• Do you believe in monogamous or non-monogamous relationships? • Which do/would you practice? • Why?
I believe in and practice monogamy. I value the exclusivity between 2 partners only, because I personally don’t think I would want to “share” or love more than one person in a romantic or sexual manner... I don’t believe in or practice non-monogamous relationships, however, people are free to do as they please.
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Do you believe in monogamous or non-monogamous relationships? Which do/would you practice? Why?
I didn't really start dating until I was about 16-17. I have over the years met and interacted with thousands of other human beings. Of those heaps of people, I have found many wonderful and valuable people. Not a single one of them identical to another, and very rarely are any of them even remotely similar. It's amazing to me how many different unique and beautiful personalities there are. Not just inner beauty, either, there is also so much variety in outward appearance as well. Different colors of skin, eyes, hair, etc. Different styles of dress. Different passions and interests. So much amazing variety, beauty, mysteries and perspectives.
I find myself falling in love easily with women. Once I learn more about a woman, she shows me more and more of who she is, I cannot help but see her for the unique individual she is. Usually this is a mutual experience (if not, that's fine, I lose interest if someone isn't interested in me, there is no chemistry and the romance dies), and she will also see who I am inside, the way my heart and my mind work, what I am passionate about in life. I fall in love easily, and I have been told I am easy to fall in love with. At this point, it makes sense to me that we are going to allow our bodies to express the feelings we have in our hearts; that is to say we feel close, intimate, we care about each other and we want to make the other person feel good. So we are touching each other, caressing, kissing, it leads to sex. To me, sex is an expression of love, it is a physical manifestation of an emotional state. When you are close mentally and emotionally to someone you are physically attracted to, it makes sense you want to "consummate" that feeling of closeness. It's our natural drive.
I think this is a mutual experience for people who are monogamous (mono) or nonmonagamous (poly). The difference is in the next step. Where mono people say "Okay this is great, this is everything I wanted, I am satisfied, I have no desire to experience this feeling with anyone else", I think poly people, or at least myself, think "Okay, this is great, and so satisfying, this is a beautiful feeling I want to share and experience with all of those women that I develop this depth of feeling with."
I believe love is beautiful. I believe beautiful things are meant to be shared. I think being open and inclusive is preferable to being closed and exclusive. I have been like this in my life not just romantically, and it has worked out well for me. For example, when I am having a party, I invite everyone. Even if it's not a close friend, or someone I just met. I want to give them a chance to be friends. If we are too different, that's fine. Or if they are shy, they won't come to the party, or maybe they come and start a fight, and I don't invite them next time, but at least I gave them a chance to come and to enjoy interacting. After throwing so many parties, inviting hundreds and hundreds of people, what did I learn? What happened? What happened was the coolest people I know showed up early to prep, brought some food or a game, stuck around after to help clean up, we had the best conversations, we hung out more and more. The ones who were shy or otherwise didn't show up, I never got to know them well. The ones who started fights or were rude or boorish, I kept them at more of a distance in the future, and invited more new people.
Life is a wonderful experience, and I don't want to close my doors to possibilities. I am okay with a little rejection or drama, I can sort through the tough times or difficult people; to me it is worth this trouble to find the gems in my life.
I don't want to ever have to tell anyone I love "Hey, I love you, you know that. But I'm going to stop loving you, I'm going to stop expressing my love for you. Why? Because I met someone else special, and I want them to feel special, so I'm going to make sure they feel special by cutting off my love to everyone else but them. I'm going placate and feed in insecurity, jealousy and fear and allow those things to dictate my actions." If the only way you can feel special and loved is by hoarding someone's love all to yourself, I think that alone should be a wake up call as to what you think love means and why that's something you want in your life?
This kind of attitude doesn't make sense to me. It's not healthy in friendships, to require your friend to cut off all other friends. It's not healthy in a family, to pick the one sibling, parent, or favorite child that you "really love" and to shun your other children and let them know they can't have the special love that you've reserved for just one child.
I think monogamy makes sense because our world is full of uncertainty and fear. The same way people hoard money and resources, scared they are going to starve, end up homeless or poor. They hoard love, worried they are going to be left out in the cold, alone and unwanted. Unfortunately, I see this "starvation model" of love is a self fulfilling prophecy, and more and more people are lonely and even when they do get in a relationship, the fear never stops. The insecurity of knowing that person can only choose one special person, and that choice might change.
