How should I handle this? Breakup, cancer diagnosis, complicated emotions?

[Anonymous]

I am trying to keep this as short as possible. Please only comment if you can be kind, as this has been more than tough enough already.
My ex and I had a bit of a complicated relationship. He had trust issues from an ex many years ago, was abused as a child, both sexually and physically, had alcoholic and drug addicted parents, went through his own times of homelessness and drug addiction, his father is no longer in his life, his next step father was very abusive and his last step father, who he looked up to a lot, was having a year+ affair and now is divorcing his mom. The divorce was ugly. He also lost two uncles this year-both murdered. He deals with his own struggles with mental illness and avoids really whatever he can when it comes to negative emotions and overthinking. He was not very expressive when it came to verbally expressing his feelings. We knew eachother four years before dating. We dated for about 8 months, but spent a ton of time together. One day we had a fight, and I think he was stressed and triggered by something I did not understand, and he broke up with me. That morning we were happy and doing great and he had just given me an extremely thoughtful gift that he put a lot of thought into. So the breakup was sudden and I felt really dumb. He would not budge and said due to how we fight, we needed to break up. This happened one other time as well and we did get back together, but only because I continued to be around and be there for him. He does not have anyone close to him. For a few weeks, he still spoke to me like normal and reached out often. One day he stopped and I saw he signed up for several dating sites, I was hurt, but knew he needed a distraction. We still communicate, but not much. I was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer. I privately told his mom, as we are close. She ended up telling him and said his face turned white instantly. He reached out right away and when I saw him in person, I told him a bit of what I knew, but cont.

Updates

+1 y

He had a lot of questions. He took me out for ice cream that day and invited me in his room where everything I ever gave him was still out, including several notes I wrote him on the wall. (2.5 months post break up) He still did not reach out a lot, but has here and there asking how things are and if I know more of the outcome. Do you think he really cares or just feels guilty? I have wanted to be back together this entire time and love him a lot. Any advice on navigating this?

[NamerOfStars]

Dang. That just... sucks.

It sounds like he's still got feelings for you, but either isn't comfortable with how strong they are, or feels like he can't give you what he thinks you deserve (or both). Growing up in a difficult background like he did, you often wind up with some psychological issues; I've seen it happen with others who basically thought "I love her/him so much that I wouldn't want to burden them with being attached to me". It'd be almost comedic if it weren't so sad. There may also be some deeper problems; I don't know the guy, but I do know that where you find addiction and abuse, you often find serious mental problems, and those are sometimes genetic- and even where you DON'T find them, you sometimes find worries about genetic mental problems.

Unfortunately, you've got a serious fight coming up. Cancer is... look, stomach cancer in particular is what killed Mister Rogers, which means it's an enemy to all humankind. I hope it goes better for you, but you're going to need to focusing on yourself soon, and likely very hard- I watched my mother wither and die from kidney cancer some years back, and, especially towards the end, the struggle against it was clear and constant. You might not go through that, but you need to be ready for the possibility. To that end, I don't know if bringing the level of fear and baggage that dating brings is the right option for you right now. I'm also not your doctor, and don't know the details of your case; I probably wouldn't understand them even if I did.

So my suggestion with your man would be to befriend him- if he wants to be back in your life, then let it be at that point, at least until you have a better idea of what you'll be facing in the long term. Good luck.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your kind response. I was worried to even post on here regarding this. I am so very sorry to hear about your mom. I do feel you are right about him. I have been through so much with him, especially this last year. It is SO frustrating at times. I love him very much and would do anything for him, but he pushes me away. I know he still cares, but it hurts so much. He is currently living with family (temporary turned into over a year with covid..) and it is VERY toxic, and only getting worse. I know that does not help at all. I was able to visit him a few days ago, which I was beyond grateful for. It was going well until a family member ruined it and even called the police (literally no reason...) So I was beyond frustrated that for one, my time feels possibly limited right now. I don't have the energy for negativity in any form. I am *trying* to hold it together and this was the first time I really got to see him and visit where it was so nice in such a long time. Luckily, we made the best of the situation, but it still sucked a lot. But we did go on our own adventure and that is kinda the story of our relationship-finding adventure and being there together in the chaos. He took me to a special spot and we hung out til late. The next day we talked a little and he told me thank you for being there for him the night before and said I deserve to be treated well and appreciated. I ended up in the hospital- horrible stomach pains and some bleeding with all the health issues. It was a ways away but he asked if I wanted him to bring me anything like a blanket or pajamas. I said no, as it was late and so far away but said thank you.

[Asker]

He asked a lot of questions and asked me to keep him updated. This morning he reached out and said to let him know if I needed anything. I know this is being nice and a good friend and I appreciate it. But I thought I could sense he really still loved me. This was the first like quality time we have had and I just felt like he still felt it. But then I saw he messaged another girl I think from a dating app (I know I should not look/check and it makes me feel crazy) But it really hurt. Like I mean nothing... He did this one other time during a break up.. but it just hurts especially now. I need him to most and really love him a lot. I know I can't expect someone to love me or be here for me right now because cancer is a lot to take in, especially at our age. Thank you so much again.. I really appreciate it.

[Asker]

I truly do feel his feelings are strong and he cannot handle it. Last year, he ghosted me for a bit when we first started actually seeing eachother. I was hurt, as we had been friends and just baffled. I left him alone, but about a month later, I wanted to bring closure to the situation for myself, as I honestly thought there was a misunderstanding. I went to his house and knocked on the door. He said he had real feelings and wasn't ready for it and could not handle it and so we could be friends, but nothing else. A few weeks later, we ended up hanging out and the rest was history again lol. So it has been an uphill battle at times.. But I have watched his feelings and him grow and learn how to better navigate them but I truly feel these other women are a distraction but then I also wonder if I am just making excuses and am actually just dumb. When he has been with me, it has been just me and he has offered me his phone or whatever at times-which I never looked at but he made it very clear and I trusted him.

[CentralPerk77]

Hmm well … first i would like to say hang in there with your diagnosis. Don’t just hang in there, fight. That said, there’s a few things you should consider … one, he broke up with you and may not want to get back together for his own reasons, regardless of having the notes (I have a lot of keepsakes from exes). It may be better as friends and he may know this more truly than you do. Friendships typically last longer anyway. He also comes with a LOT of baggage. I mention this because you are entering into a fight with a deadly disease where you need to live for you. It’s not selfish, and doing this may be foreign to you but it’s true. If you win this battle then it will give you clarity. If you do not though… it will hurt him even just as a friend. It will hurt him more as a lover, and he sounds like someone who has experienced a lot of hurt.

[Asker]

You are totally right... It messes with me because he did break up with me on the fly. We were AMAZING that morning and I know that for a fact. He just got upset. He feels that he is not good for me because he can't give what I need... I have never once said anything like this or insinuated it ever. He does have baggage... more than what was listed and so much he has not dealt with. I think he has a hard time accepting love fully or even giving it. He told me "I love you" out loud for the first time as we broke up, Deep down, I knew he did all along, but I think he was afraid to say it. I think he will really regret this. I feel we all say that about exes but this one I really truly mean. I know I meant a lot to him and was the only person close to him. It sucks to see him pushing me away and now I am afraid he will push harder. I do know at the time he felt that the fights were too frequent (His entre life has been chaos) and I get that, I felt it was 100% fixable, but I know he is just trying to eliminate what he can.. I want to thank you so much for the kind response and encouragement. It has been rare I got a nice and kind response on here, thank you. I truly appreciate it.