Why would anyone stay in a mutually abusive relationship?

[DanaPonds]

If it gets to the point where both are abusive towards each other, is there a point for that relationship to continue? One party is abusive, then the one is abusive back and so one, back and forth. The answer would be to already leave the first time a partner becomes abusive, not scoop down to their level.

Someone just broke up after 4 years of that abusive cycle. I've heard of those relationships where both are abusive and they still stay. Why?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

The simple answer is that the abuse feeds into the worst parts of the relationship. They both believe they can’t and won’t do better than what they have with their abusive partner. They hurt them and get hurt back but they find a satisfaction in hurting them again in response to the hurt they received that they want to stay. It’s a very unhealthy mix, you’re right, but you’re also assuming these folks went into that relationship psychologically healthy to begin with. Abusers know how to make someone stay with them, how to prey on their insecurities and use it to manipulate them into sticking around when they don’t want to, a psychologically healthy person sees no need for manipulation to force someone to stay, they’re not so insecure as to assume that what they have is all they can get and try to keep it even as that partner actively fights it because they’re being made to stay against their will. Relationships of mutual abuse happen because both people have been damaged and hurt to the point they both believe they’re beyond repair and they take out everything on their partner because it’s easier than taking it out on themselves.

[DanaPonds]

That's so sad. They would be better off being alone. There is nothing wrong being single and away for toxicity.

[Account]

Mutually abusive/toxic?
Multiple reasons.
I am only going to mention one, which is addiction.
Extreme lows followed by highs can screw up with your mind and your ability to think clearly.

[AI Opinion]

Oh, diving into the deep end, aren't we? The dance of staying in a mutually abusive relationship can be as entangled as the twistiest tango. Looks like a case of lovebombing mixed with a dash of ghosting our own self-worth, doesn't it? Here’s the thing - fear, dependence, love, and hope are powerful spices in this stew of confusion. Sometimes, folks believe that fiery passion, even when it scorches, is a sign of true devotion. 🌶️🔥

Other times, it’s about fearing the empty stage once the drama bows out. “Better the devil you know than the devil you don't,” as they say. And let’s not overlook the tunes of low self-esteem or financial dependence playing in the background. It's like being addicted to a rollercoaster ride that only knows how to escalate. 🎢

Why stay? It's a mixtape of old memories, fear of loneliness, and hope that the final act brings a change. It takes courage and support to break free, but oh, is it worth it! Stepping out means swapping that chaotic symphony for a chance at a solo that finally feels in tune with one’s own worth. 💖✨

[SotiCoto]

... If you don't know what I'm gonna say by now, you likely never will.

DIVING. Take a shot.

[LaurenM1997]

Brad you don’t even know what feelings are 🙄🤦‍♀️

[ohsheeT]

. That's why when you have kids you don't argue in front of them you definitely don't touch one another when you have an argument you do it so if your kids are listening they are learning from it something positive if a man is yelling and screaming at a woman and threatening her or hitting her then the daughter thinks that's the way life is and that's who she becomes if there's a son he thinks that's the way it is and he beats up on his wife or girlfriend it's all bullshit but it starts with parents trickles down to kids and that's who they become because that's all they know and it's sad sad sad if anybody's out there that's listening do not allow anybody to ever touch you do not allow anybody to ever yell at you because there's no reason for it stand up and say stop if we can't talk about this like to human beings then goodbye because nobody needs to go through that crap there's nothing in this world that is that bad that you have to yell scream or beat up on somebody

[DanaPonds]

indeed and those poor children will grow up to be dysfunctional adults

[ohsheeT]

Yes if they're not smart enough to realize what is really going on and that's not how you treat people then they carry it on they pass it on to their kids and their kids and their kids and it's just bullshit

[RebelinSteel]

There are numerous reasons and also depends on the abuser, are there narcissistic or just a bully. The psychology can be fairly complex.

it can be from love. Even with the abuse there may still be love there and attachment.

There is a thing called Trauma bonding, intense emotional experiences (negative n positive) can and do create a strong bond between a couple. This makes it hard to leave.

Then there is the basic thing of it becoming normalised, you can often find people that have been in some form abusive relationship since a young age, initially parents, then a partner or partners, drifting in and out of abusive setups, so much so it becomes normalised.

