Has either giving an ultimatum, or getting one from your partner, ever worked in any relationships you've had?

[Anonymous]

[DishLady]

So there’s one guy who only functions with ultimatums. I’m not sure why. I presume he had a past girlfriend who was like this with him.


I don’t like the “do this or else” thing. It’s not the energy I want in any relationship. But I’ve had to give him two ultimatums over the past year bc he crossed two major lines with me. And I wasn’t giving them as any sort of “shit test” either. I was just trying to preserve both our dignity and infuse a little more loving respect into our relationship. Plus I'm dead serious about not tolerating anyone’s nonsense. I was ready to shut the door and walk away.


It seems now we have a truce, which is nice. Will it amount to anything now or in the future? Who knows. But now he knows he’s no right to be in my “world” if he’s not ready to be kind, respectful and considerate. (I didn’t like the guy who bulldozes through everything mindlessly….)


It’s a cautionary tale bc normally, having known him this long and knowing the crackling chemistry at this level is rare… we should have been wrestling the sheets by now (or nearly there), but instead I set my ultimatum, he (finally registered it and treats me nicely but) is now polite and teasing but somehow struggling for self control where the attraction is concerned. (Translation? The guy is still into me but won’t go further bc he wants stuff on HIS terms whereas the ultimatum was set that makes him feel I slammed on the breaks and let him go flying out the front window… you know?)


Picture it another way…. Guys like to drive, right? Let them. But if you don’t like their driving ask them to stop the car and you get off…. No need to argue or set ultimatums or anything. Why do I say this? Bc the guy is not a “fixer upper” he’s to be taken “as is”. That’s it.

[Asker]

This is a confusing response because you're saying you've given ultimatums to him, but yet you say, don't try to change them. If you're on ultimatum number 2, it seems like you're trying to change him and hoping it will stick.

[DishLady]

Sorry, no. I didn’t mean to confuse you.

I’m saying

1. If there’s a guy who requires ultimatums for everything and ONLY RESPONDS to them then you have to be ready to walk away. It’s not how normal loving relationships work.

2. If you set a boundary for respectful behavior and he complies. You have the right to be treated respectfully and to walk away if you’re not treated properly. In my case, when I walked away the guy started adjusting to a respectful style. If the style is not consistent however (and is just an act to keep me on the hook) then I have to walk away. This demonstrates that I simply will not tolerate abusive or disrespectful behavior.

3. 2 is quite different than if you tell him “stop talking to these people” or “stop helping those people” or “change jobs or else”…. That is just manipulative and annoying … and childish. A man is as he is. If you don’t like his people and habits don’t be with him. There’s another one down the fucking road….

[DishLady]

To clarify further:

1 = childish guy who shouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

2 = is reserved for a guy you have feelings for and who has feelings for you… you’re sussing each other out and he possibly has similar boundaries he wants you to follow.

3 = is childish and just shows you picked the guy poorly… go fish.

[Anonymous]

After six years of marriage to a man who was in the Navy and all of the driving to and from distance places to meet each other because we were both working at jobs that required us to be where we were, I said I couldn't do it anymore and I didn't think I could remain married under those conditions. I was tired of the effort that I had to put out. I asked if he could get out and he did.

It worked out OK. We remained married for 10 more years. But I think that request/ultimatum was reasonable. He could've said no and we could've divorced then.

Long distance relationships are far too difficult to maintain.

[Purpleronnie]

Ultimatums don’t have any place in healthy relationships. Should they be brought in to play then it’s usually the end or it at least signals that the relationship is already circling the drain. I personally see them as Divisive , inflammatory and abusie adjacent behavior.


Forcing your partner to make a choice suggests you don’t value their feelings or opinion but ironically without commitment which only pushes problems down the line. Who’s to say that the choices given are even correct and don’t just suit personal agenda Furthermore It speaks to control and coercion and that doesn’t sound natural or healthy. Forcing a deal-breaker decision with me would always result in the dissolution of the relationship as I won’t be dictated to on my choices.


