What does an emotional affair mean to a man? I’ve been married to my husband 15 years, we have 4 children & have what I believe it a great r/s?

[Anonymous]

He has since told me “everything” and I have read back to 2016 when they first got back in touch after years of lost contact. His word conencides with the messages, that they have never been sexual in the past or recent, though they always had a close bond and feelings, though never acted on them. Around two years ago the messages got heated, pictures and videos were exchanged and they spoke a lot of how they felt a sexual chemistry. The woman wanted more and my husband said he couldn’t do it to me, from then she backed off but they remained “friends.”From the messages she never indicated sexual contact again but at Christmas, they had a slight disagreement and she said she loved him. He replied that he didn’t love her in the way that he loves me, and that I could never be replaced. She said she accepted. From what I know from reading the messages and him, they have met a few times over the years but never alone, he had helped her once when she broke down, lent her money another time, helped her move in a third time and the fourth they accidentally on purpose bumped into eachother on a night out. Hugs were exchanged but nothing more. He messages her more than she messages him, it’s almost daily, no phone calls etc, and they haven’t saw eachother in person in nearly a year. He tells her everything, more than what he tells me. his thoughts, feelings, dreams, our ups and downs, secrets he’s never told me. On occasions they have not spoken for a while they will tell eachother they miss eachother, they don’t put kisses, or say they lv eachother other than the time stated. He told me she’s just a friend, and he loves me and would never leave me. But says he cares about her. she’s tried to stop contact over the years a few times and it’s always him getting back in touch again. From a male point of view, what’s going on

[roxbby]

I would say that this is cheating, but because of your four children and such a long marriage, I would say give him only one chance to prove himself as not a cheater by not ever talking to her again. Attraction adds onto love, and if he sees her as an attractive best friend of the preferred sex, he obviously has feelings for her (literally do not care what he says—he does, and people tend to feel much closer when they talk about personal things). To save his relationship with you, he’s going to be honest about some details but say other details in a way that is deceptive or changing details to make it not seem as bad as it is. He’ll be honest and say he had an affair but then he doesn’t want to make it sound too bad, so he says that he doesn’t love her… but you do realize that in his point of view, if he says the truth, he knows he’ll lose you... And if you’re wondering if he likes two people at the same time, he more likely doesn’t. I’ve seen some comments about telling personal things to a best friend to have another perspective, but it doesn’t make sense when it goes to the extent of secrets that YOU don’t even know. It means he’s more excited to talk to her than him. You’re going to naturally defend him and see him in the best light because you obviously love him, but you have to realize that he is lying if he says he doesn’t have feelings for her. From now, I would say to set the boundary and cut off all relations with this woman if he wants to save the relationship. If you find him talking to her again, you divorce him. He’s a real piece of s* if he’s going to keep talking to her. And even if he makes the excuse of her being a friend, he needs to realize that if he cares about his relationship with you, he needs to respect your boundaries, ESPECIALLY after having an affair. If he continues debating to keep contact with her, it means he has some kind of attachment to her that is stronger than yours (probably a mix of best friend, romance, and sex), and ultimately, you should divorce him if he cannot give her up for you and cannot respect your boundaries (it’s not too controlling when it’s the PERSON HE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH). Stay firm on your ground and do not let love cloud your logic. I wish for the best in this messy and hurtful situation! I know it’s not easy at all, and I’ve seen some insensitive comments here insulting why you can’t see it logically like everyone else, and the thing is that love is truly that powerful. You aren’t dumb at all—everyone gets clouded by love. But you need to realize that you now need to have and enforce a bar of expectations when it comes to loyalty in this situation… The only reason why I would not advise divorce is if it is impossible to leave him due to a financial situation.

[mobiusforniner]

I am the exact guy in this situation. Been married 9 years. Your description of events is uncannily similar to mine. Long story short, he loves her.

I fell in love with my "friend" too. She reconnected with me after several years having moved out of state. She was well aware I had feelings for her and even created scenarios for us to be alone together. We never said we loved each other, or talked about our feelings. But the tension, the gifts, the desire to be alone together... It was too much. I knew if my friend wanted to make it happen, I'd screw her in a heartbeat. My wife didn't trust her. So I was honest- I told my friend I love her and I recognized how my presence in her life would only bring her pain and confusion. I decided to end the relationship so she could move on and find happiness without me. She was devastated. I'm still married, but the emotional damage was incredible. I am still healing from that.