This is the beauty of polyamory to me; I will never tell someone they need to be afraid that I will find someone else to replace them. I may find someone else, it's true. It's actually really likely, in this amazing world of variety and beauty that I described in the beginning. But it would be impossible for me to replace any of my love (s). They are unique, special, amazing, and no one I could ever meet would diminish any of that. That''s as crazy as not appreciating a full moon because I saw a sunset, not enjoying a roller coaster because I swam with dolphins, or promising that lasagna is the only food I truly love, and I will never touch a huckleberry cheesecake again in my life.
I found your perspective enlightening until you started the holier-than-thou rant when it came to monogamy. Monogamy isn't the result of fear mongering; that implication is a bit disrespectful to humans who prefer monogamy and other animal species that are naturally monogamous, but you're entitle to your own opinion because you've probably seen or have been in some horrible relationships.
What's it like being monogamous? Our love is tailored, specially fitted for each person. A majority of people whether monogamous or polyamorous don't fuck their entire family, all their friends, mentors, etc, there are just some people who we love that don't fit that romantic/sexual category (and that's okay), so our love for them is platonic. Even you you mentioned you have friend, but then you have your coolest friends who help you out. Monogamy is having more cherished platonic relationships than romantic, which doesn't diminish the quality of our love, but make it unique to each person we bond with outside of sex.
Why is romance so exclusive? It's simply apart of our core values; we want to build our own family. It's not about withholding love, because we can still love others platonically. It's about building a future with someone who will always be by our side throughout that journey, with or without children.
The true problem shouldn't be about which is right or wrong, but understanding the difference enough to navigate your own wants and needs. There are far too many people out there who are monogamous or polyamorous in the wrong type of relationship; then you have people who don't have the mental stability or emotionally maturity to handle any type of relationship, which results in a variety of abuse, uncontrolled jealousy, and deceitfulness.
@SkyCastle90 Thank you for the feedback, and you're right I get a bit soapbox-y railing against monogamy, when really I do see that it works for many people. It's a bit of a retaliation from all the hateful and distorted comments I get from monogamists about non-monogamy: it's a bit of a reflection and saying "hey, look, it's easy to point out ugliness and flaws in monogamy, too". But 100% not representative of all monogamous relationships. I just see those roots of insecurity and fear A LOT when I'm having conversations with monogamists about the troubles in their relationships.
I do also think a fair number of mono people DO withhold love and feelings; I've had countless conversations with monogamists who are torn up about the feelings they are developing for a new person they met, but they are forbidden from acting on them due to their current "contract". Often what happens is they feel it necessary to break up with their current partner because their feelings for the new person are so strong, and the framework of monogamy does not allow for exploration of a new romantic relationship while maintaining the current one.
To me, this "serial monogamy" is an unfortunate loss of connection between two people (the original couple) due to what I see as a flaw in the system, rather than in the hearts of the people involved.
I never saw the point in hooking up with the goal of sampling as many women as possible. After all, every woman looks different, but their bodies are essentially the same. So what's the purpose of sampling as many as possible? Is it the thrill of conquest or aversion toward intimacy?
I preferred meeting pretty women with hot bodies, falling into mutual infatuation and engaging in long-term, monogamous relationships in which we liked each other as people, craved and adored each other's bodies, engaged in voracious, unbridled sex, learned each others turn ons, and could be playfully uninhibited with each other. THAT'S when sex gets good. And in a relationship, can go places, do things together and enjoy each other's company. You can kiss, hug, grope and titillate because you adore each other. And you can have sex whenever you want - even a spontaneous, hungry bj or quicky in random places when you are out and about.
For years, I had no intention of getting married, settling down for the rest of my life or raising a family. In that sense, I guess my girlfriends were like friends with benefits. But I really like exclusivity. And maybe, deep down, I WAS searching for someone I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. That's what I actively started pursuing when I reached my mid-30s.
I finally met a particular woman when I was 40. We got married when I was 42 and she was 39 1/2. Both of us had been in relationships before and experienced life, but neither of us had ever been married. We both took marriage VERY seriously and looked at it as a lifetime commitment. We've been married now for 25 years. 100% monogamous. We are best friends, partners in life, and lovers. We trust each other completely and have built a good life together.
I gave this a lot of thought over the years because you have people saying humans aren't meant to be monogamous.
Before I jump into it, what is polyamory to me? Polyamory in my opinion is the practice of having three or more partners who are all involved with each other exclusively. The thing is, I've never loved more than one person at a time, ever. One thing I hear about polyamory is that there will be a moment where you will love two people or more at the same time. That sounds impossible to me, but for some people it is very real and I respect that.
As for open relationships, in my opinion the practice of taking up new partners temporarily or long-term on a whim with your primary partner being aware of it but not involved, is not for me.
