Why do people cheat instead of just breaking up?

[InquisitiveMan]

Why do people cheat instead of just breaking up?

[insertcreativenamee]

It's usually an issue they have with themselves, or something they need to work out. I've been cheated on and I have friends who have been cheated on, I've also been friends with cheaters.

I think most people who cheat are simply insecure and they need validation from someone other than their SO. They may be insecure about their appearance, financially insecure, or maybe they don't feel secure in the relationship.

I've been cheated on by a guy who was crazy in love with me. He loved showing me off, he spent all his time with me, and he even made a savings account for an engagement ring.

But he was extremely insecure about himself, and felt like I was out of his league. Looking back, I was out of his league, but I loved him and wasn't interested in someone more attractive. Hell, I turned down many very handsome men when I was with him.

I later found out, via a Facebook message from another girl's boyfriend, that he was cheating on me. My boyfriend and his girlfriend were having an affair.

My (ex) boyfriend eventually admitted that he had been actively looking for hookups after less than a year into our relationship - so he had basically been cheating on me for six months before I found out and broke it off. It's pretty disgusting to think about.

I told him that it's because he's insecure and paranoid that I was going jump ship once another attractive man hit on me. He felt insecure in our relationship. I told him this, and he agreed that it must be why he felt this need to cheat, even though he loved me.

Many people are worried that dating someone very attractive means they will eventually cheat because they have options, but I think that attractive people are more confident and probably KNOW they have options, but they don't need to validate themselves.

I'm not this crazy confident person, but I'm not insecure; I guess I'm just self-aware - like, I know I'm not the hottest woman on the planet, but I think I'm above average haha

I've never need attention from any man outside of my SO. I don't care about getting attention because I don't need someone to validate whether or not I'm attractive. I get hit on at bars, at the mall, etc, and that's fine and dandy, but I sure as hell would never cheat or put myself in a situation where cheating is more likely to happen (i. e. getting wasted with a guy friend). Unless you're Chris Hemsworth, then we should talk.

If you love yourself, then you'll find it's easy to love another without straying.

[Anonymous]

In my case confusion

Imagine a dysfunctional relationship where someone keeps dumping you everytime you express to them they hurt you.
Then they come back saying they dont like conflict.
Someone notices you're unhappy and you confide in them about relationship issues.
That person sees that as an opportunity and tries to get u to be with them
Then ur torn because u love ur spouse but this person telling u everything u want to hear.
U dont want to break up u want to stay but they keep treating u poorly.
U dnt have feelings for the "friend" but they play on your vulnerability
Before you know it you are too deep spending too much time talking to the "friend" and now feel guilty to cut it off because they were there for u
When u try to enforce boundaries they push even harder for a relationship throwing in ur face how unhappy u r

This is the closest i have ever been.
I cut off the friend because at some point the disrespect and pressure will cause u to give in.
But i didn't love the other person. I knew it wld b for the wrong reasons.
I had issues in my relationship i needed to concentrate on which was making me feel unloved and someone will try to exploit them if you let them

It helped me to never take a spouse for granted.
Because some vultures are always standing by waiting for u to f*ck up so they can steal them away.

Take out the time to work it out if someone is begging u to. Stop walking around angry and spiteful. Stop punishing your mate.
Because they r only human.

And someone else will take out the time to prove they value what you dont.

As for people who r just unfaithful i dont know why.
But in my case i was trying and it wasn't working. And someone else tried to play on that
But in the end i didn't go for it because i felt manipulated and pressured. But no one can exploit issues in a relationship if those issues were being worked on by both parties

Hope i made sense. Mayb its horsesh*t who knows
This is just my experience

[Anonymous]

because it's easier to act immaturely and be with whomever you like. i prefer thinking of it as sitting on two (or more) chairs - you have somebody who is safe, there for you, loves you and you have exciting sexual affairs. in other words this is pussy behaviour for me. i don't have problems with people being straight and honest with each other like - "i just want sex" and do it with as many people as they want, but cheating is disrespectful towards your SO and shows me that person has no balls (no matter if it's a guy or girl).

[SovereignessofVamps]

Either they're financially dependent on their SO, or they are too attached emotionally I guess.

[pnl86]

The responses from some of the girls are hilarious.

"Because sometimes is just easier to be an asshole jerk than to do the right thing and be a real man.. blah blah blah.. roar.. men suck.. blah blah"

I've never cheated, although I've been cheated on (just once, as far as I know, anyway). Personally, I really don't care, as long as my partner doesn't introduce some STD into our bedroom, and as long as my partner is still emotionally loyal to me at the end of the day. What's the difference between her using her vibrator, versus her own hand, versus some random guy she finds attractive and who can make her feel wanted and lusted for, and excited, and experience something "new" with.. and then get it out of her system and get on with life? I mean, "other than" a guy's own insecurity, what's the issue? There is no other issue.

