Is this the end of an 8 year affair? What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone been through a true affair. I’m affair I’m in the wrong, but life doesn’t always play out the way you expect, and believe it or not you could fall into the same situation easily enough. I didn’t go out looking for an affair, and it’s only since things turned physical that I relised what it was. I have been married 15 years, and so has he. We worked together for the first 6 years of the so called “affair” but back then it was purely platonic, both our partners knew about our friendship. In 2020 whilst we were forced to work from home is where things started to change between us. We was so used to seeing each other daily we relised we missed each other, we would text and phone all day, and express how saddening it feels to not be around each other. The longer the weeks rolled into months the stronger the missing them felt. I think this is the part we’re feelings were made apparent. We didn’t act on them, and just texted from time to time catching up. 2022 we went back to work properly, things were gd for a year, then the past yr he got a promotion and moved. Unlike before when we missed each other he just seemed to busy for me. We met up a lot with work colleagues and we still was very friendly. He would text from time to time just checking in, but nothing of the extent we spoke before. Somehow from things dying down between us we ended up having sex. It obviously was not planned, we was drunk, although it was amazing, it was a one off. He stressed he didn’t want this to end our friendship but since has been the one even more distant. Of course we love the people we are married too, and there will be a lot of people angry with what I write due to being on the other side of this I have been too. But it’s not any better this side either, loving two people hurts, constantly feelings such an urge to be with someone and then feeling so guilty and 💔 for the other. I can never rest, I am never happy, if I could end it all I would if I didn’t have kids. I am stuck

Updates

+1 y

For all the comments, I never said I loved my work friend. I know I care about him, and he’s special in some way. But it’s not love, and he doesn’t love me either. I think looking back we have both been missing something, we both got into relationships at a young age, got married young, had children young, there was so many similarities we could relate too. I think for me I had a lack of emotional intimacy with my husband. I didn’t realise it as he’s been the only relationship I’ve ever been…

Updates

+1 y

I know what I have done is wrong, on all levels. But I’ve never so much as kissed another man prior to this happening, and I very much doubt my husband could say the same. When I originally got close to this friend we was on very bad terms in our marriage, we was more or less single, we didn’t speak or have sex. Some how we worked through it and I learned to love him again, it was like I let a friend in whilst my guard was down. It’s definitely over. But I can’t see any good coming from being

[lightbulb27]

Married 15 years... you can put up with the same human for that long? That's the problem, you were raised with values and relationship dried up. Mind blowing these days, congrats!

So that was an emotional affair that turned physical. Yes, he doesn't want to trash his life further, so disconnecting. What does "if I could end it all... I would" mean... shame rising up? To stop the pain? Yea ghosting/being cutoff feels like that. The way out of that is to trace back to the roots of the issue, find the underlying wounds and issues that created the scenario, then fix those... in yourself. e. g. responsible adult stuff... it's hard work, but then it wasn't a waste, it was beneficial. Jedi mind tricks! I get the sense though you saw this guy as your bailout to your desperate life?

No more shame to you than him, you just wrote it down, which is probably good. You're both going to hell for eternity though, so make ice! just kidding, same crap happened at my church at a high level and they recovered, with pain and sorrows and such. Avoid problems, I really appreciate my wifes early teachings on this matter... we just don't know how stupid we are, and can't trust the other sex either, so requires boundaries/avoidance... to avoid headaches like this.. she learned hard way... pain makes wisdom!

Alcohol... make a list of all the problems it causes and how to manage it, that will pay big dividends. However, I'm not going to blame a distilled beverage... he chose to get drunk, you weren't... and why were you with him one on one? You are a culprit here. That is for you to diagnose... for you don't even regret it, you regret the loss. So that means your relationship is... technically speaking... crapola... and that you own sorting out. Not an issue why you lost your "new drug"... the drug irrelevant right now, but is the motivator to change! All chemical's you got flowing now are "ludicrous mode" stimulants for change.

Sad for your respective spouses, but I'm sure they had it comin', those bastards! ok, Im sure they have some blame. This what happens when people get too close, mixing males/females to work closely together being their best, etc.. Our society is really naive.

Maybe time to write a book or netflix special or a country music song.

The guilt, not sure what to do with that... the confession, if/when it comes out, may be difficult. Probably anger... take videos so we can all learn.

