My boyfriend of almost 5 years says we can't get engaged before living together first. Is this just an excuse?

[shirinfer]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and 8 months. Since he didn't bring up anything related to our future together, I decided to bring up the topic of marriage last summer. I asked him if he had any plans of getting married in the future and he said not at the moment, saying he wanted to focus on his career.

Recently, we once again had a discussion a possible engagement and we ended up not speaking for 2 weeks or so due to an argument. We only recently started talking again and I asked him why he was so reclutant to even get engaged as a first step. I wasn't necessarily referring to marriage but felt that an engagement would be a sign of his commitment and our relationship becoming more serious.

My boyfriend said he didn't want to get engaged before we 'did' more stuff together to see if we were compatible, e. g. travelling more, living together etc.

I don't understand how after almost 5 years together he feels the need to live together first before even proposing as a first step. I feel like he should know me by now and know that I love him. I just feel so disappointed that I'm on the only one wanting to talk about the future.

Is this just an excuse that he is coming up with so he can avoid an engagement and possibly marriage down the line?

[Hulk_kitty]

I personally think he does want to get married to you, but he doesn't want to at the same time, he probably thinks women have all the rights when it comes to getting divorced, He was probably worried that if things, were not going to work between you, that you take every thing from him. Which doesn't happen a lot.

I can understand your concern, this is the reasons I don't want to get married either. I think he is leading you on, but not in bad way, more so he is scared of marriage, but scared of losing as a girlfriend.

Also I personally think, marriage doesn't always dictate your love for love someone.

An answer I got from chatgpt, and your boyfriends reason came up, for reason of divorce. It seems he is legimate in what he is saying to you, rather than excuse. I asked about divorce, and which gender causes more of divorce rates.

However, studies and data do suggest that the most common reasons for divorce tend to revolve around issues like communication problems, infidelity, financial difficulties, and lack of compatibility. These issues can arise in any marriage and are not inherently gender-specific.

[Hulk_kitty]

Consider looking for a compromise that satisfies both of your desires and concerns. For instance, if he's concerned about compatibility, you could discuss options like living together or taking more trips together to address those concerns. This way, you can take gradual steps toward a more committed future.

Discuss setting a timeline. If commitment is important to you, talk about a reasonable timeline for when both of you might feel comfortable moving towards engagement or marriage. Having a clear timeline can help manage expectations and provide a sense of direction.

If your discussions become emotionally charged or you find it challenging to reach a resolution, you might consider seeking professional help, such as couples counseling. A neutral third party can provide guidance and facilitate productive discussions to work through your issues.

In summary, while your boyfriend may have legitimate concerns, you also deserve clarity and a sense of commitment after nearly five years together. Open and respectful communication is key to making an informed decision about your future as a couple.

answer from chatgpt.

[DaveJord]

So, I have always said that I will talk about living together without at least one year of dating... I will not talk marriage until we have lived together for at least one year. And I always say I do not want to live with a woman, unless it's with the intention of getting married someday.

But I would agree with you, that after 5 years together if marriage is something this guy wants, then I would ask you to marry me, and then move into together.

So, obviously the only explanation is that he doesn't want to talk marriage and he is stalling. He is happy with where things are and wants to keep it that way.

Why is that? Hell, I do not know, but I was married once and I am not excited about doing it again, but I would with the right woman... so, you might not be the right one to him, or he might have been raised in an abusive household.

[justkoala]

I thin, It's essential to approach this situation with open and honest communication. Your boyfriend's desire to live together before getting engaged may not necessarily be an excuse, but rather a personal preference or a reflection of his values. People have different reasons for wanting to cohabit before making a lifelong commitment.

Living together can provide a deeper understanding of each other's habits, routines, and compatibility. It can also help both partners assess whether they can successfully share responsibilities and space in the long term. It's not uncommon for individuals to view this as a practical step before engagement or marriage.

However, it's equally important to have a candid conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings and concerns. Ask him to explain his reasons for wanting to live together first, and share your thoughts and desires regarding the relationship's future. This dialogue can help both of you better understand each other's perspectives and make informed decisions about your relationship's next steps.

[provokeesmokee]

Nah, that's a legit condition for many folks. Myself included.

I don't intend to marry someone I can't live with. Though tbf that might be changing - I'm ok living nearby if we both own properties we don't want to sell or leave.

But 5 years and not moving in to get those extra steps in sounds like he doesn't intend to marry you. Maybe not for a while, maybe not ever - impossible to tell.

If you don't want to wait, then propose moving in and propose to him yourself.

Otherwise, consider if you may be happier pursuing someone else who is in a position to marry. Because it sounds like your boyfriend isn't interested. He wants a career right now, not a marriage, and he doesn't sound like he can accommodate both.

So if you want marriage more than you want him, you're likely better off moving on.

[coachTanthony]

This is the situation where you will waste two more years of your life until you figure out that for him "you ain't the one"... then unfortunately for you he will meet someone else and after 6 months to dating them he will be engaged. Why? Because Men don't need more than 6 months to know if you're the one. They want to take you off the market as soon as possible not play house together.

[Radiate143]

Can I add that even before that, they decide with moments if you are even a girl they will engage in experiences with that will help them determine if you are the girl they want to marry.

[DarkWinterNights]

@Radiate143, With few exceptions, this is very true.

[Radiate143]

@DarkWinterNights yes, there are always exceptions but people shouldn't rely on those.

