Me n my girlfriend Brandy have been together 4 months. I always found it weird that all her friends are guys. The typical “guys are less drama” excuse. From the beginning she told me she’s not attracted to them, and they’re jealous of me. I didn’t pay much attention at first. But now it’s becoming an issue.
She brags that her male friends have the hots for her. I told her that it makes me uncomfortable that she’s always texting them all hours of the night. She tells me I’m jealous, insecure, and that she’s so hot every man in the world wants her.
I’m 31 she's 41 and most her friends are men under 30. Again, think this is weird. Then tells me she can easily replace me with someone younger n hotter.
My sister tells me I’m an idiot for dating her. And that I should be with someone younger n more sensible.
Are these grounds for a break up or no?
Red flag
Not a red flag
Select gender and age to cast your vote:
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She brags that her guy friends want her? Red flag?
Never judge a woman by what she says. Always judge her actions.
Consider this. She is a 41 year old woman. She is ten years older than you. At 40 she is less likely to have children. no offense. These are important facts. So let me tell you why.
Based purely on what she is saying it could be that she is insecure about being 10 years older than you. So she is trying to make you jealous by bragging about younger guys liking her to mask her insecurity. She is afraid that you will essentially monkey branch to a younger woman because she senses that you are an attractive man in your prime and a woman in her 40s approachin menopause is on the downward scale of her value in the dating market. She is terrified of losing you and trying to "play up" and exagerrate her value to the opposite sex.
I have dated older women. If this is the case it would be a "best case scenario". Keep in mind. This isn't good. Its disrespectful, but it isn't grounds for breakup if she changes. I can tell you under most circumstances if a girl really likes you she won't mention other guys. period. especially only 4 months in a relationship. Maybe after years she may bring up some but not after that short amount of time.
The second thing happening her is very bad. You are saying she is on the phone a lot and texting her guy friends? If she is doing that and hasn't had sex with any one of them yet then it is still grounds for breaking up. SHe is basically setting up your replacement by flirting around with other guys. She already is no longer in the relationship even though she hasn't ended it yet. She wants to set up your replacement first.
I would say this is the most likely scenario. And it is grounds for a breakup.
The last scenario is that she is actually having sex with one or several of the guy friends. She has hunks on the side who are banging her when she is free. She is either going to their place or them going to yours if you live together. If all of a sudden the sex frequency changes and she no longer wants to be sleeping with you for odd reasons? A clear sign. By the way...40 year old women or older women are popular for guys to have sex with because of their lower risk of pregnancy. These are women who are thirsty and desperate to cling to a feeling of being younger than they are. Some are lonely, married. or recently divorced women.
I think you need to sit down and talk to her and have a serious discussion. The bragging about guys bit is disrespect and a challenge to your masculinty in a relationship. The texting is a huge red flag. YOu need to probably tell her that the relationship is in danger of not working out because you feel disrespected or not valued as a man. If she attacks you or gives you any kind of angry pushback... dump her right then and there. Her response must be compassion and "i adore you baby". Anger and defiance is a sign of cheating.
An attractive woman is always going to have guys chasing her. This is true. What makes this a red flag is how a woman handles it. She’s handling it terribly.
1.) She’s in her 40’s and doesn’t have ONE girlfriend and blames it on girls being dramatic? There’s a chance that she doesn’t know how to be friends with girls without feeding into or creating drama. Girls can be dramatic but I’ve met a few who were chill. She’s had at least 20 years and doesn’t have ONE female friend?
2.) She NOTICES other men and PAYS ATTENTION to how they feel about her. Again, almost attractive girls will have guys chasing them if they’re single or not. But if she’s entertaining them or being entertained by it, it’s a red flag. If she’s enjoying being chased while in a relationship it’s a red flag and a callback to why she has so many guy friends. She specifically enjoys male attention. HUGE RED FLAG.
