If A couple breaks up but the agree’s to try again in a few months later after they’ve had time to heal, Should both sides stay single during this?

[Anonymous]

My Ex-fiancé and I recently broke up. 2 and a half years down the drain. Well, she broke up with me. So The short of it is we were together for a long time, and living together for a little over a year and a half. We moved in together because it was a long distance relationship and it was hard on both of us not being in close proximity with one another on a consistent basis. During our relationship we discovered that we both had some toxic behaviors. Those behaviors eventually tore us apart and she left me. And after a couple days of me not speaking to her, she contacted me saying that she would like to try again in a few months after she’s had time to heal from the “trauma” of the relationship. I. E. I hurt her bad enough for her to require that. And for us to both go to therapy to work on our toxic issues before we got back together. I agreed to those terms. I told her a few days later: “I am going to focus on myself and improve my toxic behaviors for myself and us.” I then told her that during this “space apart” I am not going to be talking to or having sex with anyone because I am basically holding out for us. In my head, though we’re not together anymore, we’re going to therapy to fix what tore us apart so that we can come back together stronger. With that mindset, I asked the same of her. For her to not talk to (romantically) or screw” other guys, After all, if she really wanted to get back together, she could promise to be “loyal” to me as I am being to her. But she wouldn’t. She said “I’m not yours anymore, I belong to myself and You have no right to ask me that.” I am not actively looking for anyone is all she’d say. Anyway, After I asked that of her she got mad at me, then proceeded to hang-up on me on the phone. Then broke up with me for good via text. Classy. What do you people think? Was I wrong for asking that of her If I was willing to do it?

[hahahmm]

I think she lied to you when she said you could get back together in a few months. This is exactly why she was angry about you asking for loyalty. I agree with others that you're not entitled to loyalty from someone you're not with BUT her reaction was over the top when she's the one who claimed you can get back together in a few months. She was really planning on getting drilled by multiple dudes & hoping to find a better dude than you while you're being a sucker and waiting for her. When you asked for loyalty she was caught out so she decided to just bail 100% at that point. I don't think she had any intention of improving herself either.

It's true that two people who aren't compatible today, might be X years in the future. But you should never intentionally wait for somebody or promise them anything. It's not in your interest to do that once you understand that there's always more women out there. She dumped YOU. Think about it. She should be begging to come back to you, if anything. You shouldn't be asking/begging for jack.

"I am not going to be talking to or having sex with anyone because I am basically holding out for us. In my head" - You have not had enough time to process/reflect/and mentally realize that it's over. Don't try and go after her. Move on. Unfortunately if this was the first time you were in love it might take a lot longer. It gets easier over time tho.

[hahahmm]

And don't feel bad... you'd be way worse off if you married this woman and she dumps you. Getting married isn't cheap. And getting divorced is way more expensive than that.

[TrueConfection]

I agree! This sums it all up.

[Browneye57]

You're just a lot nicer and more explanatory that I was. LOL
He's been dumped for the cock-carousel.

[hahahmm]

@Browneye57 Yup.

[JCrockett]

You did the right thing. You asked of her no more than you expected of yourself. And you didn't make the mistake of assuming she felt the same; you sought clarification.

You were also right to feel that way to begin with. If your separation was truly in service of strengthening your long term relationship, then a few months of infidelity would not be part of it.

If she reacted that way to the suggestion of fidelity, then you've dodged a bullet. She was definitely going to sleep around, during that break, and probably already had. In any case, she proved her lack of commitment. She was too entitled to her own boundless freedom to ever be a compatible partner in the long term.

[Asker]

It really does seem she simply wasn’t interested in promising me the loyalty I wanted both of us to demonstrate because *Drum Roll*…. she was no longer loyal. The more I look at her refusal, the more her actions speak for themselves.

[OlderAndWiser]

Either break up and go your separate ways without looking back, or don't break up. This sounds like silly drama.

[Xoxocutekitty]

Should is always an interesting word.

Out of curiosity, is one party requesting exclusivity from a point of insecurity, where they know their partner has the better ability to 'get' sex or be promiscuous and are incapable of handling this newfound promiscuity or taking the opportunity to explore their own sexuality?

Exclusivity doesn't really mean people are going to 'work' or come to the realization what makes something work. Sometimes, the ability to accept that people 'handle' things differently and the ability to forgive them for making 'different choices' to get to the 'right' or agreed upon conclusion is all you need. Being exclusive might be the thing that YOU need, but no it is NOT a universal commandment. Some people need the opposite, the chance to explore, realize the grass isn't greener, or realize it is!

There's no right way to build a relationship except where both parties agree. A person who genuinely believes the earth is flat has no business being with someone who constantly challenges, belittles, and tries to change their world view.

[Asker]

I guess It might be insecurity. But whether it is or isn’t, I wanted that commitment from her because I was giving that commitment to her. I don’t see myself wanting her anymore if she goes and starts dating another guy not even a month after leaving me. This wasn’t just a girlfriend, this was my fiancé. I built my life to be intertwined with hers.

