Paternity Fraud; to stay or leave?

[David_Kek]

"... "

I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say if i found out that the 3nd child my partner gave me belonged to another man, i don't know what i'd do, other than maybe give her a black eye... after that, your guess is as good as mine.

Your only options are either:

--- Stay and raise another mans kid, knowing your partner no long does or never did judge you as being reproductively good enough for her,
or
--- Leave and throw away everything you've invested in for X amount of years that you likely will never completely recover from...

… or
--- You could actually murder her, that could work too; and does actually account for the majority of murders in domestic violence cases. We're pretty much the only species that occasionally does that for paternity fraud.

Are there any men here in which this did happen to them, and tell us what it is you did and why?

[Account2]

I've thought about this actually. Probably because my own parents had that situation happen several times, me being one of them. And whatever they did it didn't work because it happened again. And for the longest time none of those kids knew why we were worse than the others. Actually we assumed it was just because we were younger at first. Neither of our parents handled it well..

I've decided I'd be willing to raise the kid. It's likely their real father won't step in to do it, and they are still my wife's child and I love my wife, so I think I could do that.

However, I would have issues with my wife if that happened. And I really hope that never does happen. But if it did under almost any circumstance I would probably become a very overly-controlling husband and chances are slim she would get the opportunity to cheat again.

We already fixed it once before. If that happens again despite all the work we've done and do to make sure it won't, then I won't know how to fix it anymore. But I don't want to take it out on the kid. And I don't want to lose custody of any of my actual biological children, which would probably happen in a divorce. I don't know how hard it would be to untie my hands in that situation.

So in short, I've thought about it, and it seems the best reaction is preemptive. Making sure it won't happen at all.

[David_Kek]

If your partner has already cheated, they will again 100%. The preemptive move would be to walk away immediately the instant you see any such red flags before such mistakes happen, not argue with them until they promise not to do it again.

[Account2]

Thanks for the tip. But I know her and I know why she did it once, and I know what we do to make sure it won't happen again. And we didn't argue about it at all, actually. Neither of us were good at spotting red flags back then and looking back we were both holding a couple each, but at this point none are left. Because against popular belief you can commit yourself to becoming a better person, you can learn from mistakes and move foreward, and you can build a solid foundation if you destroy the broken one first. We've been together 9 years since that happened and it has never happened since. Don't you think that's a pretty long time to wait if she was going to cheat again?

[David_Kek]

In all likelihood she's already cheated on you again, unless for the last 9 years you've had her in a chastity belt with your own army of eunuchs guarding her at all times.

[Account2]

No, she hasn't. Just because she has had the opportunity to cheat doesn't mean she's taken it. That's like saying unless you never go into a store again and have a security guard monitor you at all times then you are a shoplifter. That's just ridiculous. I'm willing to discuss this with you, but not if you assume that my wife has absolutely zero sense of morals or self-control. Because I know that's not true. If it were then she would have taken the phone from me by now and blocked you because she really doesn't like it when people use blanket reasoning like that with no actual evidence.

[David_Kek]

i assume she has lots of morals and self-control, that's why women cheat more yet get caught less often.
I don't wanna be a dick or anything, but i'm pretty sure your "dad" thought and said exactly the same numerous times.

[Account2]

Oh, no he knew she cheated and had very little self control. He just was some sort of in love with her still and the first 4 at least were actually his sons, and she was barely home anyways so I guess he just thought it wasn't worth getting a divorce and just went to depression instead. I'm not sure. It was pretty messed up.

I do know what that looks like though and me and my wife have set very clear boundaries that if we cross it ends things permanently. We make a point to stay as far away from those as possible.

And if women in general have better morals then how in the world would they cheat MORE? I get if they have more self control they could be caught less, but morals and self control should prevent cheating, not encourage it. How would that even make sense?

[David_Kek]

Everyone has morals, including serial killers. Doesn't mean they have the same morals as you, nor does it mean they're being honest with them. As Greg House said; "everybody lies".

In the end, words are cheap. It's very good for a relationship to have set very clear boundaries, but if they only exist in words and not actions, then they don't mean anything.
The only action i can think of that proves said faithfulness in regards to this subject, would be the agreement of a Paternity Test for every pregnancy.

[Account2]

I thought we were talking about cheating in general not cheating that gets her pregnant. But either way if I can't trust what she says I may as well leave, you're right. I don't want to be married to someone I can't even trust to speak honestly with me.

We've known each other a long time and it's to the point I'd bet a good amount of money I would be able to tell if she lies. I don't want to be in any relationship with someone who uses their words cheaply. The thing that you don't seem to believe is that she's not a stranger to me, we actually know each other extremely well. Don't you think that she would have slipped up in some way by now if she was lying all the time to me to make me think I can actually trust her? That's not an easy thing to do on so many levels at the same time. And besides me she has also interacted with most of my brothers and talked with them on several occasions over the years, and none of them have mentioned any reason to be suspicious of her either. She's not a robot and I've seen her slip up when trying to maintain an appearance towards other people before to avoid drama. I know what her weaknesses are and I know how people who do try to be manipulative in that way have effected her.

I really don't think she could be such an amazing liar that I wouldn't be suspicious at all at this point. And I really don't think she has the morals of someone who would even try to do that, especially when she doesn't even have much to gain from doing it. There are men with more money and better families that she could have gone after if that were the case, so why would she stay with me at all?