3.) She’s TELLING YOU about how other men want her while know how it makes YOU FEEL. It shows a lack of respect or at the very least it shows she has an unhealthy perspective about relationships. Especially since she’s blaming you for becoming jealous when she tells you this. Jealousy is natural and it’s not good or bad. Jealousy comes from love. The actions that follow jealousy are what can be bad or good. As your girlfriend she should be prioritizing your feelings over how other men feel about her. If it makes you uncomfortable she should do what she can “within” reason to ease your feelings but instead she’s blaming you for feeling the way you do.
I’m not in the relationship so I don’t know all of the dynamics but I would definitely evaluate the relationship, specifically who my girlfriend is as a person and figure out if she’s the right person “for me” because these red flags seem like something that’s part of who she is, which is more difficult to change in a relationship. More than likely she’s been behaving like this long before she got with you and she’s comfortable with her perspective about men and relationships. From what I read it seems like she sees and treats men as a form of entertainment. If it was just one guy it would be less of an issue. But the fact that there’s multiple and these are her only friends and she brags about them wanting her, tells me she’s getting something out of the attention. Why she sees men like that isn’t for me to determine.
I personally would write the relationship off as an incompatibility issue because I wouldn’t be able to trust her and have the patience to sit a 40 year old woman down and explain to her the importance of trust and respect in a relationship. At that age you’re pretty much set in your ways.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
I don't know her, I don't know what she's saying in those texts with her friends. There must be a reason you are still with her even though your sister and probably others have told you not to date her. Only you know your reasons.
Maybe you could be happier with someone who doesn't come with these issues. It depends on what you are looking for. I can see everybody is telling you that you need to find someone who loves you and is kind to you. I don't know if she loves you or is kind to you or not. Maybe she's nice to you in other ways. But then, maybe not. I don't know. But I think what people tend to neglect is that probably what makes a person even happier than being with someone who loves them is to be with someone who they love. And physical beauty seems to be a very big factor in determining how much a guy loves a girl. You say she brags about her beauty. I don't know what she looks like.
I know about a girl who is so beautiful that a guy divorced his pregnant wife in hopes of marrying her instead. Even though they were just friends and she strongly urged him not to do that. She avoided him and stopped talking to him after she found out he did it. Even after she married, her house is always full of guys. She has a bunch of male friends who constantly visit her and her husband at their house.
I personally know of a lady who was so beautiful that she had guys chasing her all the time. A guy proposed to her after knowing her for a short time, she refused. He then promised to wait for her until he dies or she decides to be with him, that he wouldn't marry anyone but her. He was in his thirties when he made this promise. She didn't take him seriously. After she became older, she decided to check up on the guy to see how he's doing. She found out that he passed away in his sixties without ever having married. She felt very sad. She felt he indeed may have been serious.
I don't know what's the deal with your girlfriend. It's possible it's not her doing, she's just so beautiful that she gets this kind of male attention without much effort on her part to attract it. There are guys who are willing to put up with all this for her beauty. So like I said, it depends on what you are looking for.
it's a red flag. i think she's insecure about being older than you and knows that you could be with someone younger than her so she projects that insecurity on to you by saying she could get younger guys. Insecure people are the worst to be in relationships with. She will keep trying to bring you down, and over time you'll become insecure like her, which will make you unhappy. Also she seems like she would cheat. One, there's too much opportunity for a slip up to happen if she's talking to all these guys. Second, they only stick around and give her attention because she entertains it. If she wasn't entertaining their advances even a little, then they would have stopped giving her sexual attention by now. Also, guys are usually not friends with a woman unless they are trying to have sex with her. I mean obviously there are real boy/girl friendships but the chances that every single one of those guy friends are platonic friends is suuuuper low. and texting these guys late at night is definitely a no in my book. Why does she need to text them if she has you? I would dump her if I were you. I doubt she looks any good if she's that insecure but besides that her personality sounds terrible.
Anyone that has to brag about how hot they are, how smart they are, how tough they are is a red flag... If someone is truly any of those things, they don't have to TELL people that, people just SEE it... Anyone that brags obsessively that's a big sign of insecurity and emotional instability... And if she's constantly threatening you with the ability to replace you, you should tell her promises mean more than empty threats, so next time she threatens to replace you tell her "promise?" You don't need someone that obviously is trying to get you to feel like she's hotter than what you deserve and who needs that shit... That's not the way someone who really loves you, appreciates you, values you behaves...
