Why would some people choose to stay in a toxic relationship and claim to be a victim instead of finding a way out?

[Anonymous]

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

There are many reasons, and it isn’t because they necessarily want to stay in the relationship.

Domestic abuse or any sort of abuse is not something many people understand, because there are far more layers to it than what you can see on the surface. Many victims of abuse have an ulterior reason for staying with that partner. Most victims think about trying to find a way out, but there are barriers that often stop them.

I wrote a myTake a couple of months ago about this topic because I am passionate about it. Your question has been asked hundreds of times on this site, and in real life… It's tiring for victims and survivors of abuse to hear, “Why don’t you just leave?”

Just because they did not leave immediately does not mean they are not a victim. You have to consider all the reasons they stay in the relationship… I hope you do read it because it gives a brief description of each reason why people stay.

Some reasons why victims have a hard time leaving their abuser, or reasons why some people seek abusive partners...

[WonderBell99]

Victims of abuse often lose their sense of reality. It isn’t that easy to leave an abusive relationship, and those who do finally manage to leave are extremely courageous

Deep down, they know that their partner is abusive, but they may not want to leave them because they feel like their SO's behavior is "normal". They do not know what a good relationship is like. Years of psychological/physical/sexual abuse is the primary cause - it has been "normalized".

Sometimes, kids are also involved. They may believe that they would not be able to provide a stable, financially secure childhood for their offspring. Many of these victims who seek out abusive relationships often have a hard time coping with low self esteem. They may feel like they would not be able to find a good partner anymore. Also, abusers don't really start out abusive. It's always the little things at first - like gaslighting, being controlling etc.. this will progress to physically assault, psychological abuse etc.

By the time you realize that you're in an abusive relationship, you're already all in. It becomes hard to get out of it because the abuser keeps manipulating you and you're already in love with them.. or the persona they created to trap you. Abusers *often* seek victims who are naive or "innocent".

Sometimes, the victim stays with the abuser in hopes that they will change.. when they clearly won't. Some get into a relationship with "broken" people to "fix" them... yep, it never ends well

It's a vicious cycle of deliberation, mental exhaustion followed by a sense of helplessness.

[CallmeTheKnight]

Manipulation that starts off all innocent and loving to make someone drop their guard and then comes the abuse and gaslighting. You're already emotionally invested in the asshole or bitch that's bringing you down day by day. They'll always please you occasionally to keep you in their control and turn around to dog you out.
This could be avoided if people choose to take things slow with someone and vet them properly. Red flags will show themselves, but it's up to you to acknowledge them.

In many situations, abuse normally require repetition or something to happen more than one or a few times. However, in relationships; striking someone one time, degrading them, or even stealing from them one time is abuse. You have the choice to leave or stay when it happens the first time, but with you being so emotionally caught up in their manipulative web, you have trouble getting out. Why? Because abuse is traumatizing and leads to a low self esteem. What does a low self esteem lead to? Self doubt and lack of confidence in your own decisions.
You see now that gaslighting is a pain to come across if you've never had any experience with seeing through bullshit or if you do not have good discernment of people.

At the end of the day, it all starts and ends with a choice. I speak from experience.

[Zealconsumesme]

Gonna have to tank you here, regardless of all the other reasons people listed love is a blinding emotion sometimes with how blissful it SOME times can be, you feel just attached to people and you can't leave. Love is based primarily on your heart and your heart roots itself in what you'd consider as home, that being your love for the toxic person and some clear acknowledgement of whatever good side they might have but when everything blows up and the pictures fall down, nobody and I doubt even you, could easily admit to yourself or your girlfriend/boyfriend however you swing that the home is broken, everything is fallen. Victims clearly are victims, I agree with everybody here but I also think the Abuser's also devastated to find out in some way if they believe they really did care about the other person.

[aialex]

A few reasons, but these are the ones I heard and know about.

1. Perceptions. Women tend to get hated for leaving toxic relationship. It's also interpreted as "abandoning" because the partner is two-faced - nice to family and friends but a monster to their partners.