You're on GAG, you know how pathetic most of us are (not me, I'm mostly perfect), and we're the honest ones. Welcome to GAG, and stop hiding behind an anon profile ya chicken.

If stuck, get therapist, watch videos, write... burn it up. I wouldn't want your hell, and that's the truth, the "hell" is in the emotions here and now as you now know. Own fixing it.

[hahahmm]

You're like a drug addict who says, "it's not my fault I'm hooked on this drug. I just kept a pile of it in front of me and played with it for years, knowing the risks but not caring. Then one day it just jumped in my nose."

If you really love your husband then you will cut off 100% of communication with the other guy. You created this situation by getting emotional support from another man, instead of your husband, a therapist or a platonic girlfriend. There is no such thing as a harmless platonic relationship between a married person and someone else of the opposite sex when you are keeping secrets from your spouse or talking to the other person more than your spouse.

You had many opportunities to nip this thing in the bud and end it before there was sex but you didn't. Do you know why you didn't? I'll tell you why. Because it's a lot easier to do the wrong thing than to do the right thing. Unless we have trained our minds to always do the right thing but that too takes effort.

It doesn't sound like you are even remorseful for what you've done. Is it fair to your husband that you are benefiting from everything he does for you and that he's giving you things & showing you respect based on the lie that you are loyal, and trustworthy? These are the only real things of value he thought he was getting from you. He could get sex/companionship from billions of other women.

You're like a pirate who is stealing from innocent people. It's not right. Yes, lots of people make mistakes. Almost everybody makes mistakes in their life but you have to take responsibility at some point.

And I am convinced that there is a God. One day you, and everybody else, will have to account for what we've done. Life is not all about being greedy and doing what feels good. If you live like that you're like a wild animal. Having self control takes effort. It's why people with self control are more valued than those who act like wild animals. If you continue acting like a wild animal, eventually your husband will find out and he will kick you to the curb because he didn't (knowingly) marry a wild animal.

[Asker]

That’s exactly how it feels. I wouldn’t call it love, I would call it an addiction. I feel 100% addicted to him. I have tried to cut him off 100s of times over the years, and every time I have thought, this is it, I can do it. Then withdrawal kicks in a few weeks down the line, I literally feel sick to my stomach, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I’m in a terrible mood, I’m snappy, I’m aggravated, I have headaches, I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus of work or life as he’s literally on my mind 24/7 during no contact. And even though I know I’m better off without him, even though I know what I’m doing could impact so many people I care about, no matter how much I know he is not good me, no matter how I know I am destroying my own life and others I care about, just like drugs, I keep going back. I keep thinking, just one message, just to see how he, then the second I get a reply an instant lift of happiness and relief come over me, I literally feel high. And want more and more. It’s a relentless circle; and I’m no I’m in the wrong but I just can’t stop. Like an addict I guess I’ll stop when it’s too late. And that’s no one fault but my own. But don’t think for a second this is easy for me, becus I go to hell and back everyday in my own head. I have been cheated on, and it hurts, but believe me this hurts more.

[hahahmm]

1. You write, "what I'm doing could impact so many people I care about". Wrong. It will impact your family. These things always become known at some point, whether it's 2 years later or 5 years later. Whether it's because your friend's girlfriend/wife/friend outs you or you slip up & get caught by your husband. I'm a VERY loyal guy but *no matter how much* I ever loved a woman, if I caught her cheating I instantly dumped her. Now that was before I got married. I would give my wife a little more of a chance but she'd be on super thin ice. Especially if I had to catch her myself instead of her coming clean to me.
2. You wrote: " have been cheated on, and it hurts, but believe me this hurts more". You're painting yourself as the victim. Unless your husband is in the middle of cheating on you now or he basically abandoned you/betrayed you in some massive way you're not a victim. And even if he did those things your best move would be to separate or divorce, not pretend to be loyal while cheating on the guy. And before you try and tell me a sob story about how your husband has wronged you, every cheater has sob stories & most of them are lying. I know how it works. I won't believe anything you say about it. Only someone who knows both you and your husband personally & has seen how you both operate up close is in a position to know the truth.

