Why my boyfriend doesn't want to get married?

Question

We are together for 5 years and never broken up.. I was waiting for him to propose me but he never insisted so I couldn't hold myself and asked him what are his thoughts about us and marriage.. He says he doesn't want to get married because there is no point. He says that it is not necessary in a relationship and we already live together. I started to question myself. Is it a dream that people put in my mind? But I always thought that eventually I will get married. Should I give him an ultimatum, or is he right? I just dont understand why he doesn't want to get married.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

It sounds like you have come to an impasse.

You want to get married and he is completely on the opposite side of this. He doesn't believe in it, or think it's necessary. You've been waiting for several years for him to propose to you and it hasn't and will not happen.

Giving this man an ultimatum over an issue that he doesn't believe in will accomplish nothing. However, telling him YOUR feelings about marriage and why you want to be married are valid.

For some people, living together is the same as being married, and they stay together a lifetime. For others, they want the proposal, ring, paper, wedding and familial connections.

I think you should have a final drive at explaining how you feel. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married.

Marriage and living together are, more often than not, NOT the same for most people because, if you're only living together, either of you could pack up and leave at any time. Marriage is usually a little more permanent, and takes some thought and serious action to exit.

It's been five years. Most statistics show people deciding on a permanent arrangement between 18 months and five years. Past that length of time, it's unusual that they'd change anything in their relationship.

So now is the time for YOU to decide if you want to stay with this man if he doesn't want something as basic as marriage with you. You deserve to have what you want in your relationship. But you two disagree so completely on this issue, my hopes for you are slim. You could both go to a counselor and talk this over with them and see where that takes you.

But think seriously about if this man is who you want to spend your life with if you disagree so completely over such a fundamental relationship issue.

XHopelessRomanticX · Accepted Answer

In my opinion, marriage is something far more profound than a piece of paper, a party, and all the legalities. To me it is the joining of two people into one; two incredibly unique individuals coming together and becoming one unit, one family. I believe marriage truly is holy matrimony.
I don’t know what your views on marriage are, but it’s pretty clear that they are different from your boyfriend’s. He’s not a bad guy for not wanting marriage, and you’re not wrong for wanting marriage. You are just incompatible in this, what I think is, a really important thing. The desire for marriage comes down to whether or not you value it, and your values are different.
I don’t think it’s worth giving him an ultimatum because it’s only going to foster resentment. But I do think it’s worth thinking about whether or not you want to move forward with him, knowing that it would mean giving up this dream.

madewithingredients · Accepted Answer

basically, what's more important to you?

marriage, or him?
being married? or being with him?

seems like you can only choose one.

do you want to marry just be a person who is married to someone? or do you want to marry him specifically? why?
sounds like you guys already have a common-law marriage anyway so yeah he kind of has a point that there isn't really a point.
what's the point of giving him an ultimatum? are you actually gonna break up with him he says he still doesn't wanna get married? are you gonna actually be happy that way? if marriage is more important than being with him, just break up with him and find someone who actually wants to be married.

you both understand that you want different things regarding marriage. he hasn't broken up with you about it. if I were him, or well I was him, and I told my ex girlfriend I don't wanna break up, but you're wasting you're time with me if you want to get married to someone, so you ought to stop wasting your time, you need to break up with me, and go find someone else to marry you. I didn't say it to be mean or anything, or because I WANTED to break up. I had to say it because I wasn't gonna lie to her, or let her waste her time on me, because if she needs to be married to be happy then i want her to find that.

the fact that he hasn't said something like that to you, makes me think that an ultimatum might actually work. maybe not right away, but if you break up with him, I bet he'll change his mind lol.

Levin · Accepted Answer

I am very much surprised that after 5 years you have reached the point where you have just had this question raised.

That might indicate that something is amiss.

I mean, relationships are about communication, compromise, sympathy and care towards each other, moving forward on the same page.

Is there any issue here with communication? See, yes, you both feel a different way about marriage. But you're not really exploring your feelings. So, you want to get married for a certain reason. Is he aware of what that reason is? ie maybe you feel romantically about it, always dreamed about it, or whatever? He doesn't want to get married, are you aware of the deeper reasons? ie maybe he has been hurt in the past, has cynical views due to seeing relationships break down. Maybe he is part of this new male movement that is very cynical about male female dynamics and thinks marriage screws men over? The point is, it doesn't seem you're communicating here. You're just both existing in this relationship with different expectations, wanting different things. But there is no coming together of feelings.

You both need to talk man. A lot.

HollyK21 · Answer

Never give someone an ultimatum, that is just you being in denial and trying to get what you want out of someone who isn’t offering it. If you want to get married one day, then make the hard decision to leave him, and wait for someone to come along who wants the same thing, because this is something you should never sacrifice solely for a man. Like if you wanted to have children one day and he didn’t, would you rob yourself of ever being a mother to stay in that relationship? I would hope not.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Marriage means a commitment from which he can't simply walk away. Living together means "pack my bags and I'm outta here!"

guitar · Answer

Navigating a relationship where you're ready for marriage and your partner isn't can feel like you're stuck in limbo, and it's totally understandable to feel frustrated or confused. There could be a bunch of reasons why your boyfriend might be hesitant about taking the plunge, ranging from personal beliefs about marriage, fears related to divorce (maybe he's seen some tough ones in his family or among friends), financial concerns, or he might simply feel he's not ready yet or that the timing isn't right. Sometimes, it's also about enjoying the current state of the relationship and not feeling the need to change it.

