Would you be happy in a long term relationship without sex?

[MenAreMysterious]

I'm interested in how many of you (men or women) would be happy in a long term relationship that doesn't include sex of any kind: hand jobs, blow jobs, penetrative, etc.. I'm asexual and I often find myself thinking I may end up alone forever because I know not many people would be happy in that kind of relationship for very long. I still like hugs and things I'm just not interested in any sexual activity. It's hard to find people who would be happy in that kind of relationship and I was wondering how many of you would at least give it a go, in theory? And it's very important to me that you would be happy with this kind of relationship, not just willing. I would hate to think I'm tying someone down to something they were doing just because I asked and it was making them unhappy. I would also like to make clear I'm not talking about a relationship that's only a few months long. I understand if you find in the end it wouldn't work for you but I would like people to consider the situation in a matter of months to years rather than weeks to months.

I WOULD be happy in a long term relationship without sex

I WOULD NOT be happy in a longterm relationship without sex

[freakyzeaky]

I know I couldn't. Sex is one of the five love languages and for many men it is one of the most important ones. Sex isn't just about pleasure, it is also a way to connect. Not to mention that the vast majority men have a very strong biological urge for sex.

I could be close friends with a girl without sex (of course), but a long-term relationship? No, I can picture myself being miserable knowing that I care for her and love her so deeply but will never be able to express myself sexually with her or feel her desire for me and the ecstasy she craves from me.

Sorry if that fed into your fears, but understanding why men find a connection through sex can help come to terms with it. Maybe go to a doctor and find out if you have HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder). There are treatments for it. It may help you to at least have enough of a sex drive to connect to a low sex drive man, otherwise, I would consider asexual men. A bit of a forewarning though, asexual men may have lower testosterone and have other personal issues that may not be compatible with you. As always, it depends on the person.

www.healthywomen.org/.../

[MenAreMysterious]

Ta mate, but I can assure you and the rest of the world it is not a medical, hormonal, or psychological issue. It is a sexuality. People used to think gay people were sick and they were wrong. I am not sick.

Plus before you make a comment like this you should make an attempt to understand the thing you're about to pass judgement on. Sexuality has no bearing at all on sex drive. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to others. Some asexuals have very high sex drives and some even engage in huge amounts of sex. They simply don't feel sexual attraction to the people they sleep with.

Frankly you don't even seem to have reviewed the page you linked to as part of the diagnostic criteria is that this lack of sexual desire, which as I've pointed out isn't always there, causes 'marked distress'. It's a sexual preference. It's not something we go home and cry over and spend our lives pining over a sexual desire that some of us may have and others may not. And may not even want.

[freakyzeaky]

Fair enough. The question though is "would you be happy in a long term relationship without sex". I'm guessing the vast majority of women who don't have sex with their partners, shy away from it, or "withhold it", are not because they are asexual, but because they have low libido or low sex drive.

Thanks for clearing up the differences between being asexual and sex drive. I still have a feeling that the two could be related though. People's sexuality isn't a constant; studies have shown that often times people shift their sexual preferences multiple times to varying degrees throughout their entire lives. In that regard, a woman does not feel attraction to anyone may really just have hormone imbalances or an extremely low libido and go about her life blissfully without even thinking about the reasons why she is isn't attracted sexually. It becomes a "it is what it is" situation because they know no different.

[freakyzeaky]

You also said "I'm just not interested in any sexual activity", so while you are probably right about some asexual women having high sex drive and find other ways to satisfy that drive like masturbation, I wasn't particularly speaking on those outliers because of the way the question was posed and because of your own story.

So "would you be happy in a long-term relationship without sex." No, no I wouldn't, and I think that is going to be the part of the course for most people. Sexual compatibility, while many people don't think about it if they are head over heels in love, is one of the things that ensures a relationship lasts.

[MenAreMysterious]

You say that sex drive and sexuality could be related. I maintain they are not. As you point out people's sexuality may change throughout their lives, but so too may people's sex drives. They may fluxuate up and down for their entire lives. Are you sugguesting that any time someone's sex drive dips below a socially acceptable level they suddenly have a hormonal issue?

[MenAreMysterious]

Again, you miss the point. So what if it's an 'it is what it is situation'? The page you linked to, as I previously pointed out, clearly states that as part of the diagnostic criteria the individual must display 'marked distress' about their lack of a sex drive.

If they know no different it doesn't sound like they are left bereft without a sex drive. Are you really suggest you would force it down their throat just because you think their way of living, which they may be perfectly happy with, is wrong or strange?

As you say, this was they way I posed the question. I included information relevant to the question at hand. And the question at hand concerned the relationship I may have with a partner. I made no comment on my personal sex drive and nor will I. It's no one's business but my own.

[freakyzeaky]

Where did I suggest forcing anyone to do anything?

Please check yourself. You seem to be harboring some sort of anger here. I can empathize not being understood for your sexuality and how that can be frustrating, but I did not intend to confuse the issue.

Reread what I wrote. I merely offered the idea that there are ways to boost libido for women who have low sexual interest. You clarified what asexual means and I appreciate that. I don't appreciate the apprehension though.

