What exactly did I do wrong?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We even have a child together now. In the span of our relationship he has always vented to me about how it felt growing up without his father, today was no different only this time after he had vented I had, what I thought was a innocent question for him about him not having his father in his life. All I asked was “Would it have been so different if your father was in your life but you saw him be disrespectful toward your mom? Would your outlook still be the same?” I genuinely just wanted to know just to see if I could get him to open up more and help move toward healing from it. He got upset with me. He called me selfish and told me to be more mindful of asking things like that and that I should I have braced him for the question then started to go off on me about how I never had any real childhood trauma like he did and said that I didn’t care about what he went through, which was all a lie and it hurt because I didn’t mean to hurt him with that question. It wasn’t my intentions but he made it seem as though it was.

Updates

1 y

He also said I only asked so I could get him to open up more just to use whatever he opens up about against him but he knows I’m not even that kind of girl and never have been since we’ve been together and he’s the one who started venting to me. It wasn’t like I asked the question for no reason out of the blue.

[SteveSmith1985]

You didn't do anything wrong. At all.

So until I got to your update. My suggestion was going to be, to try and talk to him about this (actually telling him what you wrote here, would be perfect). You obviously weren't intending any harm when asking. And you couldn't have forseen the nerve you (evidently) hit with the particulars of your question.

Basically, I saw this as a situation where you accidentally and innocently 'hit a nerve' and he reacted inapropriately. After some time, he would realize that you meant no harm, he over-reacted, and everything ends up fine. Just a temporary misunderstanding. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

But your update...

That put an ENTIRELY different spin on this whole situation. THAT is some unhealthy/abusive thinking right there. Holy shit. The idea that he thinks his romantic partner... is trying to get him to open up about his childhood trauma... so that she can use it against him... That's CONCERNING IN THE EXTREME.

That is an indicator of some serious mental-health shit. That is nowhere in the universe of 'normal'. That is something... no joke... he really needs to see a psychiatrist about.

Has he made any other baseless, paranoid accusations about your intentions aside from this? (honestly, THIS is the problem. not the original fight you two had)

[Asker]

Well I had my six week check up recently, our son is a month and a half now and at my check up I got the iud insertion long story short a medical student who was a guy along with two other women doctors came into the room for the insertion but one of the women doctors asked me if it was ok if the medical student (the guy) did the insertion and assuming since my boyfriend was in the room with me and two other women and the guy would only be doing his job and is trying to learn as a student I said I didn’t mind. While the insertion is happening my boyfriend goes “It’s two women in the room why does he have to be the one touch her?” One of the women doctors explained to him that I agreed to it and that he was just a student trying to learn. He’s quiet for a few seconds and he stormed out the room. The ride back home was quiet and he didn’t mention it again until the next day and he was clearly still upset and he blamed me for “letting” a male doctor touch me and said he attempted to stand up for me and my rights as a woman but felt I didn’t have his back in the same way and didn’t “Ride” for him and that I didn’t make him feel comfortable and said that no man wants to see his woman being touched by another man. He basically said it was my job to speak up for him and make him feel comfortable and make the male medical student leave the room and allow one of the women to do it when I was the one getting the procedure not him. If anything regardless of who did it I was spread eagle infront of three strangers but instead he made it about me “letting” a male doctor touch me.

[Asker]

He also said I should have enough/more respect for myself to not allow it to happen when all I wanted was for the procedure to be done and over with so that I didn’t/don’t have another child for a while.

[SteveSmith1985]

Honestly. This is extremely concerning.

When I put together the two COMPLETELY inapropriate reactions you've told me about. It paints a frightening picture.

These two things, are often characteristics (ways of thinking) that you find in men who are (or who become) abusive to their partners. In fact this already is emotionally abusive.

But what scares me, is wondering: OK, so the guy who thinks his girlfriend wants him to open up about his childhood trauma, so that she can later use it against him...

AND ALSO

Showed a wildly-inappropriate, over-the-top, completely inexcusable level of irrational jealousy because you were touched by a male professional during a medical checkup.

My question is, what ELSE does this guy think/believe/expect.

I am genuinely worried for you. This guy legitimately needs professional help.

My worry, is that you're already putting up with a lot in your relationship with this guy, that you HAVEN'T mentioned here.

I'd love to chat with you, if you'd be willing. Would you be comfortable messaging me? If not, no problem. Let me know, and we can continue talking here. But this is... extremely concerning.

[dreamstar72]

Could be he hates to be questioned on his question.

[Anonymous]

Clearly he's not at a point of talking about this yet.

[Asker]

But that’s the thing. I didn’t force him to vent about it. By the time I asked he had been venting to me about it for close to an hour so I thought It wasn’t a problem to ask.

[Opinion Owner]

Well now you know it is. Next time he brought it up I'd say I don't want to talk about it. And if he asked why i'd say i tried help you work through it but you snapped at me.
Now this part is important. Then I would say I'm on your side. I just want to help you heal. I'll listen to you but I'm not going to be a punching bag. I'll only talk to you about this now if you're interested in trying to heal.
And if he doesn't get that then he's beyond your help.

[Asker]

I did say that actually I said “Next time you don’t have to worry about me having an input when you vent to me.” And he said “So you’re just gonna shut me out because you asked an insensitive question?” Like I can’t win for losing

[Opinion Owner]

That's when you say no, you shut me out. I'm there for you I'll always be there for you. But that doesn't mean it's completely on your terms. You're helping him by doing this even if in his anger and resentment he can't see it. YOU CAN'T heal for him! That's not possible. That's something he has to do.

[Anonymous]

Were you still a teenager when you became a mom for the first time?

[Anonymous]

😂😂😂😂 oh girl