My friend, that is an enormous red flag. One you can see all the way from the other side of the world. I want to be sensitive and understanding here, but I have to tell you you are in a situation where she can and likely will make a fool of you by dropping you for someone else. She's already pretty much said she has power in the situation, but you can have the power by walking away too.
Yup, but it's more insidious than that - she's trying to get him to emotionally invest more in her. Therefore, she will have far more power in the relationship. A walking red flag LOL
@Inbox Right. Because she wants to bring him to a point of showing her utter weakness so that she can be cruel and cut him off right when he starts showing desperation.
Definitely a red flag and a ground for break up. If someone makes you feel that way, purposefully trying to hurt you, she's someone that doesn't care about your feelings. Which says she doesn't really have genuine feelings for you. I once date a guy who would always chat with girls and would tell me they are just his friends but their messages are really flirty. I trusted my gut that there's something wrong. He would make me feel like I'm just being sensitive and jealous for no reason. He made me feel like I was the one having the wrong feelings yet he would keep flirting with them even if he knows I don't like it. When I decided to break up with him, I told him everything that made me feel bad, all his actions.. but he wasn't even sorry and he thinks he didn't do anything wrong. He had no respect for my feelings. Breaking up with him was the best decision I ever made. You don't need a toxic relationship like that. The person you are with should make you feel special and not shit. You don't have to be emotionally dependent to someone. They shouldn't be the reason why you are happy. But if their actions or words hurt you intentionally, that's something unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated. Know your worth and don't make anyone make you feel less.
Yes, red flag. Dude, I’m sorry to say, but your girlfriend shouldn’t be in a relationship with you, or anyone right now. She needs to work on herself. It sounds like she is the one who is insecure and has self esteem issues. She’s 41 years old and seems to need to find validation of her worth by seeking the attention of guys 10 years younger than her. Not only that but she’s doing it intentionally and holding it over your head! By being with her, you are satisfying her ego and giving her the validation she craves (but you can never fully satisfy or validate her. That has to come from within herself). It sounds like she doesn’t really love you either (see My Take on love) or even respect you. My guess is that your girlfriend went through some kind of long term relationship (could have been months or years ago) that left her hurt and of which she has yet to fully recover (hence the need for validation of self worth from other guys) and really, you're in the aftermath of that, a rebound so to speak. I’m really sorry to tell you that. I apologize if my reply comes off as judgmental, but unfortunately I speak from experience of being in both roles, of being the boy toy and the one stringing along someone for my own ego. As for breaking up with her, well, now that you possibly know where she is at and where you fit in, it is up to you to decide whether this relationship is worth continuing to invest in.
Context in what she says may mean the difference between her joking with you to make you feel better about dating an older woman by pointing out that other guys like her too, so you have good taste, as well as reassuring herself that she is attractive and that you're not the only one in the world who thinks so, or she could be a narcissistic b**** that needs to put you down in order to elevate her own self-esteem, and any number of possible motivations in between those two opposites, including an attempt at levity on her part two mask a real concern that she has or she believes that you have considering the relationship. Unfortunately, in this scenario that you are describing, you can only convey the words that she's using and how you're responding verbally, without the inflections or the body language or the tone of voice to give Credence to any of these suspicions or possible scenarios which basically leaves me with a response that is no more helpful than if I gave you no response at all. That being I SIPLY DON'T KNOW. I guess the one way that that response can help you, is that at least now, you know that you're not the only one that doesn't know.
