I'm the definition of being affectionate. 😂 I'm touchy-feely in general, but when it comes to my boyfriend that's a whole new level! One time (after him being away for more than a month) when we met I was so happy to see him that I jumped in his neck in the middle of the street.
I have never felt comfortable with compliments and too much affection feels suffocating to me. I like to feel wanted but not to the point where I have no space.
I wholeheartedly enjoy her compliments, but I also have to feel I've "earned them", and obviously I enjoy compliment her as well. There was this weird thing in the first months of our relationship where she'd shower me with compliments but act bashful and put herself down if I complimented her back, but got upset if I did the same.
Now we have an healthy balance of giving and taking compliments.
It was really hard to accept compliments initially for me too. Almost painful in a way, to know that someone could feel that way about me. Like cleaning a wound type of thing.
I'm so glad to hear that she is accepting of them!
Exactly. She flat out admitted to me that at first she thought that while my compliments were sincere, they were more "out of courtesy" than anything else, it took her a while to rebuild her self esteem.
Maybe it is the sorts of women I get involved with, but overwhelmingly they are not affectionate nor complimentary. It catches me completely off guard when they briefly are either or both. It's kind of one of those, "What are you doing/saying?" moments for me where you just smile at them and carry one because I'll be damned if I know how else to respond.
Would I want more? I frankly do not know what I am missing to know what I am missing. I didn't have a warm fuzzies sort of mother either so I truly am oblivious in this area to even begin to know the difference.
A fascinatimg bit of validition in terms of how attraction works... yoi answered it all on teo paragraphs. Your mom wasn't... watm and fuzzy affectionate. Mom os a mjor model for a boy in programming yoi emotionally... so that is eho you pick sub consciously... girls w attributes like your mom. Heal the inner emotions and the lies they speak to you... attraction draws diff people. Its possible you dont hear the complements they give.
This was a brief consideration at one time, but the women I date, aside from this area are nothing like my mother. In this regard of the women being as they are, or my mother for that matter, probably has way more to do with me and for, sure, potentially outside reasons. Which by contrast is bizarre for observers because I am seen as rather gregarious/easily approachable and even easy to talk with individual who draws in women wth ease. I just don't allow anyone, 'in', easily. Which I know has zero to do with my mother's attention to affection towards me as a child. I digress, but there are some negatives to being both precocious and self aware as early as 2 years of age. I have seen 'love' move mountains. Equally, I have seen love mistaken for what really is self gratification so shortcuts are taken to effect a selfish outcome under the guise of "love". So, I get a distinct sense that my lack of "emotional accessibility" is often mistake as being emotionally detached or frosty when really the reality is, that 'their' words and actions are not lining up and I am seeing this, thus keeping me from, "letting them in". I pay attention. Especially to women's actions. ... and too often those very actions leave me feeling quite disinterested. Especially when their words fail to correlate with their actions.
I realize this is not exclusive to women, but such behavior continues to make me inaccessible. Which again, has zero to do with my upbringing.
Maybe i missed it but how do u conclude it has zero to do w upbringing? Upbronging... emotional experiences early in life are very influential in... trust... love.. security... etc...
Because although my mother isn't the warm fuzzy sort, I never questioned whether she loves or cares about me. I have seen her advocate for me as a child as well as be fiercely protective when I was a wee lad. So my belief is unwavering because of her 'actions' in this regard. Equally, even her kind gestures she has always had. She just wasn't the touchy feely sort is all. So no, nothing to do with her. I trust her implicitly still today as well as my father - they are both still together.
I simply never doubted my parent's love and concern for my wellness growing up. I trusted them, and they trusted me which allowed me a great level of autonomy and responsibility very early on. Which I can earnestly say has contributed to my strong sense of self. I clearly do not lack in self confidence nor in my form of leadership as a result. Which mind you, both Patton and Mattis alike, will tell you requires, "affection". I know what affection is. I also know the difference between just talk and actions. Action is character. F. Scott Fitzgerald, coined this long ago.