Fair enough. Sometimes you have a V shaped citation though. My ex loved me and another guy at once, later she loved the other guy and a third guy but not me. I never loved any of them, I'm not bi. But it would have been wrong of me I feel to deny her that love. So she got her V instead of a triangle. You have to all interact of course, but you don't necessarily have to all love each other. A Z shaped situation is also possible. Or something even more complicated.
But yeah, loving more than one person might not happen to you if you don't fall in love easily. For it to happen you have to fall in love once, happen to do so again while the first relationship is still ongoing. Meaning that you have to find someone you *can* love while you already are in a relationship and probably aren't looking. And while we don't control our feelings it might be harder to fall in love with someone if we don't open our hearts to them, if you get my meaning.
This is so fascinating. You hit the nail on the head because I absolutely thought of polyamory relationships as cornered shapes where everyone has feelings for each other and can share one another, basically interchangeable partners. Also, I assumed everyone participating in polyamory was bi as well, because I couldn't imagine it working any other way.
Where you lost me at is: Searching for someone you can love while in a relationship. To me searching for more romantic partners while having one is unnecessary. I'm not bi in the slightest, and I never wanted more than 1 man romantically.
Even when I was a child entering puberty, I only crushed on one boy at a time. However, I've encountered girls back then who had a list of boys they liked at the same time and couldn't pick between them, and I couldn't wrap my head around it.
Also, I'm sorry that you had to experience that hardship.
@skycastle90 the interesting part about what you said to me is "I've never loved more than one person at a time, ever. ". As a polyamorous person, I am wondering, what happened to your love? This bothered me even when I was just a youngling starting out, and still practicing monogamy. The example I would give is I would see a couple so lovey-dovey, couldn't separate them, kissing and talking about how much they loved each other, being attached at the hip. Then a month later, I would run into one of them and ask about their partner, the response being such vitriol I never heard before in my life. They HATED the person, wanted them dead, actively thinking about how to hurt them or wishing great pain upon them. I thought even then how strange this was, what had happened to their supposed love?
For me, love is a completely different and more sustained and consistent experience. If I love someone, I don't just toss that "love" in the trash and it never existed when someone new comes along, which is what seems to happen with so many monogamous people. I find it so ironic when monogamous people talk about fidelity, loyalty, and faithfulness, when they are so quick to toss someone out that they used to say they were in love with, and forget about them and those supposedly deep feelings forever.
Honestly, I believe that both can exist and be practiced.
The being said, I know myself and I wouldn't do well in anything but a monogamous relationship. I would be jealous or questioning how strong my relationship with that person is versus the other person.
I don't think there is anything wrong with anything other than monogamous. They can be successful relationships. I just know I'm not capable of making it work.
I'm entirely monogamous. I only dated one woman at a time exclusively, and I'm married now and value fidelity deeply.
In my case, I think it's tied to my masculine ideals. I envisioned a great man starting from boyhood as ultimately one who leads and protects his family; he's willing to fight to the death to protect his wife and children. I think that's what makes a man great. I don't fault men who fall short of these ideals, and I fall short too (that's why they are ideals).
Yet these personal masculine ideals of mine are bundled into monogamous ones. So I had them even as a little boy. My idea of becoming a great man is like Maximus in Gladiator:
He is a family man who adored his wife and children who were taken from him. He would have fought to the death to protect them. To me, that is the ideal man. That is the type of man I always wanted to be even as a little boy. He's also an amazing leader:
I don't know where I got this set of ideals and values from exactly. My parents didn't teach them to me and my parents divorced at a young age. I also had lots of arguments with my parents and teachers about these masculine values and ideals even as a little boy. My classmates thought I was too bullheaded about honor and fighting and protecting.
I think it's possible that I started with a lot more testosterone than usual; not that I have more than most men now but that I just had it very early on. That manifested physically in the form of muscles and facial hair; my father had to teach me to shave each at 10-years old since I was growing much more than peach fuzz already by then. So I think I had some sort of early testosterone spurt, and so I shaped my values and ideals around my instincts. I thought the noblest way I could channel my aggression and fighting spirit was to use it to protect people, and above all else my family.
If someone were to try to strip away my masculine ideals though, they would also strip away my monogamous ones. They are bundled together. Life is definitely more fun and adventurous charming and sleeping with as many women as possible. That just contradicts my masculine ideals.
I also think monogamy is the most natural way to be. I know that's contrary to orthodox ideas and even science given how our sex drives function more like machine guns than sniper rifles. Yet for the bulk of our evolutionary history spanning over a million years, we lived in very primitive and harsh conditions just struggling to survive in the wilderness. How many women and children can I effectively look after in those conditions? One woman and a set of children is already a full-time job for a man in such conditions, especially if he's willing to fight to the death to protect them from harm's way.