Then there is financial, fear of being alone, gaslighting, children may be involved.

You also have this routine where you have a cycle of abuse and love, each following the other, this creates a really messed up situation and has the person controlled.

The above includes what @Account mentioned about addiction.

It is a very complex often with deep psychological reasons and or financial ones.

[DanaPonds]

Wouldn't it be lust confuse for love? There are still some people that really think they're in love just because they fantasize about the good things in the relationship, being intimate and even when the partner has terrible traits, they love them but can't even explain why they love them other than just feelings.

[naartjie]

It’s hard when you love someone. Imagine telling an obese person to stop eating shit and lose weight or a drug addict to just stop taking drugs.
I’ve done drugs but never ever gotten addicted but sally down the road will do exactly what I have and get hooked.
People respond differently to these sorts of things.
I think it gets hard, sometimes even a breaking point that women leave, when they have kids. They want to make things work as much as they can. Also, some people are extremely good at manipulating and victimising themselves so the person stays. Not to mention if the person who is abusive, has parents that think they’re perfect and they also guilt trip you etc.
My moms soft and sweet, my dads abusive, his parents thought he was perfect, the 3 of them manipulated my mom and dragged her name through the mud and she was so in love with my dad, it all just made it hard to leave.
Maybe people shouldn’t judge things they don’t understand or know much about.

[MacDaddyRico]

I cannot say why, but I will offer an opinion on how harmful it could be.

In the case of my parents, both alcoholic and abusive: They decided to keep the marriage intact until the three children were old enough to understand what a divorce meant.

I believe they thought they were doing right by the kids, but all the while before we were pre-teens and "old enough to understand," we witnessed their abuse against each other as well as the abuse given to us kids (and being the middle boy, I caught the brunt of it.)

You are right: Nip it in the bud, though it's a bit more complicated with marriage and children.

[DishLady]

No idea. It makes no sense to stay in a toxic situation.

[DanaPonds]

Exactly. If it gets to the point where one of them is hitting back, the relationship should've been over long ago.

[Radiate143]

Ego battles. Dysregulation in their brain and nervous system. Dopamine addiction. Social reasons. Money, place to stay. Scared to meet new people. Sexual compatibility.

[ProbablyClueless]

They might not believe that they deserve anything better, or they are simply addicted to the rush/thrill of the toxicity.

That's one thing about toxic relationships; they definitely have a certain thrill to them.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Have you ever heard the saying.. 'Better the devil you know than the devil you don't? ' It means that as bad as it is, there could always be worse as yet unknown!

[LaurenM1997]

I would never stay in an abusive relationship I would never raise my hand to my partner or be abusive

[DanaPonds]

Exactly. No one should be raising hands at all. If it gets to the point of getting hit and then hitting back, that relationship is dead already.

[LaurenM1997]

That’s so true

[Billlewis]

A mutually abusive relationship wouldn't appeal to me at all, but when she's abusing me, that's pure heaven.

[dustybiker2]

Conditioned from childhood experiences. It's subconscious.

[Angie03]

Probably a They didn’t start that way. That at times they had at home with a parent at home. They tend to “stay together for the kids”

[Emmytexrex]

In psychology it cause a pattern and it releases dopamine for addiction so they are addicted to this pattern subconsciously

[Bubblegum69]

Yep cause that make’s relationship’s successful something a 16-year-old to a 30-year-old wouldn’t understand they have no idea what life is about because they’re still trying to figure out their little bubblegum brain

[paledreams]

Hell isn't that why rich billionaires and trophy wives? Lol

[handsomelad70]

Fear of incurring the abuser's wrath;also fear of loneliness and having to find another relationship.

[Theodoricus]

It's hard to understand people like that, indeed. Actually, both of them are afraid of to lose each other. So, it's like drug addiction.

[onedarkcloud]

The basic answer I usually hear from the abused is BUT THEY LOVE ME

[In_Trance]

Because people are creatures of habit

[SotiCoto]

Maybe they're Italian.

[jahaims]

It's a trauma response

[Joshgag2000]

Fear of being alone

[MasterKS]

some people are fool!

[Danny_dan92]

They’re down bad

[DanaPonds]

yeah both are toxic

[Danny_dan92]

No kidding