Now, I also know plenty of guys who are pretty open about the fact that they cheat on their wife or girlfriend. From my experience, the reason they do it is "fantasy." I don't mean they fantasize about "another woman." No.

These guys have a fantasy that women can just turn their irrationality and emotions off, and have the kind of cold dispassionate logic of an assassin or tax court judge. Those are some pretty high expectations to have of your female partner, first of all. After assuming the foregoing about their female partner (hereinafter referred to as the "Main Bitch"), they form the utopian idealized fantasy belief of, "Oh, well, why ruin the great non-sexual relationship we have together, just because she doesn't satisfy me sexually? I mean, I still love her, but I don't have to stay sexually miserable. I can still love her and we can have a great relationship, and I can find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. I'm not hurting anyone. It's perfectly rational and reasonable, and I consider her to be equivalent to a man and respect her as an equal, so therefore, I assume she can think as cold and dispassionately about this as I do."

So, under this fantasy, he can love and support and express his love to his Main Bitch.. and basically just dally with the Side Bitch here and there.. everyone is happy in this picture (except the Side Bitch).

Unfortunately, that's a very high bar to set for most (nearly all) female partners. As open-minded and liberal as people think they are, when test issues like this come up, the really put into perspective just how "open" or "liberal" one's mind really is.

[SoFeckinAddicted]

Lmfao what a load a bullshit. This screams insecurity

[pnl86]

@SoFeckinAddicted.. oh no.. a girl categorized the internal thoughts of men as "a load of bullshit" and as screaming insecurity.. it must therefore be true.. quick.. let us not cheat so we can prove that we're not insecure.. O. o

like I said.. the responses and rage from the girls is entertaining

[darkfoxjj]

You are talking about an open-relationship. Yes perhaps open-relationships are better, I don't know. But this is not the question being asked.

They are talking about cheating here, which implies the cheater is breaking the relationships rules.
Which in turn means you cannot trust your SO. In an extreme situation if she gets pregnant, how would you be able to trust it is yours? Or if it's a guy how would you know he doesn't have a kid somewhere else?

[SoFeckinAddicted]

@darkfoxjj you can tell from his response to me that he has the brain capacity of a Down syndrome child. So you should probably not bother. You would expect a 29 year old to know the definition of cheating.

[pnl86]

@darkfoxjj fair enough.. the same is true of what you call "open" relationships.. it's the fact that one person breaks the "agreement/rules" as you said that puts a strain on trust. If everyone is going to discuss and analyze a topic, then at least go a little deep. Don't just stop at the surface level and settle for the general and vague. "Why" are people so hurt when their SO has sex with someone else? Is it the fact that "he/she had sex with someone else," or "the fact that he/she broke their agreement, and did so without everyone's consent?" Go a step further, "why" is there a prohibition or restriction on whether someone's wife or husband can have sex with others? What is motivating the desire for that restriction to be in place (on both ends). Is it a sense of identity, ego, insecurity? What is it? If we're not going to try and really understand, then what's the point of asking questions and talking about it? Let's just invent reasons to reinforce the result we want.

[pnl86]

@darkfoxjj as far as the "extreme" example.. let's back up just one step.. a hetero couple either has an issue or has no issue with everyone being free to do what they feel like (subject only to some reasonable restrictions, like not bringing STDs home, not catching feelings for other people, etc.). If the female in this picture/hypothetical is having sex with other guys.. either with the consent of her SO, or without, then that risk is there. Which really means.. since there is always the risk that she's having sex "without" his knowledge or consent.. that risk is ALWAYS there.

That's where family law springs up and has a few things to say about the matter: (a) marital presumption, (b) filiation proceedings, and (c) paternal estoppel.

[pnl86]

@darkfoxjj the marital presumption says, "A child born into the marriage is presumed to be of the marriage." In other words, if it came out of the wife's vagina, we "presume" the sperm came from the husband. Now, this presumption can be overcome if the husband establishes that the child is NOT HIS. The burden is on the HUSBAND to do so, and in many states, he must act quickly, sometimes in as little as 60 days (or else both the presumption and paternal estoppel begin to apply and close the door).

Filiation proceedings (i. e., establishing paternity) now involve a simple DNA test. The problem arises in cases where the "other man" is a relative, which renders the DNA test useless.