All I am saying is that it isn't normal to not have any sexual attraction to either biological gender and that I am proposing that having a very low sex drive could be the culprit in some of these cases, and that a woman can go their entire lives thinking they aren't sexually attracted and could actually just have low libido, hormone imbalance, biological impairment, whatever. Nowhere in your original post did you state that you have a high sex drive despite being asexual.

[freakyzeaky]

I would suggest anyone to visit their doctor to find answers, especially if a person is willing to check to see if there is something biologically off that can be improved through medication if that means they can have a normal relationship with a person who is sexual. What can it hurt?

I'm not trying to convince you of anything. I don't even know you. I'm just discussing the possibilities. What if you did go to the doctor, did some blood work and some other tests and found you have hormonal deficiencies and some undiagnosed condition that caused you to become asexual? Of course, the choice would be yours to decide whether you'd be willing to change that aspect. In this case, if you'd rather not make changes for a prospective mate, then that is up to you. I am just saying it is very rare for men (or women) to not have some sort of sexual drive and attraction to some gender, whatever that is defined as.

[freakyzeaky]

So if you want to be hard lined, believe that is nothing physically wrong with you, and you just do not have the mental attraction/genological/biological attraction to any gender, then that is fine. Find an asexual guy or girl to form a loving close bond with. Many platonic friendships can be very loving and close without any sex. In fact, that is what a platonic friendship is. However, it is going to be difficult to find a man or woman who does not have the biological need for sex with another person or the desire to create a family of their own. I empathize with that challenge. Dating is rough for everyone.

This topic kind of reminds me of transgender people lamenting the fact that people don't want to date someone who is not originally the gender of attraction. It must be tough, and I wish them love and happiness (as I do you), but they are the norm and people who are outside the norm no matter who they are -- socially anxious, handicapped, asexual -- can have a rough go.

[SaintRichie23]

I have no idea. I have never been in a relationship that lasted longer than two months, and I have never had sex, but I have rejected every opportunity to have sex. It just doesn't get me into the mood.

I don't think I'm asexual, though, cause I still get turned on by the thought of being with girls. Just when it happens, its disappointing I guess is the word.

I don't have a clue what I am, but I do find that I tend to me more stress-free and happy when I'm alone than when I'm in a relationship.

[BrittBratt2416]

If I'm waiting to marry the person then I have no problems with that and can definitely wait, but if its after marriage and we're not having sex then I can see that as problem brewing in the relationship. I do want kids and the best and free way to do that is by having sex and if he doesn't want to engage in that, then the relationship is going to be hard or impossible to handle. But of course I would also want it even if we're not making kids cause it's what keeps the flame going between a couple, it's romantic and makes the bond stronger. So I would definitely try to find that out before jumping into the relationship with him so we avoid the issue before it even happens cause when I get married I don't plan on divorcing. I;m going to make sure we are both on the same page before we even say I do.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't be in a relationship without sex. I have a high sex drive and even a week without drives me crazy and makes functioning in daily life more challenging. I can't imagine this forever.

People's sex drives are different tho, and there surely are guys that are not that interested in sex too. Don't give up on finding someone, there will be someone out there for you!

[Anonymous]

I would still be happy, as long as I'm in love with him then that's all that matters. But at the same time I would still want sex. My boyfriend and I are sexually on the same page so it makes life easier when it comes down the sex. But I would still be good without sex.

[Gypsy_x]

Sex is an important way of maintaining intimacy for me, so no I wouldn't.

Wouldn't it be easiest dating another asexual person?

[MenAreMysterious]

I would prefer to but it's hard to find others. It's estimated we make up 1-3% of the population but when you take into account all the people who are taken or who aren't out or available you're left with very few people and there's no real way of 'tracking them down'. It's not like I can just go on a Tinder binge for them, is it?

[Gypsy_x]

No shit, when I typed that I was wondering if there was some kind of dating service for asexuals haha

[MenAreMysterious]

There are, but they aren't widely used. There's a website but it charges so no one uses it. There's AVEN but a lot of asexuals don't use it because they find the forum set up annoying, which I tend to agree with, and there's an app but that's only launched a few months ago and so at the moment is only available on Android and is still very much in a beta phase. So no. There isn't really anywhere.

[Gypsy_x]

It must be really hard :/

[MenAreMysterious]

You have no idea

[MrOracle]

I have ZERO interest in a sexless romantic relationship, and would not be in one for very long. It's far too important to me for a number of reasons.

I have a number of other deal-breakers: I don't do "long distance" relationships, for example. The point of a relationship is to SPEND TIME TOGETHER and enjoy each other's company.

You'll find that, for most people, sex is a vital component to a romantic relationship. Some COULD live without it - but many would be miserable and would have to constantly fight an internal battle to stay, which means even if they DID actually stay, they'd be miserable. Myself, being miserable is a dealbreaker, and I'd rather be alone than stay in a relationship that made me miserable.

[notallthere98]

Oh I know how you feel. I'm ace too and I often worry no one will ever be truly happy with me because I'm not willing to have sex.