[Account2]

Why do you think you know my wife better than I do, I guess is what I'm not understanding. You seem to be so convinced of what she would do and has done, and you have never even met her. What do you know about her that is enough to you to justify making those kind of assumptions about her? All you know that I've told you is she's been with me for about 10 years and cheated once in the first year. That's not very much information.

[David_Kek]

men are idiots. i literally only found out 1 hour ago that my "father" is in fact not my father, and he never knew, and he was married to her longer than 9 years before i came along. You don't know shit.

[Account2]

Oh fuck off. I'm sorry about your parents but at least you got to have a childhood with someone who acted like your father. Hopefully the new information doesn't suddenly invalidate your relationship with him, and hopefully they can move on in some way shape or form. But I don't know their situation besides they were together for 9 years before that so honestly I have some doubts as to how similar our situations actually are.

Again, just knowing how long we've been together DOESN'T MEAN 2 SHITS. It may mean 1, but that's not much. For one thing, had your mother ever been CAUGHT cheating before you were born? That could make a big difference. For another, did they have any sort of boundaries set up against cheating or lying in general? Because that also makes a difference. I said from the beginning that me and Jolene-- as a couple-- are acting preemptively to prevent this situation from taking place. And unless your parents realized it could be an issue beforehand and took steps to prevent it, then I'd say that their the ones who didn't know shit. And unfortunately that doesn't help anyone. And again, I'm sorry. That sucks.

Was the idea that your mom would even possibly cheat on your dad ever on his radar in the first place? If you don't look for something yeah, it's much harder to see it. It really sounds like you're just projecting your mom onto my wife at this point and while that's understandable it's not a very sound argument. Besides having 1.5 things in common, they could be and ARE entirely different human beings. I'd appreciate if you would try to consider that maybe possibly Jolene isn't a fucking manipulative liar. Okay? Or I'm going to just let her respond next time, because I'm honestly struggling to make my argument any clearer at this point, and it feels like we haven't solved anything.

[truthbeknown]

Kids are very expensive and time consuming to raise. Not fair I have to make that sacrifice for another man's property.

[Dav1ss]

I mean tbh I think it's just as much your problem going into a relationship where your worried about this situation ever being a problem like if you go with a bad woman that would choose to do this then you should probably expect it from the get go

[David_Kek]

Paternity Fraud happens with nearly ever demographic of women out there, including the most Conservative "no sex before marriage" types.
These "bad women" are invisible.

[Dav1ss]

I don't think so really like you can claim they are invisible but get to know someone you will know eventually

[David_Kek]

No, you won't. There are so many cases out there where men didn't have a clue at all, and only found out like 20 years later when "their" "son"/"daughter" needed a blood transfer or something.

10% of the population have fathers that aren't actually their fathers. What that means is there's a 10% chance the man you call "dad", is not in fact your biological father.

[Dav1ss]

10% where did you get that number

[David_Kek]

www.telegraph.co.uk/.../

[Dav1ss]

Tbh I wouldn't take that stat too seriously if you look at the sample size

[David_Kek]

There's been numerus studies, ranging from 5 to 30%. In the animal kingdom of all other monogamous animals like birds and other primates, those rates exceed 30%.

[David_Kek]

here's a fresh example, i literally only found out 1 hour ago that i am part of that percentage, and i never knew, and neither did my "father"

[Dav1ss]

I'm really sorry

[Dav1ss]

Stats like that unfortunately aren't reliable because the sample size is inevitably too small

[Anonymous]

Bruh why you contemplating murder and giving her a black eye... like the anger is justified but violence is wrong

[David_Kek]

love is a funny thing, and so is betrayal of the worst sort

[HedwigInABox]

Yes cause going to jail for murder is better than leaving a rationship

[David_Kek]

and yet people still do, just like in the right conditions men will willing kill themselves on the front line of a war knowing they have no chance.

[HedwigInABox]

Did you really just compare having to Break Up with a cheater to someone Killing themselfes in a war scenarios? And Just because someone does it, doesn't mean it's any less dumb. People Break Up every day. It's no big deal

[David_Kek]

your instincts are tailored to the goal of reproduction, even to the point of killing yourself. Trying to get a man to invest completely in raising children he thinks are his and aren't, reproductively that's no different then trying to castrate him.

[HedwigInABox]

Oh wow that's the most ridiculous shit I've heard for a long time on here. How is it the same as Castrating him? He can still get kids when he broke up with her. Not so much when he's in jail for life

[David_Kek]

If you have a man and you and trying to keep him faithful to you, while you are lying to him and giving him another mans kids, you are effectively castrating him. If he finds out, then good for him, it still doesn't change the fact this woman tried to do this to him.
If someone tries to cut your balls off and fails, your fight or flight will respond all the same.

[HedwigInABox]

Not sure If you're Just trolling but maybe you should Google the definition of castration.

[David_Kek]

Modern Germans are known for the weak ineffectual men. I put you at a high probability of engaging in this behaviour.

[HedwigInABox]

I Like my German men thanks. You know what really weak? Your level of insecurity.

[David_Kek]

called it

[Miristheiss]

Divorce her.
No chance in hell I would stay with that piece of shit.
Get joint custody of my kids.

[Hans222]

I think I would stay, although it would take time for the wounds to heal :-(

[DonCachondo]

Your concern is valid in principle but extreme in its extent.