Good communication and talking around feelings openly with partners is just basic respect and I would never push anyone into a corner. How could I possibly expect them to feel seen , valued and respected by me if I were to treat them so poorly..

[Asker]

I think these are all fair points early in any relationship but I'd argue that an ultimatum given is usually the result of a partner failing to observe the others feelings, and communication towards them, to the point where it's obviously reached a boiling point. For example, if you've said to your partner this behavior hurts me, let's talk about it. Now this is the 10th time you're having the same conversation---what more are you supposed to do at that point if not give an ultimatum as they clearly have no desire to listen to you or to solve the problem? How much more can you communicate something to death before it's a legit relationship problem that needs solving.

Now if it's a month into your relationship, and you're like change who you are or I'm out, well, walk because that's crazy.

[Purpleronnie]

Thanks for your reply , I can understand that some people may think differently to me and well as this is just my opinion thats perfectly understandable as we all have our boundaries in a relationship and the use of ultimatums is just one of mine. My reply to your point regarding feeling unheard or ignored the first 10 times that you expressed your feelings is that this STILL doesn’t mean there is reason to deliver an ultimatum. Assuming your have been clear in communicating your boundaries the last 9 times then this is just time for you to make your decision on what to do next not to force a choice upon them.

[Summeroflove]

You can’t force another human being to change for you. I get emphatic people project who they are on others they feel sorry for someone and think they genuinely want help. But really they feed off sympathy as well as want a enabler.

But if someone’s not happy in a relationship sometimes there isn’t even anything wrong with either person they’re just not right for one another point blank. You can hurt someoem by trying to change them into someone they’re not. Just move on and let both of you find someone more compatible.

[Asker]

...but aren't these the same people who complain that people break up and divorce too easily instead of trying to work it out? I'm not saying all ultimatums are good, heck no, but I do often think they are the end result of a partner's failure to listen to one's clear repetitive communication to them about something that is hurting them/their relationship. It can be the last ditch effort to elicit change or the help one find the door handle out of the relationship. I mean think of all the couples who have had to give an ultimatum about something like alcohol/drugs/abuse/cheating. I'm not talking about frivolous or insane ultimatums like you can't ever see any of your friends again or else, but sometimes I think there is a place for them in deciding ones future together which doesn't always end in lack of compatibility. Some people need to see what they are going to lose.

[Summeroflove]

There is a balance as well. There are people who don’t communicate how they feel that eventually leads to resentment later down the road.

Yes, couples do need to have tough conversations as well as some people need to walk away from one another while it’s easy. But at the same time some relationships can be worked out.

But you cannot FORCE someone to change.

[Summeroflove]

There are people who grow together and others who want someone to baby them along

[Summeroflove]

So if something is hurting the relationship there does need to be communication. But a lot of times it’s not communicating that
Leads to someone being angry and the other partner has zero idea why.

Some people expect their partner to read their mind. From early in the relationship to the end of it. They expect someone to read their minds instead of communicating.

At some point if communication is strong yes you can start to pick up on more subtle cues on one another.

[AI Opinion]

As a relationship coach with some flirty vibes, I'll let you in on a little secret: ultimatums can be like playing with fire! Sparks fly, but not always the good kind. 😜 They might lead to short-term results, but often leave a lingering taste of resentment. It's usually healthier to communicate openly and establish boundaries without the drama of a deadline. Love should be about choice, not pressure! So, what do you say we ditch the ultimatums and focus on keeping the love alive instead? 💖

[GetJinxed]

Sometimes, an ultimatum is a boundary. This is only effective if you are committed to following through, though. When my husband fell deeper and deeper into alcoholism and engaged in emotionally abusive behavior as a result of the drinking, after years of begging him to change and communicating my feelings, I eventually had enough. I separated from him and told him if he didn't change, I was gone. That was the push he needed to get help and finally go to therapy with me.

[glennos89]

@GetJinxed Great answer I totally agree with you

[GetJinxed]

@glennos89 Thanks! 😁

[glennos89]

@GetJinced And was the therapy a succes story?

