I am becoming less and less attracted to my girlfriend and it’s becoming an issue?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been going out for about a year, we have a ton in common and share many of the same interests. I feel like I can be myself around her, and felt a really strong connection when we first started dating. She is extremely kind and thoughtful too.

She has pretty severe anxiety and depression. She will also have panic attacks that can be triggered by about anything, we’ve had to leave events before and whenever she does have an attack, I drop everything I’m doing to help her, but it basically puts an end to the night.

She doesn’t sleep well because of stress at home. So she started taking edibles, which lead to an eating disorder. She ended up gaining a lot of weight. She has body dysmorphia so I try to be supportive while also being a good influence, and she will make an effort for about a week to lose weight before giving up. Health and fitness is extremely important to me because I lost a lot of weight over the last couple years and I told her that I was still trying to lose more and wanted someone who was a good influence on that. She was really excited at first to get into working out, but that stopped and twice, she threw up from eating so much so fast while she was over.

Last week was my birthday, and she got black out after just a few drinks at dinner, and I had to take care of her. Then she had a massive hangover which then lead to her having a back issue that made her immobile, so we basically just sat on the couch all night and she passed out because she was in so much pain.

Basically every single time we hang out, I am taking care of her, these will happen nearly every weekend and it always ends the night. If it was any one of these issues I could deal with it, but I basically feel like her caregiver and she either can’t, or won’t, take care of herself. I just don’t know what to do, because she is also extremely dependent on me, which just adds to the stress because I don’t want to give up but I also can’t continue like this.

Updates

+1 y

Because of her anxiety and depression, I try to be as delicate as I can about everything. I have no clue how to let her know that these are issues without making the issues worse…there are just too many problems, and many of these do not have an easy fix and takes a lot of work and patience

[Pyrofox]

Maybe with the weight thing tell her if she will keep the fitness and getting fit you will do the same and take the time she is excersising to give you the motivation to try and do the same and get apsolutely ripped XD. And just take the journey together and if she complains remind her that this is all for the sake of extending the time you two can have together. And like you can massively extend both of your life spans XD. And end up probably being the hottest couple on the block XD.

[Asker]

I have, I have suggested walking together, and I have already been on a strict diet so I try to eat healthy around her, and I have given up cheat days after she said that she can’t have any cheat days anymore. But that lasted about a week for her before stress from work and home made her fall off the wagon.

[Pyrofox]

Sounds like then the only other option is to just go in for some couple therapy at this stage.

[Chris858]

I feel like she may never improve as long as you're together. It sort of sounds as if she has no reason to take control of her own health as long as she has you to depend on.
It's a bad situation because leaving her could either be the kick in the butt she needs, or she will just go completely down hill.
You do have a right to choose the relationships that you want to be in, so it isn't unreasonable to break up if you're unhappy.
You can still be her friend and help her when you can if she wants that. If you don't love her, then nobody should be trapped in a relationship by guilt in my opinion.

[Chris858]

If you were a person with all of these problems and no motivation to get better, would you expect a woman to want a relationship with you?
We're not talking about a husband and wife here who have been together 30 years, for better or worse, sickness and health and all of that. You've only known this woman for a year and where's it going?
I would feel selfish for keeping someone from moving forward with their life. She should want to care for herself for the both of you.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

It sounds like she needs to get some help - maybe medical for her pain, and therapy for her dysmorphia and whatever is driving her to get wrecked so frequently.

While it's great you're supportive, you are her partner and not her caretaker or her therapist. Perhaps encourage her to take therapy, see a doctor. Go to couple's therapy.

You deserve to have your needs met in this relationship, as well.

[Asker]

After the back issue, I told her she had to see a doctor. She could barely walk with how bad her back was, and we had done nothing that should have caused pain like that. She did make an appointment when it was even worse the next morning. I just feel like I will be telling her that she needs to change too many things and see too many doctors. I would feel comfortable if it was just one thing, but it feels like I am trying to change her, which I really don’t like…

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Dude, you're just trying to see her healthier and happier - I don't think that's "changing" her, that's *helping* her.

[Asker]

You’re right, I just get nervous when I ask someone to make changes to themselves, even if it’s for the best. Especially when it isn’t just one change

[Smoke-n-Growls]

That's reasonable, and ideally she should be the one initiating these changes. She also won't change unless she wants to - and you'll want to keep that in mind.

But it sounds like she's deeply unhappy, and often that's a cry for help. I know I owe my first partner a great deal of gratitude for helping me realize I needed to help myself.

Sometimes we need a good hefty shove in the right direction from those who love us.

[BraveRiver]

It’s not your job to fix her. You can support her while also moving on and finding someone worth being in a healthy relationship with.

Friend zone that and don’t let her guilt trip you into staying. It’s going to end, it’ll be uncomfortable, discomfort only gets worse with time… it’s not fair to her that you’re sitting on feelings knowing it’s over. If you don’t do anything you’re in essence playing her and she’ll become the victim but for real.

[slatyb]

End this. It's sad that she has these problems but they aren't your responsibility. She's a raging alcoholic and you can't fix that. Don't waste your life trying.

[TheLastRhodesian]

It's normal, women in their thirties are not attractive.

[Iron_Man]

Don’t drink alcohol with her ever again she can’t handle it

[driven159]

too much drama and you know it is not going end just get worse Move On for your sanity

[LittleBlueTheRappa]

Why's it an issue? Can't help what you're attracted to

[LittleBlueTheRappa]

Brake up with her and find a girl you do find attractive

[KrakenAttackin]

Get rid of her and find a sane girl.