Generally are ultimatums relationship killers?

[Anonymous]

Lets say you get so upset that you tell them ''IT'S THAT OR ELSE IT'S OVER'' and they end up doing it; chances are it won't even be a genuine change from the heart.

It's one thing if they are wasting money on drug (inquiring passed dues) and you've talked about that many times but another to put constant pressure into the relationship.

Generally are ultimatums relationship killers?

Yes

No

[boltfox20]

Generally, yes. However, this is mostly due to the context of said ultimatum.

In the example you pointed out, the ultimatum would be that the partner would either seek help with their drug addiction or the relationship is over. This may have been a slow-building problem, with the "clean" partner constantly adding pressure on the one with the growing addiction, warning them about the addiction and how it is affecting the bills as well as their relationship. If the partner with the addiction has genuinely been trying to break it but is failing to, the ultimatum could be a strong kick to push them toward a better solution or a higher resolve. However, it might also lead them to believe that their "clean" partner doesn't understand their situation and doesn't love them enough to try to help, just expecting results.

Most of the time, an ultimatum from a partner is sent for a reason that shows shallowness and a lack of affection. For example, there was one post on here that discussed one such ultimatum, "Take birth control pills or I am leaving you." An ultimatum such as this is the most common kind, and entirely uncalled for the majority of the time. If the partner required those pills in order to regulate hormones or some other potentially harmful condition, then it is a valid ultimatum, an attempt to shock the partner into doing the right thing. If the reason is simply, "I want to have unprotected sex without having children," then the ultimatum is uncalled for and usually a good reason for the other partner to end the relationship on their own.

The ultimatum, itself, is not good or bad. As with all things, context is very important.

[Miristheiss]

No, why?

Usually it is the act done that is probably the relationship killer.

If my wife comes home and says "I want to take a job as a stripper"... is me saying. I'll divorce you if you do that... the killer or her actually stripping?

Ultimatums aren't necessarily bad. They are often just the blunt truth.
To be honest... my wife even wanting to strip or being ready to strip and willing might be enough to cause a divorce even if she backed down because I was 100% opposed.
I'd be thinking "who the hell did I marry", "I thought I knew this person but I don't".

It depends on what the issue is about as to whether ultimatums are a problem or the behavior one party suddenly wants to participate in that is a problem. This is a gray area, not black or white.

[Asker]

With exceptions such as that and the drug addict example then yes that's obvious. I heard of someone giving his girlfriend an ultimatum that if she doesn't become a great chef their relationship is over or if she doesn't abandon her atheism it's over. In that case, those ultimatums don't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Ultimatums are kind of a stricter way to set boundaries.
If they cannot respect your ultimatum/boundary and did something against your set boundary, you gave them a chance and you need to take action to leave and “kill” that relationship.

[Asker]

and there are some thing that are common sense that they should already know better. For instance if a boyfriend purposely takes pictures of him clubbing, dancing and getting drunk with other women or calls another girl's mother ''oh my sweet mother-in-law'' that's not even worth an ultimatum. That would be a ''kick to the curb''. Someone would already know that's obvious disrespect.

[Wester1967]

"How dare you interfere in my girls night out! How dare you not want me to keep in touch with my exes. How dare you don't want me to have 3 dozen guy BFFs. How dare you don't want me to show off my wet see through bikini on instagram! How dare you not clean and cook for me! How dare you don't want all my GFs not to be single 304s who always recommend me to their F boys!
How dare you complain about the tattoo of my exe's name on my butt. Aiiiieeegghhh. You're so toxic/controlling/immature/insecure." Yeha , Keep it moving 304, and don't let the door hit you on your ass on the way back out to the streets

[Asker]

I believe some things are already common sense and basic respect. If they need to even be warned and given ultimatums on that... wow then I don't know who are they dating.
I don't think I would need to be giving an ultimatum if a boyfriend danced and got drunk with other women and called another girl's mother ''oh my sweet mother-in-law''... that would be blatant disrespect and an immediate ''get out now''.

[MTC29]

Ultimatums... OMG. I've been here on GaG for a while, and the numbers of men and women coming here to post about how he or she gave an ultimatum to their SO and it ended the relationship are endless.

If a person goes in with, "IT'S THAT OR ELSE IT'S OVER'', they must be prepare for a reply they don't want to here. And since it's an ultimatum, there is no where to go- you cannot simply undue it.

[ShonSRM]

If either a man or a woman starts tossing ultimatums around, other than directed towards actual emotional or physical abuse or something threatening the validity or value of the relationship, then it is pure manipulation and desire for power.
I had an ex-girlfriend very controlling over many years who bought a new dog in the midst of our relationship and told me that if I hadn't have liked her new dog that would have been a deal breaker for her. Well that behavior was the final deal breaker for me. You put an animal ahead of a human, you're out.
Ultimatums indicate insecurity on the part of the one doling it out. And insecurity is plainly emotional immaturiy.

[exitseven]

They alway choose the suspect behavior over the relationship.

[ChiPaPa]

Generally.