Yes dump her , if she loved and respected you she wouldn’t need all that attention from other guys , it’s nothing to do with insecurities on your part it’s more to do with being disrespected , By her saying your insecure is her way of saying she is a piece of shit , How would she feel if you had tons of girl friends that were talking and texting you all the time , she is a selfish person and only really cares about herself , she is an attention whore don’t take her shit , let her go fuck those younger guys that will just use her as a cum bucket , she needs a wake up call , people like her will never experience true love they will be used until no body wants them anymore , love only grows when selfishness is removed , when someone wears your shoes like you wear theirs , you aren’t being insecure man you are being disrespected , put your foot down and tell her she either stops talking to all those guys or it’s over and that you will find a girl that knows what it means to value a relationship , tell her To go fuck those guys and be used , you want someone with a heart not a whore
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
Dude--you just need to change your expectations for this "relationship." I'd suggest you ask yourself if you're REALLY attached to her as a long term partner. If the answer is "yes" you should cut it off immediately because this isn't going to work long term and is going to be a bigger mess for you the longer you wait.. If the answer is "no" then just make sure you keep it that way. She's good to fuck for right now, but honestly not much else. If she's really hot, maybe take a lot of pics and vids too. She's definitely already fucking some of the other dudes if she' literally telling you she could replace you if she wants. That's always obvious--ANY woman worth ANYTHING should be able to find another man. But only a low class chick would say that to you.
Also, why the hell are you going after 40-something chicks anyway? If you're looking long term, shop around with 20-somethings. They're hotter, have a much more fun energy, and with less mileage on them, they'll have fewer issues. If you're just looking to fuck, then go for whatever turns you on the most.
Basically, sort out what you're looking for and then build a plan to make it happen. Most important, sort out what you DON'T want and build a plan to avoid it.
Congratulations. You've played yourself. You've got with a woman who is "one of the boys". She enjoys the free attention/validation she gets from her orbiters (which we all know are trying to get in her pants, but are waiting for the opportunity). She has already set up a back-up for when shit hits the fan in your relationship with her. There is rarely such thing as a platonic friendship between a man and a woman who are strangers. Which make it an ingenuine friendship. It can only be platonic with very specific factors. She knows they want to get with her. And she loves it.
That's not your girlfriend. It's just your turn. Your sister is 100% correct. Not sure why you got with a post-wall woman when at your age, you can get with a woman in her 20s (prime years). If I were you, I wouldn't even get with her to begin with. But if I was in your shoes, I'd ditch her and find me a more loyal and younger girl.
Nothing in the world more toxic and dangerous than a 41 year old woman still acting like she's in college, and the college slut no less. Just the fact that you are asking if it's a red flag says that she's clearly out of your league - and I'm not talking about age or physical attractiveness, but that she's a party girl and you don't sound like one who can handle her. The only men who can are those who are like her. Sounds like you are just her current pet / boy toy, and when she's done, she will toss you aside.
Your sis is wrong about the age thing. Any woman could do the same stuff. It's not a red flag. It's a burning torch she's slapping you in the face with over and over again & she's laughing because you just say, "baby, you love me right? I can trust you, right?" Instead grabbing that torch and tossing her and it.
I can tell you with 100% certainty: 1.) She sees your relationship as a joke & she's just using you. 2.) Those other dudes are banging her. 3.) She's laughing at you.
I'd say her banging the other dudes was only a maybe if she lived with you and was in your face 24/7 but even then I bet you there would be some signs now and then. She'd just have way less opportunity.
Not everyone is built or capable to have and sustain a serious relationships. Some people just jump from one hype to the next. Once she's bored of you she will friend zone you too. She likes the attention that young men give her and she love the buzz of fresh relationships. That's something many men and women do. You need to decide if you got the time and the energy to deal with her. Plus she's dismissive, disrespectful, and immature.
I don't know I just don't like the drama and I think relationships should be at least peaceful and joyful. But that's just me.
In my opinion, anyone who consciously/shamelessly tells their partner that they can easily be replaced should be dumped immediately. Such a person is arrogant, extremely disrespectful and quite narcissistic. This is the type of person who, if they cheat, will claim it was your fault. You would deserve so much better than that.
Personally, I feel a relationship should be ended if it's with a partner who does not prioritize you on the same level as themselves. This person clearly doesn't value you much more than the guys she's friend-zoning to stroke her ego.