One thing I should mention is that my post might come off as boasting, as though I picture myself as the greatest leader and the most macho of men. I don't; I fall short to my own disappointment. I'm an alcoholic, I'm an idiot, I'm impulsive, I'm reckless. I'm not talking about who I am; I'm talking about who I want to be.
... but fidelity comes easy to me, and being a drunkard and extroverted type, I'm not one without temptations. But the last person I'd ever hurt on this planet is my wife. I can't think of any greater way to fail as a man than to cheat on my wife. I might as well become a serial killer and see myself as less of a failure as a man than to do that. So my values and ideals strongly prohibit non-monogamous behavior. I don't put my wife on a pedestal but there's no greater inspiration I find to be good to a person, and faithful to the strongest of my values, than her.
I would request you read my answer and think about it critically for a moment. I believe in conditional monogamy. Men and women achieve sexual mean value (SMV) very differently. Women are born with most of their SMV and can enhance and extent it via exercise and a healthy diet. All women reach their SMV peak in their youth and thereafter it decreases (hitting the wall), this is in part due to decreasing looks but also due to competition from younger women.
Men on the other hand increase their SMV through work, and acquisition of resources, sure you can be gifted genetically and be lucky to be born rich, but you have to prove yourself among other men via your hard work. So men's SMV starts at near nil, and increases with age and tapers our or at times can keep on increasing.
The ideal match therefore is between a young woman and an older man, where her value has peaked or about to peak and his is increasing. That way he gets to enjoy few years of her peak beauty and in return gives her a lifetime of commitment and resources and even sexual monogamy.
However, as is the case, most women want to get with the already established man, then he has no obligation to remain monogamous because the women did not make an early investment.
I felt I was always philosophical even as a kid. I've always thought that hookups, one night stands or even friends with benefits relationships were never going to be able to give me happiness.
I've always thought that finding 1 person who grew extremely close to you, shared all future experiences with you, and became a new part of your family was the one aspect that would make me truly happy.
But recently I feel like I've almost gotten to the point where I give up on that. Girls seem to leave a relationship on a whim any time any little thing comes up nowadays. No one seems to have the "through thick and thin" mentality anymore. And they can find someone in a second as soon as they leave it due to dating sites being a thing. Although I haven't had one myself as of yet, I've also come to understand hookups and prostitution a little more. We all end up dead anyways. Why work a shitty job that you work your ass off for, when you can make easy money doing something you enjoy and live luxuriously. Everyone is so scared of being labelled a slut or hoe. I feel like too many people don't really ever come out of their shells because of that. Prostitutes and people who enjoy hookups have a dangerous level of freedom, in my opinion. I'm 28 right now and if I don't find a partner soon I may just join the dark side.
Monogamous, because "non-monogamy" isn't an actual relationship, at all. That's just being a f*ckboy or a whore, and being too immature/selfish to not sleep around endlessly with strangers well into your 30s. It's pathetic in my opinion. If you're going to sleep around (which I don't care about, if you do), at least call it what it really is and stop trying to convince yourself you're mature enough to handle an actual relationship when you're clearly not. No one is! Hell, most human beings can barely handle one partner in one relationship well enough! As if slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars is the sign of a healthy man in a healthy relationship with a healthy mind.
Monogamy because I'm strong and not afraid to give my all (don't take it literal). I'm aware that I can be hurt. Rather my focus is to find work through problems. Take the brain 🧠 for example. It only gets stronger with problems as they are solved, so too relationships.
There exists clinical psychopaths unable of creating emotional bonds. Both psychos and non-psychos often think they are in love but they are in lust.
Love is both a verb where you can choose to love (action) and a feeling When a person romantically loves, they don't see themselves with others.
In polygamy, it becomes easy, when two people have problems or needs, to just seek another rather than act lovingly to work out.
It isn't easy, but I've shared a girl I've loved with someone else. Loving her means putting her first for me and not stopping her from having a a full relationship with the people she loves. How she feels about someone else doesn't define how she does or doesn't feel for me. Any more than how I feel about someone defines how I feel about her. Yes there's interaction between different relationships. But having one good friend doesn't mean that you can't have others. Having one child that you love doesn't mean that you can't love another child. And yes that means that you *can* love more than one person. For some it's easier then for others. And it's scary and can lead to a lot of heartbreak. And yes, jealousy.
That said, everyone, please keep everyone involved in a relationship informed and consenting to *anything* that's going on.