Final thought... I feel people too often confuse "touch" to be exclusively "affection". Touch is a very powerful thing and yes, it 'convey' affection. However, touch is not exclusively affection. Affection embodies so much more than just touch.
Well, you make good points. But, do you not see the influence of your parents/mom? In simple terms, your definition of "normal" is what was modeled to you. that is... love via... however you experienced it... service? But not so much via touch, so your "love language" as such doesn't have much definition and example around touch. But you may want touch. My father didn't touch me other than a few times, but I'm touch oriented.. my mom did, maybe I this is why I crave it.
I agree affection is more than touch, it's an outwards gesture emotionally towards another in terms of emotional engagement, tuning in, care, concern, etc..
The other thing is that it takes two and it is an emotional thing to reach out to another. For that to occur, one person has to feel good approaching the other and feel welcome. You may not be projecting that so the women aren't responding. In a sense, someone has to lead and the other open to receive. If you aren't leading, if you aren't projecting "I like touch", then it doesn't happen. It isn't fair to say the women aren't. This again, to me, would be rooted in the lack of that being shown by your mom, so it isn't emotionally instilled within you. But, it certainly may be there as part of who you are as a person, just bottled up until you are set free and then you engaged differently and the women engage differently. Relationships are a dance, are they not? For me, a lot of this started to materialize as I turned Christian (start), took many years, then healed emotionally. People read energy and respond in kind and it isn't creepy when it is done in a giving way.
My parents raised two sons. We are 180° of one another. If it is my "parents", theoretically we should be far more alike. Which we are not. He's the 'gentle' and easily stressed one whereas I move forward with intensity and a bizarrely calm focus. A stark contrast to my gentle brother.
Perhaps women mirror my 'affection', but this begs a different consideration of those I become involved with... "why do they not equally mirror my other attributes?" I understand what you are getting at but it would be reasonable to believe that this would not be exclusive to, "touch", right? Regardless, I 'draw in' women' most other men would be satisfied being close enough to catch a faint hint of their perfume of.
Look, I have seen slobs attract the proverbial "10" and men who to look at them you would think they would, yet barely possess the confidence to talk to their friend's dorky baby sister.
Beats me. Regardless as between you, me, and the audience of readers here, I am indifferent.
And with you as well, He is! Often kids seem to be opposites in personality, I guess nature diversifying the family. Personality + experience + family. Why anxiety though? There are tools to diagnose family stuff if it's something you want to work on and dig more. All this stuff is sub conscious. You are attracting "10's" but they aren't affectionate? I've never heard of that. I have women come up and hug me, touch on shoulder. Not always, sometimes I lead, but most accept. Christ will do the work needed. If anything you get out of this, do something different and see what results you get:)
I do not remotely have anxiety. Not in the least. I have no stress. My brother gets stressed. Not me. I am calm under fire. Literal two way rifle ranges - I am completely calm. Just focused. Anxiety has never been a thing in my world.
I meant anxiety for your brother, why? He started out with a personality but wasn't born anxious. I'm learning trauma counseling process, that's why I ask questions. We're all works in progress, refinement, trying to understand why we are how we are, understand ourselvses and what is going on and seeking. the answers lie within quite often. If you have the opportunity to talk to parents/mom, can dig as to why she was how she was... helps add context to what you know. Can sometimes find patterns within family history. best wishes!
I doubt he has anxiety either. Stress, yes - he's married and they have a daughter - so all the usual stresses that go along with that. Now, his is a bot of a hypochondriac, which gets him worked up every time he, "self diagnosis" and he is horrible about doing this. So beyond that, unless he were to self diagnose himself as having anxiety and gets himself worked up, no, he doesn't display any pf the signs nor symptoms of anxiety.
