How can you get control back when you're dealing with a narcissist?

Question

bolverk · Accepted Answer

narcissist goal is to provoke a reaction from you.

Picture a grey rock: Unremarkable, forgettable, and similar to countless others scattered nearby. Even the most enthusiastic collector probably wouldn’t have a lot to say about this rock.

So, if you wanted to escape notice, becoming a grey rock might seem like a good way to go about it. Of course, people can’t actually turn into rocks, but that’s where the idea of grey rocking comes from.

This strategy involves becoming the most boring and uninteresting person you can be when interacting with a manipulative person. that is a 'Grey Rock'.

Since people with manipulative personalities feed on drama, the duller and more boring you seem, the more you undermine their efforts to manipulate and control you.

Here are six tips to keep in mind if you’re considering this strategy.

1/ Know when to use it (and when not to)
Recognizing a friend, family member, partner’s or someone you have to work with toxic or manipulative behaviour may prompt you to begin taking steps to safely end the relationship and cut off contact.

But this isn’t always possible. For example, you might need to continue co-parenting with them, see them regularly at family gatherings, or work with them.

That’s where grey rocking can help. By making all of your interactions as uninteresting as possible, you avoid giving the other person anything they can use to manipulate you. Over time, they may stop trying.

If you’re being stalked or otherwise fear for your safety, it’s best to seek legal advice and involve law enforcement instead of relying on grey rocking.

2/ Offer nothing
Toxic and manipulative people thrive on conflict, thrill, and chaos, Make yourself less appealing, you want to seem more lacklustre and uninteresting.

If they ask questions you can’t avoid answering, keep your face blank and your response vague. Biros suggests giving replying with “mm-hmm” or “uh-huh” instead of “no” and “yes.”

If you need to answer work-related questions more fully, it’s helpful to avoid infusing your response with any personal opinion or emotion. This can help keep someone from grasping at small details they might try to manipulate you with.

Say a co-worker who likes to create drama asks, “Can you believe these new policies? How do you feel about them?”

You might respond with a shrug and “eh” without looking up from your work or making eye contact. Sticking to this noncommittal response, even when they persist, can make it seem as if you really have nothing more interesting to say.

3/ Disengage and disconnect
Avoid eye contact with the manipulative person when practicing grey rocking.

Since eye contact helps facilitate an emotional connection, focusing on another activity or looking elsewhere can help you remove emotions from the interaction. It can also help reinforce your sense of detachment.

Toxic people, particularly those living with a narcissistic personality, are often looking for attention. By giving your attention to another activity, you send the message you won’t give them what they need.

Directing your attention elsewhere can also help distract you from attempts at manipulation. Toxic people may make cruel and negative remarks to get a response, and this can be really upsetting. But having something else to focus on can help make it easier to avoid showing emotion.

If you don’t have a project or paperwork close by to distract yourself with, you can try disengaging by focusing mentally on something more pleasant, such as your favourite place or a person you really care about.

4/ Keep necessary interactions short
In some situations, you might need to have fairly regular conversations with a toxic or abusive person. Maybe your parent or co-worker has narcissistic traits, or you co-parent with a manipulative ex.

Communicating electronically or by phone may work well here, since doing so allows you to avoid prolonged interactions that might cause stress and make it harder to maintain a grey rock façade. But grey rocking can work for any type of communication.

Remember to keep responses as brief as possible, saying things like, “yes,” “no,” or “I don’t know” without further explanation.

If you’re managing a co-parenting schedule, limit communication to pick-up and drop-off times.

5/ Don’t tell them what you’re doing
The goal of grey rocking is to get the other person to lose interest in you on their own. If they realize you’re trying to make yourself seem dull on purpose, they can use this knowledge to further manipulate and attempt to control you.

Instead of giving them any clues about the technique, work toward treating them as a stranger you have no emotional connection with. Remind yourself that you have no obligation or need to share anything extra with them.

