Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

Question

I posit its because the abuser or the abusive situation has something particularly attractive about them. Like look like Cassie stayed for the perks

Chazmatazz269 · Accepted Answer

There are a variety of reasons and most people who subject themselves to abusive relationships long term usually correlate with multiple reasons. It’s never just one thing.
First and foremost, not every relationship that outsiders deem to be “abusive” actually is abusive. If you’re some kind of submissive masochist who wants someone to abuse you in order to feel value, that’s your bag to carry. It is neither my right nor my responsibility to save you from yourself.
That said, the main thing to remember, and this applies to everyone and every situation. Nobody is all good and nobody is all bad. Victims of abuse often practice denial of the abuse and embellish the good parts of their abuser and their relationship. At the very least, even self aware people will value the good traits more than they resent the bad. They’ll compromise in order to not lose the good.
“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” Even a reasoned mind with a string of bad relationships might begin to wonder if bad is all there is. An attempt to trade up comes with the risk of trading down, and a pattern of doing so teaches you to calculate on it.
That kind of leads into this next point. A frightening number of people cannot be alone. Whether they are afraid of singleness or flat out incapable of functioning without assistance, lots of people are trapped in some way. That one can be particularly difficult to understand when the trappings are psychological.
Many abusers have practiced their games frequently and for a long time. They know how to select people who are vulnerable to them, and how to make them feel even more vulnerable to keep them dependent.
This one is difficult even for me to understand, but it’s real. There are social expectations to meet within relationships. The higher status you enjoy, the more important it is to maintain the appearance of perfection. Even relationships that aren’t high profile can suffer this, particularly for men. When you’re NOT with so and so, everyone looks at you like you’re either evil or defective. “What did you do wrong?” “Why can’t you maintain a relationship?” “You’re not getting any younger!” Some people are just trading the abuse from their social circle for the abuse from their intimate partner. Neither feels safe, but you eventually begin to feel like there IS nowhere safe. Again, especially as a man. There are no shelters just for men. The minority of shelters that will accept men at all have strict policies to eject adult males if females or juveniles need the resources. We’re also universally expected to be self supporting. So it’s near impossible to ask from help from family or friends. Most of them probably wouldn’t help if you could muster the courage. They lose all respect for you the instant you ask.
Lots of intelligent, mindful, self-respecting people can fall victim to an abuser because of ONE of these reasons. People who repeat the behavior time after time and with different partners, they often exhibit multiple of the above traits, and then some.
Myself, as a man, societally we still barely acknowledge that men can be victims at all. We almost universally refuse to believe that men can suffer at the hands of female abusers. So when i was trying sort my sh*t out, there was NOTHING to help me come to terms with the fact that i might be in an abusive relationship. I had to collect resources written exclusively for women and even though i understood everything female victims were going through, there was never one mention of male victims and female abusers. Now men have this:
https://annsilvers.com/products/abuse-of-men-by-women-it-happens-it-hurts

and dozens of other men’s rights advocates to help them work through their challenges. The social stigma remains though. If a man manages to save himself from an abusive relationship, he has to come to terms with dying alone. No woman on Earth will respect a man who was victimized by a woman. Especially in this age of social media, there’s no escaping it. Female abusers know that. They can openly threaten and intimidate on social media platforms with impunity. So a man will never fully recover because ours isn’t a culture that permits them to. We’re eons away from meaningful change in that regard. That conversation isn’t even being had, let alone resources being directed to change it.

Zack-Bann · Accepted Answer

Why do people eat sugar? Drink alcohol? Smoke?

An abusive relationship is like any other vice.
You know it’s bad for you. But you tie your identity to it. Stopping it requires massively changing your life and habits and that’s tough to accept and to do.

There’s many more psychological factors that go into it.
For instance the more you’re abused the more you’re stubbornly trying to change that narrative and come out on top

I never had a relationship with a person like that but I had one with a sports club when I was a kid.
The place was toxic and wasted no opportunity to hurt me physically and mentally
And yet I kept coming back every day because I didn’t want to accept that ending
I wanted them to change their mind. Accept me. Love me. Etc…

And cutting contact with them was beyond hard even though it meant the punishment stopped, it also made me ask “who am I without them?” And that was a long journey to self acceptance and love

