little insulted I would think, that's exactly why she's feeling, and by not utilizing the gym membership, etc., she's basically telling you "You know what? You're being judgmental, and that's not fair. If you have a problem with how I look, you'd better say it and have a hell of a reason for it, because I'm comfortable with how I look."

Anonymous · Answer

Unfortunately, no matter what we bring to a relationship it doesn't guarantee that our partner will do the same. Her weight gain is not about you being a great or crummy husband. A lot of people let themselves go once they are in a relationship. You just become comfortable. I have seen so many people skinny-up after a breakup. It is extremely common.

I wish I had great advice for you, but I was married for 13 years to a man that continued to gain more and more weight while we were married. I tried everything. First I nagged him, then I just cooked for him and tried to help him have better eating habits. Nothing really worked that great. It was his deal and even after our divorce he continues to struggle with his weight. He is heavier than ever.

I can say machines that shake your body are a WASTE OF MONEY. Gym memberships only work if you are motivated, but one area that makes the biggest difference is what you eat. You should look at how to eat healthier and how to keep unhealthy food out of your lives.

hesaysim2sexy · Answer

the more you push her to change is going to push her to the brink to the point  she will hate herself for not being able to please you. yes you are too demanding. too pushy. the worst thing you can do is drive her to hate herself and might do something so stupid, you will regret buying that stupid hateful weighing scale. that's a big slap in the face. THAT HURTS. I am a wife too. just be easy with her. let her help herself by seeing what she has become. be there for her instead of nagging her. it's just fat and cellulite. it will go away. but love won't if you don't let it.

RockchickUK · Answer

Your wife will be more than aware of the inches she has gained...believe me, there is no one who is more critical of a woman's weight than herself!.

After I had my second child I gained some weight and felt like a swamp donkey and so depressed, it was less than a stone but I hadn't gained a pound with my first.

My now ex, mentioned it a lot and it did nothing for my confidence, instead of it encouraging me to feel and look better, I just got defiant and did nothing.

Maybe he got some lessons on reverse psychology or had a Eureka moment, but as soon as he showed me attention and told me how nice I looked etc I felt so motivated to look even better for the man I love. He admitted I had changed weight but said that he loved me and was lucky to have me...who wouldn't want to make a man who said that happy?.

Give that a spin, see how it works... :o)

Anonymous · Answer

why even bother. she's going to get older and eventually start to wrinkle and sag (what then? should she get botox injections to put in more effort to please you?)... nobody can maintain a 20-something-year-old-body. if you can't love her with a couple inches chances are you won't as years pass and she gets older. yes you are being too pushy/demanding. if its not affecting her health, and inch or two won't make a difference. really. would the difference between 120 and 130 pounds really mean that much to you?

Anonymous · Answer

maybe she feels like you're hounding her. you take care of yourself when you feel good. I hate to break it to you, but women's bodies change. its no excuse for letting yourself go, but if you expect her to keep a 25 inch waist the rest of her life, I hate to tell you that's unrealistic. she might feel bad about herself and feel like you're harassing her. you can't force someone to lose weight. perhaps you should drop the issue and start treating her better. pretend that she is the most beautiful woman in the world and make her feel good. I'm betting that once she feels attractive and desirable she will be inspired to workout and keep herself up. but coming from a woman, when you feel like your man doesn't think you're good enough why would you want to try? did you ever think she might be depressed/down?

apayne1988 · Answer

maybe you should leave her alone for a little bit about it, when women get older they gain some weight, you wouldn't like it very much if she was leaving little hints around that you need a bigger penis. So leave her alone, she will work it off when she's ready.

Anonymous · Answer

Find some guys to flirt with her and get her to see herself as sexy again, and she will start caring about her figure again. Right now she has no one to impress except you and she already has you, so her work is done.

I know this sounds crazy, maybe awful, but it is true.

miranda8 · Answer

as you get older you have to accept the fact that your partner is going to get uglier. if you love your wife you shouldnt have to wprry about this unless its effecting her health. can you imagine how she feels right now? you buying her scales and products etc? if I were her id be devastated. no offence

nevergivinguponu · Answer

Get her a personal coach that's gonna kick her ass. It appears that she has good intentions with no follow through. Then go buy her some sheer, revealing sexy bras and panties. If she doesn't respond go buy some p*rn or go online and don't delete your browser history.When she asks or screams at you for that just calmly explain to her that you tried to talk and help her but you just didn't care. In form her you'd  like her to  be healthy and make an effort.

willow88 · Answer

Could it be that she finds that she is so comfortable with you, that she doesn't feel the need to stay the same way as when you first met her? That you would be able to see past the couple of pounds and the cellulite to the woman you fell in love with? Besides cellulite everyone has some even if its only a small amount. Passing comments on her weight is not going to help motivate her...a woman is only too aware of herself she is her biggest critic...maybe there is something in her life like work that is getting to her? Why not suggest going out for a walk with her to take your minds off everything...maybe bring a picnic have strawberries and salad, and this way she is starting back to exercise and eating healthily?

TexPlayboy · Answer

It is a fact of life that we get bigger as we get older, and when you turn 40, it is even harder to loose weight. Decide if you love her regardless of how she looks and that will tell you whether to stay or go.

Chances are that you are both going to be larger in the future than you were in the past. She might have a head start. There is a chance she is fighting depression; if you see signs of that, please get her help. Healthy is more the issue than her looking HOT.

Good Luck,

James

alliebeatbama · Answer

I feel like women should do this on their own. We should want to look our best for our men...but sadly most women who get married feel like they don't have to impress anyone anymore. I think as long as you are kind about it, it is fine for you to ask her to get healthy. but it should be more out of your concern for her health and being able to grow old together, not just that you won't be attracted to her, or maybe that you'll be embarrassed by her.

iamallstar · Answer

Welcome to marriage, buddy.

I'm surprised no one warned you about your girl letting herself go when you marry her.

Sorry I can't be much help, but every married guy I know complains about this, sooner or later.

BTW, buying her the scale was probably a bit much.

tex151 · Answer

No one wants a fat chick, so you have two options, trade her in for a new model, or tell her to put down the cheeseburgers and get her to the gym asap, the way I see is if your in shape then your chick should be in shape to, and vise versa.

m1988 · Answer

When I don't feel good about myself that makes me want to exercise less and eat more, so getting negative comments from a boyfriend wouldn't make me want to go to the gym. It would just make me feel depressed.

emilyisme · Answer

maybe if you wouldn't be so bitter about the situation she would be more likely to change. If you show that you can love her no matter what, then she'll change and do it for herself. People seldom change for others, but mostly for themselves.

xoxo2819237 · Answer

It's her body.  Sometimes women will try hard and their chemistry just won't let them lose much weight.  It's not always about eating right and working out.  In short- yes, you're being too demanding.

peace-love-couture · Answer

you're an idiot.If you had common sense you'd know there is no cure to cellulite.if there was,don't you think females would not complain of it

Anonymous · Answer

right now she has no one to impress, because she is already with someone who likes her. even if she is trying to stay slimmer, she might not be able to make it because every one gets fats on them, for some its earlier or for some its later on. and if you ask her again and again to loose weight she might lose her confidence in doing so. so ur a bit too demanding in this. let her feel that you love her no matter how she its, its all about the heart she carries for u.

trunks13grl · Answer

no your not to demanding, there isn't anything wrong with her making some effort to exercise. also think its great that your trying to help her.

AshBrown · Answer

Welcome to the club. It will not change. Nothing will change it; trust me.

chiefnavarro · Answer

well its not to demanding that she stay decent looking. as long as you take age into account.

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