2. Financially dependant. If he/she doesn't have an income of their own, it's hard to leave and start everything all over again.

3. Kids. I know a few who stayed because of their kids. They said they don't want their kids to come from a "broken family" so that they won't get bullied by their peers at school.

Honestly, I don't think they're "claiming to be a victim" because they're obviously a victim. If given a choice, I'm sure everyone wants a happy ending.

[cantthinksttaight]

Many reasons

1. They still love their partner
2. They may have children that would be more difficult to take out
3. They are ashamed to ask for help
4. It’s hard
5. they don’t realise that it is a toxic relationship
6. They get guilt tripped into staying
7. their partner convinced them that they’ll change
8. they have nowhere to go
9. they believe that they are safer there than other places
10. they get threatened

no doubly I have missed reasons why people would stay in a toxic relationship people stay for their own reasons and instead of asking why didn’t you leave sooner, we should be asking what can we do to help.

[Subarugirl]

It comes as no surprise that shame is one of the main reasons why domestic violence victims stay. It is a surprise how this feeling is often what stops humans from doing what they want and feel is right. Many think that leaving home, breaking up with their abuser or getting a divorce means they’ve failed.

For most people are abused by their domestic partner, they don't really have a way out. They have been cut off from their family and friends, so they don't have a support system, they are financially dependent on their abuser and do not have the monetary means to leave, they have been gaslit and are manipulated or threated into staying.

[ODC2112]

The short answer is because they are codependent. Codependency (or co-dependence) is a dynamic in which a person is influenced in an excessive and therefore pathological way by the behavior of another person who tries at the same time to control or correct.
It's like saying if you know that smoking, drugs etc... are bad for you, why don't you stop? The answer is because you are addicted to it.
Those who make the victims are usually the executioners, not the real victims. The victim attitude is typical of those who want to control the other.

[Razp_Sorbet]

It's not easy to get out, toxic partners tend to be manipulative and it takes a long time before you realize you're not the problem. It took me months to stop apologizing for doing everyday things, once I started doing that and realized how unhappy I was I ended it.

Sometimes people don't have safe places to go either, toxic partners tend to make you lose all your friends and trust of your family. They isolate you.

[LepardLashes]

because they fear the unknown, if they have kids some people try their hardest to give them a better life and sometimes people register this as having two parents even though it's a toxic relationship. Lack of self esteem, they don't think they will find anyone else. thinking this person will change.

[whirled_up_girl]

I had a relative who stayed in an abusive relationship, she didn't want to tell her dad or brothers about it, because she was afraid they would kill the guy if they found out. She stayed with him till she could find another way out to protect her dad and brothers from possibly ending up in legal trouble trying to handle it.

[bamesjond0069]

Because they actually like it. They like playing a victim. They like the person they are with and dont care. They like the drama. They like the financial benefits.

They like something about it. This is why they never leave and if they do they come back and if it really ends they find someone just like them.

[Adam1978]

Economy and lazyiness. Staying requires no action and is the perfect excuse for people who claim victim hood. But sometimes there is no easy way out since they have no where to go. And being homeless is usually worse.

[Anonymous]

Believe it or not subconsciously because it's what they find safe, normal, acceptable. This video explains

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Hvysy11716g

[genericname85]

because as a victim you are met with empathy. as someone who leaves another person, you're usually the asshole, even if you did so for good reason.

[genericname85]

well also because toxicity often gradually develops. so it's a frog in boiling water thing.

[exitseven]

A lot of people are waiting for the other person to change. It never works out.

[maron88]

I have the impression that there is the attachment that is still present and the fact of changing habits if this person lived with you. It's simpler without these two scenarios.

[kitkills]

Thinking the person will change... heads up, they won't.

[random_girl95]

Think of Harley and Joker

[anon1903]

Mostly the reason is denial

[Vendela]

It's not always as easy as you make it sound.

[Akpos]

Because they don't have alternative

[msc545]

Victimhood has benefits, especially for women.

[ElizaPam]

Because love.