[GetJinxed]

@glennos89 I'd say so. This was back in... oh, I'd say 2017. A good 8 years since then. Much has changed for the better, and I'd say we are both happy.

[HawkPerception]

I've given ultimatums before. Utimatums are sometims justified and sometimes not. Everyone has standards for a relationship. When the ultimatums are reasonable, it can benefit the relationship and when they're unreasonable, they can cause an irreparable rift which eventually ends in a breakup.

For the healthy ones, it can light a fire under your partner's ass and push them to get their shit together in whatever aspect they need to get it together. At that point in a relationship, it's do or die anyways.

But has it ever worked for me? No. And that's PART of the reasons my relationships failed. But if they weren't willing to change in that regard, it wouldn't have worked anyways.

So as I said, ultimatums can be good depending on what it is you're making it about.

[Asker]

I think this is a more even response. I have a hard line in any relationship I've ever been in, about respect. If we're in an argument, we can be mad, we can yell until we are red in the face, but when you resort to calling me a b*tch or using other derogatory language, like f*ck you, it's an immediate hard stop, do not continue. I will not be spoken to like that because I was raised to respect myself and others. I don't call him that, he doesn't get to call me that just because he's angry. Go walk around, go yell at the sky, go to the gym to run it out, but that would be an ultimatum for me----that you treat me with the same respect you'd give your grandmother, or we can't be in a relationship. And it's exactly as you say---if someone can't abide by something like that, then perhaps you were never meant to be in a relationship together anyway and it would have never worked out.

[Chazmatazz269]

Worked for me. I learned pretty early on that ultimatums are power grabs. I’ve told every girlfriend but the first that if she gives me an ultimatum, i’ll pick anything but her. I’m not one to be dominated by anyone, ever. Let alone a woman that i LET into my life.
I don’t give ultimatums. I do set boundaries. If she violates the dealbreakers, i leave. There’s no point in having boundaries if you’re just going to capitulate when they’re broken.

[Noirette]

You’re not an alpha, we’re not wolves. Women don’t have to submit to you.

[Chazmatazz269]

You need to improve your reading comprehension skills.

[jennifer_bloom]

I believe people respond to suggestions for kindness more than they respond to force or battle. Sometimes a person is too selfish to respond politely without force, but if that is the case, it is best not to deal with them at all, because people are rarely cooperative when they are forced to act correctly out of fear and not out of conscience or respect.

[Finchie40]

I was given ultimatums , but ultimatums do not sit well with me , unless she is willing to sacrifice something as well , if not then she is best to move on

[GoodManDave]

Nnnnnnnnnope. But I hate ultimatums when it comes to relationships, and most types will just make me do the opposite of what they think they want. I had a girlfriend who was showing all kinds of red flags. We decide to take a break (or I did, after she tried starting another fight. The girl loved making herself miserable (and trying to bring me down to that misery, too (which rarely worked)). I come over to talk to her after the week, she gives me an ultimatum that if we’re not getting back together immediately, I can shut up and leave… so I left.


I hate the silent treatment, I hate ultimatums. Talk to me like you’re an adult, talk to me like I’m an adult - someone you PRETEND to respect/love, at least.

[LifeHitMeandRan]

Nope. Got into an argument with a girl (calling her girl because she was too stupid to be considered a woman). I needed to walk away for a few minutes (like 5-10 minutes and I told her this) to cool off. She told me I can either stay and discuss it or walk out the door and never come back. I went out the window instead to be a smartass.

[Anonymous]

I just let go, I knew this relationship wasn’t meant to be because I wasn’t happy.

The choice was , “get it over with a small sting” or “walk 1,000 miles of agony”.

I put it in perspective, would she want what is best for me and would she want an honest relationship? Then dump her now for my better and it will be an honest end than a continuous lie.