[MenAreMysterious]

Exactly. And I'm sure you can testify to other people here just how hard it is to find other asexuals let alone use some kind of dating website/app to connect with them.

[notallthere98]

Totally. I've only ever met one other asexual in person. I've checked a few ace specific dating sites, but they are so restrictive and poorly set up I didn't bother signing up

[mrcurious2017]

Have a look at this link:
www.healthywomen.org/.../10191

[LeeKenz]

There's always more to a relationship than just sex. It's about the conversations, the talks till four in the morning. Just getting to know the person. However, there's always sexting and phone sex.

[dogbert444]

Sex is a demonstration of real love. Without sex, any relationship is not much more than a close friendship. There is nothing to give that physical, emotional and psychological release that is essential in a happy relationship.

[MissMonstaz]

I personally don't think I would be happy in a long term relationship without sex. Cause sex is an intimate act you do with a partner. It brings you even closer to the person.

[Anonymous]

I like how all the men wouldn't be happy without sex lmao

[BritishGeisha]

I don't know much about asexuality, but could you find another asexual person?

[BritishGeisha]

"Oopes, posted to soon"
I know you said it's hard to find other asexual people, but if you did would you be happy together?
I know there's a couple of different sexualities which involve no sex, maybe if you researched it more and found out if you would be compatible with them, maybe you could find different types of dating sites.

[MenAreMysterious]

I would be happiest in a relationship with another asexual! With someone who experiences sexual attraction I always worry that I'm holding them back and that I'm not enough for them. I would love to live without that worry.

But honestly I've tried all the 'asexual' or similar dating services and none of them have enough of a user base to find anyone. There are just so few of us and that's made even more difficult when you think of the percentage of people who sign up for dating websites. Take a small number and make it even smaller? It seems unlikely I'll meet anyone if I'm ONLY looking at dating asexuals.

[helterskeltermac]

I tried long distance, wasn't my thing. I know a lot of successful relationships that come out of long distance though.

[Alessus]

I don't think I would be. I think physical closeness and sexual intimacy are things that I want to have as a part of a relationship.

[Berethor]

A relationship without sex is quite pointless, and most asexuals have sex in a relationship.

[luvstoned4him]

Yes as long as eventually we do get MARRIED and have it.

[samhradh_leannan]

I think I could be happy, but definitely not AS happy as a relationship with sex.

[klyuh]

I don't think I would be, because physical intimacy is something I value.

[momo770]

God no, sex is one of those things that has to happen several times a day including pegging.

[kenjaminSlutton716]

No I wouldn't find someone a sexual don't ruin someone else's life just cause your wired differently

[MenAreMysterious]

What a sensitive way of wording it.

[kenjaminSlutton716]

There is no way or point 2 find a guy who is A sexual or a Christian virgin waiting for marriage cause just being real and telling you no guy is gonna go fir that any normal one anyway unless your cool with an open relationship

[MenAreMysterious]

While they are difficult to find it's simply not true there are none. And I already stated I was looking for girls or guys. There are plenty of other asexuals around, they're just difficult to find.

[kenjaminSlutton716]

Thnx you gave me an idea

[MenAreMysterious]

I'm almost afraid to ask what that idea is

[kenjaminSlutton716]

Not telling can steal it and profit off it

[MenAreMysterious]

If it's an asexual dating site or app you're too late; they've been done.

[kenjaminSlutton716]

No not that bigger

[MenAreMysterious]

I inspired the idea and you're seriously not telling? Why would I steal it? I'm too lazy for that.

[kenjaminSlutton716]

I don't give a fuck lol I don't know you so I don't trust you has nothing to do with A sexual people anyway that's such a small percentage an app wouldn't even make any money it's something else

[aapunpred]

Nope, would think twice about leaving a sexless relationship

[mithram]

if i want a sex free rell, I'll date women, it's easier to live with i guess

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Sorry. I couldn't do it. I will desire the vagina too much.

[DrTruth]

Would you be happy buying the car of your dreams and never being able to drive it? I know I wouldn't.

[MenAreMysterious]

Again, like some of the other commenters, your level of sensitivity is stunning. I'm a human and have emotions. Unlike a fucking car.

[DrTruth]

You are right. Unlike the car, it will turn on when I want it to. LOL! Do yourself a favor. Be alone and get a cat, or find an asexual guy that hates sex. I'm guessing the pool of men is 1% or less of heterosexual men. Might be lucky.

[MenAreMysterious]

Honey, me not being turned on by you isn't an asexual thing; it's a human thing. Maybe you have this weird obsession for cars because you can actually get them turned on? A huge achievement for you, I'm sure, as it seems with your attitude it's most likely something you've so far failed to do in any other non-automobile relationships you've had.

Saying that, there is one similarity between cars and people. Neither of them want your dick. Again, not even slightly to do with being asexual.

[DrTruth]

Why would I want to drive a car that doesn't work? As a man with means, I can drive any WORKING car I want. *wink wink* And I've driven foreign and domestic. Domestic cars give the most BANG for the buck. :D

[Unit1]

Brilliant point @DrTruth
Fantastically put 👐👏👐👏👐👏