I've had an open relationship before. But what's weird to me are people who have actual relationships with multiple people.
My philosophy is that when you decide to be exclusive you're making a sacrifice to symbolize your loyalty to eachother. Which is totally fine, I can get behind that.
But I don't need that. If I'm in a relationship with someone I'm already giving them my full trust. And if I find someone else who feels the same way, then I think it makes sense to allow for having sex outside the relationship sometimes.
I'm not saying we were on tinder and hitting on people all day. But if you're at a bar and you have a chance to get with someone as a casual thing; as long as we already talked about being open, it really doesn't bother me at all. And it didn't bother her either.
Honestly while I generally practice monogamy I'm not against polygamy
Honestly it depends on my partner more than anything else
For example if she says oh I want to bring my friend into the mix then if I like the friend I'll bring her into the mix then
Or maybe she says she wants to be exclusive just her and me that's fine too I'd be happy with that
Not a big fan of open relationships though and I don't like the idea of my significant other sleeping with other men and I know that basically means I made a double standard but that's kind of not true
The difference between what I'm saying and the double standard of o I can sleep with women but you can't sleep with other men is that I'm not actively seeking to sleep with other women like she'd have to bring it up first because otherwise I'm not going to touch the topic with a 10-ft pole
That graphic for this question is on point. Monogamous here for all of the reasons you've stated and then some. I view people who pursue non monogamous relationships as irresponsible and unclean... physically, mentally, and spiritually. I don't care if you are a Mormon or a part of Twisty the Clown's harem of demon whores.
From my POV as a traditional guy, the only thing a woman can give me of any value are stuff she gives in a monogamous situation. Everything else she could give to 10 million people.
it's not automatic that just because you're in a 1:1 situation that the relationship is right tho so there's more to it than just that.
In my opinion only a monogamous relationship has any future. Even for two people it's incredibly hard and bringing another is going to make that connection weaker.
To each their own, it may be fun but I wouldn't recommend a non-monogamous relationship past the age of 25 when most people want to try to settle down.
Also, to me a relationship with more than 2 people is not a relationship, but that's just me.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
I'm non-monogamous. Monogamy, at least for men, fails about 50% of the time if you count any extramarital sex at all, as a failure. It's difficult to understand why all women think "their man" will be in the half that will "never cheat", but they do. LOL In a non-monogamous relationship, that doesn't occur. What ALSO doesn't occur, although it's perceived to, is constant random sex with unlimited partners. It just doesn't happen.
I truly believe that when you take the "unforbidden" aspect out of the equation, it's not as attractive anymore. When you're in a NM relationship, you're also very careful about who your partners are because, believe it or not, you love your partner most of all. Everything else is just for variety and fun.
"Believe in" is an odd choice of words. Both happen and are real, so belief isn't a factor.
For me, a monogamous relationship makes little sense. You can fall in love with more than one person in your little time, so why can you not meet 2 or more of those people and fall in love with them at the same time?
I don't say this from experience, but I just can not understand how monogamy has become the norm.
I belive that a relationship has to earn monogamy.
Basically that means I won't go into a monogamous relationship right after meeting someone but should we hit it off so well that it feels right and we both no longer feel the need to look elsewhere then we can turn it into a monogamous relationship.
I do non-monogamy. I believe that most people can love more than one person, and have both romantic and sexual feelings for multiple people. Allowing myself (and my partners) non-monogamy means that I know myself better and I’m truer to my needs and my partners’ needs. I would never ask a partner to only be with me, and I would never accept to be told the same.
There’s history, back to 2000 years ago, of poly not working as well as judgment for practicing it in any arena. —Practically, it is not going to work even if legalized. I can’t wait to see the 💰 from the lawyer circus 🤡. The hour rate over years of legality with one group of 3, 4, 5. —You already can’t discriminate if “married” no matter how many want to jam into 2 bedroom.
I want to be in a monogamous relationship, but I have a tendency to cheat (especially in the past few years), which has affected this.
I don't believe in Polyamory, or "ethical non-monogamous" relationships. This is just women who refuse to make a choice (typical), or weak men who refuse to place boundaries in their relationship- so the girl can hoe around.
My husband is more than enough for me - in good and bad. I'm introverted and just the thought of having to share my time with more partners makes my skin crawl and I'm not willing to share my husband. I love my life and don't want it to change.
I say I belive in all of them because me practicing monogamy doesn't make non monogamous relationships any less real.
I have had experience of both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, and I can say that everything is individual. There is no universal formula. I decided for myself that non-monogamous relationships are not suitable for me. I was not very comfortable. But I do not condemn those who practice polygamy in relationships.
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