My Boyfriend Calls Me Names (stupid, dumb, retarded, ugly) but Always Says He's Joking. Should I be Concerned?

Question

I've been dating someone (21M) for 2 months (we've known each other for 2 years but have been dating for 2 months) and he always calls me (24F) names like stupid, retard/retarded, dumb, ugly) but says he's joking/kidding every single time. If I make a mistake, he'll laugh and call me stupid, dumb/dummy, or retarded. Or sometimes I'll ask him a question and his answer no matter what the question is, is "because you're ugly" or "because you're dumb/stupid". I'll ask him why he's mean all the time and his response is "[my name] I'm just kidding/joking" or "I'm just joking around" and the way he says it is like it's obvious that he's joking. But it's getting to the point where it doesn't seem like jokes anymore.

On the other hand, he'll compliment me tons, telling me I'm beautiful, gorgeous, cute, adorable, pretty, hot, sexy. I'll send him selfies and he compliments me on all of them. Or when he sees my body, he'll compliment me like crazy.

He also won't add me as a friend on Facebook and hasn't told anyone he knows about him and I.

One other thing that kind of hurt me was one day at work, he and his coworkers were talking about vegans and that they're crazy. I'm vegan and he knows that. He's not vegan though. Instead of defending me or saying something positive about the lifestyle or me (as I'm the only vegan he knows), he said something along the lines of "I know a crazy vegan too".

So I'm unsure about what to do because I have feelings for him but I feel what he has done and is doing when it comes to the insults may be abuse. Should I be concerned? What do I do?

TL;DR: My boyfriend of 2 months frequently insults me but says he's joking every time but on the other hand, he'll give me tons of compliments. I'm unsure of what to do because I have feelings for him but it seems like his constant insulting may be abusive.

Should I be concerned? What do I do?

Kaneki05 · Accepted Answer

Common way to abuse someone make them feel dumb, don't care about how they feel and once they sense you feel that sweeten you back up and repeat.
Until they have got you in a loop and feels more confident that you love him and won't leave and that's when the hitting starts or sometimes it don't but verbal abuse is still abuse.

If i had a girlfriend i would only ever say in a very friendly way you silly one. that's the only word that always comes off nice when said.

Vegans are crazy but i don't get why a guy who thinks the same would get with a vegan lmao.
honestly your better off without him and yeah you may think well we have been together so long guess what that's another reason why you can get trapped in a loop and if your thinking it's be so long he hasn't done anything that hurtful some play the long game remember that. Plus he is still mistreating you now.

And i would defend my girlfriend if i was in situation like that. I would be like i hate vegans too but my girlfriend is the most beautiful exception. And if they said anything bad about her well they would not forget to shut there mouth next time.

Ephermerallhama · Accepted Answer

Well I'm no psychiatrist but he does seem to be a bit bipolar in his interaction with you. Verbal abuse of any sort is completely unwarranted and uncalled for. I think you should really tell him to stop because its disrespectful and demeaning and he should be more sensible.

SpacedCharr · Accepted Answer

He sounds like he has a bad case of two face.

Either he's gaslighting you (likely and how it reads to me - I have been gaslit by family and former friends before) or he's stupidly idiotic in his communication.

Are you hurt when he insults you? Have you asked him to stop?

The fact that he doesn't want to tell anyone about you two is telling. And a massive red flag.

If you really like him, and if the insults bother you, ask him to stop.

See how he reacts.

If he belittles you and says you're just sensitive, making things up, or crazy, he is displaying abusive tendencies. He isn't worth you or your feelings.

If he apologizes, means it, and tries to improve, it might be worth seeing if the pattern breaks.

But seriously, you're 22.
You have so many men ahead of you. Just leave this loser if he isn't treating you the way you want to be treated.

If you still feel for him, tell him why you're leaving. If he had any respect for you, he'll try to understand and it may help him be a better person in the future.