[hahahmm]

3. You know what you need to do as far as contact. It will take 3 months for you to get over the guy. Maybe 4. Doing the right thing sometimes hurts. That's why - as I said - most people do the wrong thing.
4. Given what I wrote in point 1, you'd be wise to come clean to your husband and beg him to forgive you but be honest that you're an addict and you need help. Maybe professional help in some kind of padded cell in a rehab center or something but you apparently don't have the ability to help yourself. It's unfair to your husband that you've been USING him for all the benefits & comforts he provides while lying to his face & making him think you're loyal to him.
5. But maybe you just know you aren't cut out for marriage. In that case it's time to hit the road. Stop sucking the life out of your husband like a vampire. Imagine how much suffering he is going through trying to understand why you are an emotional nutcase & being vicious/cold to him for no reason that he understands? Men like to try and help their woman/wife be at peace. He will be half out of his mind trying to help you but you have not let him do that. Worse, you have been letting some other man support you emotionally & be inside your body.

[Screenwriter]

Well, it's messy, but this happens when you love your spouse and happen to fall for someone other than your spouse due to work or other things you share with the new person that you don't share with your SO.

But, where you're off base is the "I'm stuck." You are not. You are in complete control of your life. I did not say you are in complete control of your FEELINGS. That's a whole other ball of wax.

You state that the sex was a "one off." OK. You know this, and it's not going to happen again. And on top of that, he has become more and more distant. This certainly signals the end of the affair. And I think it's a good thing too.

Neither one of you wants to reveal this "interlude" to your spouses. I'm guessing you both have children who wouldn't benefit from a divorce. But what YOU need to set your mind on is to stop the emotional cheating, because that's how all this started.

Something was or is missing in your primary relationship that you've never made the time to work on. Sit down and talk to your husband about what's missing. You could even say your workplace friendship has fizzled out, and how you were using it to fill a gap in your life that might be better served with a warmer, fuller relationship with your husband, whom you love! Good luck.

Time will heal this, but it'll heal more quickly if you focus on what you need to: your husband and your relationship. This other thing is a dead issue. You know it is. Get your heart and mind right. Focus on your marriage and children. Be friends with someone else, but NEVER to the extent you did with the "affair." Learn your lesson and keep your peace about it.

[Asker]

I never will allow my self to be friends with someone in the way I was with him again. Looking back in hindsight I can see the point I should have walked away, but whilst, this all being new to me I genuinely never thought it would turn out the way it did.

[Screenwriter]

It's unfortunate you have to experience pain over this, but, it appears it's a lesson learned and it was, in all, a positive exeerience of knowing someone else well.

What you HAVE learned is that there are other people out there who might be partners for you if your marriage doesn't work out or your partner, for one reason ro another, exits. You have OPTIONS!!!

[SakuraBlossoms87]

Let's make something clear

Cheaters do not love nor respect their partners. If they did, they wouldn't cheat.

And I say that coming from a family where all except one uncle have been loyal long-term partners to their spouses. One aunt & uncle for 75 years, together.

On the opposite, and a prime example of a typical cheater, the youngest uncle merely took advantage of his spouse - did not treat her respectfully - and cheated repeatedly.

.

This inconsideration & lack of respect and love is extremely obvious in your entire story.

Instead of separating from your husband and sparing your family the embarassment of your infidelity you decide to have an affair on the side. You did not care about the harm you would cause your husband or your children or your family.

You were selfish, inconsiderate and thought only of yourself.

So stop saying that you "love" your husband because such love is a disgrace to what a wife should have for her husband. You likely "love" his money & not the man himself.

And you do not "love" the person you had an affair with anymore than I love slugs.

He was "forbidden fruit" something that you should not have indulged in. He doesn't love you, he never loved you, and that is obvious in once you two had sex he has little to nothing to do with you.

[mobiusforniner]

I dont disagree with you, but from my own experience with this, the circumstances which lead to this kind of thing typically points to problems in the primary relationship, causing one or both partners to seek fulfillment elsewhere. We dont know all the circumstances and yet we are quick to judge. Obviously she's going through a lot emotionally. Its a terrible predicament, brought on by personal choices. But Lets focus on the root causes rather than react to the outcome.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

@mobiusforniner ROFL. What separates CHILDREN - immature, irresponsible, thoughtless and selfish and forever unsuccessful in their lives - trapped in adult bodies but which are NOT actual adults

And actual ADULTS - mature, responsible, thoughtful and selfless and usually successful in their lives - is that actual ADULTS communicate.

And CHILDREN trapped in adult bodies like this woman and ALL irresponsible borderline useless cheaters are not only unable to communicate. If they did then "issues" can be resolved either by more engagement by the spouse or getting divorced.

