I’ve never been good at standing up for myself. I’m constantly talked down to and treated like a door mat. Like I’m just a stupid little girl who doesn’t understand anything. That I’m too dumb and naive. That I can’t say no. But no matter how often I tell myself I will prove them wrong I always cower and hide in my shell anyway.
Is there anyway to break this natural instinct? To stand up and show people I am worth while?
When I was young (5th-8th grade, primarily), I was bullied severely. Why? Because I was taught, by well-meaning but naïve parents, that "fighting was bad." I was afraid to defend myself because I would get into trouble, and people wouldn't like me. The truth, which I didn't realize at the time, is that people didn't like me BECAUSE I didn't stand up for myself.
The last couple of months of 8th grade, the bullying got so bad that I couldn't take it anymore, and I ended up getting into a bunch of physical fights with various bullies. I realize you aren't going to get into physical fights, but, trust me, that's not the important part. What's relevant is that I STOPPED CARING about what anyone else thought about me - I believed everyone would hate me if I stood up for myself, but I decided to accept that outcome if that's what it took to stop the bullying - and I stood up for myself.
And what was the ACTUAL outcome? Well, the bullies didn't like me any more than before, but everyone ELSE started treating me FAR better once I stood up for myself - and the bullies mostly left me alone.
You don't stand up for yourself because you believe it will make people not like you - but people ALREADY don't like you, and a few never will, but MOST people WANT to like you, but they simply can't UNTIL you start standing up for yourself, and until you do it repeatedly and consistently so they believe that YOU believe it. THEN, and only then, will most people start liking you more, and treating you better.
I know that seems completely backwards on the surface, but that IS in fact how the world works. Think about it - the coolest, most popular people you know are the way they are because THEY DO NOT CARE what ANYONE thinks of them.
You too need to stop caring what others think of you, and when you do, people will actually think BETTER of you. That's the secret.
Wait wait wait wait okay so check it out you don't have to be bold you don't have to be big you don't have to be loud you don't have to be anything except for yourself to stand up for yourself when people are in your face or trying to belittle you you have two options look and see who is actually talking to you because they probably have no room to talk but when people are doing this are when people are bullying you is because you have allowed them to do so or when you get upset you say something and you're not saying the right words the best thing to do is walk away not say anything because that will piss them off because that's what they want you to do they want you to be that little girl they want you to throw a tenter tantrum because then they feel like they're overpowering you they're in control of you if they can make you do that fuck that look at the real reasons why they're doing it not that they're doing it who cares that they're doing it you quit communicating with them and just walk away then what they're either going to stop or learn from it or they're going to get so pissed off they can't see straight standing up for yourself is walking away you don't have to give anybody an explanation for anything that you do you do what you do for your reason and your reasoning and there's nothing wrong with that if you ever want to chat let me know send me a DM I can explain it better more but I'm on my way to work right now so I hope that help
In my experience it's because some people can't understand how someone can be wise yet sweet and gentle.
Yes speak your mind and learn to say No firmly.
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Be more imperious. People respect independence and self confidence, and that's what you have to practice. You don't need others to get through life, others need you, you are worth more to yourself than others are worth to you, that's why you won't compromise on your wants for their sakes, it's your way or the highway and they need to understand that. You have to be willing to lose them, you have to be willing to be disliked and you have to be willing to hurt them, if you must.
Ask yourself the right questions: what are some things you can do to increase your self confidence? What do you feel insecure about? That's what you have to work on. They're calling you dumb? Then study up and get smarter, learn to debate and form an argument, write about the topics you're learning about, you'll be running mental circles around those plebeians in no time.
What scares you so much about confrontation? What terrible thing will happen if the big bad man raises his voice? Nothing. It's all posturing. Take a self defense class, it'll make you feel prepared for anything. Maybe an acting class too, if you like, it'll help you express yourself better. Meditate and exercise regularly, to improve your focus and lower your stress.
All of these are just steps to make you feel better about yourself, most people don't, not really, but once you do? No one can touch you.
It'll take time, you won't change overnight or even soon. Don't take on too much at once, take small steps first and keep a diary and write about your progress every week, then a year from now, go back and see how much you've changed. Never forget that slow and steady wins the race.
One last thing, know what is the number one obstacle of progress? Complacency. Never be satisfied, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy with your progress, it means you should always be aiming higher.
Best of luck, feel free to ask questions if you have any.
@StormMistress This is the BEST answer you will ever receive. Screenshoot this. I'm very serious.
1) You are NOT your conditioning. It can be changed. (imma tell you how)
2) It's important to understand that when you go to change your conditioning and act on it, you will meet with something called a terror barrier. It means your conditioning is outside of its comfort zone. That is all it means... and so you feel discomfort
3) Ask yourself these prompts:
- What if I was super comfortable standing up for myself?
