Do you feel attracted to other people while in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I love my boyfriend, to the moon and back. However, I’m really attracted to this one guy I see regularly (we don’t even talk) but we go to the same gym and I honestly almost drool when I see him. HE IS SO HOT and I often think about him. If I ‘fantasize’ it’s with him, not my boyfriend - is that a red Flag? And here’s the thing, I love my partner but I feel like he doesn’t put any effort in looking good, I love his personality but I just wished he tried to stay in shape and wear nice clothes, etc. like, he often smells and his clothes is all broken and yeah... just looks very careless I suppose and this other guys every time I look at him , he’s like really clean and just attractive. He’s in great shape and looks like a nice dude. I’m struggling here coz I feel so guilty- is this normal?

Updates

+1 y

Thank y’all for your responses. Really helps to have some perspective. This guy at the gym started talking to me recently and he’s really nice, which makes everything even harder. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about him not putting effort so I really hope that things change a little bit. It’s a real struggle but I don’t want to end things because I honestly do love him and I wouldn’t actually cheat. I’m just struggling with the thoughts in my head

[MrWolf]

And there you go 😂 your done with your boyfriend.

Dress nicely, stay in shape more and the other stuff. That's when you want to change him but even if you change him your probably either lose him while doing so or leave him midway.

Just let the poor guy be and go for the other guy we already know the end of this story. We all do.

I have a wife and i have eyes only for her. And that's kind why i did pick her and she picked me. Because there can be 1000 woman I don't really care I'm happy with her.

Sure i feel attracted, don't we all. But that doesn't give me the right to destroy my happiness.

Like my wife can be attracted to anyone else see goes booth ways 😉.

Imagine now your boyfriend drolling after another girl and wishing you could change yourself ain't nice is it?

And him having an Fantasy with other woman not nice is it.

The moment you lust after something else that's it there is not going back because the forbidden fruit is more sweet. But after a while your going to see it's just a fruite with an empty shell and you will move onto the next fruite.

[Floppy2112]

Hey Lady, of course the guy in the gym is talking to you. You showed interest, duh. You cannot expect your boyfriend to change because he suddenly has competition he doesn't even know about. Do the right thing and break this guy's heart now, before you screw the hot guy from the gym and become a wench for cheating. You are treating your boyfriend like a safety blanket, or a stepping stone to the next better man. You are using the poor guy. He deserves better. I really feel for the guy.

Your boyfriend isn't broken and he doesn't need to be changed. You are broken and you are the one who needs to change.

[MrWolf]

Never being called a Lady lmao.

But i see you understand my point too.

So glad to see people understand how bad those things are and how they need to stop.

[Finchie40]

If you really loved your boyfriend you wouldn’t be fantasizing about getting it on with this other guy , it’s ok to think someone else is attractive but now that you are picturing yourself in bed with this other guy isn’t a good thing , So something is missing in your current relationship and honestly
I think you should really have a long Talk with your boyfriend and point out to him the flaws he has that is turning You off , Now don’t tell him that you are attracted to a guy at the gym , That guy at the gym is a nobody , you don’t even know the guy , he might be the biggest douchebag you ever met , so don’t jeopardize your relationship for
Some fairy tale that probably won’t come true. Ask yourself does your boyfriend treat you good? Is he Loving and attentive to you? Does he care about you , Does he do things for you , Does he include you , you got to remember Looks aren’t everything , if your boyfriend is lacking in the hygiene department tell his ass to stop being lazy and start cleaning himself more and that you would like for him to dress better , tell him it’s a turn off that he is slumping on those things. These are things you can talk to your boyfriend about before making a dumb move of jeopardizing your relationship for some guy that you find attractive cuz of his appearance. The fact that you Are going to the gym is making you see false reality. I hate to say it but usually people that are totally focused on their appearance and living at the gym are people that usually think their shit don’t stink, and don’t really have a heart and are the biggest douchebags ever. Work on your current relationship before making a dumb move

[Finchie40]

Thanks for MHO , And I hope you focused on your relationship and not that guy at the gym

[Anonymous]

I'm very happy in my relationship, and tbh, I rarely even notice anyone but my boyfriend. Do I notice if a guy is attractive? Sure, but the whole thing lasts all of 2 seconds before I'm back to finding every little thing my boyfriend does adorable.

