im starting to feel guilty because he's been doing too much for me, especially lately.. i knew from the start that he liked me (way) more than i liked him (yeah i do like him), but i always knew it won't be anything more (love whatsoever). i ended it with him before we became official, but he put in a lot of effort and fought for me to stay. it felt good so i gave it a chance. i thought maybe i would eventually learn to reciprocate his feelings for me.. but its been 4 months and its the same. dont get me wrong, i like him, he makes me happy, i treat him well (amazing, really), and he believes i feel the same way he does but i just let him think so. why? because im a miserable person, and i feel a lot less alone now that he's in my life. i need him. i have been going through some rough weeks.. problems that are too big for me to handle alone, and he's been there for me through all of it. he's literally solving most of my problems and the ones he can't solve, he tries hard to make it better. i wouldn't have known how i'd be now if he wasn't around.
i deeply wish i could learn to love him but its just not there. he's the kind of person that i know wouldn't hurt me. i feel safe with him. im comfortable and im treated like royalty. i dont want to let it go. i can't. its not all bad.. i spoil him, too. i let him have an amazing time.. he's having the best sex ever (me too, honestly), i give him unexpected blowjobs, i pay for our date when i feel like it, etc. this is the only thing that's wrong with us, but he doesn't know about it.
honestly, i could live with it if i chose to do that. i could just settle.. but i probably won't. i guess right now im desperate to keep the relationship because i just can't be alone for now. i feel bad, trust me.. but its not like im cheating on him, or lying to him. i do genuinely miss him when he's not around and i think about him often. is what im doing really so wrong? in his eyes, im the perfect girlfriend. could that be enough?