But look out for yourself first.

thenewgirlll · Accepted Answer

He puts you down so you need his validation then he gives the validation just to be able to put you down again, it’s a very abusive, toxic and manipulative behavior. Please, stay away. It’s been only 2 months and he is already showing his colors, imagine in a few months from now.

sejla · Answer

Really concerned. It's passive aggressive and it be interesting what that stems from. Set boundaries and tell him to stop calling you names as of today. If he still does it then it is abuse and you need to leave. It is bordering on verbal abuse now.

spuitkaas · Answer

I would just leave him. He clearly doesn't respect you one bit and doesn't see you as something serious. You deserve way more than that. Especially already after two months like, what do you like about him?
Although I do understand that you might not want to give up on him directly. Give him an ultimatum. He stops, if he doesn't, you leave. Period.

morecow · Answer

It sounds like he doesn't intend it to be abusive at all, but it also seems to bother you. If it bothers you, you should have a conversation with him not in the heat of the moment and tell him so, and ask him to please stop because you don't find the jokes funny. Jokes are supposed to be funny.

NickiB · Answer

So people make jokes like this all the time so yeah he probably is joking and means nothing by it.

Me and my cousin tease each other like this all the time.

But both of us are completely fine with it.

If you don't like it talk to him and tell him how you feel about it.

If he continues to do it anyway now you should be concerned about it because he doesn't respect you enough to stop doing something you don't like.

proteus912 · Answer

You shouldn't even be considering staying with him. He sounds like a horrible person and he doesn't respect you at all. Dump him. Don't stay with him. You can find someone else who will treat you a whole lot better than this guy

MrTuxedo · Answer

Kinda odd taste for joking and comedy. Just tell him to stop, tell him that it's seriously bothering you and that it's not funny and you don't consider it to be a joke. If he cares, he has to stop then.

Shamalien · Answer

just start tellin him to eat shit, honestly people who constantly do that shit without being really good friends of mine piss me off. Me and my homies of several years talk to eachother like that but we all know it's jokes, when it's man and woman it's different

MissDawn7961 · Answer

move away from him ! end it with him for he is a mean boy who is abusing you in all ways ! get away from him , have no contact with him and make sure you do not give him any contact information at all ! thanks

jakelee29 · Answer

Dump him, he's only worried about himself. If a guys truly loves you, he wouldn't put u down. I always talk highly about my girlfriend to everyone I know. I call her Beautiful and other good names because they r true. I am honest with her sometimes when I think she's trying to hard to impress me... but we have been together for 10+ years. If he can't respect you.. he's no good.

madgoat · Answer

I'd guess he does not respect your intellect and feels superior to you.
He's also keeping you a secret which is suspicious.
You need to be careful that he does not undermine your confidence via death by a thousand cuts.

VIVANT · Answer

If it bothers you it isn’t a joke and he should stop. He doesn't get to decide if you think stuff about you, is funny. He is either a narcissist or has a processing problem.. they can overlap.

Rob19777 · Answer

That's verbal abuse and constant put downs and is a huge red flag in a relationship. You need to bail and leave this immature little prick because he has all the makings to cheat and worse turn the verbal abuse to physical abuse

CubsterShura · Answer

Huge red flag. Dump his, sister. You deserve better.

dbr1987 · Answer

Not about the fact that he does it but yeah.. this is practically gaslighting and ways narcissists operate in a nutshell... The fact you Ask it here means you are questioning yourself. This is narcissistic abuse and you should research it

Paul09 · Answer

He sounds crazy. Probably bad habits that he can't break. But you should keep warning him. And if he doesn't stop, well, there's the door. I'd find that very annoying and discouraging. Just like guy friends keep insulting each other. Gets old fast.

Account · Answer

I don't understand how the fuck can you tolerate crap like that.

Unit1 · Answer

Joke at him, that you're breaking up with him. See how he likes his own medicine. But this time, make it no joke.

jss123 · Answer

That's actually emotional abusive. One of the signs someone is a narcissist. Its done to make you doubt yourself which it has.. My ex used to do that deliberately.

Hydrogen · Answer

Not really.. Worst that can happen is he kidnaps and kills you, throws you into a ditch.. Nothing to worry about.

Anonymous · Answer

Tell him how it makes you feel, that even if it's "joking", it's hurtful. If he respects you and how you feel, he'll stop.

My Boyfriend Calls Me Names (stupid, dumb, retarded, ugly) but Always Says He's Joking. Should I be Concerned?

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