Here's a little roadmap of what you might consider doing:

Open Communication: This is key. Have a calm, honest conversation about your feelings and ask about his hesitations. It's important not to make this a confrontation but rather a chance to understand each other better. Try to listen as much as you talk.

Share Your Views: Make sure he knows why marriage is important to you. Sometimes, people don't realize the significance of something until it's clearly laid out.

Find Common Ground: See if there's a compromise or an alternative that satisfies both of your needs and concerns. Maybe a longer engagement, a commitment ceremony, or some other form of commitment works for both of you.

Consider Counseling: Sometimes it helps to have a neutral third party. A counselor or therapist can offer tools and strategies to communicate better and address any underlying issues.

Evaluate the Relationship: If marriage is a non-negotiable for you and he's adamant he doesn't want to get married, you might need to take some time to consider if this relationship meets your long-term needs and desires.

Remember, it's okay for marriage to be important to you, just as it's okay for him to have reservations. Sometimes, with a bit of time and discussion, perspectives can shift...

JacobJordan · Answer

Allow me to help you understand what will happen if you give him an ultimatum. You will say "we either marry or we are breaking up" he will either end the relationship immediately if he is smart or he will cave and then hate you for it and you will get divorced in a few years. Now allow me to explain why he doesn't want to get married. You as a woman have absolutely no reason to stay married and in fact have every reason to divorce him after marrying because the government has incentivized divorce. I'll tell you what you can do. You can bring up that you likewise agree that getting married is a bad idea on his part and it makes complete sense as it has been destroyed by shitty women. What you would like however is the wedding ceremony. Tell him you don't want to go to the court and sign papers or anything the part you want is the ceremony and the party. This way ending the relationship is like ending a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship you just break up and go your separate ways. This ensures he doesn't risk his possessions and wealth and you have no incentive to divorce him since their is no marriage. Legally

electromagnetic · Answer

Another gag member asked what’s the first question to ask when dating and I said, ‘ are you looking for marriage or to waste time’ this is why.

Ultimately you’re going to have to sit and decide what’s important in your life. Your own beliefs that one day you wanted to be married, or continue to be happy with him because that’s what it looks like y’all have.
I don’t think any gag members can answer this question for you but an ultimatum isn’t the way to go. It doesn’t do anything except put a wedge on your relationship. It’s not a dream but it is a beline course for many people. But there are also people happy in their relationships without the marriage part.

Your best bet is to sit with him and ask him for his reasonings for why he doesn’t want to be married. Most of the time, if you got with an open mind, they’re pretty valid. Again, especially if your relationship is already a happy one. Hear him out rather than argue.

sheikalana · Answer

You should've asked this question before moving in together with him. For some people marriage is not as important. An ultimatum is just going to ruin your relationship. You can try and talk to him why is marriage important to you but also be open for his reasons for not wanting to get married.

caitycat21 · Answer

Don’t bother giving him an ultimatum. He wasted your time, don’t let him waste your time even more. If you’ve been together for this long he definitely knew you wanted to be married eventually and still stayed despite knowing he never wanted to marry you? He doesn’t truly care about you and you deserve someone that truly cares about you instead of someone that you have to pressure to marry you !

BCRanger10 · Answer

Giving an ultimatum is not a good idea  at all. And consequently, this is one reason among many why living together prior to marriage is also a bad idea.  You get complacent, as he most certainly has.  Honestly, you're better off walking away at this point. You each clearly want different things and are just wasting each other's time.

Anonymous · Answer

After 5 years you should’ve been known whether marriage was in the works for y’all! Stop wasting time on men you know that don’t want the same things you do. Year 1 or 2 that should’ve been a conversation and plus he’s telling you out of his mouth he does not want to legally commit to you and he’s okay with shacking up because it’s convenient for him!

andreasderjuengere · Answer

Does HE understand why YOU want to get married? :) For now I side with your man: it indeed looks pointless to me as well. Myself, I live with my woman AS IF we were married. Where is the difference?

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

I have this nagging feeling in my head that wants to ask, why is it so important to you to get married when nothing will change but a piece of paper to tell you what you already know?

noohair · Answer

Men used to have to make a commitment to a woman for sex. That was love and marriage. Women wanted freedom and equality. This is the unintended consequence.

Simslover92 · Answer

If he doesn't want to get married and you do, you should probably just exit the relationship as others have stated.

NamerOfStars · Answer

So why are you asking US and not  him ?

boggboss · Answer

Give him a ultimatum but understand that it could mean the end of your relationship

MrDaveAPSI · Answer

Marriage is not necessary Religion makes us think it is, it's not! Women confuse WEDDINGS, with marriage. If you want a wedding, go ahead, but, marriage, isn't necessary

laly520 · Answer

clearly he can't give u what u r asking for time to leave

Anonymous · Answer

it takes a guy less than 2 years to know if he wants to get married to u or not , seems like he's just playing around , probably he's been cheating too

serious_miss419 · Answer

In all fairness, you should have not got involved with him if this is his view.  If you want more in life girl, damnit go get it!

LiamJHayden · Answer

I do not mean to sound harsh, but a guy who gets all the benefits of marriage with none of the commitment is not likely to commit.

Why my boyfriend doesn't want to get married?

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