I think the happier you are, the less likely you are to notice. Yes, we're all human and we will continue to notice attractive people, but if we're happy, its just like "oh, he's hot" in your mind, and then move on with your day.

As for fantasizing about this gym guy, realize one thing. Your boyfriend is comfortable around you. Maybe a little too comfortable, but everyone reaches a comfort level in their relationships. This new gym guy, you've only ever seen him out in public. I guarantee you, he has flaws and quirks too. You just haven't seen them because you don't know him well enough. I guarantee you he's not always the hunk you make him out to be. I'm sure he has gross or annoying habits too.

[Little_Bumblebee]

The grass is always greener on the other side.

To answer your question, yes I can feel attraction to others while in a relationship, it's not like I'm suddenly blind or a switch is just turned off.
The important part is how you act upon it.

If you feel like your boyfriend could care some more, then I have two options for you.
1. Talk with him about it - in a proper way of course.
Or
2. every time he does shower, or makes an effort, you compliment him, say he smells great, flirt with him, maybe even give him some sugar. Show that you appreciate it when he does these things.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Noticing an attractive person isn't wrong... Love doesn't really blind us, but it's the fantasizing about, the comparing your boyfriend to the way he is where the issue starts. Did your boyfriend just stop caring about his appearance, or was he always that way? And has it always been an issue, or is it an issue now because of the other guy? The grass isn't always greener on the other side, no matter how well kept it might appear.

[Asker]

He was never the kind of guy to put too much effort, but he was fitter when I met him and I just love his personality, we get along so well and compliment each other. But yeah, just seeing this guys makes the physical attraction being a problem. I find myself more attracted to this guy than my boyfriend and I think that’s a problem but I don’t know how to bring it up with him. I want to tell him that it would be nice if he put more effort because I mean , I do.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Have you ever asked your boyfriend to join you at the gym? Or to take walks together?

[Asker]

He actually used to go the gym a lot, that’s now we met. I’m a personal trainer, so also wrote him programs. We go hiking together, etc. but he hasn’t been to the gym lately coz he’s been busy - he’s finishing up his thesis, but he is obsessed with food, which is why he’s been gaining weight and yeah... I just dunno. To be perfectly honest, I’m struggling with attraction. I put in a lot of effort to be fit, eat well, etc so it’s pretty hard to see that he puts in 0 effort and I don’t know how to bring it up without hurting his feelings

[Jamie05rhs]

Here's my honest opinion: He can lose the extra weight that he gained after he gets his degree. Give him some slack for a little bit. He needs energy for his brain. (And I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed.)
But @Brainsbeforebeauty What do you think?

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

@Jamie05rhs I agree...

[Asker]

I fully understand about the whole thesis thing but this started way before that. He kinda stopped putting effort around 1 year in the relationship, but i didn’t think about it until now that I’ve met this guy. He’s the only person that has caught my attention so much which is why I’m struggling so much, I’ve never experienced this before

[Asker]

I tried bringing it up the other day after he came to the gym with me and I said how attractive it is to him putting effort , so I hope things change a little bit. I’m also moving away so I’m gonna stop seeing this guy on the daily which I think should help

[Jamie05rhs]

You're moving away? But then you won't be able to see your boyfriend either, will you?

[Asker]

@Jamie05rhs I’m moving away with him. He found a job somewhere else so I’m moving with him as I also secured a job there

[Jamie05rhs]

Oh. Word.

[Investigator]

It sounds like you are experiencing lust. Of course, it's normal to find other people attractive outside of your relationship, but there's mild interest and then there's strong attraction and you are clearly engaged in the latter.

"I love my partner but I feel like he doesn’t put any effort in looking good", this is excuse-making. What you're saying but don't want to admit is, he doesn't do it for you. He doesn't "rev your engine", so to speak. He's probably sweet and kind, but he's not exciting. The fact that you fantasize and even drool on sight over this other guy, instead of your significant other, suggests to me that you've already mentally "checked out" of your relationship. I guarantee that, if you had the chance to hook up with "SO HOT" guy and cheat on your boyfriend, you'd do it in a heartbeat.

