I (40M) uncovered my wifes (39F) affair. How can I be certain she ended it?

[Anonymous]

I discovered my wife is having an affair with a mutual friend. We've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together. She wants to stay with me and claims she ended the affair. She has expressed guilt and remorse for her actions. She says that she told this person that they need to end things and then she 'restricted' them on Facebook. When I look at the chat history, she purged it and all that remained was a message from him saying 'Oh ok, I'll be here for you.' which my wife then hearted. Yes I am missing the context here, but to me it leaves things open for her to return to him at any time.


What can she do to officially end the affair and ensure that I feel comfortable it is over and done with so that I can start to rebuild my trust in her. Also, this other person is married and his wife has no idea, in fact his wife is inviting us to a birthday dinner in a week or so.

So far I've considered having her delete all social media, or grant me full access to it as well as her phone.. At this point I cannot trust her, I think I need to leave.

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn bro, that's a really tough situation. I can understand why you don't trust her at all after that. A few things I would insist on if she really wants to rebuild trust:

- No contact with the other guy, period. Block him everywhere - phone, social media, email. If they work together she needs a new job. Zero excuses for contacting him again.

- Full access to her phone and accounts. Let you look whenever for however long it takes to make you comfortable. Hiding anything is over.

- Come 100% clean on everything they did, no matter how bad or embarrassing. Trickle truthing will only set you back.

- Tell the other guy's wife what happened. Affairs can only survive in secrecy. His wife deserves to know too.

- Be super open about her whereabouts and activities. Check ins when not together for now.

- Counseling, both individually and as a couple. Needs professional help to get to the root issues.

Even with ALL that, it may not be enough for you to stay. Perfectly reasonable to walk away too after such a betrayal of trust. But those are the bare minimum I'd need to even consider staying long term. The ball is in her court to prove with actions she's changed. Up to you if you want to try to rebuild or not - prioritize your own wellbeing here too man. Just some thoughts - hang in there.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

You can't and never will. What you should do is divorce her and find someone that respects you and your relationship. All she's done is proven you can never trust her.

The only thing she regrets is being caught so she is now in full damage control mode and will trickle truth and gaslight you to save her lifestyle not the relationship.

That message just shows she is putting him on the back burner but will keep him as an option or to continue once you back off her and she has "proven" to you she has changed but will just get better at hiding it.

Forget having her passwords or checking her media accounts. Why? It is way to easy and there are far too many free apps they can use to hide their communications. It is asinine to try and micro manage her devices and proves nothing.

You should also inform the other's wife. She deserves at least that much respect to choose for herself if she should continue her relationship or end it. If you do not then your part of the problem and not the solution,

[Jessica405]

Unless you get absolute proof that it has ended, you will always be questioning where she is and who she is with. No way to live life.

There should be no forgiveness for cheating.

[Asker]

You're absolutely correct

[laly520]

for the million time
once a cheater is always a cheater
it will repeat

[DarkWinterNights]

If you allow her to get away with this without consequences, she will do it again. The thrill of cheating is too strong. First and foremost I would talk to a lawyer, see what his suggestions are on how a divorce- should it head that direction will go. The fact that she’s covered her tracks is a problem. It wouldn’t be the first time that a cheater got the kids, child support, alimony and the house. But infidelity might give you a slight advantage- depending on the judge.


Personally I would see if you could get divorce papers at least printed out, cook a really nice home cooked meal, sit her down. Talk the entire situation out before producing the papers and tell her (if you’re willing to give her another chance) how this is her mistake to correct and you will not hesitate to end everything if she violates your trust again. I do suggest an audio recording of the discussion to protect yourself if she decides to start accusing you of things. It isn’t always admissible in court, but it can help.

[KrakenAttackin]

@DarkWinterNights. "Her mistake to correct", this is exactly right. I also agree she will do it again. Maybe this is a time to get her to sign a "post nuptial" agreement.

[Jessica405]

Cheating is never a mistake. It is deliberate betrayal.

[KrakenAttackin]

@Jessica405 Yes. Correct.

[DarkWinterNights]

@KrakenAttackin, Problem with prenups is they are easily thrown out of court. Even if she has a lawyer present she could argue later she was under duress.

[DarkWinterNights]

@Jessica405, Yeah “Betrayal” is much better language. “Mistake” implies accidental.

[KrakenAttackin]

@DarkWinterNights. That's true. He is already in the fire, a post nuptial might at least mitigate some of the financial damage.

[BoopBoopBeep]

You can't. It's cat and mouse. Faster cat... faster mouse... faster cat... it's always a matter of did she just learn to hide it better. If you can't trust her you can't trust her, if you can get past it you can get past it, but there are no certainties in life.

[Arush9]

If she is loyal person, then why she will cheat even for single time? so chances are like, she can keep cheating behind u, if she get opportunities.
You can’t attach 24hrs CCTV camera on her to check out , what’s she is doing in your absence.

ONCE CHEATER, LIFETIME CHEATER.

[JacobJordan]

She doesn't feel guilt or remorse for what she did. She feels guilt and remorse because she was caught. Do not make the mistake of confusing the two. If you hadn't caught her she would still do it. If you told her right now that you were fine with it she would readily agree. She has not ended it and as soon as you lapse in any way in paying attention she will do so again.

[Unit1]

She screwed up. It is time for a divorce.

Do you want to expend effort regularly to check whether she is cheating again? I don't.

What's also important to consider is the reason she has cheated. Was there any factor from your side that led her to cheat on you?

[Staximus]

I have a few friends (men and women) that cheated on their girlfriends and boyfriends, then cheated on their wives and husbands repeatedly. Cheaters don't usually stop. You can't watch or control her 24/7. That's stupid and unrealistic, you're just fooling yourself. Sitting around wondering if she's cheating on you again for years to come is no way to live in peace, that shit will drive you crazy. Be done with it.

[KrakenAttackin]

You can never trust her. You also need to paternity test your kids. If you stay, you tell her you are only staying for the children but she is basically dead to you.

You caught her with this affair, but there have almost certainly been others.

If you leave of of she leaves, either way you will get screwed. The courts won't care about her bad behavior. She will get the house, car, kids, alimony, child support, and half+ of your assets.

[aceleon]

what matters if she ends itor not dude she did had an affair it was enough reason for you to dump her sorry ass and divorce her who cares if she continues or not, were you gonna forgive this bitch if she did end it? where is your self respect?

[TheSpaceGnome]

It doesn't matter if she ended it with that person, she cheated, time for divorce.

Don't give her a second chance, and try to get full custody of the kids, she's obviously not fit to be a parent if she is setting that kind of example.

[lightbulb27]

how about she writes something, shows you, and sends it. completely disconnects from him and makes a public confesion.

that should solve it.

[stratford]

You should exit the relationship now. Once a cheater, always a cheater - it's like an addiction for some people, and you'll never trust her again.

[HelpfulWoman]

-have higher standards and END your own relationship.

[CozyCoffin]

I'm of the mindset that people are stupid for not leaving their partner that have screwed them over.