[AviatorTom]

Yes, you were wrong to try to force your morals onto her. Her response to your asking her was exactly what it should be. The best relationships are where each partner respects the other; that sometimes leads to disagreements, arguments and fights, and that is why maintaining a relationship is hard work.

In hindsight, it would have been better to tell her that you were not interested in anyone else, and leave it at that... without asking her if she would do the same. She may have just told you she felt the same. But you pushed her over the edge and she broke up with you... for good.

[Asker]

No. I told her what I needed and expected of her if she wished for us to be together in the not so distant future. Rather than do that, She broke up with me. Why? Because she wasn’t loyal. If she was, she wouldn’t have had a problem staying single like I was.

[Asker]

Hindsights a hell of thing.

[AviatorTom]

By doing that, though, you basically attacked her, thinking that she would have sex with other guys, when there is no evidence of that. Attacking someone for something they haven't done is never good. It's too late for her now. In your next relationship, stop trying to control her and let her be herself... you might be surprised to find out that's exactly what you want.

[aussieguy19]

Should they stay single? Well it's personal choice.. not everyone will stay single or not hookup with someone in those few months. But if you do stay single and don't hookup, it means that you're committed to healing yourself and the relationship, wanting to make that relationship work and you're loyal af! But all this takes communication, time and will power. Both of you have to be willing to accept each other as is as if or change!

[Asker]

My question was if I’m willing to stay single and be exclusive or “loyal” to her, Is it fair for me to ask the same thing of her? We broke up and agreed to go fix ourselves so we could get back together in a few months. I asked her to stay “loyal” to me as I was being for her by not talking to or sleeping with anyone, and she refused. Then broke up with me. She said she was not committed to me therefore couldn’t promise me loyalty. I wanted her to be loyal like I was during this space between us. I would no longer want her if she started a relationship or hooked up with someone else during this time that we were supposed to improve ourselves for each other.

[aussieguy19]

I answered the question by saying "it's personal choice". But I'll answer it again by saying "in my eyes, yes it's fair to ask the same of her".. But it seems like she doesn't want to. It may be difficult to believe it and even let go of her. Hell.. even I still have feelings for my ex, but I have never taken back an ex because I have never seen an ex do the work to heal toxic behaviour like projecting trauma, laziness, alcohol/drug addictions, etc... I know that I'm not perfect either, but I do the healing work. How does the saying go.. "once bitten, twice shy". There's also another saying "when one door closes, another one opens". ☮️

[aussieguy19]

If it's not reciprocated, don't feed the energy.. you'll heal faster and stronger concentrating on yourself ☮️

[Asker]

Wise words indeed.

[Seangreen]

If you break up but agree to start seeing each other again after a certain amount of time it's not really breaking up so if there's an agreement to just take some space nobody should be dating anybody in between in fact I would just say the fact that you were going to even contemplate that, it's already over

[Asker]

I never had the thought of wanting to see someone else for that exact train of thought that you just said. But her? I didn’t get that same vibe from.

[Seangreen]

Look man I'm going to tell you this anytime a girl wants to take a break or have space or something it's over. They do that shit so that you wait for them while they go look for a new guy because if you were to get a girl before she met somebody or something it would fuck her up but she's trying to fuck you up women always do this I learned the hard way to don't let it happen yourself again man

[Asker]

That’s…evil. Seriously. Messed up. But I hear you.

[Seangreen]

Dude hoes are scandalous they try to find the guy before they leave your ass because they can't deal with the break up so they already get something going with him then they break it off with you and then they don't have to think about you and then that whole time you're thinking about how you're going to work it out and it's all in vain it's cuz hoes are weak they're low and they don't know how to handle situations so they always take the easy way out that's why they don't get along with each other either cuz there was stabbed each other in the back over a guy usually

[BCA6010]

You should both just move on. You weren't right for each other, and take those 2.5 years as a learning experience rather than a waste.

[Anonymous]

It's a bad idea and it's unworkable. Much better to say you'd like to think we could meet up at some point in the future but for now you need to let go of one another to let yourselves heal and grow.
If one of you find yourselves in a new relationship, so be it.

[humpbackjack]

Yeah you guys weren’t together so you should of just left it alone and figure if it was something she really wanted then she wouldn’t be messing with anyone else and if she did then she wasn’t really interested in getting back together

[Asker]

I don’t like to assume anything in life. It’s come back to bite me more than once. I wanted to make sure her And I were on the same page regarding staying single for one another. She proved we weren’t by refusing to be single. If she hadn’t broke up with me, I would have left her.

[Drumlin2001]

If you're broken up, they can do what they like. People deal with situations differently, if one of them wants casual hook ups or even a rebound relationship that's their own business

[Asker]

You’re absolutely right. And I can wish them all the best because at that point they made their choice. And that choice wasn’t me. I won’t be someone’s second choice or “back-up”.

[LZPanzer]

If you need to "heal" from each other then the relationship is probably toxic

I think it's time you do some self reflection.