My advice: break up with your boyfriend--the sooner, the better.

[bob_anon714]

Just thinking outside the box, but have you discussed spicing up your relationship with a 3some? There's a lot of discussion that should happen before the deed and trust/communication needs to be there with no secrets.
You never know, he might be one of these guys that is with a cuckold (either present or not, sometimes humiliation is involved or he is dominated by girl or bull or both) or a stag (guy who likes to share his girl with others and may/may not participate. Is more than capable, but chooses to sideline)

[DiegoO]

In the first and only, "serious" relationship I ever had, I didn't at first, but, my now ex, didn't gave me much sexual feedback. She said she was virgin, back then. Ok, I understood that. What I couldnt't understand is why in the world she was denying herself the enjoyment of having sexual experiences with me. I started develop sexual atraction for other women's, and I cheated on her, online. I learned that my mental health is first, ans that there is no need in cheating. Jusy leave if you know you did everyrhing you could, and if your partner isn't responding to recyprocity.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

I think it's normal to still find other people attractive while in a relationship. You're in a relationship, but you aren't blind lol. There's no harm in thinking someone other than your partner is hot, as long as you don't act on it and it doesn't impact your relationship

[snowboarder720]

Sounds like your boyfriend could use a reality check. I think it would be smart to point out that he looks like he doesn’t care about his appearance. Yeah it’ll sound harsh but it might just be the thing he needs to hear to be like “wow, she really does have a point. I should clean myself up.”.
I think he’s appreciate it and it’d show him that you have the confidence and guts to tell him things like it is (I find this VERY attractive when women do that).

[Dragonpurple]

My first girlfriend ever broke up with me, cause she said she loved me but was still finding other guys interesting and attractive. She thought that if she really loved me, that would not happen.

Moving on in life, I have found that I do find others attractive but I have never acted on any of it. I'm not sure what is normal and what is not, but I would never make a move if I wasn't fully available. It would not be fair to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Do I notice attractive men whilst in a relationship? Yes, I can still recognize when another man is attractive despite being in a relationship.


Do I fantasize about other men? Nope. I only fantasize about my man.


But I do think it is important for men to keep up their appearance no matter how far they are into a relationship. You needa communicate this with your boyfriend. Obviously in a nice way. But it kinda sounds like you’re not attracted to your boyfriend anymore.

[JPrez]

It’s normal. We all have feelings and emotions. Your libido and brain don’t stop when you’re with someone. It also gets taken up a notch when we’re with someone or they are with someone and they’re considered “forbidden fruit”.

[red324]

No I quit looking at other women when I'm seeing someone. This usually comes to bite me because I should wait until we are actually official so when they ghost me for whatever reason at least I can focus on the other person and won't be as hurt. Unfortunately I'm a one girl at a time type of guy. While that's a good thing it leads to me always being single.

[Floppy2112]

Uh oh, there are cracks appearing. I have seen this movie before and I can almost predict how it will end. You enjoy the security and placidity of your boyfriend, but you cannot stop dreaming about the hot guy, huh?
Just please dump your boyfriend BEFORE you sleep with Mr. Hotty, okay?

[naturalgirl]

What if a guy is married and still has his ex’s number in his phone and after five years of not talking or even seeing each other is asking the ex where she works because they might bump into each other and he doesn’t want it to be weird. He even asked is she seeing anyone and his reason behind it is because he’s concerned about her “happiness” Does he still like the ex?

[Floppy2112]

@naturalgirl Yeah, I would say that's a huge red flag. He's clearly not over her and things like that make me think he would drop his wife in a half second if this ex ever wanted him back. Don't get married unless you're sure. It's a life investment and incredibly destructive if one person has one foot out of the door the whole time.

[naturalgirl]

May I private message you about this matter if that’s okay

[Floppy2112]

@naturalgirl Certainly... Do you need me to initiate?