No, I wouldn't want thousands of compliments from my guy if I had one because I would think that I'm being groomed in some sort of way. Getting showered with compliments 24/7 is not normal and is unsettling as I've read way too many articles on manipulative tendencies. Even if the compliments were with the best of intentions, I would start taking them seriously after a while due to how much he would do it. Respectively, I would do the same with him. The occasional compliment is endearing and sweet, but as with anything, there is a limit.
Yes and no. Narcissists and sociopaths do tend to do that. They call it love bombing. They cone on real strong.
My current girlfriend is very affectionate. Says lots of sweet things. I can spot a narcissist from a mile away. She ain’t one. Our 2nd date, she paid for dinner. A narcissist ain’t paying for nothing in most cases.
So that is a tactic the manipulative brainwashers of the world use, you’re correct. But in the absence of an inflated ego and sense of self and self importance... it may be the person is just like that.
@Exterminatore Exactly my point, you've gotta know how to tell the difference and luckily, it's quite easy for me. Don't get me wrong I love compliments, but I'm just a naturally skeptical person.
I am as well. It’s good to be skeptical. The best litmus test is to watch their actions. Anyone can say anything, but actions tell the truth about a person.
Yes I love showering with my boyfriend and give him Lots of compliments in the shower lol I also would love him to shower me with lots of compliments in the shower as well... okay that was so stupid hahahaa... u get what I mean...
I give compliments freely and lovingly to my SO, my children, one also has to leanr to receive that kind of love... it’s sad when your partner doesn’t receive loving compliments well, then you wonder... it’s one of the very important ingredients in a loving relationship... imaging being with someon in life and no compliments giving?
I have a lot of deep-seated issues with rejection and abandonment, so any time somebody (especially a girlfriend) compliments me or shows affection I can never get close to enough of it. My last girlfriend was rather shocked to hear that I craved affection much more than sex, while the opposite was true for her.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
Seeing a therapist for ptsd and anxiety. A couple weeks ago we were talking about how to build and keep strong relationships. Turns out that guys in general tend to like being complimented and affirmed. I tend to buy my guy stuff instead of compliments. So she told me I had to replace buying things for him with compliments and affirmations or expressions of appreciation. It’s hard for me to do cuz it feels forced. But I’ve gotta hit 3 Times a day. Lmao. I’m behind...
According to my therapist if you do this as a regular part of your relationship people tend to be more satisfied in their relationship and you see marked improvement in as little as 3 months.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
1. It would definitely be nice to have a girlfriend so I can actually feel things again
2. It would also be exponentially nicer if the girlfriend that I would have in this hypothetical situation would not do that just so that she could abuse me down the road.
But it’s not like that’s gonna happen anytime soon.
My ex wife did. I had a fucked up childhood, so in my head I was ugly as fuck because well I grew up being hated by everyone.
I just couldn’t take a compliment. I didn’t know at the time that my life had given me crazy bad social anxiety. I didn’t believe her when she complimented me.
Turns out I’m not what I think. I’m supposedly very handsome. And I’m still struggling to find out if it’s the truth.
Well... the problem is that I can't vote because none of your options fit. The answer is "yes," and it's neither that I can't get enough or that it's sometimes too much. No vote, sorry.
Only if it's genuine. It's like the 'nice guy' routine - they're nice cuz they want in your panties. If your 'showers' are hollow they don't mean much.
Love/respect/attention are the third thing on the top 3 for men. Do you know what 1 and 2 are?
if i had a girl friend the things, I liked a lot of was hugging kissing an the little fun moments together an i dont mean mainly the intimate 1s but the 1s that were just good times no stress no sexual needs
I am single, but I would love a lot of affection. As long as it is genuine
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
I freaking adore giving everyone cuddles and cheering people up. If I had a boyfriend, cuddle and kisses all the way. I do compliment occasionally, though less so since I worry how they'll take it.
I don’t seek approval, however sometimes it’s nice to hear that my significant other finds me attractive or sexy. As for affection my partner is very affectionate/cuddly, any more would be suffocating.
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