- What if everyone respected me?
When you ask yourself these questions allow yourself to feel what it would feel like if it were true.
Keep doing this until you feel like you are truly comfortable standing up for yourself
4) Visualize yourself standing up for yourself and it working out well
- The purpose of this is the same as #3
5) Lastly, act on it. Action is the quickest way to alter the conditioning. I'm going to give you the secret. Don't share this with anyone. The way to get around the conditioning is to decide then attack. You have to act immediately as soon as you get the impulse to stand up for yourself. If you let time pass your conditioning will grow stronger in influence. Remember the discomfort you feel is your conditioning not being in harmony with what you thinking and doing. You don't have to do what the conditioning wants. It's your conditioning, not the other way around. Once you do it a few times you will realize it was never that bad at all. It was just the conditioning's influence making you think it was so scary.
Yes, I think this is personality and early life programming/wounds that has suppressed your greater self.
You have to grow out of the early traumas controlling you. Sensitive/empathic people get hurt more easily and thus controlled. The emotions and empathy are great emotional powers when you are coming from love/strength rather than lower emotions of fear/shame, self loathing, lacking esteem.
I had a lot of these behaviors, it's better now. I still have to work on it. I'd rather be hurt by someone than hurt them, I put myself 2nd to favor others, etc. It's really self screwing in this world, so you have to work on it.
Spiritual is one thing, finding Christ in your heart and fostering that so you build on foundation of love rather than other emotions, for this is what the personality really good at... giving... it feeds soul.
Stop giving a 'F' about others opinions and feelings is a great concept. It frees you to have power. The sick, controlling or more narcissistic/not empathetic people will manipulate and pull you down... on purpose and they will enjoy it. So you have to learn to recognize their behavior and thus take back and contain self respect and power.
Practice saying no and feeling good about it.
As you go about life, put yourself in challenging emotional scenarios and overcome them... write down how you feel, look for root experiences that limit you and pray the truth into those. The truth sets you free of what your childs mind interpreted long ago, that is still controlling/limiting your response today. Get free of the restraints that no longer serve you.
There may be parenting wounds in here that need resolved. Help from counselors or those (friends you trust) who are helpful in helping you see yourself more clearly can expose behaviors and associated memories that are limiting. Those need healed emotionally.
That's a start...
I think this thing constantly has to be practiced. Like, it won't come easily.
What is your self concept? If you don't think highly of yourself, say in social context or in general, then your outside reality will often reflect that. You tore yourself up in your opening paragraph. Is that how you feel about yourself.
Boundaries are really important. Again, this is tied to self concept. As is saying no. Those who value and love themselves don't do things they don't want to do, hang around with people who drag them down, try and keep better quality company, know how to say no.
Conflict isn't easy, for people like me. People will often attack in an emotional way, and that's not easy to deal with as I don't like attacking people in an emotional way. However, you can use your congruence to think of the way that you'd like to respond in a reasonable way. If someone has been rude to you, and you haven't dealt with it there and then. You can calmly ask to speak to them later, and say you don't like the way you were spoken to earlier, you thought it was rude. Keep it simple and essential.
Self help videos are good on youtube, for building the life you want and self esteem. See Ralph Smart and Teal Swan.
Working on yourself in general is always good. You can do it, chicklette!
You're a submissive, that doesn't make you stupid, naive or weak in any way.
Your submission is a *strength*.
But try to recognize that you have a *right* to take up some space too.
Don't give up on your submissiveness, it's a good thing and not something to be ashamed of.
But anyone that's ordering you around that actually is worth following will want you to be okay too.
And they'll want to know if you really need something.
So don't think of letting people know how you're feel as being somehow opposed to them or anything like that.
Letting them know how you're feeling can be a part of your service to them.
They can't make informed decisions without knowing everything relevant to the decisions in question, including their consequences for *you*
And if someone knowingly disregards your wellbeing it might be easier for you to disregard their will...
1. Have confidence and believe in yourself.
2. Rather than waiting for chances, take up the chances as if you are snatching them.
3. Do not be polite always. It is a bad thing to be polite always. People begin to take you for granted, do not consider you, assume things about you. Not a good thing. It is better to be on good terms with people you actually can, and on bad or medium terms with some other people.
4. I would advise you to assert dominance. That way you will get balanced rather than going overboard.
5. Be reckless a bit. Do not be considerate. Too much. It is toxic to not be reckless at all.
There are far more experienced people than myself here. I just pointed out the things I noticed in other people as well as myself.