[Asker]

I get it’s completely impossible to understand unless you’ve been there, the same I can’t understand what it’s like to be a dog, or what it’s like to fly. I do love my husband. I admit I’m not in love with him, I don’t know if I ever have been in love this him. But I genuinely love him. I’ve put up
With a lot! Over the years, and although he’s finally got him shot together the past few years he hasn’t been a saint. I’m not a heartless cheater. I never went out on a night out and decided to have sex with the first man I came across. I’ve never so much as looked at another man. I am actually Demisexual for the record, so cheating isn’t really an option for me. I don’t even speak to men atall, unless I know them. And I was forced to get to know and spend a lot of time with this guy through work. At first, the beginning years we was amazing friends. Both our spouses new of the friendship. It was never sexual, even leading up to actual sex happening! We was friends. We spoke of life, our kids, work, our hopes and dreams. It was never a love story where we wished to run away together. I don’t believe I love him, and I know he doesn’t love me. We have something, a connection maybe, a closeness and a bond. But it isn’t and won’t ever be love.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. "Somehow from things dying down between us we ended up having sex." Somehow? You don't know? You were there, weren't you? I think you know exactly how it happened.

2. "It obviously was not planned, we was drunk," It is obvious to others that it was planned. You are simply trying to minimize your moral culpability.

3. "Of course we love the people we are married too," It is not obvious that you love your husband. This is not what you do to someone you love.

4. "you could fall into the same situation easily enough." No, I have been dating and in relationships for the past 52 years and never did this. Not once. Never.

5. Are you prepared for a divorce? Perhaps not getting primary custody of your children?

You really need to accept full responsibility for what you have done and not try to minimize it.

[Asker]

What a stupid comment. Why would I not gain primary custody of my children?

For your information, my husband woklsnr leave me even if he found out. He would likely just kill me. So leaving isn’t and hasn’t ever been an option.

[PragmaticProfit]

What a victim you are.

[OlderAndWiser]

You would not gain primary custody if the judge decided that your husband would be the better parent. Since you are the one whose actions ended the marriage, it would be easy for a judge to reach that conclusion.

[hahahmm]

@OlderAndWiser, "You are simply trying to minimize your moral culpability". Reminds me of the case of a woman who went to a NFL game with her husband. She went off with a random stranger to the men's bathroom and had sex with that guy while a room full of men laughed & listened. Her and her new friend got arrested for it. Her excuse, "I had a glass of wine". One glass!

[OlderAndWiser]

@hahahmm. Sounds like a cheap date! 😂

[nastyb]

this is not the most mature way to answer the question. thats why you're getting such a lashback.

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

3 is a spot on, id never accept my now boyfriend is he still was with his ex and never would i respect him if he wanted to do that with me

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

So you are married to a person who has a potential thought or capability to kill you? and you got pregntant from this kind of man? and still live with him? do you find this normal? Thats scary as fuck

[KrakenAttackin]

@OlderAndWiser. Women and "accepting responsibility" are an oxymoron.

[nastyb]

@KrakenAttackin

Like how so many men abandoning their kis creating a whole new generation of single moms

[KrakenAttackin]

@nastyb That is a false narrative. Too many women are chasing fuck boys and trying to trap them by getting pregnant. This is a failing strategy women constantly try. As a solution, how about women be more selective about who they allow to raw dog them? Crazy, I know.

[nastyb]

@KrakenAttackin

just compare the number of single moms versus single dads...
this alone shows A LOT about men...

thats why I don't celebrate fathers day. Men make fatherhood a joke.

[Apple1996]

Well your already well past this point but you could possibly ask your SO for a open relationship. Even tho you've already cheated maybe it'd be easier to live with the guilt if your partner was okay with being open

[hahahmm]

That wouldn't help. If the husband says, 'yes' he could change his mind 1 day later or 2 weeks later and she's in the exact same boat. Most likely he'd say, 'no' anyhow.

[coachTanthony]

Counseling 100% Counseling. You won't find what you need here.

[nastyb]

sounds like you were in love with him way before you realized it.

You're a full grown woman, you're not 5 years old. You know can't have both. Either you divorce your husband so you can pursue him full time OR cut off all contact with him so that you can get over him. You're acting as if you can have absolutely everything in the world. Life is not a fairytale. You can't have everything.