[naturalgirl]

I sent you a private message I’m not sure if u got it

[MountAverage]

What does being in a relationship or not have to do with it though? Everyone finds certain features in people attractive, whether that's physical or something about their personality, or whatever. And when you encounter such features in someone, you'll obviously be attracted to that person in some way. Why would being in a relationship suddenly stop that?

[DiscomfortZone]

Absolutely. Attraction is physiological, it's a sexual primal things and it's perfectly normal to feel attraction even if you're spoken for. Just so long as you don't act on it in any way. Look with your eyes andnot your hands, no flirting of any kind, nothing you wouldn't want your partner doing.

[Puppystarfish23]

Yes, I can help it. Gosh so many insecure jealous men on here. I'm sure looking at porn is okay but if you're girl dares look at another man and finds him attractive she's a piece of shit and the downfall to all women.

[Puppystarfish23]

Can't*

[kboy808]

It's called window shopping! As long as you only look at the menu it's fine. Just don't go in and take it home. Everyone is attracted to others it's human nature and it's totally natural in my opinion.

[Hannah_le]

Haha I’m afraid to look at the other comments but to be fair no. It’s really weird it’s just when u like someone it’s hard to look at others in that way. Plus id mostly be attracted to someone for personality then looks so .

[SamFromFL]

Are other people attractive and worth looking at yes. Can you develop a crush while in a relationship no. To me it sounds like emotionally you are done with your current boyfriend and need to move on. Make sure you break up so that you don’t keep leading him on.

[Kas19]

Absolutey. It's normal. It's okay to admire someone's beauty. If you're trying to get with them behind your partners back, then that's the issue. It's all about intentions.

[Siren777]

Not at all. I guess it's a blessing that I take longer to commit as I'm weighing pros and cons. So when i commit to someone, I fully commit. I don't think of anyone else

[anylolone]

It is a red flag if you don't fantasize about your boyfriend regardless of situation.
Being obsessed as well with a third party is also a red flag.
But being attracted to people outside of the relationship isn't.

[naturalgirl]

What if a guy is married and still has his ex’s number in his phone and after five years of not talking or even seeing each other is asking the ex where she works because they might bump into each other and he doesn’t want it to be weird. He even asked is she seeing anyone and his reason behind it is because he’s concerned about her “happiness” Does he like the ex?

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl Having old numbers on phones is natural.
(I as one example, only delete random never used numbers after limits are filled)
Everything else depends.
What "liking ex" depends, if they broke on good terms he still likes his ex, loving is another story.

[naturalgirl]

What if they didn’t break up on good terms

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl If they didn't break up in good terms good chances he doesn't like her at all.
Good chances he's trying to show off, less about making her feel better, more about showing how much better he's feeling.
Some people are petty like that.

[naturalgirl]

I guess but if someone is truly happy why show off and why try to bump into the person if u don’t like them

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl To show off YOU are happy and they AREN'T.

And you know what's worst? This truth gonna sound better to you.

[naturalgirl]

So I should show off I’m happy is that what your telling me?

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl No, you do you.
I'm just saying that people that don't break up in good terms don't like each other much less love each other, they may lust after each other but it's more uncommon than you imagine.

[naturalgirl]

But I know if an ex is trying to make you jealous they still obviously like you I hear it from guys or just a relationship expert so n YouTube

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl "relationship experts", well, that's laughable.
Are those people who mostly break up on good terms? Who have long lasting relationships? Who are actually popular with people that like their sex?

Women try to make other women envyous all the time, if you try to make someone feel jealous what you are feeling is a bad thing and clearly ain't love.

For the record, I never tried, be it with exes or anyone, with the few mistakes in partner selection I had, all I wanted was be away from them.
If jealousy was a sign of love, jealous lovers wouldn't have increadibly short relationships.

But I never said jealousy, I said envy, though the same apply.
Some people love to show proof the problem wasn't them, as if it was necessary.

And It makes little sense to make an ex I'm friendly with feel jealousy or envy, that's a great way to ruin the friendship.