One thing that might help is breaking down their put downs. Listen to what they say, what exactly are they trying to insult about you, and see it from their view. Are they feeling threatened by you, do they get pleasure from it? Most people with an inferiority complex will put others down in order to make them feel better.
But it all starts by understanding why the insults are happening. Once you realize it's not you, you're just a substitute to "take the hit", you can dodge the attack and it's easier to stay composed and fight back.
Do you mean at work or in general?
If it's at work, forget about it. You're much better off being the person that does what she's told and doesn't argue, trust me. It's worth being a doormat at work, it will get you far in the long run.
As far as social settings, with family, and just in general. Stop being a sweet little gentle flower inside. I'm not saying become a bitch, but you have to learn to cool your heart and let out your inner demon.
When you start to see people as nothing but annoying objects blocking the view, you'll toughen up.
That's not a person with feelings and insecurities and reasons for the way they're treating you. That's a fat rotten sac of scum that will be destroyed and fed to the dogs if it gets in your way and disrespects you.
Fuck them!!! God dammit. Grow some fucking balls. Fuck people and their little problems. They can shove it all the way up their ass and choke on it
I never saw you in this way miss storm, i have a feeling that you're a good kind hearted smart lady 😌
No one is allowed to hurt you because you were born to be loved and taken care of, women are special and beautiful when they really act as women and nit trying to be men "feminists"
Don't ever listen to someone who belittles you, always trust yourself and be sure that you deserve all respect and that you're precious like any other person who is decent and respectful 😊
First of who are these people that treat you this way cause if they don't treat you the way you need to be treated the cut them off cause everybody deserves respect. I don't even know you but I can already tell your a sweetheart. People will always take your kindness for weakness. When you get tired of it you'll flip out on them and they'll stop or just adopt a big brother like me and I promise all of that will stop immediately. Just tell them how you feel and see where it goes from there and if you need to talk hit me up ok
Building confidence in any skill requires starting with small safe versions of practice until you have achieved mastery of those and are prepared to move on to bigger and better things. Increase the difficulty and the risk as time goes on and you may surprise yourself what you are capable of. Toastmasters and debate clubs are a great way to build verbal confidence, which is a transferable skill into standing up for yourself.
That's a universal excellent but difficult question. Lacking self confidence depending partly on the way you were raised, there's no magic trick, but you could just train to stay calm and determined. Self confidence will slowly but surely increase according your growing understanding of why other people behave that way with you. Keep in mind that the most annoying bully actually themselves miss self confidence, and if you're tired of them, just leave them along the road.
I found that playing D&D helped a ton with me acting like the self I want to be. It's a safe way to practice these sorts of things and saying what you want, saying no to things, being a badass etc. Then I took that practice and started slowly applying it to my real life. Hopefully something like that would help you to. :-)
You have to take a deep dive into your own mind and your past to to figure out why you have a subconscious need to be treated like this, or why you accept it or feel like it is normal, because you keep letting it happen by not standing up for yourself. Did your dad or mom treat you like this? Or did one of them treat the other like this, or one of their parents treat them like this? Is this something that seemed like a normal part of your childhood? You have to break the cycle.
m That’s actually something you can practice, even with a personality coach. You would start with small situations, for example someone cutting in line at the register.
Just fight back forget what they're saying cuz it's irrelevant n jealousy n hateful things.. words are words til someone decides to throw the first blow I guess.. have you ever heard renegade by hed pe
m just tell them to fuck off and keep walking... lol
you don't actually have to stand there, lol
You need to build confidence in yourself. Do not ever second guess yourself. State the facts get to the point. And never give a NeverEnding story. Always be sure of yourself. Learn to be aggressive. Do not be passive/aggressive
Small steps. Next time you see it happening, formulate your argument, or your perspective. Even if you can’t get it out immediately, you can raise it after the fact as a retrospective discussion
If you are unsure if something is good for you, say "no" by default. At least give yourself time to think about it.
Living in Austrailia isn't making it easy for you, the culture there is quite racist and sexist.
Just learn to be a bit agresive with polite truth like if a gyys a jerk you say your attitude towards people is very bad
Actions speak louder than words. Always let people know that if they hurt you, retribution will come.
Practice saying "no" in the mirror, then practice it with friends or family, on benign things.
Stand form with your choices and be honest with person don’t do what they want all the time
Be positive, be sincere in commitment, no mental stress
Assertively boldly and daringly like David vs Goliath
Practice makes perfect.
You better learn how to
Take assertiveness classes if possible
Group classes
Or what abuse means and what it is like and what to do when you're abused
Learn Krav Maga or BJJ
First to learn not to shut down
just like you are saying now...
Set realistic boundaries, and stick to them.
Just tell them shut up leave me alone
Dig deep and find your self confidence.
Buy a gun
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