My recommendation is... this will continue to hurt until you learn to get over him. You seem to have picked staying with your husband so your kids can be happy. DEDICATE yourself to this decision. Don't half ass it. The only way to get over someone is to cut off all contact. Don't just block but make sure you have absolutely no access to him ever again. No record. trace of them.

Lastly just a side note: he doesn't want to be with you. Because if TRULY wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have moved due to the promotion. He wouldn't always have been too busy for you. Truth is... you are not a priority to him. He moved with his wife and kids to someplace else, NOT with you.

[nastyb]

he moved for a better job somewhere else away from you so that he can make MORE MONEY to feed his wife and kids. If he truly have loved you and wanted to be with you, he would've have left you for another job. If he truly wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be ignoring you but texting you once every few months.

[billmunch]

I've been cheated on in every relationship I've ever had and have never broken up over it. My SO of 14 years had a similar situation and she was also torn between two men, think she had to break it off with one of us. However, I actually get turned on by this sort of thing and told her I was fine with it and there was no need to break up. The other guy had kids but we didn't, so we just worked out some arrangements which allowed her to continue seeing the other guys and that she didn't have to leave either of us, which made her happy.

I know most guys aren't like me but I think it is possible to be in a loving relationship with a healthy sex life but still want to maintain a personal sex life. I'm not a very jealous sort, plus I think it's sexy, so I got almost as much gratification out of it as she did.

She kept both lives separate and I never met the guy and thus we remained like that for four years until they broke up. Since he was married with kids, I knew their relationship had a time limit anyway.

So, should you tell him, you had a drunken one nighter? Consider his personality first. If you think he'll leave, don't tell him. If you think he'll confront the other guy and ruin his family, don't tell him. However, if he's my personality type he'll be fine with it.

[Asker]

It’s not him leaving that makes me avoid telling him. I know he will stay with me 100%, we have a good relationship but he is very very jealous. I have been with him 15 years and he was the first person I slept with. He’s always been almost possessive over me. I don’t want to shift the blame to him, cuz it’s solely my part. But for the most part I feel suffocated by him. And this guy from work was more like you, so free caring, it was almost relationship like with us but he was so opposite. He too wasn’t jealous, and would find it sexy regarding me and partner. With him, I felt like I could be more me. I could do what I wanted and say what I wanted. I love my husband but he’s always kept a very clise leash on me and it’s almost done the opposite of what he’s intended, instead of keeping me close he’s pushed me to another man. I’m not shifting blame and I take 100% of the wrong doing. In an idea world I would love to have them both, in the way that I have been. They both mean different things to me and I’ll be sad to say goodbye to either, although my priorities lie with my husband. I’m happier in life when my friend is around; and this reflects on our marriage in a positive way. I enjoy sex more after speaking with him all day. It’s strange but everything seems better in my own relationship with him on the sidelines. Our marriage will suffer if I let him go for good.

[Anonymous]

Usually that happens when your own man isn’t giving you action. He’s no good in bed. He’s got WACK 🍆. He’s doesn’t last in bed. He’s got ED ( erectile dysfunction ). He’s not big enough 🤏🤏. He’s got no rhythm. No motion of the ocean.

Also this usually happens when he isn’t giving you attention. He’s not giving you enough sex. He’s not intimate with you. Not constantly kissing you and trying to get it on. Usually.

So don’t blame yourself. We’re mortal and we’re carnal. YOLO. You only live once. Get some action. Live your life. You shouldn’t go about living in regret and blaming yourself. You have your reasons for what you do. You shouldn’t put yourself under constant stress like that.

I wouldn’t cheat on my man because he’s got GREAT 🍆. He lasts, he’s got everything on point. I feel satisfied. I feel satiated. He does such a great job that I wouldn’t want to stress my Kityy anymore than it needs to be. I wouldn’t even turn to look if Brad Pitt is at my job. Because my man got the job done. You understand.

Obviously something isn’t enough for you to look for sex elsewhere.

@Asker

[mobiusforniner]

While I recognize the other comments on accountability have merit, having endured at least an emotional affair with a coworker, I can empathize with your struggle and the complex emotions you are experiencing.

It is important to distinguish the difference between wants and love. They are not the same thing. To want is selfish. To love is selfless. If you truly love this man and he truly loves you, you both know there is only one real outcome to your relationship. Your chosing to hold onto it isn't love, rather, you are in love with what you want. The heart is a tricky thing because it wants what it wants, and it will deceive you into developing every excuse to continue its fantasy.

