Why my fiance won't marry me til I get a job?

[Anonymous]

He said he's just waiting for me to get a job. Feels like an ultimatum, like if we were married and I lost my job then what? He has enough money to cover us til I get on my feet again. Isn't marriage for better or worse? By the way been out of work because I've been hospitalized so yeah there's that.

[caring__1]

It's too easy for people to give empty promises. When I met my ex-wife, she claimed she wanted a career. Over time, all I saw were excuses, and she never worked a day during the marriage. She finally ended the marriage because I wasn't providing enough. I refused to live beyond my means, but she was more than willing to do that. All she ever really wanted to be was a dependent.

You're telling your fiance "Trust me." Can you imagine how scary it is to blindly trust someone who puts forth little to no effort. I'm not hearing you say he expects you to have the same income as him. He just wants to believe he can expect an equal effort. Considering the cost (both financially and emotionally) of a divorce, it is understandable that he needs more than promises.

It's like women who say, "Just trust me... we will be sexually compatible." How many of those women who refuse to let their partner know in advance whether compatibility exists in that area are willing to let him keep his financial condition a secret before marriage. People need to stop saying "Trust me" and start showing the same investment they are expecting of their partner.

[Asker]

Pretty much will contribute

[caring__1]

You may believe it, but there is no track record to reassure him. Just do what you can do to reassure him with actions rather than words. The more you talk, the more he'll feel you have something to hide. Communication isn't about being heard but taking time to show the other person you truly want to understand his/her perspective, so that perspective can be included in whatever decisions the two of you make together.

[DaveJord]

@caring__1 I heard yeah brother been there done that. I always raised my daughters to believe, you don't need no man that doesn't have a job, and he doesn't need any women that can't take care of herself... so never become dependent on a man.

[DaveJord]

Honestly I am on your fiancés side. Legally if he marries you without a job then he becomes finically reasonable for you. For better or worse sounds nice, but it will not hold up in court... he will have to assume responsibility for all the debt and pay alimony and you might even come after his retirement accounts.

He has no reason to believe that if you do not work now that you will ever get a job or work. Its 2022 and not 1950, women are expected to pull their weight. If you really care for this guy and are not just looking for a free ride you would get off your ass and get to work. If I could go back to age 20 before my first and only marriage I would of demanded the same or told her to take a hike.

[Asker]

I'll go back to work work when I recover, lol all these answers make it seem like I won't pffft

[DaveJord]

Well I am not making any assumptions about you. But I had a wife once, she worked, begged for kids... never made enough money to pay for day care so she stayed at home until the kids became school aged. She did work 14 years out of the 22 year marriage. But she never held a job for more then a year or two, until the bullshit and stress of work became too over whelming for her. She quit her last job just 1 month short of getting her full certification, she had a master degree... didn't work the last two years of the marriage. Then I got feed up with all the excuses and issues and divorced her. I am not paying $1,186.00 a month in alimony to her. It easy to say you can't do something or and there is always an excuse to not do something... but at the end of the day I always taught my daughter that they;

"never need a man without a job, they should never except anyone to provide something they can provide for themselves, and they should never allow themselves to ever become dependent on a man."

[Asker]

Dang man, sorry to hear

[Buntyp]

Answer: Because you already think that he should be paying your way, and he pretty obviously wants you to contribute to the cost of your lives together. What about if he gets hospitalized?

[Asker]

Then I'd get a job

[Buntyp]

You should know that the longer you stay out of work, the harder it is to get back in. That's just reality. Employers look for people with consistent employment history. Even if it's just part-time, do something for work. You'll like yourself better, as well.

[EmmaMary]

He's obviously waiting for you to show and prove that you're fully committed to this relationship, and not going to be some pathetic parasite.

[Asker]

I have to prove something even though I'm engaged nice... If I get fired then what?

[EmmaMary]

Being engaged means nothing at all if you are not contributing in building your future together.

If you were actually married and then unfortunately lost your job/employment, then that is a different matter altogether.

Purely out of interest, are you actively searching for work right now?

[Asker]

Yes, but just feels if I did lose a job then he'd try to leave

[EmmaMary]

You are just using this as some pathetic excuse.

Get a grip, get out there and start making something of your life... Period.

[Asker]

No excuses over here, period

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHGirl.

[boggboss]

Because him covering u till u get back on your feet could easly be abused plus a marriage is supposed to be sharing of things if he is paying for everything u are not contributing so he wants to wait to a point where u can also help towards it

[Asker]

I would

[boggboss]

So get a job and show u can contribute if u got fired later on it would be differnt because it shows u have shown so far what your intentions are but trying to get married whilst u bring no income in ain't gonna look good

[Asker]

Lots of folks do it, my brother did it. Not saying I wouldn't contribute but seems like people worry about "what this person brings to the table" too much

[boggboss]

Lol a marriage is a pretty big thing what u bring is important if your view on it is u shouldn't have to bring what he does why not find someone that thinks like you most people are not willing to legally attach themself to another person that is not equally providing

[Asker]

Probably, if I said he needs to do this before marriage I'd be asking for too much

[boggboss]

If u said he need to do what

[Asker]

Anything in particular

[boggboss]

Lol well that's down to the man u picked marriage should always come with conditions its not somthing small that u need to essently go to court shows how serious it should be taken

[Timi_pinnacle]

Marriage is for better for worse but you have to share the same objectives as he does. You do need to show also that if he lost his job, you can cover for him till he gets back up. So the sentiment still gets back to you , The economic situation of the times we are in requires both parties to be able to bring something to the table if not as a necessity to the day to day running of the home, at least as a backup for emergencies.

[Asker]

I understand people want help with bills, hey I'd contribute. Just saying if I got fired from a job then what? Gonna leave?

[Timi_pinnacle]

Obviously you have to have a job before you can be fired from one. From the original question, you seem to imply that you don’t want to work and you don’t need to work. You just want to be his wife and be taken care of. That mentality doesn’t cut it in the current world. Yes there are a few lucky people who find that kind of relationship, for majority, the mentality is that both parties are ready to work for the financial stability of the family.

[Asker]

Yeah I didn't imply that at all lol I don't just wanna be "taken care of" I mean yeah couples do take care of each other but I'd help out. I have goals too even tho I'm not well at the moment

[cookiecrusher]

Nobody wants to marry a bum.

And nobody should take care of another grown ass person.


He has his hopes and dreams too, that he needs his money on.

[Asker]

He'll take care of this bum or so help me

[cookiecrusher]

You have no power here!🤣

Women control the access to sex, men control the access to relationships.

[Jamie05rhs]

Can you tell us more about your medical situation, please? I want to hear you out.

[Asker]

Got Covid with nerve damage can't walk

[Jamie05rhs]

I'm so sorry. That's terrible. :(

[Hanrej]

Would YOU finasially support your husband?

[Asker]

Yes sirr

[Dragonstarterplus]

Get a job ya bum

[Asker]

Can't now, yes?

[Wise4myage]

Makes sense to me.

[Asker]

Alright then