Paternal estoppel, as a doctrine, holds that when a person (biological parent or not) is so involved in a child's life, it would cause such harm to the child to allow such person to not be "obligated" to take care of the child "as if" he or she was that child's "parent."

[pnl86]

@darkfoxjj you asked and raised a very good question in your "extreme" test cases.. yet, what they really highlight are the limitations of "agreements" or "rules." Is the man or woman going to go to court and sue their SO for "cheating"? What are the damages? And if there's no remedy that society is willing to recognize and award, then what value (if any) is there in relying upon such "agreement" or "rules"?

It sort of reminds me when my father whispered to me, "I can't believe you let your wife go to Nevada with her boss all alone." It's like, dude, she's her own person. She's not property. She can do whatever the fuck she wants. I have zero authority to tell anyone what he/she can and cannot do with their genitals or body. ZERO AUTHORITY.

[pnl86]

@darkfoxjj the kind of attitude and nerve it takes for anyone to insist or demand or expect that someone else limit their activities.. "simply because I want them to," or because "it would really hurt my feelings." People are free to do whatever they want to do. Yet, therein lies the basis and foundation of "trust."

You can always "trust" that people will do whatever the fuck they feel like doing. From there on, the only real security and sense of control and power you have over your partner is in having the sense of security that he or she will "want" (voluntarily, on their own, without any pressure, manipulation, badgering, threats, etc. on your part) YOU.. and.. not really feel like having sex with other people.

It's like that saying, if you love something, set it free.. if it comes back, it was meant to be. A bird in a cage is a pet. A hawk on your shoulder is a companion. That's a difference that makes a difference.

[darkfoxjj]

Agree with what you said!

[LethalTactics]

It gets boring persay. Look at it this way. Have you ever heard someone say "if you aren't giving them sex or attention then someone else will"? They don't breakup with you cause they still need you. Whether it be for money or any other reason.

[Girlanony]

Fear? I'll say fear. I wouldn't do it... I mean, ever!, sometimes my nightmares are about me cheating and I wake up crying... my parents were in a relationship where cheating was also involved, so yes, I think they don't break up because of fear; fear of what people would say, fear of what would they do by themselves, fear of loosing all the years they've been together, fear of ending up alone, fear they're making a mistake and they might regret later, fear of loosing they children's love and respect, and the list goes on...

[Girlanony]

loosing their*

[IceCubedude]

cheating is wrong but i assume its one of the following :

1- they are with their partner for the fun of it and no emotional attachement and in their head it was never a full on relationship so it is cheating but at the same time its not.

2- they find someone really attractive and can't resist it (they have a crush on that person) and have no self control , so yeah...

3- they'r simply promiscious and will sleep with lots of people, usually their partner knows but feels they can't get anyone better so sticking to their current lover sounds like the better option.

4- they want a way out but the other person keeps forcing them to stay in the relationship so they fk their way out.

[DaisyLovesDaisies]

it's very simple. They're in a relationship for security, convenience, some other benefits. Does that mean they get all they need and want? Not at all. Whatever they're missing they will look for outside of their primary relationship.
I knew a guy once who was with his girlfriend because his family expected him to but it was not the relationship he had in mind. Hell, he even went to therapy with her. At some point started cheating on her and everyone was happy. His family and him. I don't know if his girl ever found out.

[NyomiMcClinton]

People cheat for different reasons. I think a lot of men do it because of the thought of being with someone else knew other than the person they are with. Thats why Im skeptical to get bck in the dating game because the fact remains that a lot of men have a hard time remaining faithful. Worst feeling is beinf cheated on. Its not a good feeling

[skeptic002]

it is the worst feeling

[mooky06]

I think it's either
1. Cheating and hoping to get away with it. They may actually want to be with their partner but want to have a side person (I'm unsure why though)
2. They want to hurt the person they were with

I think cheating overall is just wrong in so many ways

[CastariaSky]

Because they've tried breaking up but, they're partner won't allow it without just cause. I've been in this situation before. I've tried to break up and he refused, constantly blowing up my phone and making promises of changing. I suggested a break and began talking with other guys. He saw this as cheating and after several more months of fights, I finally wore him down enough for him to accept the final break up.

[St1c3]

The partner doesn't have to agree...

[Ripper_E]

cheating doesn't mean you want to break up. Cheating doesn't mean you're not happy. It doesn't mean you don't love that person.

People cheat for a multitude of reasons but it's not as simple as putting any reason on it. Don't get me wrong, I do no condone cheating whatsoever, but if a person wants to break up, they'll break up. Maybe not right away, but they will.

