When you are in a committed relationship, do you occasionally feel attracted to someone else?

[OlderAndWiser]

Obviously, this is very poor form for dating behavior

I occasionally see posts from girls complaining that their boyfriend has actually LOOKED at another girl. I am not defending the behavior illustrated above, but I think this is one of those Mars/Venus situations where the girlfriend usually attaches far too much importance to the occurrence.

Men are visual creatures. Even when we are in a committed relationship, a pretty girl attracts our attention. We can fantasize about what it would be like to have sex with someone other than our current girlfriend. That does NOT mean that we want to be unfaithful.

I live with my girlfriend and I hope that our relationship grows stronger for the rest of our lives. However, I still look at other women and appreciate their beauty, even younger women. . . BUT that does not mean that I want to pursue that other woman. I also have a girlfriend from my past - Oksana - who is very attractive and very nice; if our circumstances were different, I would be dating or living with her instead of my current girlfriend. I sometimes fantasize about having sex with Oksana. However, I have absolutely no contact with Oksana and I have no intentions of ever again contacting her. I must confess that I also fantasize about Kristen Bell but that's not gonna happen, either!

None of this behavior equates with infidelity. If your ability to maintain your relationship depends on your partner never looking at another pretty girl or handsome guy, your relationship is doomed. He may have turned to look at the cute waitress as she walked away, but he went home with you. . . right? Instead of complaining about something that seems to be innate and immutable, why not be grateful that your partner works to avoid temptation?

After all. . . haven't you - even just once - looked at someone else while you were in a relationship?

I have never been in a committed relationship

I have been in one committed relationship and during that time, I have never been/was never attracted to anyone other than my partner

I have been in one committed relationship and during that time, I was attracted to someone else, but I never acted on that attraction while I was still in the relationship

I have been in one committed relationship and during that time, I was attracted to someone else and I pursued that other person while I was still in the relationship

I have been in two or more committed relationships and during those times, I have never been/was never attracted to anyone other than my partners

I have been in two or more committed relationships and during those times, I was attracted to someone else, but I never acted on that attraction while I was still in a relationship

I have been in two or more committed relationships and during those times, I was attracted to someone else and I pursued that other person while I was still in a relationship

Updates

+1 y

Yes, I get that. In fact, that is my point. We do it and, by itself, it doesn't mean anything bad.

The "visual creature" reference means that men look at attractive women without consciously thinking about it, almost like a reflex rather than a planned action. That is how I think it is different for men.

Updates

+1 y

Sorry, the first update was actually intended to be a response to a specific opinion and not an update.

[ThatInsaneChick]

Physical attraction is kind of unpreventable. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you suddenly stop noticing when people are hot. I've had this happen a few times, but I'd never act on it. If I'm committed, I'm committed.

[OlderAndWiser]

You get it! Thank you!

[1828avaava1828]

being attracted to attractive people is normal. not a big deal, but acting on it... that's where i draw the line

[OlderAndWiser]

Exactly!

[EDWINDUNDEE999]

l respect you

[JimRSmith]

I voted F.

Any guy who says he doesn't look is a liar.

If you have maturity and self control, then that's as far as you'll let it go.

[JimRSmith]

Thanks for MHO

[Browneye57]

Of course. Everybody does. Adults have all kinds of thoughts and feelings all the time. A sign of maturity is what you DO about them.

[Goodwifie]

I don't feel attracted to anyone else but my husband, I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. I don't see other men the same way that I see my husband.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Maybe I'm being immature or it's because the relationship is still green, but when I look at other girls I think they are pretty, but they aren't my girlfriend and I can't find myself attracted to them.
There's only one woman for me.

[PrincessGrail]

I am not very visual, but occasionally I get attracted to other people.

Your questions are great, but your poll responses are complicated enough to make the UCC look easy...

[CarpetDenim]

Fantasizing about having sex with someone else has little to do with being (un) faithful to me, but I still would never approve of my partner doing it because it indicates to me that he is not satisfied with me or with our relationship. I don’t care if he would actually pursue her or not, just thinking about it is enough to deeply concern me. Even if you and most other people don’t agree with me on that (because I am aware that it is quite a radical opinion), you should at the very least understand that it’s disrespectful for a man to eyefuck other girls when he’s in the presence of his partner. “Men are visual creatures” is no excuse to be that much of a sleazy jackass, if a guy is going to do it at all, he shouldn’t do it when he’s with his girlfriend.