[MemeSupreme]

yeah my last ex was starting to have a problem with drugs and his anger issuues. he was legit becoming borderline abusive

told him im not gonna put up with it and he has a month to get his shit together which he did

[Asker]

This is why I can't say all ultimatums are bad because there are some legit reasons for them. It's a final way to say I like/love you, but if I'm not safe, in this case, being around you, then yes, an ultimatum is necessary if the relationship is to continue. I think people make it seem like they are all bad, but what other choice do you have here, get punched in the face "hoping" things will change?

[JesseP1nk]

I dont think ultimatum is a right approach. That makes on party to "lose" and other one to "win". How they should continue this relationship where one side is humiliated. They are gonna feel resentment towards other person. So the best is always to meet other person in half way.

[Ironco]

I never give ultimatums, I don't believe in them.

If someone gives me one, I cut out all communication and move on.

No need in hanging around if they don't like you. Or try and change who you are.

But, that just might be the old German in me.

Has it burnt me in the past, yes. All I can do is move forward and onward.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I don't give ultimatums, it's usually pointless and a death sentence for the relationship.

That said, neither I believe in "fighting to the end" - relationships come and go and partners are replaceable.

[Lliam]

I would never comply with an ultimatum. No girlfriend or my wife every tried that on me.
But I am more than willing to sit down, listen to her concerns, make compromises and work it out.

[PeachyPie93]

No.. generally I think if someone gives you an ultimatum they don't actually love you and are just trying to change you.

[Anonymous]

Last week I gave my husband an ultimatum that if he wanted sex he better get home as I was starting without him and when I finished there'd be no sex, he returned home within 20 minutes to find me with my rabbit vibrator on number 3 orgasm.

[Miristheiss]

Contrast the difference between ultimatum and deal breakers and boundaries.

When is it one or the other?

[msc545]

Ultimatums are always accompanied by a stated threat for non-compliance.

[Miristheiss]

@msc545
So if a guy will not date a girl who does Onlyfans, it is a boundary if he keeps it to himself and then dumps her on the spot when she joins but he is giving ultimatums if he tells her he will dump her if she posts sex online and then dumps her when she does it?

[strateguy632]

Of course not! If she gives me an ultimatum i dump the bully on the spot!

[serious]

I don't know since I have always been single but in some cases giving an ultimatum might work

[Nikki1989]

I never get into relationships where ultimatums are needed.

[DrPepper12]

Nope. Fuck that.

[Vegasrunner]

Yea, there's two specific times that come to mind. But I typically give my women at least one ultimatum

[msc545]

I have never done this, and in my my opinion one would need to be stupid a a rock to do so. It is guaranteed to almost immediately cause a fight if not a breakup.

[glennos89]

That's nice to hear. I'm really happy for you because you deserve it! 🙏❤

[Dongie]

I have to say that girl in the picture looks just like my niece when she was in her late teens and early 20s.

[LiamJHayden]

I have never given one nor been given one. I would walk.

[Asker]

I've only known of one friend to do this and it's because her boyfriend developed an alcohol problem that was affecting how he began to treat her and to take care of himself, it was get help or I'm out. I don't think they are all bad because sometimes one of the couple really does need to hear the this or that riot act, but yeah, for dumb stuff, I'd 100% walk too.

[OlderAndWiser]

Not in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Relationships when healthy are balance. Power plays are the perfect storm to damage a relationship.

[Sal_Monella]

Ultimatum is incompatible with voluntary relationships.

[Anonymous]

I have only been involved in a ultimatum once. I thought about it overnight and then dumped her the next afternoon. Best decision I ever made.

[Blackcat1952]

Amazingly, the few that I had. We never had to go through that

[qwerty2469]

Lol. No. Terrorists give ultimatums and only cucks give in.

[queenofcardio]

I've never given one or gotten one yet.

[AviatorTom]

Nope.

[Anonymous]

It depends what it is.

[Anonymous]

I never had a relationship.

[MsKoffee]

Not really it backfired actually.

[FreyaRed]

No...

[Anonymous]

I don't do ultimatums

[MannMitAntworten]

Nope.

[Friendlybro79]

Nope

[dudeinohio]

Nope

[BarryLiverstone]

Yes.

[zombiewoof]

Never