Well congrats on getting into the pants of a professional friendzoner. You got something going for you (for a brief while at least).
No offense bro, but your girlfriend sounds like a egotistical bitch. The moment she gets bored or upset with you then you got things to seriously worry about.
I would keep a very close eye on her. If I were in your shoes I would put her on probation. Next red flag your out. If you wait too long she’ll jump out, leave you with the bag and then try to gaslight you for it.
After rereading this and seeing she is 41 and you are 31 I’ve decided you need to grow a pair, skip probation and dump that entitled bitch ASAP.
A grown ass 41 yr old woman should f*cking now better than to treat men this way. Especially a younger boyfriend.
She’s acting that way because being bitchy makes her feel like she’s in her early 20s again. What a egotistical delusional selfish piece of sh*t.
Funny because I’ve sadly noticed the same thing with older women myself. Some of the worse dates I’ve ever been on in my life we’re with women close to my age (early 30s to 40). It’s just said that they care more about getting the very quick and extremely fleeting ego boost by acting bitchy vs embracing something (e. g. a younger man who stays with them) who rarely comes along.
Yes huge red flag! She isn't in a relationship with you she has someone's attention. She loves and eats up any guy that pays her attention. She is very conceited and stuck on herself and cares nothing for your concerns. Trust me you could do better. Unless she is rich and you don't mind being on the back burner then get out before your anger consumes you. Stay with someone too long but despise something about being with them then you will feel that way about anyone you date. If you are in a relationship with someone, you should be their main focus. I bet she is on every social media and dating site available.
If they're all in their twenties and she's 41 not to mention the 10 year gap with you i think she has insecurities and finds validation in getting attention from younger guys you included.
Normally I'd say be the one she wants and stand out from the pile, instead of being jealous but in this case I think the smart move is to dump her.
Plus your sister sees things with unbiased eyes as she's not in the relationship herself if she thinks that woman is not good she's probably right.
I can't even count the times I told my brother to dump a loser girl he's seeing only for him to get into a fight with me about it then after a bad breakup comes and apologizes and admits I was right all along.
Do yourself a favor man don't go for the broken ones, unless you're a therapist by any chance and even then you should charge them for the healing
I think this is so childish, on both sides. first, having only male friends means nothing, much less the phrase "boys are less drama" is an excuse, there are really people who get along better with the opposite sex. you seem to me to be jealous and she is insecure. you date and you don’t know her friends to know if it’s really like she claims to be? it seems to me everything done to get your attention. and as for talking to friends, you can't forbid it. if she speaks comfortably to them in front of you it is because she has nothing to hide. you seem a little controller. what I find strange about all this is being that age and playing with these teen games.
I'm going to get flack for this, but that's fine... but I wouldn''t date a woman with a 10 year age difference. If I was dating someone 10 years younger than me or 10 years older than me, it's for casual sex only. But... that's just me.
But... dude... she is going to cheat on you. All her friends are guys and all it takes in one drunken mistake. And they talk all hours of the night and they know you are dating her? That's a massive red flag. She doesn't have respect for you and neither do her guy "friends".
But that's not the worst of it. The worst part is she said that you are replaceable. That's just cruel. If she thinks that, you don't mean much to her. Even if she said that as a joke, that's not something you should ever say to a partner.
If I were in your position, I would get the hell out of there.
My opinion is that she’s scared of losing you. She’s insecure, telling you everyone wants her and they you’re easily replaced. She wants to be wanted and adored because she’s insecure. To me, this will only end in trouble. I’d get out while you can. Let another ‘hot young man’ deal with her issues.
Hell yeah its a red flag. She's clearly bringing you down and MAKING you feel insecure. Im so sick and tired of people making it sound like it's the other way around when they are the ones making their partner insecure in the first place and giving them reasons to have trust issues. Of course she would make that excuse! You deserve better. She shouldn't even be friends knowing all those guys like her and probably jerk off to her for fucks sake. She doesn't sound loyal or like she respects you.