[Asker]

I realize I have some toxic traits. As did she. As did she realize that. That’s why we had agreed to go to therapy before getting back together.

[LZPanzer]

Imagine you could taste those toxic traits. Are you willing to stomach that for the rest of your life? Every single day?

Hopefully you aren't married

If you are married it may be worth trying to work things out

[Asker]

We were engaged. Well, not anymore obviously. She made sure of that. It’ll be fine though.

[LZPanzer]

If you want to push through you can, just do some soul searching first bro

[LZPanzer]

Out of curiosity what toxic behaviors are you complaining about?
What toxic behaviors do she complain about?

[Asker]

Mine:Not a very good communicator (I wouldn’t remember the things she said sometimes), I wouldn’t always keep my word, and I have a bit of a temper.

Her:Shuts down in arguments; refusing to communicate, Speaks condescendingly During Conversation, and has trust issues.

[LZPanzer]

Ok, at least there is no big whammys.

Your temper is definitely the worst thing in the lists.
Work on getting that under control, but the others on your end don't seem toxic. Negative for sure but not toxic, improve on them if you can.

On her side. Shutting down and refusing to communicate sound like it's a direct response to your anger.
The problem as I see it is this separation isn't going to do anything to alleviate the condescending speech or trust issues.

[Asker]

No. It wouldn’t have. The points moot now, though.

[LZPanzer]

It's not moot there is a point.

Your question implies you don't know if you should wait for her. You sound as though you want to get back together once she "
"heals"

But from her perspective it sounds like she has little if any intention to come back.

When you asked for a promise of exclusivity, she flatly refused. 2 reasons for that blunt refusal. 1) she sees the relationship as dead. No reason to limit herself. 2) she doesn't respect your request. It abetts her condescending attitude toward you. Means she doesn't respect the relationship.

Theory A
She's very much done with you but fears invoking your ire. She hopes to time apart will temper your rage.
She seems to me to be clearly reacting to your anger issues.

Theory B
She doesn't trust/respect you and/or the relationship and wishes to remain non committal for her own reasons

[Asker]

Ah. A bit of both theories I think. I had said it was a moot point because she broke up with me permanently a couple of days ago. When she refused to be exclusive. Her refusal said it all. I’m not her first choice. So I’m no longer a choice for her. I no longer want her is what I’m saying.

[LZPanzer]

I think that's probably for the best. Try to work on your anger issue. One thing I'm very sure of is some of the behaviors you didn't like were a direct reflection of your own behavior.

[LZPanzer]

The only thing I find odd is the condescending speech. All that does is stoke your anger. Perhaps just natural incompatibility?

[Asker]

More like passive aggressiveness on her end.

[hannny]

I think you did right and if she can’t agree with that she clearly is not invested anymore give up she found someone else but she still wants marry you because she see good qualities still lol but what fuck some guys before :)

[Asker]

It’s a no for me.

[Browneye57]

You're a moron. She just wants to fuck around. PERIOD. NEXT!

[Asker]

Do me favor, guy. Go troll somewhere else.

[Browneye57]

Hits a little too close to home eh? You're a fucking moron dude. You've been duped. The bitch is gone, I guarantee it. And here you are whining about it. FAIL

[Asker]

And…blocked.

[Browneye57]

Eat shit moron.

[mobiusforniner]

browneye, truth always hurts. And for the fairy boys on GAG, it REALLY hurts.

[Browneye57]

@mobiusforniner - yep... another fairy boy. Or 'girlie-man' as I like to call them. Seems like Schwarzenegger coined that one. Maybe he just said it on air. LOL
He thinks he's going to try again. LOL
"She likes sex alright... just not with YOU!"

[Hangry06]

That is up to the couple. Some choose to experiment and some choose not to

[EaterPeter]

Yes they should stay single

[EaterPeter]

They should try that approach with professional help.

[EaterPeter]

combined with or start with professional help

[EaterPeter]

Lately I think of SPMC. Structured premarital counseling for all who want to live with each other

[Asker]

Her and I BOTH agreed to go to therapy for professional help for our issues to strengthen our relationship when we got back together. Seems like she was really just talking though. I doubt she was ever going to go through with it.

[EaterPeter]

You go anyways. She goes or not is her choice. That's what I did and it worked out well for me.

[EaterPeter]

Keep trying, keep asking her if she wants to join. Solo therapy is different than couple therapy. Both have their own advantages.

[EaterPeter]

Presuming you have means to support yourself through therapy. Are you supporting her financially even when separated?

[EaterPeter]

Kids?

[EaterPeter]

You two have any kids together? Or from previous relationship

[Asker]

No kids. We are separated now. And no longer talk to each other. Zero contact.

[EaterPeter]

What was the reason to separate?

[EaterPeter]

It's your age to learn buddy. In youth we learn in age we understand

[jimmy2]

Yes if you going to try again

[linka_pat307]

Yes,

[emperor90]

Yes they should