Emotional affairs are almost worse than one-off physical affairs because feelings are invested. Tell your husband you want this woman gone. She's simply biding her time.

[Asker]

Wow this is the comment that hit deep 😞 but excaclty what I was looking for when I don’t this thread. I came across 5 years worth of messages, so have read a lot into their “friendship.” He told me things got heated at one point for a few months, she wanted to act on it but he never. He’s maintained he’s only ever liked her as a friend, but have messages where he says he trusts her, cares for her, is closer to her than any of his male friends, trusts her and is attracted to her. At one point he even said he values her too much to have sex with her, as they wouldn’t be able to make love and she’s worth more than just a f***k. I have asked him not to speak with her again, and he’s agreed although says I’m over reacting. If he continues to talk with her I will have to leave.

[mobiusforniner]

Glad my life experience could lend some credence to an otherwise complex situation. Its funny, cuz I said I "care" for my friend too. Care is another word for "have feelings for". My friend tried breaking up too by ghosting me. She felt so bad and kept coming back. Ironically thats when I knew we werent friends. She would never hug me in front of my wife, but when we were alone, oh hell, she had no problems putting her arms around me. If you sense or feel its "off" it probably is.

[mobiusforniner]

And be patient. Dont get upset or give ultimatums. The situation is complex. I feel women who put themselves in this situation have extreme lacking confidence. For me, my friend suffered sexual abuse at an early age, which probably made her avoid relationships. But the heart is tricky and it wants what it wants. My wife never blamed my affair partner, how could she? Her crime was loving someone who makes her feek safe and happy. Problem was, i should not have been that man. And i have a very hard time knowing my friend endured physical trauma and must now deal with the emotional trauma, only because I loved her enough to let her go

[Asker]

Ironically she too went through something similar, which I was unaware of until he told but she has endured some trauma growing up. She seems quite pleasant from what I’ve read, and they have general chit chat, about work, children, life. He’s said he will cut all contact with her, and appreciates it’s hurt me, but remains sure there was nothing in it other than friendship…. Yet he’s snappy and moping around, he seems distant when we talk, as if he’s deep in thought. I take it he misses her, and I hope he doesn’t hold be to blame for him feeling this way. Did you always love your wife through it all? I’m not sure if he’s staying for convince, she’s also married, so it’s not like they can run away together.

[mobiusforniner]

Yes I love my wife. And my kids. Which is why I refuse to leave them to serve a selfish compulsion to be with someone else. Again the circumstances leading to this kind of thing are complex. there's usually something lacking in the marriage which causes a spouse to find validation elsewhere. For me, my wife and i were having issues with in laws and my wife would side with her parents over me. It went on for years. My friend observed this and capitalized on it, making me value and defend her because she "gets it". Its been a year for me. I haven't fully recovered from the affair. Probably won't. Its changed me as a person. Its changed my wife too. But marriage is a commitment. Keep working on it, be patient, understand it hurts for him. It hurts you. Emotional affairs hurt.

[exitseven]

She is a good friend to him. Sometimes being of the opposite sex makes it confusing at times. You should feel secure in your marriage. She is a friend to him and somebody who he can confide in. Lots of times you cannot tell your SO things because it might make you look weak or somehow deficient. Ask yourself if this would be a big deal if it was a guy?

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO😎

[Asker]

What’s that? Confused

[exitseven]

Most Helpful Opinion. Evidently you let the GaG algorithm decide for you.

[OlderAndWiser]

How many years did he hide this from you and how did you finally learn about it?

[GreatnessBack]

Yeah, no. Unless this is an open marriage or multiple wives, (she's not a wife anyway), there should be no reason to tell her everything that he doesn't tell you. You should be the main person he tells lots of things to FIRST.
I would not accept this in my marriage and would have to have a looong talk.
It's one thing to shoot the shit with non-spouses, I do it all the time, but not important private things, unless financial advisor or therapist, and even so, my wife knows what I'm divulging.