I’d also like to give a little justification for my initial statement, because I do hold it for a reason. Have I - even just once - looked at someone else while I was in a relationship? Yes, but only when the relationship was falling apart and was basically in the shitter and at a point where I was no longer remotely satisfied by it or by him. Those are the only circumstances that I have ever felt an inclination to eyeball anyone else, and even then it never escalated to fantasizing about having sex with some random guy, just a brief look and maybe pointing out to a friend, “Hey, he’s cute isn’t he?” If I’m happy in my relationship and I’m satisfied by my partner, I have eyes only for him. Other people don’t even register in my mind in a sexual/romantic sense, especially not complete strangers. And that’s the way I think it should be. It’s not that I think my ability to maintain a relationship depends on my partner never ogling or sexually fantasizing about another girl, I think whether or not my partner does ogle or sexually fantasize about another girl depends on the quality of our relationship.

[PrincessGrail]

As I said before (on a diff account), I admire you for the opinion you just expressed.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. I never suggested that it's okay for a guy to be in your face looking at other women. The first words in my post are the picture caption, "Obviously, this is very poor form for dating behavior." I never turn and ogle or stare at women when I'm with my girlfriend.

2. I understand your desire to believe as you do and I'm not suggesting that you change it. However, I am telling you that men think about other women even when they are entirely satisfied with their current relationship.

I have been dating since I was 16. I've had eleven committed relationships in my lifetime and I've never once been unfaithful to a partner. During a committed relationship, I've never had sex with another woman, never kissed another woman, never flirted with another woman, never taken another woman on a date, never invited a female co-worker to share a private lunch with me, never asked for another girl's phone number - nothing that could reasonably be construed as pursuing another relationship.

During those eleven relationships, I occasionally saw other women and felt some attraction but I never acted on it. The test of a man's commitment to a relationship is not whether he is ever tempted but rather is how he responds to temptation. If you insist on having a partner who never even looks at another woman, the field of potential candidates will suddenly shrink to an infinitesimally small percentage of the population. And, as @JimRSmith has noted, any man who claims that he has never even looked at another woman is a liar (or an aberration of
nature.)

The sincerity of love should not be judged by the abstract evaluation of internal thoughts and feelings. A man's love for you should be judged by how he treats you, how he values you, how he protects you, how he acts to advance your needs and your dreams, how he acts selflessly to promote the quality of your life. If you judge him adversely because of a passing thought, you have passed a very harsh judgment.

[CarpetDenim]

@PrincessGrail Thank you

@OlderAndWiser My bad, I use the mobile app more often than not, and I’m unable to see picture captions on that platform. Still, you did say you weren’t defending that behavior later down, but I must’ve skimmed over that part. I may have delivered that point a bit aggressively, because at the end you used the situation of a guy checking out a waitress while on a date with his girlfriend to communicate the idea “It’s not that big of a deal, he went home with you so don’t complain.” I thought that seemed to be excusing it just a bit.

I’m not concerned with a guy cheating on me if he regularly checks out or sexually fantasizes about other women though. I’m not worried about him actually having sex with another woman, kissing another woman, flirting with another woman, or otherwise pursuing another woman. That’s not the problem I have with it. My problem, which may stem from my own insecurities, is that if he’s noticing other people, I must be doing something wrong. If we go out and he’s ogling other girls, then obviously I must not be doing enough to keep his focus. And if we’re at the point where when we’re having sex he’s in his own head fantasizing about it being somebody else, then obviously I must not be doing enough to keep him in the moment and wanting me. Nothing could ever change my mind about that, because nothing else makes any logical sense to me. If he were truly, consistently, entirely satisfied with me, he’d want to focus on me, not the random girls in his surroundings or the memory of past crushes or partners. I practice loyalty in thought and in action, and I don’t believe it’s unearthly to ask that my partner do the same, especially if my own thoughts never stray to anyone besides him, and if I’m doing everything I possibly can to keep his attention and his focus on me.