So that decision rests upon your conscience. Do you chose love? Do you sacrifice your want for the best of your family and for him by letting go? Or do you selfishly hold on because you are obsessed with a fantasy with no future?

Food for thought.

[RavVid]

Mmmh. Nobody can approve of your actions and quite likely it will substantially destroy the lives of two other people who are innocent. I am not going to hate on you because it is of no value.

You are not stuck wrt to the former work colleague - you can end it. You are stuck with the guilt and dishonesty wrt to your husband and I would hope you feel that. You can divorce your husband and do some if you do I will deal with your lover (I find that morally repulsive by the way).

I think the greater good is served by you ending it and leaving your spouses unaware. I feel morally compromised by saying that. You can have little expectation of confessing and being forgiven.

I would say don't walk into any churches but I think this is too serious for hate humor.

[Blueeyes81]

You kept putting yourself into temptations way what did you expect to happen. You wanted it to happen or like a any sane you avoid temptation. If you are on a diet and go and browse a bakery everyday what do you think will happen. People need to take responsibility for their choices and actions instead of finding excuses, we were drunk. Smh. Why were you in a situation were you could get drunk and fuck unless you wanted to fuck. The alcohol played no part because you wanted it. Own up to it.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Exactly. She's trash

[BadApple69]

You are in a bad situation. Loving two people at the same time is a no win situation. People will get hurt that’s a fact. My recommendation is this… suck it up, break it off with this guy and deal with your hurt yourself. Or you can come clean, speak the truth with your husband and work it out together. It might end your marriage or it might make it stronger. As a husband I would want to know the truth no matter how much it hurts.

[Asker]

You say that until your going through the hurt, then you wish they never knew. I know, becus I’ve been on the other side, my husband is no angel, and the beginning years were hell and I stayed through a lot I shouldn’t of. That doesn’t make what I’ve done right, but we have both done wrong in the relationship and coming clean has never made anything better. If I intend to stay with husband I don’t see how telling him and breaking his heart will allow us to maintain a good realationship.

[BadApple69]

The one thing that people who are having an affair always believe is that no one knows about it. But your husband probably has noticed changes. If you end the affair your husband will probably notice a change in you then too. He might not put two and two together but he will notice. What I was saying is that if you come clean then that shows honesty. If he catches you that shows deception. Which do you think is better for rebuilding your marriage? Now if you believe the truth will never come out then you can try to hide it. You know your husband better then I do. But a marriage built on lies isn’t the type of marriage I would want.

[asphaltrhymes]

Can I just say Asked firstly, GAG or the whoever picks photos for questions, wow. Secondly, I for one am unsure what you should do, but I for one always like how I've always been single and if I've ever been in sticky situations, I just do my best to treat as learning experiences and with peace vibes ☮️👀✌🏻

[asphaltrhymes]

*Asker (was my typo) not asked. Typo

[asphaltrhymes]

@Asker warm wishes 👍

[asphaltrhymes]

And always seek professional help from professionals, 👍👍🤗

[Asker]

What’s the photo?

[asphaltrhymes]

Just shows a couple, a man and a woman. It must've been a photo by GAG admins, like seen in the featured questions or similar pages ✌🏻

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

Uhm... well

I see 2 options:

1 you both leave your partners and get rogetbee

2 force yourself to forget him

But most important whag would make you happy? do what makes you happy, not the "right" thing viewed by society.

I was in similar sitution: we met nearly 5 years ago, he was married with very problematic crazy wife. For 8 month he would flirt and hit on me, so blatant it looked like he never had wife. I always refused his advances and said ill never date him... his ex sent him to jail for 6 month, saying he beat her up (lies, he wouldn't even hurt a fly, now i know) anyways

HE came back, people were saying he is horrible but i started liking him, kinda helping him find new home etc... we ended up dating and falling in love

iM happy, im happy i gave him a chance a guy who was a "monster" by every person i worked with. listen to your heart not the people look for your own happines

[Thatpearl26]

If you felt that your husband wasn’t enough and you had to go to another man for comfort then there is no hope for your marriage. If your husband finds out he will most likely end the marriage. The question is how could you do that to your kids. Broken households hurt children deeply.