Vevv123 · Accepted Answer

A lot of people underestimate how scary abusive relationships are. From the outside looking in, it looks so simple, but it’s terrifying especially when someone has connections or money and does not want you to leave the relationship and they want to remain in control (they will stay in control if they have connections and money). You really have to be in the situation to understand how scary it can be that there are no “perks”. There are no perks when you live in constant fear like that, it’s one of the scariest situations someone can be in.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Accepted Answer

It’s because they threaten their victims, or their victim’s families, or threaten to kill themselves if the victim leaves

Finchie40 · Answer

Because the abuser makes them feel like no one else wants them , so they stay in the relationship because they are afraid to be alone , and they don’t want to accept the fact that their partner doesn’t truly love them , hoping their abusive partner will love them and be nice to them again. Girls’ and Guys’ can be the abuser in the relationship. A abusive narcissist and manipulator prays on finding someone they can control and abuse , because the abuser is really the one that is suffering from insecurities and projecting their true feelings on to their partner doesn’t. In the beginning they love bomb you and make you feel like you are the best thing that entered their life , once they have you by their side, they will slowly start showing their true colors and start treating you like you are not good enough. I learned a lot about this when I went to counseling for being molested by an older woman when I was a child. Why it’s best do truly get to know someone before committing to them

heyhey321 · Answer

Well, one gets safety through extreme control the other one gets safety through being controlled. Aka Dominance and submission. Both have erotic roots (erotic doesn’t just mean sexual although it’s included but it’s much more than that). Just like addiction to it is also erotic in its nature or like addiction to anything else (our pleasure mechanism is a double edged sword indeed) :) So just like you can’t tell a chain smoker to just quit that addiction you can’t tell a abuser or their victim to just stop it and walk away. Much nuance here.

Rangers · Answer

Because the abusers know how to emotionally blackmail their partner with past favors and convincing them nobody will treat them better.

Abusive parents do the same thing, usually abusers learned from someone, their family is almost certainly where.

Save yourself time and pain by leaving, the second they start trying to use emotional blackmail, like scolding you and expressing disappointment when you stand up for yourself, using statements like "I'm disappointed in you, I thought you were a respectful partner", you need to go, now

Don't tell them what a disgusting abuser they are, just go, they don't care, don't waste one more second, just go

BCRanger10 · Answer

There are three likely reasons. The first is that, like you said, the abuser has something attractive about them or provides the kind of life that the abused wants or needs.

The second is that the abused is holding out hope that the abuser will change, or that the abuser really isn't all that bad. Or the abused is in denial.

A third likely reason is that they are simply afraid of being on their own and trying to find a new and happier relationship.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

I'm beginning to think part of it is separation anxiety. Im not sure but lately I've been noticing a lot of people I know are stuck in a shitty situation because they're afraid no one loves them maybe.

Maybe they need that level of intensity to feel seen.

Quigly · Answer

It's because the person being abused has few choices in their life and the abuser is someone taking advantage of their lack of choices.

In other words, It's not a relationship, It's a living arrangement and they are trapped in that living arrangement.

Dargil · Answer

They are codependent for some reason. Maybe it's money maybe a psychological.

Anonymous · Answer

because abusive relationships aren't always 100% abuse. There are short periods of happiness in that relationship that makes it worthwhile to stay. For people with low self worth, not very assertive, wimpy, it is worthwhile for them to stay.

jshm2 · Answer

Usually it's part of the manipulation that got them into the relationship in the first place.

Nikki1989 · Answer

For many, leaving isn't just an emotional choice—it's a logistical nightmare.

jazzy34 · Answer

They don’t want to get killed by their partner.

exitseven · Answer

I had an uncle who was a cop, he used to say the sadists always find the masochists.

jahaims · Answer

Google it. Basically you brain wants a familiar environment

LiamS95 · Answer

Usually because the abuser makes the abused person feel like it's their fault they're abused.

Anonymous · Answer

They're stupid. I mean we can get specifically into the psychology of it. But at the end of the day it's simply because they're stupid.

888theGreat · Answer

Those women figure no one else would have them

CuriousMufuxka · Answer

Hope that never happens. Or it does for a very limited time.

Anonymous · Answer

You can be in an abusive relationship without even knowing, if you don't know better.

butterly248 · Answer

I can't explain it :(

Anonymous · Answer

They are willing to pay the price.

blackeagle007 · Answer

Self worth, not thinking you can do better

Anonymous · Answer

I often wonder this also 🥹🥲

Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

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