[OlderAndWiser]

Here is the problem you are having with this situation. You are assuming what he is feeling when he looks at other women because you know how you would feel if you were looking at other guys. That's what I meant when I referred to the Mars/Venus problem. You can't really understand what a guy is thinking or feeling if you use your female experience to interpolate what he is thinking or feeling.

Girls are not just guys with a vagina and boobs. We think differently. feel differently, respond differently, act differently, etc. How well would a guy do to figure out what you are thinking about something by relying on his male experiences and assuming that whatever he would be thinking in those circumstances is the same thing that you are thinking?

[ShortCircuit]

The extent of my regard for any other woman while in a relationship is a fleeting siezure of my unconscious attention. However, to the end of displaying my loyalty, I do not entertain my attraction in so that any discernible fantasy ever comes to fruition in my mind. Rather, I deliberately suppress any captivation I may have for her that is beyond a mere aesthetic appreciation--akin to a nude painting. Above all, I NEVER vocalize, or otherwise materialize my captivation for another woman. I reduce it to a glance followed by no internalization. I am in command of my own perception.

[OlderAndWiser]

So you look but you don't ogle and you don't allow yourself to be consumed by fantasies, right?

[ShortCircuit]

Yes, that and I make a conscious effort to even avoid anything beyond a glance.

[AlienParasite]

Well, it's the same with both men and women. We like to look to attractive people and to some even cause sexual desire. Instinctive feelings can be helped. Our actions however can be controlled.

So if both sexes look to other hot people even if they are in a relationship, then why is always seen as a men's behavior and always seen as something wrong? I believe women are oftenly more subtle when staring someone hot, while there are more men who stare for too long in a noticiable way. If a human catch their partner staring that way someone else, the common instinctive feeling would be a bit of jelousy, so that's why the first reaction tend to say that's wrong, even if it's somehow hypocritical in most cases.

[kevinN88]

I’m into relationship since last four years, I do see other couples and girl when I’m with my girlfriend. I see other girls at coffee shops, shopping center but not with other intention, I see them to compare my girl beauty and smart nature with them and later I also speak truth to my girlfriend about I was watching other girls and I noticed that you’re the best and I’m lucky to have you in my life, you are not like other girls,.
I see many girls like there dressing, new fashion, latest boots, and keeping this into my mind i tell my partner to do wear this or shop like this like other girl wearing. It’s not like that I am ditching my girl or getting attracted to other, I just see other girl just because I love my girlfriend and I feel very lucky after seeing all other girls that I have got the unique nature girl in my life.

Well this was my reason to see other girls, I am sure there might be many more other reason to see girls which I am interested to read further from you all.

[Maguel]

I often feel attracted to other good looking women. I may look at them but i have no intent on acting on that attraction. I'm satisfied with my current woman.

Naturally i do not look at other while I am with my girlfriend than what i would do when i'm with friends or alone.

I find it quite amusing how many girls think that their man wouldn't fantasize about other women. I once heard a saying that all straight men have fantasized about every single female friend they now and then some if you count in the random strangers they look upon but do not actually know and I think that this is not too far from the truth with a few exceptions added.

Some may call men unfaithful or pigs for this but personally I think that being faithful is about not acting upon those attractions.

It is absurd to think that someone would dictate what another person is allowed to fantasize about and judge them based on what goes through their mind.

[midnightmoon05]

I look at other women or men. This is just how we admire nice things.
An elderly man said to his wife... the day i stop looking, is the day i die. lol

I can't say I think about having sex with my exes. while with my partner.

I get the fantasy part, but I would not feel good if my partner is thinking of an ex. while in bed with me.

It would also hurt me to know that if I am an option.

[9teen]

It's disrespectful. One glance is fine, but keeping looking at someone else would make me feel like I'm a pigeon and I'd be ready to leave. I'd feel really disrespected.
To answer your question, I still find others good-looking but I don't feel attracted to them, because I'm already attracted to someone. I can't be attracted to different people at the same time nor do I fantasize about them. I'm only thinking about one person whom I love. I expect the same, that's a pure form of loyalty to me.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Yes, I think that's only natural. We're not robots. Just because you're in a committed relationship doesn't suddenly mean you stop finding other people attractive. If I see a hot guy, I will probably notice and check them out BUT I would never act on it if I'm already in a relationship and I would expect that same level of respect from any guy I'm with.