[Zweihander9005]

Sounds like he loves her just as much as he loves you, just in different ways. You may be the one he chose, but that doesn’t mean his love for her will just disappear. I would say just accept it for what it is right now. Because if you force him to chose, it will make him run to her.

[boggboss]

I would call it emotional cheating espresso it being spicy at 1 point although if that never happened I would see no issue

[Asker]

Do you think he could possibly have love for her? That’s my main worry. Attraction I can deal
With, she’s pretty, nice figure, blonde, but love is deep and love will hurt me

[boggboss]

Impossible to know possibly either way

[Chr1st0ph3rG901]

Sometimes there are things that I just don't feel comfortable with talking to my girlfriend about because I don't want to get the reaction I expect from her.

[Asker]

Can you elaborate more please

[Chr1st0ph3rG901]

It's unfair for me to assume that I already know my girlfriend's answers/reactions to my questions/thoughts, but that's exactly what I do. I guess I just want her to see things differently.

It can be dangerous to talk to another woman about personal matters because it usually causes a relationship that strains your romantic relationship.

[Asker]

What kind of relationship would that be too a man?

[Chr1st0ph3rG901]

If it put any unwanted stress on my romantic relationship, I would consider it an emotional affair. If not, just a friendship.

[AviatorTom]

He has a very close female friend, in whom he's willing and able to confide in, while remaining committed to your marriage. You've got a keeper.

[IsoUser]

I generally don't like to get involved in these issues so I am just staying out of it personally. Besides it's better if the couple works things out between themselves or with a therapist who is 100 percent neutral.

[007kingifrit]

well your husband hasn't done much wrong here. except that having friends of the opposite sex while married is always not ok, men and women are NEVER just friends

[Wise4myage]

I say nothing, other than getting off. But it is cheating.

[Asker]

What does getting off mean please

[Wise4myage]

Cumming.

[Asker]

Hmmm he’s turned her down pretty much for the past 5 years….

[jahaims]

Doing or saying something that you wouldn't be doing in front of your partner.

[Intothevoid666]

I don't know but most women have crushed on a gut while dating someone else

[Kkstarzz96]

if a girl likes a guy while she has a boyfriend then the boyfriend was to distract her from someone else she would rather be with, or he has done too many things that pushes her away, that looking at another guy feels better than working it out with him, because nothing works.

[Intothevoid666]

@Kkstarzz96 yes and most women do that in my experience

[Kkstarzz96]

if I was eyeing someone while I had a boyfriend, in my experience it's not that i wasn't actually lusting over the guy, I was just very unhappy and wanted to look forward to something. there tends to be guys at work who always make an extra effort to say hello to you and talk to you when when can, and it feels really nice someone pays attention to you like that if you're not getting any in your relationship at the time. nothing ever happened with any other guy after I broke up with the boyfriend, it was just a matter of dissatisfaction in the relationship I wanted to be mentally free from.

[Intothevoid666]

@Kkstarzz96 women are the first ones to claim emotional cheating is so bad yet they are the first ones to do it. Just my observation

[jimmy2]

Damn they can't be friends. He needs to choose you or her. I pray he chosse you and your children. She needs to go

[Avicenna]

He wants to cheat physically

[Asker]

But he’s had the opportunity with her a few times and refused, although this was around two years ago and maybe his feelings have got deeper since

[Uptowngirl88]

He don't want to be with you.

[Asker]

But he’s adamant he does, and told her he’s happy at home, that he loves me and I can never be replaced? Or does he just love the life we have

[Uptowngirl88]

His actions say different. He's just telling that to keep you around just in case the other woman doesn't work out. He's trying to replace u. Wake up. He can't replace u without a back up plan. Once he gets who he truly wants then he's getting rid of u

[Uptowngirl88]

He don't want to be with you, mam. What don't you understand

[missmels]

Actions speak louder than words. He’s telling you what you want to hear and true you’re the mother of his children so your role can’t actually be replaced. But it sounds like he feels stuck in the marriage and wants to be out - most likely be with her. His actions are still reaching out to another woman to fulfill his needs, even if they’ve been just emotional but they have sexual chemistry. He wants it with her.

[Uptowngirl88]

@missmels !!! yes!!!