That said, spending a lot of time in this mode can start to affect how you express yourself in other areas of your life, so it can be helpful to tell people you trust about what you’re doing.

Avoid diminishing yourself
It’s important to take care not to lose sight of yourself when grey rocking.

Grey rocking requires a disconnect from your emotions and feelings, so it’s possible to experience symptoms of dissociation or complete disconnect from your own feelings and emotions.

You may find it helpful to talk to a therapist if:

You begin having trouble connecting with people who are important to you.
It becomes difficult to express yourself within the positive, healthy relationships in your life.
You feel like you’re losing your identity or self-awareness.

It might seem helpful to temporarily change your appearance to make yourself seem less physically interesting, by wearing plain clothes or taking less care with your appearance, for example.

These changes may affect your sense of self-identity and self-empowerment. Before making any physical changes, it might help to talk to a therapist who can offer guidance on the most helpful approach for your specific situation.

It’s always wise to involve a mental health professional when you have to maintain contact with an abusive person, especially when that person is a family member or co-parent. Therapists and other professionals can help you develop healthy coping strategies and work with you to explore other approaches if grey rocking, or any technique you try, doesn’t seem to help.

6/ The bottom line
Cutting off contact with toxic people is often the only way to keep them from continuing to cause emotional harm. But when this isn’t possible, grey rocking may work as a technique to get the manipulator to lose interest. If they can’t get anything beyond bland, emotionless answers from you, they may give up.

And record every interaction you have with them, (Smart Phones are a wonderful things) just on the off chance they become aggressive.

D_Bone_Steak · Accepted Answer

I avoid them. They get easy to recognize, thus easier to avoid. Grey rock method works, but if you're any sort of competition just because you are... straight up avoidance is the only way to shake them off.

They don't like being ignored so they'll try some bullshit like starting a fight... avoid and ignore it. I mean like don't even go to a party that person is going to be at. He/she will slowly burn those bridges and watch the friends you thought you lost come right back to you.

Brokenheartedx · Accepted Answer

Easy, keep it professional.
If he does to you you'll find he does it to others.
If he goes outwith his boundaries then you keep a diary with names of witnesses, chances are many folk will not like him either but to afraid to speak out. Or you could find another job with less toxic people around

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

You can learn a lot from this psychologist who specializes in narcissists.

FallonSamuels · Answer

Cut them off. Don’t entertain them at all - it’ll drive them insane. They want control and if they can’t reach you in anyway then they can’t have any sort of control over you

Anonymous · Answer

You stop reacting to anything they say or do and you leave them/cut them out of your life. They’re going to up throw a tantrum and up the level of verbal abuse in an attempt to get your reaction, don’t give it to them. Ignore it all, leave, block them. If they become too threatening you still give no reaction to them, just call the police.

dudeinohio · Answer

Just don't deal with them at all. Cut them out of your life.

CrisFantazyNFury · Answer

The best thing is to just leave them. Those types of people will be a drain on your life.

nspencer · Answer

You leave, heal and move on with your life. That stuff drives them nuts lol.

Summeroflove · Answer

Cut them out. I know sometimes. This is easier said then done

Anonymous · Answer

Leave, just leave dont give an explanation, dont look back just leave, you'll never win with a narcissist, choose yourself and leave that person, they will want you back or they prey on someone else

Steamnir · Answer

Breaking up and leaving

_Just_A_girl_ · Answer

Never see them again until they get help

Subarugirl · Answer

Set boundaries and maintain them

Anonymous · Answer

Just get rid of them...

BLP11520 · Answer

My wife is... no clue what to do.

Rockerroy · Answer

You ignore them. Simple

melanieeeB · Answer

By leaving

slatyb · Answer

Leave them.

Blackcupcake · Answer

don’t deal with them

magiusX26 · Answer

leave the narc

18Uma21 · Answer

You can't.

How can you get control back when you're dealing with a narcissist?

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