I don't think I can do this anymore. How do I go on? I feel like ending it all?

[Anonymous]

So I'm 22, Australian and I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I'm burnt out. I've been seeing a clinical psychologist about it for 2 years now and in my second round of DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy). My psychologist is having time off atm as she has cancer and is having chemo and then she also just tested positive for covid while she was away (I am worried). I always tried my best in life. I graduated high school, went to uni for a bit before just dropping it as I couldn't hope, spent the last few years working, now working 2 jobs (I really need to), and I'm stuck in a really serious home environment. I've always tried so hard to stay on the good path, even though I have BPD I never ever got in to drugs and rarely drink alcohol and I don't smoke. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my dad though I still talk to him works a career that meant he has been away most my life, making things hard as he has been unavailable. My mother is very toxic and suspected to have BPD and Bipolar but not treated and she has dated a lot of crappy guys after her divorce. Her current boyfriend has lived with us since I was 15 or 16 and the moment I turn 18 and was in my last year of secondary school he started trying to sexually harass me. I remember he got really drunk one night when I was home alone and tried to get me to take my clothes off for him and I angrily stood up to him, my mum didn't believe me. When I was 19 or 20 he got busted trying to watch me shower and jerk off, I left home for 6 months and due to so many reasons and running out of options I had to go back home, my mum even took her boyfriend back after what happened and tells me to get over it. To this day I still live at home, turning 22, working 30 hours a week and some part-time study, usually I do therapy with my psychologist, I've even tried really hard to get in to the gym and train the last 18 months and I've lost close to 40kgs but I feel worthless. My life feels like it's a broken record.

[mark000h]

It sounds to me like you have goals and you want to do better. Why else would you have gone on through all that and still accomplished what you have accomplished. You graduated, you have multiple jobs, you are in therapy, you probably take medication, you take care of yourself and have lost weight to get more healthy. You have accomplished a lot in such a short time already and you can do much more. I think you are in a crisis and need to reach out for emergency help today. You might need some additional help to get you over this rough patch. As you know, things often look different later than they look at the current moment. Doing something that won't allow you to change your mind is not a solution to any problem. Please get help today. ☺

[boggboss]

Do u have any goals in life u have set that are attainable

[Agape93]

Find something you want to dedicate yourself to. Perhaps a charity, a career goal, having a family, raising an army of evil hamsters to take over Disneyland etc. And throw yourself into it.

[Asker]

I never plan to have kids. I like kids, but no way would I ever start a family, most especially in my mental state. Atm I just want to be well, make enough money and when possible travel the world. I'm so sick of this day in and day out shit.

[Asker]

Thank you for your words and advice tho. It is appreciated.

[Agape93]

I understand entirely. What do you want to do for work, if you had the opportunity?

[Asker]

I'm not sure yet. I'm not of state of mind and ability to commit to full time study right now but when well and able I've considered pursuing high education in arts and humanities, and youth work. Like being a youth worker or teacher.

[Agape93]

Would you like to help youngsters in need, like with education or helping them out of bad environments or perhaps in handling their own mental states?

[Asker]

Bits of both.

[Agape93]

You might look into psychology. You can help with their mental states and if you become alerted to abuse, you would be able to get them help with the authorities.

[Asker]

Maybe one day. I'm not in a good place myself atm. I also don't think I'm that smart.

[Agape93]

You can it will just take some time

[Asker]

Thank you

[Agape93]

Anytime hon

[PilotWhoPlays]

whatever you do Suicide is NEVER the answer

[pjnickles]

1-800-273-TALK

[Wunjo1]

Me too