[cinderelli]

because they're selfish jerks.. who want to keep both options open... or sometimes they're stupid and do stupid things.. whatever the reason is.. people should learn to break up if something isn't working out.. instead of hurting someone who cared about them

[Relentless_Hippie]

Because they're scum bags, cowards, losers, selfish, assholes. Any other questions?

[NerdKing16]

Because people are too weak to let go of their consistent thing for the risk of being alone but have the opportunity in front of them that they can't say no to. I personally don't get it, but I know a lot of people who've cheated and that seems to be the reason most of the time.

[Millsybaby]

I think some people are not suited to monogamy - so then they should not seek a monogamous exclusive relationship, but should seek one with someone like them who can operate within the same boundaries, or lack thereof, as them. Reality is, most people are not honest with themselves or see it as socially unacceptable to be open about it, so they pretend they want a monogamous relationship and get with someone who does actually want that, and then cheat on them and hurt them etc.

[Nyema]

Really like your comment

[darkfoxjj]

I have heard it is the cheating itself that makes it thrilling.

It is about the thrill of doing something "bad". If they were to leave the relationship and date the other person straight out, it would lose the thrill quickly.

[AngelDenna]

i don't know i want to know the answer to that to because if you chose to be with the girl or guy that you are with and you cheat on them then you apparently not ready for a committed relationship

[HOAAH]

My sister in law once told me that they probably don't love each other anymore but don't want to break it off because they are living with each other.

[Anonymous]

They're looking for something they feel is missing from their relationship. Could be emotional/physical intimacy, feel the grass is greener, abuse, not ready for the relationship/don't want to be in the relationship etc

[genericname85]

most people i´ve come in contact with, will go look for alternatives, before they dump what they had...

[LoveHolyGod]

Grass is greener? It is sad, either a relationship before marriage should be worked on or left.

[SweetHomicidalQueen]

The feeling of having more than 1, the attnetion I don't know

[BubbleBoy69]

Because they don't want to lose the benefits of being with that person.

[SarahsSummer]

Insecurity, indecisiveness, selfishness and/or spite.

[NexAngelus]

maybe they only need a snack and dont actually want to break up? think of that?

[lastsentinel]

Sounds like something concerned with indecisiveness.

[Zippitywhoopwhoop]

Many people can not control their urges and just go with the here and now and do not think about others.

[WhereAmI]

Not that I do it, but it's easier being seen as an asshole rather than have the person your dating thinking something is wrong with them when you try to break it off cleanly.

[Anonymous]

They cheat because they like the person they're in a relationship but want to have fun? Doesn't really make sense to me but that's what a cheater once told me.

[Winter_Storm_Guy]

I agree if a girl doesn't love me i wish she would just break it off with me instead of going out and cheating on me.

[JustinTheGreat]

They might still have feelings for their SO and feel they can get away with cheating

[mostwomenshouldstfu]

Security. And by default, makes them insecure. People want the rewards of risky behavior without the risk. This should be common sense to you.

[Vivaldi]

I wouldn't be ab le to cheat cuz I would never have a girlfriend. We can't even find one girl but some find more than one. How? Are they too handsome or what?

[Scrambledagain]

My question is why do people still believe in the archaic notion of monogamy only?

[OlderAndWiser]

I attribute it to laziness!

[Anonymous]

Because they weren't able to find a cuck first or don't want to admit that they aren't the type of person that can stay exclusive to one person.

[Goldie757]

They want to have their cake and eat it too.

[red324]

Either that or they just haven't decided what to do yet because they still have feelings for the other person. It's ridiculous.

[HerondaleLover88]

Because their decision making skills suck.

[Anonymous]

Because they want their cake and eat it too.

[CisScum]

Some people are cowards

[Saoirse_Nua]

Very good question - I think it is cowards way out

[Aeliuz]

They want to eat the cake, and have it too.

[Anonymous]

Too many benefits to break up from the person.

[Secretprofile]

they are pervent and bitch

[chrisbigman]

Because they are selfish assholes.

[Ayra_Frey]

Because they're pussies

[_HimigNgKalayaan_]

They prolly want both of them. Gain not lose

[Anonymous]

its a bit more fun that way

[DanoM1]

I'm sure it would be fun if it happened to you lol

[Opinion Owner]

@DanoM1 ahh it doesn't happen to me because i choose wisely

[Anonymous]

Good question, I have no idea

[Sara413]

I have no idea...

[Anonymous]

They're cowardly despicable people

[LoloWaye]

They're cowards.

[Vivaldi]

And you are a cowgirl.

[thecalmerface]

there's nothing wrong with cheating.

[Anonymous]

No one WANTS to be alone

[Gommers]

Cowardice

[WhaChaChaKing]

They want both.

[GarySummer]

Greed