[CubsterShura]

For me, girl or boy, the thing is that certain things CAN cross your mind at times and that's ok, but what you should be doing is not give in to it
For example, my man could occasionally notice a very pretty woman and kind of discover himself looking at her. What he should do that moment is to look away and not let himself keep staring or look again and again. I think that one of the qualities of a true 'man' is having good control over himself in such matters.

[CubsterShura]

I know some people might say that I should do the same then. FYI, I do. I don't give stares at guys no matter how handsome they are, don't even make a lot of eye contact, maintain a good physical distance from males and immediately look away if a shirtless guy or a guy in shorts walk past me. The only time I'm looking at shirtless guys is when watching fitness videos on YouTube.

I've been doing it for long enough to be used to it. I don't expect my man to be a saint nor do I expect him to be equal as me on this matter but I can definitely demand that he maintains a level of decency with his behavior AND his gaze too.

[markscott]

Cubster: Martin Luther said: We can't stop the birds from flying over our heads, but we can keep them from nesting in our hair. Same goes for thoughts about people of the opposite sex, when we are already in a relationship.

[UglyestGuyEver]

You say you don't wanna persue other girls sexually... But secretly you do.. we all do... Males were programmed to spread our seed as much as possible... People who say they don't wanna cheat and are loyal are just pretending to be cos they wanna be seen as good people and liked more by society as a whole,..

Admit it dude, if it wasn't wrong to fuck other girls I beg you'd be doing it all the time, wouldn't you?
Or else why would you look in the first place?

[OlderAndWiser]

I look because, unlike a parade horse, I don't wear blinders.

"if it wasn't wrong to fuck other girls I beg you'd be doing it all the time, wouldn't you?" That's the point: I know it is wrong, I don't see myself as a bad person, and the test of a relationship is not whether you are tempted but how you respond to temptation.

[UglyestGuyEver]

I'm embarrassed now... I didn't look at who posted this question... Though I was talking to some. 20yr old guy, hey man... Ignore everything I jus said, I'm mostly just chatting shit cos of boredom

[UglyestGuyEver]

By the way I meant bet not beg... It was a phone error... Just throwing that out there... lol

[OlderAndWiser]

We're good!

[sassygirl13]

Seeing someone attractive is normal but staring and thinking to how sex would be with her is disrespectful to your current partner.
If you casually looked one glance you won't be able to fantasize but you were actively staring and letting your mind run wild.

[madhatters4]

i've been in plenty of relationships and can admit i've found plenty of people physically attractive and even found personalities of people very attractive... but never came close to acting on or even considering acting on those feelings

i don't think we can really stop finding qualities in people that are attractive even in the happiest and strongest of relationships

[ChetAtkins]

I like a little eye candy from time to time, but just to look at. Not taste.
That's the real reason they invented sunglasses.

[dragonfruitA]

I mean, sure, I come across a hot guy now and then, like today when I went out for a jog. But when I'm physically with my boyfriend all I can see is him, even if we are walking in the crowded streets. I'm sure he looks at other girls. But it doesn't mean anything unless he cheats. You're right that men are visual creatures and it's just how you are.

[dragonfruitA]

And to the girls down there saying the visual creatures thing is bull, there is actually a psychological explanation for it. The hippocampus, amygdala, and some other parts (I forget what) are different in men and women. One of the parts is what triggers us to be attracted to what we find to be visually attractive, and that is bigger in men than women. Look it up if you must.

[morimeme1]

Well, I am an artist, it is inevitable that I appreciate the beauty of others, both women and men, but I have never actually felt physical attraction for anyone but my partner, yet that might be because I crave genuine human connection not just looks.

[MittenstheGlove]

Humans have a natural tendency to believe the grass in greener on the other side because we have a natural psychological disposition for insatiability.

So, yes, in sure term I have fantasized about others while being in a committed relationship. Typically though, I just watch varying types of porn.

[MittenstheGlove]

I may have took it too far, but yes, I have felt attracted to others.

[aa180]

I've never been in a relationship but I know for a fact that I would 100% feel attracted to not just one, but a plethora of other girls even if I were dating someone. Loving someone does not somehow disable my natural human instincts and proclivities, and feeling attracted to someone is not even something voluntary. Whether or not you act on it as what's in your control.