Do you tolerate Ultimatums in a relationship?

Question

Most people use ultimatums to get their way or to take control over someone , example if you don’t do what I tell you , I will leave you , I won’t give you sex until you do the chores like I told you to do? My ex use to pull this shit with me , that’s why she is my ex. Most people get confused with Ultimatums with Boundaries , A Boundary is something that is agreed upon with both partners an Ultimatum is a manipulative control tactic , So if your partner gives you an Ultimatum how do you respond? My advice is to leave them because when someone actually loves you they don’t give you Ultimatums , They are giving you Ultimatums because they are either screwing someone else or planning on screwing someone else, they are to much of a coward to be honest with you, they are trying to play victim , Don’t fall for this nonsense in your relationship , walk away from them and tell them to Go fuck themselves. When someone can point fingers at you before pointing fingers at themselves they are a toxic person that needs mental help , they see no wrong on their doing they only see what is best for them. Again how do you handle Ultimatums?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think there are toxic ultimatums and well-intended ultimatums.

For example, if there is something I'm doing that bothers my partner that is causing her to find me less attractive or to fall out of love with me, I'd rather her tell me so that I am aware of the issue and I can make a decision as to how I want to move forward. Her option is to give me an ultimatum, or to not say anything until she's entirely out of love with me and she leaves.

For example, there's a fitness YouTuber I watch who spoke about an ultimatum his ex girlfriend gave him. She said "if you get any bigger, I'll break up with you (maybe not word-for-word, but that's what the YouTuber entailed).

Most people would find that harsh or cruel. Personally, I don't see a problem with it. He is getting bigger and he is moving away from what she finds attractive. She could just not say anything until he gets too big for her liking and she breaks up with him, or she can tell him and let him make a decision.

Now, as stated, some ultimatums aren't necessary and are used, like you said, to manipulate people into doing what they want. And that's not okay. But not all ultimatums are that sinister.

JamesDiaz11 · Accepted Answer

I don't buy the female idea that "if somebody loves you they won't do (fill in the blank)." You can love someone and still engage in bad behavior towards them.

So, to summarize:

Boundaries= do/ don't do this, or (fill in the blank), and you both agree

Ultimatums= do/ don't do this, or (fill in the blank), and it's unilateral

Personally, I don't see the difference in your definition aside from the mutual agreement part. Boundaries can be as one-way as ultimatums, with only a single partner benefitting.

People have boundaries and things they need/ want in a relationship. If they don't get what they want they have every right to demand it, including demanding with a threat. Example: I want to have sex three times a week, and if I don't get that I'm going to leave, or I'm going to start withdrawing the financial generosity I show toward my girlfriend. A girl can say if you don't start doing more chores she'll withhold something from you.

While this shouldn't be the first course of action, i. e. a threat (do this or else), if it followed requests for the thing to no avail I think they're perfectly acceptable.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

If you feel as though everything has to be either or and you need to dictate the terms of how you think I should live in order to suit your personal needs, I am not the one for you. I'm not ending friendships, being told I don't love you because I don't want to move, using sex as some convoluted bargaining chip, being gaslighted into thinking your way is the only way that every one does whatever...no. Adults have conversations. They talk about things bothering them. They give reasons. They don't put the crap of past relationships on the current one.

Breanna_nonbinary · Accepted Answer

Nope. Ultimatums and tests are the two things I don’t tolerate. Ultimatums are a way of controlling someone with a threat. So not exactly the type of person I want to be in a relationship with.
As far as tests I’m talking about setting up a scenario to find out what your partner will do. It’s deceptive and can only lead to disaster. It means you will always be suspicious of them and question their loyalty. If you can’t love someone on their merits alone then you’re in the wrong relationship.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

If you submit to an ultmatum, you have surrendered control of your life. A partner who issues utimatums wants control and surrendering to an ultimatum tells them that this is a successful means of maintaining control.

sawno · Answer

If its a genuine ultimatum then yes I tollerate it perfectly fine. Can be a perfect last resort if she would otherwise have left and I prefer it since it gives me a chance to make it right.

However I can not be controlled by them since I am very much myself and very stubborn. So if she gives an ultimatum I do not wish to agree to the relationship would be over since i'd choose that option. Its only going to work as a last chance for me to do better. Not as a means of making me do something I do not want to do.

NathanDavis · Answer

never had one... but probably not? if a partner gave me an ultimatum... that would be mean that I'd have to be a worthless partner, lol

AdithyaR · Answer

Ultimatums are toxic. In any situation where someone gives an ultimatum, there can always either be a healthy way to communicate it or just leave and save yourself the trouble.

Agape93 · Answer

Nope. You try to control me, I leave. No discussion, no take backs, no backtracking.

LiamJHayden · Answer

No. I have a low tolerance for manipulation.

Anonymous · Answer

Depends what the ultimatum is. I might agree with her. But if it's just a power play on her part then she can just f*** off.

Anonymous · Answer

i would tell them to shove their ultimatum up their ass

WhitneySnow · Answer

No. Definitely not.

Anonymous · Answer

The only ultimatum i accept is no cheating.

melanieeeB · Answer

Nope

In_Trance · Answer

never

admles · Answer

Not at all.

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