Can giving your partner an ultimatum ever work?

[Anonymous]

[Finchie40]

Ultimatums are bad , because you are basically threatening someone to do something they don’t want to do to appease you , making you a selfish person , I know most relationships deal with ultimatums and sadly it can go both ways , My ex use to give me ultimatums by saying if you don’t do this then I am not going to do that , basically saying if she doesn’t get her way she is going to get it elsewhere , and that’s why she is my ex. Ultimatums are only ok , if the partner giving the ultimatum follows the same ultimatum they gave to you , My ex use to hate when I hung out with my friends , so she gave me an ultimatum by saying if I don’t spend more time with her then she is not going to be in this relationship anymore , So I put myself in her shoes and understood where she was coming from , so I distanced myself from my friends to appease her , but the second she made friends that I didn’t care for , she didn’t hesitate to choose her friends over me basically causing a double standard. So my advice is if you are going t give your partner an ultimatum , understand you need to follow that ultimatum as well or your relationship will turn to shit , Always wear your partners shoes before making decisions,, u defat and you can’t always be right and they are wrong , when you learn to remove selfishness for each other that’s where love grows , Your partner should always be your top priority over your friends and family , if you can not make your partner your top priority, they will not be able to do it for you period.

[Anonymous]

Giving your partner an ultimatum is generally not considered an effective or healthy approach to resolving issues in a relationship. Ultimatums can create a power dynamic and often lead to resentment, distrust, and further relationship problems. Here are a few reasons why ultimatums tend to be ineffective:

1. Lack of genuine choice: Ultimatums give the impression that there is no room for negotiation or compromise. It may force your partner into a decision they might not be ready for, which can lead to regret or dissatisfaction later on.

2. Strained trust and communication: Ultimatums can damage trust and communication in a relationship. Instead of fostering open dialogue and understanding, they can create an environment of fear, manipulation, and pressure.

3. Short-term solutions: While an ultimatum may seem like a quick fix to a specific issue, it often fails to address the underlying problems in a relationship. By focusing on the immediate outcome, you may overlook the importance of working together to find mutually beneficial solutions.

4. Resentment and negative outcomes: If your partner feels coerced or forced into a decision, they may comply outwardly but harbor resentment internally. This can lead to strained dynamics and an overall negative impact on the relationship.

In healthy relationships, open communication, understanding, and compromise are key. Instead of resorting to ultimatums, it is generally more effective to engage in honest and respectful conversations to find common ground and mutually agreeable solutions.

[Quackthulu2]

I have only ever heard of it working once. And I think that’s in a large part because it was a selfless ultimatum where as more often than not they are selfish in nature.

She told him that if he didn’t quit smoking, she would never kiss him again. he quit on the spot, cold turkey, after years of it.

[DizzyDesii]

Its a last minute resort and yes it has worked. I tried not to make a habit out of it because it can come across as manipulative. But i see it more as setting boundaries of what I will/won’t tolerate

[razelove]

It works as far as stating a bottom line. Most people will ignore them though. The things you feel strongly about, or touch your reverse scale are not objective and universal. Like I've only had ultimatums from women that involve jealousy, and have always immediately broken it off when getting one rather than seeing how it'll play out.

I've given them a couple times, and only when the other party is ignorant of their own actions or your feelings is it at all helpful. Again, something you feel strongly about may be completely ignored by someone else.

[DaveJord]

Never has work on me or for me. Usually not a good idea, unless you are 100% willing to follow through with it. An Ultimate is usually kin to a threat... like you better or I will... well if you are at the point that you are seriously willing to follow through with the I will part then go for it.

By the time things get to the Ultimate stage... your already halfway gone anyway and its all too little too late stuff.

[abc3643]

NOOOOOOOOO

Although you can make a legitimate threat, but don't ever do that unless you are willing to back it up.

The critical difference is if the ultimatum is about you being controlling or you expressing your limits.

For instance, suppose you are a jealous type and your boyfriend has good friends who are female. If you say, "If you don't unfriend them from Facebook, then I'm breaking up.", then that's controlling. He'd be smart to say "Fine. Then fuck-off already. I am dumping you. Now."

However, if you say "If I find out the next time you cheat on me, then I'm going to breakup." then that's legitimate because you shouldn't have to put up with his shit.

In the first instance, you are setting controlling limits on what is otherwise perfectly fine ethical behavior.

In the second instance, you are identifying a penalty for unethical behavior that legitimately jeopardizes the relationship.

[MysteriousDarkness]

Ultimatums in a relationship are a last ditch effort to try and save the relationship. It forces a person into being between a rock and a hard place. It throws away open and honest communication. It forces a person to accept the conditions whether they agree with any of them or not to stay together or the relationship is over. More times than not the one giving the ultimatum wants an aswer right then and there. It puts a lot of pressure on the person receiving the ultimatum. That most of the time ends the relationship.

[ZXCwWRQWz]

I always shoot the hostage and say I don't negotiate with terrorists. Your move, creep. Negotiating with terrorists is a lose-lose strategy in everything I've found so far.

[e232bm]

I don’t think it does. I think it causes tension. Giving an ultimatum… even if they agree you had to force them into it. It’s not what they chose themselves.

[OfMiceandMen]

I don't think one would want to play that card to often. It should be reserved for rare situations when there's no other choice.

[Blueeyes81]

I see it as manipulation. A my way or the highway type deal. I'm a stubborn old coot who hates being told what to do and an ultimatum would get you the opposite of what you were hoping to achieve.

[Agape93]

Rarely. Usually it's a death bell for a relationship. It's a sign that things are massively broken and not improving at all.

[qwert1234]

No.

People who do not want or care to change, will not change.

Either you accept or leave.

[Jazzy54]

No. It’s immature and petty. They will always choose the other option, the one that you don’t want them to choose (e. g. “it’s me or her”).

[Spade_01]

No, people can't be changed by others. It's ultimately up to their own on how they wanna be. Giving an ultimatum will only backfire.

[exitseven]

Sometimes things get to a point where there is no other course of action. Either she shapes up or I am gone.

[ohsheeT]

Only if you follow through but if you don't follow through they're going to walk all over you

[slatyb]

Work? It will work if you follow through. Either the situation improves or you are out of it.

[Pyrofox]

I don't wait for the ultimatum I just bolt if I feel like the tension is getting to "a head."

[LiamJHayden]

Perhaps on occasion or in the short term. Used too often, though, and the other person is likely to resent you.

[Fireguy17]

as long as you are prepared for the answer that you get.
They may just say fine, and leave.

[Nikki1989]

If you have to do that, you are already in trouble.

[MannMitAntworten]

Nope. Unless you are just seeking to be made single.