[Asker]

Do You think it’s possible to have feelings for two people, or love one but have feelings for the other, or love both even as much as I hate that thought. I do feel as though he loves me, he’s never said a bad word about me to her, he never knew I would find the messages yet always told her he loved me, would never leave me, I’m irreplaceable, and he’s happy in the relationship, if he wanted her sexually he could have had her by now….

[Uptowngirl88]

Girl no he don't want to be with you. He wants out but you won't let the poor man go

[HateyouxD]

But maybe she isn't allowing the sexual act to happen right now... maybe cause he's still with you psychically. You gotta think about that. Also, how far are you going to deny the fact the man is emotionally cheating on you. It's still being unfaithful and you're gonna talk your head off until it pops trying to defend a man whose being emotionally vulnerable with his mistress... like.

[Asker]

@HateyouxD I’m not defending him, but I’m just trying to understand him before I throw 15 years away

[HateyouxD]

Understand he doesn't want to be with you.
It's really his loss. Everyone here in this comment section are blue in the face explaining... to you... why... he's.. not... faithful. you've even written it out yourself. Like. I know it hurts but stop acting slow. Like get an understanding from him. Show him you have proof and tell him to spill it and or just leave his sorry ass

[Uptowngirl88]

Yeah like what don't she get? He don't want to be with her

[Asker]

None of you lot are very helpful in the slightest, and seem very immature. I’m sure neither of u have had a 15 year relationship. He hasn’t physically cheated, yes he’s emotionally cheated in my opinion, which is some what worse as she means something to him… but he’s put me before her, and always will. Life is difficult, maintaining a long relationship over decades involves hard work, people can’t help feelings, he can’t help his feelings. Although he’s wanted to, and had many opportunities, he’s never had sex or done anything with her, no matter how much she pushed for it. I’m not saying what he’s done is right, it isn’t, but in life not everything goes the way you want it to. He’s been a lovely husband to me, he’s my best friend, how can I Chuck it all away over a friendship… yes she wanted more but he chose me.

[HateyouxD]

So why waste your breath on this whole post lol you seem to have it allllll figured out!👍🏽

[Uptowngirl88]

This is a perfect example of why he wants to leave you.

[Uptowngirl88]

@HateyouxD I see why he wants to leave her lol

[Asker]

@HateyouxD I was mainly looking for male options on the situation and where his head could be, you are a female I see, which is why u lack the understanding I’m looking for. Thanks all the same, but I don’t need to be spoken to so rudely and abrupt, like I’m stupid or burying my head in the sand, u don’t know me or my life, or what I’m planning to do regarding my situation. Maybe next time; don’t speak down to people and assume people are thick.

[Uptowngirl88]

@asker you lack understanding of the fact he wants out. He don't want you that's why he's cheating. He wants out.

[Uptowngirl88]

He's most likely not attracted to you anymore

[missmels]

@asker It’s not that we’re immature, you’re just upset that we’re not telling you what you want to hear. If you want to stay in a relationship where he doesn’t want to fully be with you - that’s on you. You’d be making each other miserable. That’s you settling based on comfort, while he’s out seeking what he needs elsewhere. Male or female can see CLEARLY what your husband is thinking. He’s cheating because he wants to be elsewhere. You’re just blocked from seeing the truth because it’s not what you want to hear.

[missmels]

@asker it’s not a friendship, he’s gone above and beyond. Whether the relationship has been 1 year, 5 years, 15 years, or 50 years - that’s cheating and that should be unacceptable. People can’t help feelings, but they can help the situations they put themselves in, he allowed and participated in this relationship with this other woman and let it get so deep. Only because of the technicality of being married has he not gone further. If he was putting you first, you wouldn’t be in this situation and he wouldn’t be involved with her. See the light.

[Tstrbrainer]

Maybe he loved her before?

[Asker]

Do u think that could be the case? They were close at high school but nothing ever happened between them. He maintains to me that he doesn’t love her, and that it’s just merely caring for a friend, the same he would a guy.

[Tstrbrainer]

That's a possibility too, like someone here said it gets confusing in such friendships.

By the way I don't know if this is relevant, but I've once read that men don't care much about emotional cheating, so there's a chance that he's unaware of the impact his friendship having on you.

He might have had a crush on her or vice versa back in school, but from what I've read so far, your marriage is not lost.