[naturalgirl]

Yeah but sometimes guys or an ex will make a girl jealous because they still care and still have feelings for them. I’m not saying it’s right but it is possible for people to do that

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl Nope, no times.

Jealousy is a bad feeling, you don't purposefully try to make someone jealous because you have good feelings thowards them. Be it jealousy or envy.

[naturalgirl]

What about guys that do use jealousy to get a girls attention I have had that happen to me before and they eventually admitted they liked and that they didn’t really have a girlfriend it was more so to make me jealous

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl I had girls say they done it to me.
And I knew it meant they didn't.

I did talk about lust, didn't I?

[naturalgirl]

Wait u think it’s just about lust if it’s jealousy. Trust me sir if a girl is trying to make u jealous they like u I’m a girl or she has some type of feelings I tried this and it was only because I was hurt and still liked the person

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl Nope, they might be the special kind of dumb that think lust is liking.
Lust is lust, lust is wanting to bump uglies.

Let me tell you, most likely he doesn't. Most likely he doesn't even lust for her.
And now I'm suspecting you are the ex.
And now one other reason popped in my mind, he's bored, mostly alone besides his girlfriend and desperately needs someone to talk because of covid, the breakup wasn't that bad (at least in his mind) and he's genuinely concerned for selfish reasons, good chances he'll try to pair you up with one of his friends as an excuse to get in touch with one of his friends.
Lol!
You are about to be ex-zoned.

I'm guilty of that, but not due to covid.

[naturalgirl]

The breakup was bad though and why don’t u think he lusts after her and he’s not trying to set her up with his friend

[naturalgirl]

There have been no mentions of friends and what are these selfish reasons you are talking about.

[naturalgirl]

Wait how can you be alone if you have a significant other? Also what are your thoughts on a guy who masturbates to having sex with his daughter if he ever had one with the girl he’s talking with on the phone and claims it’s just phone sex talk and he really wouldn’t do it

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl the world is more than getting an SO.
You are less alone single with friends that dating bit without friends

[naturalgirl]

So the phone sex conversations topics are normal that the guy talked about

[anylolone]

@naturalgirl ok, I got lost here.
Getting in contact with people from the past is normal and not a strong indication that they want to do what you want to do.

[naturalgirl]

But to do it sneaky around your partners back I never heard of such a thing

[gotc147]

If you're really in love, you don't even notice other people.

[jgirl99]

Its impossible not to be. Ofc I'm gonna be attracted to a cute guy that isn't my boyfriend, but I'm choosing my boyfriend, I'm with him, and i choose that everyday. Thats what a relationship and love is. Choosing a person over and over. Commitment

[IronLady6354]

Do I notice that other men are attractive? Yes I do. That doesn't mean I want to have an affair or leave my husband. It just means that I notice that my husband isn't the only attractive man alive.

[Lucious22]

I don’t think it’s wrong at all, I’ve done the same about other woman while in relationships! It’s only your mind being curious, if your love your man and wouldn’t leave him for this guy then your doing nothing wrong

[swanask]

This is an intersting one because yes but ultimately no. Let me explain. Internal thoughts : "ah this guy is attractive, yep he is, and so is my man. I love my man" (moves on swiftly)

[Account]

If that happened to me, the relationship would be over. I can't stay with someone while being attracted to someone else.

[Ripper_E]

sounds like you should not be in a relationship. If you look at a guy and think he is attractive, that's fine. When your thoughts linger on that person, it's a problem.

[SirJohn42]

I think there are sexy women but in a relationship I do my best not to let it entertain in my thoughts.
I dont want to entertain the attraction it can lead to other things.

I stay faithful.

[Jamie05rhs]

You'd better cut that shit out.

If you want your boyfriend to improve, TELL him. Drooling over other dudes isn't going to help the situation.

[mobiusforniner]

Its normal. For people who get butt hurt, its because they are more focused on their insecurities rather than their confidence

[CriticalDiscourse]

Yes, and it's completely normal. Talk to your partner about putting in a little more effort.

[sheikalana]

I might find other people attractive but I don’t feel attracted to other people when I’m in a relationship.