[inhua]

nah it's not your fault. it's your husband's fault for not being as attractive as your affair partner. your affair partner is clearly more attractive than your husband which is why you chose to have sex with him instead of having sex with your husband only. you couldn't help yourself to resisting your affair partner. it's only natural

[DizzyDesii]

If an affair consists of at least one of the two being married, I’d steer clear. I have never intentionally been in that. This one mf from this year, another mf from last and one more mf from some years back turned out to be married and had intentions of pulling me into whatever little affair they had imagined up. But this mf don’t play that. The Lord brought the truth to the light sooner than later and I dodged 3 bullets. Try to fck with me and I’ll tell your wife

[DizzyDesii]

As for your story, this is why most men/women don’t trust their partners having opposite sex friends. I would not text some other dude while i’m married. Anytime he wants to hangout, it would be while my future husband is with us. You guys put yourself in the situation, saw whrre it was leading and kept pursuing it. You need to stop and go repent

[hbg84]

@DizzyDesii i agree. While in a relationship with there should be no contact with people of the opposite sex. When im in a relationship i don't talk to any other women. I expect my partner not talk to other men

[DizzyDesii]

@hbg84 at least not privately by text and late night calls. If he had female friends before i came around, then i try to make an exception. But some people go out looking for friends AFTER starting a relationship with someone. Thats unacceptable

[hbg84]

That's having friends to hang out with you and your SO. Then there's talking and hanging out with someone behind your SOs back. Im ok with the former not the latter

[DizzyDesii]

@hbg84 i agree

[nastyb]

she knew she was in love with him. she just doesn't want to admit it. there is no "friendship" at all to this. As a married person, you're supposed to be DEVOTED to your spouse which means you must steer clear of having feelings for anyone. Any decent married woman would've quit her job or asked for a transfer once she notices she's having feelings for another man.

[DizzyDesii]

@nastyb true

[Guanfei]

You deserve only to fuck off, and disappear from your family's life. You don't deserve any of them.

Don't expect any pity here, you're totally in the wrong, and deserve everything coming your way. Someday, they'll know, and I wish I could be around that day, to see you getting what you deserve.

[JesseP1nk]

My question is... what did you lack? There was something missing in your relationship that made you cheat. Was that lack of communication? Sex? If you figure that out what you need then you should ask that from your partner. And stop talking to this guy and focus on your man.

[Asker]

Emotional intimacy I think. We have been together 15 years yet I’ve never been able to talk to him. I’m with him everyday, yet I feel he’s the person who knows me left. We just never clicked, we got together young, got married young, I fell pregnant young, I do love him. How can I not after being with him so long, but it’s like people who are abducted love their captors. Literally anyone would develop strong attachment and love for someone they have spent time with for over 15 years. My friend from work was just different, I just felt so comfortable, I told him things my partner has never knew about me. We had a connection and everything just flowed. It was strictly friends for years and years. I guess I need to try and open up to my husband more, and learn to talk things through. But believe me I’ve tried, and he doesn’t listen or shows little interest.

[Asker]

Least *

[boggboss]

So whatvare u actually asking u are having a affair and now feel bad about it claiming u are as much a victim as your partner who u are cheating on or that u don't know what to do?

[boggboss]

And to be clear I'm not even trying to be judgmental or maybe a little but I am genuinely curious to what u are looking for

[Asker]

I’m not really sure what I’m asking, for some kind of help or advice from someone who’s been In a similar situation: I was thinking of paying for counselling and talking things through that way….

[Spongebobssocks]

Dont waste your time with her she is a narcissist 😂

[boggboss]

But if u be realistic u have what 3 choices continue what u are currently doing ignoring the damage its doing to you and continue betraying you husband

End things with your husband and either stay alone or hope the guy will go with u which don't really sound like either of u truly want

Or end things with the guy and try to work on your marriage and what pushed u to have the affair in the first place obviously with the options of telling him about it or keeping it a secret even if u went therapy or counselling they pretty much would very the options avaliable

[Asker]

The last one of course. We had pretty much ended the said affair with nothing happening what so ever, then was caught off guard, despite what other think we did it plan or arrange to have sex. It was a drunken moment, a kiss that’s never happened before that just went all the way. It won’t happen again, and it’s made us more distant than closer, so maybe we was only ever friends after all.