[MzAsh]

What have y’all been doing all this time for him to be so hesitant? You haven’t traveled together yet? Get on it. He should know by now whether or not you’re compatible.

[Paris13]

Sure. He is making lame Dick Excuses in Procrastinating Anything That is a BIG COMMITMENT... Rethink this Dink... Welcome to Gag and Best of Luck. xxoo

[BCRanger10]

He doesn't want to get married. If after five years he doesn't know if you're compatible with each other (and for the record, you don't need to live together or have sex to find out if you're "compatible"; marriage is much bigger picture than compatibility), then I have to wonder what he's been doing and thinking all this time. He's leading you on.

[shirinfer]

Yes, you're absolutely right.

[DizzyDesii]

Sounds like a bunch of excuses to keep postponing. he's enjoying the free milk bt doesn't wanna buy the cow. I understand if y'all were high schoolers dating 4 years before engagement. But in my late 20s+, that would be unacceptable to me. If he can't bring himself to propose after like 2 years then i’d begin to think he just wants to shackup. I personally dont want to live with anyone until at least engaged. But even if i do, it would likely be as roommates with separate rooms so it doesn't feel like shacking up

[Anonymous]

You need to decide for yourself if this relationship is worth proceeding with. He could be telling the truth that he feels that he needs to know what you guys are like as a couple once you move in together or as you say, it could just be an excuse that will eventually end in no proposal anyway.

Forget what he wants for a second, and think about what you really want and what's really important to you. Instead of arguing about that, really sit down with him and explain your way of thinking and then open your ears and allow him to speak freely and really express what his needs are and why and try to understand his POV. If it doesn't match up to your goals for your future together or you feel this is just a sign of more disappointment to come, then you have to choose whether or not, you will stay on the journey with him.

[AmeerX]

It's black and white this woman is duped

[Radiate143]

@AmeerX correct.

[AmeerX]

@Radiate143 you are young. Please don't wait years on a man. If he loves you make marriage your priority.

[Radiate143]

@AmeerX I got hard knocks early on. No one wastes my time. Especially not me.

[AmeerX]

@Radiate143 hard knocks?

[SweetSouthernGal]

Depends on how your dating arragement has worked for those 5 years.

If you're meeting once a week then, reality, you'd been dating for 260 days, not even a year. Which when he says he wants to do more things together - such as travel, etc. - is quite a good possibility.

You see there's two types of men in the world. Just as how there's two types of women.

There's women & men who'll marry anyone that pays them the slightest amount of attention and marry them quickly despite the fact that you're not even friends, you're strangers. These sorts of people typically end up divorced before their 10th year.

Then there's

Women & men who actually want to know the person they are dating - do things, go out, see how that potential partner is in different situations to see if they're actually worth marrying - and again 5 years sounds impressive but if you only meet in a blue moon you've barely dated.

[AmeerX]

That's just a good excuse. First age a girl to 30+ and then dump her in a lame way.

5 years he can't decide? What kind of a man is he?

Max is 6 months limit to get engaged after dating. If he can't decide on it by then then sorry you are stuck in girlfriend zone. Anyone says otherwise is just a fool ready to cry years later that she spend years in and he didn't marry her and now she can't have kids blah blah blah blah

[AmeerX]

@Radiate143 at least I am not an Angel but when it came to love matters, I never treated anyone unfairly.

[RingOfFire]

I think he is doing you a favor. You can't really know a person or how you will get along until you live with them. He is being honest with you up front that he doesn't want to make a commitment until he knows if you are going to be compatible. That shows that he takes the commitment seriously.

[Radiate143]

He doesn't want to marry her.

[Staximus]

This guy has commitment issues. After 5 years, you two should already be living together if it's a serious relationship. Living together before marriage is a good test to see if it will work and it sounds like the relationship isn't that serious.

[molonski2]

Honestly? He has already decided , you can't force someone to marry you , or begin the process , you are in essence pushing him away , he doesn't want to marry you , either just break up , or stop forcing this issue , if he were ready he would ask , he can't be forced.

So you decide? I had someone do this to me , insist on marriage , I just cut her clean , nothing is more off putting.

[DevikaButts95]

Could be. Could also be pretty rational and logical. I wouldn't want to marry anyone without living together first. Why haven't you guys moved in together yet?

[KC-Sunbeam]

Throughout history respectable people did NOT live together before marriage. They both lived with their respective parents. Then the young man prepared his own place for the young woman. Then they got married & then they immediately lived together right after.

[Anonymous]

Normally people after being together that long do live together. And his saying that he wants to live together first makes a lot of sense. Iiving together is a massive deal it can literally break a relationship so why would you want to get engaged before that jt doesn't really make sense, to me at least.

[HelpfulWoman]

I get it from his side. Living together is a total game changer, even if you think you know the person.

[lightbulb27]

Its possible. The argument over the subject is an indicstor of some emotional fear.
Time to check w therapist and resd some books. Look at svoidant attachment style.


there's no reason he couldnt get engaged… other than fear.

[Radiate143]

He's been your boyfriend for 5 years and you're bringing up marriage? Alright.

[Nirmroth]

No thats just smart. Living toghether and experiencing what its about is very important. wouldn't want to marry anyone before not living at least 2 years with that person.

[Twalli]

I told my girlfriend that I wouldn't propose until we've lived together for at least a year.

[In_Trance]

He's been with you 5 years!!!
How is that not an indicator of commitment?
Did you meet in Church?