[MillenniumBill]

It's okay to act in the mind for a while. Just never forget that you need to come back after you're done.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Yeah sometimes. I’ve felt the same way as you once or twice.

[DavidDong]

Yeah, that's natural but a feeling you must ignore, since the person your with should have greater value.

[classic_crime]

Very much so! Just because you choose to be with someone doesn't remove sexual attraction from others

[K-I-S-S]

Yes i do, it's fine to hang out with them. Life is also short. Do you want to stay with your current boyfriend?

[jshm2]

It's just infatuation, you'll mature eventually and laugh at yourself later.

[EaterPeter]

Not always. What the heck love is anyways. I believe it is consistent of multiple things. I think we just pay lip service to the word instead of breaking down it into smaller proper categories and put those little things into daily habits.

[RHK36]

Having an attraction to others is normal, fantasizing and comparing them to your partner is lowkey a red flag.

[Vetis]

Lmao you love your boyfriend but he doesn't fit close to your ideal besides having a "nice personality" tf that even meand. Therefore you dont love him.

[CraigV]

Very simple. Window shopping is absolutely okay. I do it all the time. I ce you actually start talking, that's when it's not okay. In fact drop your current relationship if you do.

[WalterBlack]

If you mean the type of talking that might lead to romantic or sexual situations, I would agree that this is best avoided. However, simply having a conversation should not be a red flag.

[AlwaysBelieving]

Attracted, yes. Do anything about it, not a chance.

[Josh4206]

Not really, but I don't really see many single people in my town.

[Anonymous]

No never. But then i don't feel attracted to anyone even when i was single

[Meldrum]

There's a difference between being attracted to someone and finding someone attractive.

[Iron_Man]

You’re the type of girl that will cheat down the road

[AFellowWeeb]

Break up with your boyfriend and try it with that other guy. Why do you struggle to choose this?

[Asker]

Because I love my boyfriend, I don’t love that guy, I don’t even know him. He’s hot as hell, but that’s it

[AFellowWeeb]

u dotn really love ur boyfriend thats what im saying, you will cheat on him in the future, you already are psycologcally, which is also wrong, think about it this way, would you like if your boyfriend was drooling over a woman at his job? Thinking about her while he's fucking you? No, you wouldn't, even if you try to bs me and say you wouldn't mind, tahts just bc you already dont really love your boyfriend, you are just with him, bc you know you have security with him, but with this other guy, you dont know, basically, you would preffer that other guy, but you're afraid of breaking up with your boyfriend for this guy and then this guy rejecting you, so yeah, you will cheat eventually on your currwent boyfriend, thats just the way it is

[AFellowWeeb]

promiscuity leads to stuff like this

[naturalgirl]

@AFellowWeeb What if a guy is married and still has his ex’s number in his phone and after five years of not talking or even seeing each other is asking the ex where she works because they might bump into each other and he doesn’t want it to be weird. He even asked is she seeing anyone and his reason behind it is because he’s concerned about her “happiness” Does he like the ex?

[AFellowWeeb]

@naturalgirl? what does that shit ahs to do with this? this girl clearly is lusting of a random while on a relationship, who dafuck wants to date someone like her?

[Anonymous]

Of course I do, I have a boyfriend im not dead, but I would never compare, that's where it gets weird.

[DrunkenMaster]

You're very close to emotionally cheating on your boyfriend.

[AFellowWeeb]

she already is

[BareTruth]

You can’t help what you are attracted too. Now there is a difference noticing vs googling at someone

[animan666]

Yes, but not a permanent attraction. Just a hit and quit unless it turns into more.

[Nachowedgie]

Noticing other people are attractive is fine

What you're doing isn't, break up

[Rippersavage]

Couldn't have said it better myself

[Becky316]

Sometimes but I don't act on it

[mazeltov]

Just don’t act on the feelings and you’re good

[collie22]

way normal just don't act on it and your okay

[Anonymous]

You’re the reason I don’t date.

[moviedude714]

I believe this is quite common

[Blistersonmybrain]

no, because I'm not twenty anymore

[Agape93]

Yeah that’s natural