[boggboss]

He is more distant because its clear u guys can't control yourselfs or act in a friendly manner and if he is not willing to end his marriage the only way for it to work out Is for him to be distant with u and I get u saying it was not planned but that dont make it better as it shows yeah a inability of care or control if u know u had feelings u wouldn't get stupid drunk as u would know that possible in happening but thats beside the point now I guess as if that's what u are willing to do I imagine distancing yourself from him would be for the best and yeah maybe get therapy or counselling to be able to come to terms with what u did but realistically unless u are a shitty person and can accept or ignore that feelings of what u did u will always feel a type of way hiding it

[midnightmoon05]

I didn’t read most of this…but does sound like there are kids in the families.
I am a mom of 2 and a school teacher. My perspective here are the children from both families.
Knowing that the society don’t care about kids…we can tell from kids who come to class with the sadness looks…and they can’t function in class.
True is…they are the ones who are most heart broken and hurt and confused depending how things go, so far…no one mention about kids feelings.
So whatever you decide to do…. your DUTY as a mom is to protect the little ones.
Good luck

[Spongebobssocks]

Ewww... I could never do something this disgusting. Just like I wouldn't rape children I also wouldn't do what you've done. Do your husband a favor and leave him so he can find a real woman.

[Asker]

Hardly comparable. Grow up. Add another 15 years to your life and we’ll see where you’ve been and what you’ve done. I’m sure I would have been so senseless at 20 too.

[KingslayerC]

You should just send this to your husband and tell him the truth. Then divorce and take zero assets, child support or alimony. Split custody for the kids' sake though.

[PragmaticProfit]

It didn’t just happen. There were many steps that led you to this.

[PragmaticProfit]

The more I read the more I’ve conclusively noticed you’re a horrible human being. You’re a narcissist who’s managed to convince yourself that you’re a victim. I’ll be praying for you and your husband. What a horrible thing to do. His life will never be the same when he finds out.

[California_Poppy]

I've never had an affair, and I'm not sure if you are looking for advice or compassion, but my advice is to be honest -- with yourself and your partner.

[Moose304]

Sounds like somebody has been listening to this song!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/xFB1yytGLRA

[RingOfFire]

You reap what you sow. You sowed the seeds of deception, dishonesty, trickery, disrespect and infidelity and should not be surprised at the results.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Thanks for proving my (and many other people's) point about work "friends"

[SoJust]

Of course this relationship is end, but you shouldn't be too upset mate , instead of ou need to create one fulcrum point within yourself and look ahead

[LiamJHayden]

" believe it or not you could fall into the same situation easily enough."

No, I couldn't.

[Asker]

Yeh I 100% thought the same!

[RyanK9b]

Well you're fucked.
Maybe continue your affair on slightly higher lvl and look if it works out. In the end maybe not and u can roll back to normal.

[RyanK9b]

So u found your answer

[Asker]

Don’t understand?

[RyanK9b]

Didn't u typed in your update that its over? So it doesn't matter anymore

[Asker]

Well I thought it been over a 100 times already, but somehow we end up back where we started 🙄

[RyanK9b]

Then it seems you 2 belong together. If always come back to the beginning is it either a deep desire for the person or adrenaline rush.

You have to found out for yourself

[Asker]

How can you tell the difference

[RyanK9b]

If the excitement fades away after a while and u get kinda bored or sick of him. The good feeling should start again after u "broke up" and start the beginning phase again.
Thats the dopamine/adrenaline effect

[Asker]

I’m not sure, it’s hard to distinguish. I’ve never felt bored or sick of him ever. But I can’t speak for him….

[RyanK9b]

Well then is at least your desire not short term based. You just could ask him what he feels and how he wants to proceed

[Asker]

I have asked him in the past, and his reply was always that “he accepts we can’t be anything more than we are, and if life was different we could be together, but if during this life all we can be is friends then that’s good enough for him as at least I’m in his life”

[RyanK9b]

So he have kids or so? I guess that's why he keeps it priority than be with you.

[Asker]

Yes we are both married with children. We both actually got married the same year, so are both in 15 year marriages

[KrakenAttackin]

You are a cheating whore and it is just that you suffer.

[Sasha0426]

You got yourself into this mess so you can get yourself out 🤷‍♀️

[mommymommymommy]

You did exactly what you're saying you're not doing. YOU CHOSE TO DO THIS

[mommymommymommy]

And that my friend, is why, you generally shouldn't marry your ONLY relationship

[red_knight]

All Things come to an end. He's never really yours it's just your turn.

[shades777]

should have divorced 8 years ago lol

[Talk2laura]

Pray to God for your next relationship