My affair has ended?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been having an emotional affair with a friend for 5 years, nothing physical has ever happened, though we hold hands and cuddle of the rare occasions we have met. The past year things have been messy between us, I’m t sure if we gradually lost interest, and got bored, but the past year we have been more distant than others in the past. We have fell out and had minor disagreements a lot, and spoke a lot less than usual. I feel he’s let me down a lot, and wasn’t there for me like I’d be there for him, I know he’s not my partner and he has his own responsibilities but it’s still how I feel, I told him I wanted to end it, and told him to leave me alone. He said he didn’t want too, and can’t imagine me not being in his life but if it’s what I wanted he would do it. A few months later, I slightly regretted my decision and wanted to make contact, I did, and he expressed happiness, he said I made him feel hurt and upset, he said it felt as though he had been dumped in a relationship and he was happy I had returned as he didn’t think I would. We spoke as usual for a few weeks following that and then he became distant. He stopped making an effort to communicate, and seemed uniterested if I did, I expressed how I felt and he made excuses to act the way he was. After trying to make a Mens for a while I decided to leave him to it, I don’t doubt he busy, but he’s never been too busy for me in the past. I have since not contacted him, and I won’t becus I won’t impose on his life. I’m just worrying if he’s likely to make contact, or will he always begrudge me for wanting to end what we had. I miss him terribly, and I’m confident he will miss me at least a little, you can’t be so close to someone for so many years and just earase them from your mind. He’s got a very stubborn personality, I’m not even sure what I’m trying to ask…..

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[Guy13]

Wow, that's intense though. More intense than physical sometimes?

[Asker]

I believe so, he always said what he had was worth more than sex 😔

[Guy13]

Losing that emotional is tough. Think you're husband can fill it? Train him maybe?

[Asker]

No that is what I find so hard, no one will ever be him, no one can ever replace who he is to me, the same as my husband cannot be replaced. I know it sounds really bad from an outsider point of view, and I always beleived people who had affairs are horrible people, loving him hasn’t made me love my husband any less. It’s like having a second baby, it doesn’t take any love away from the first, new love just grows. I think if it was physical, it could have been easily replicated, but I’ll never find an emotional attachment and connection like we had with anyone. I guess time will be the best healer 😢

[Anonymous]

Don't you feel like you wasted your time?

[Asker]

No, my life hasn’t been on hold for him. We are both married, and so our own personal life has always been fully lived, then we have always had a deep caring connection between ourselves. It was like a sprinkling off added happiness to an already happy life. It was never the affair where we long to be together, and planning to run off into the sunset. We have always been happy with our home life, and just fell into the trap of a friendship turning into deep feelings. I have known him since high school, but I would say the past 5 years is how long it’s been almost relationship like between us, secretly of course.