Is it normal to feel this lonely?

[Anonymous]

I have been married a year… ever since my husband and I were married, we have been really busy… the thing is, lately I’ve noticed that he basically gets home from work and is glued to his computer for the rest of the night. I take him his dinner in the bedroom where he eats by the computer because he doesn’t have energy to watch a movie with me…. He does do some video color correction for a movie on the side, but even after he stops for the night he just…. Watches YouTube and gets ready for his 2-3 dnd games a week…. I’m feeling really lonely… is this just…. Normal? Am I supposed to just…. Deal with it? I’m an introvert but… I feel like I can’t even talk to him… idk…. Am I doing something wrong?

[Levin]

@boomstheory makes an important point. In order to be a success in society, often we have to sacrifice ourselves. Indeed, we are spiritual creatures, and doing meaningless work depletes us and mean we have no energy at the end of the day. Which is incidentally, probably what 'they', whoever they are, want. A modern form of slavery.

However, two things spring to mind. What is your own life and activity like? Are you fulfilled in your job, friendship, other activities? If you're not busy throughout the day, then you're going to be more emotionally reliant on him. Not that you should make yourself busy to dull yourself, mind. Are you striving towards realising and bettering yourself? Do you have something that keeps you mentally, spiritually, emotionally and self engaged?

Secondly, you need to communicate with him. This is not much of a relationship as it stands. You can't expect to be so estranged while living under the same roof. Deep down, surely he must know this. There must be some reason for it all. Like I do get it. Busyness throughout the working day, leaves one feeling exhausted when they get home. To be fair I think a lot of people want to dull themselves by whatever means possible, whether it's through gaming, porn, TV, food, drinking etc. A lot of people, when they sit down on the couch, can't get up again, they're just too exhausted. Is it something in his work that means he's particularly exhausted? Why has the relationship dived to the degree it has? Did you guys used to be intimate? Ultimately, you need to start talking and communicating these things that make you feel uncomfortable. You need to tell him how you feel.

[Asker]

I love one of my two jobs—I have been so ecstatic about going to work and have been very lucky to find work in a field that really does make me feel fulfilled. I hate my second job in retail, but such is life, no? 😅 I know my husband… is off and on in his own fulfillment at work…. He doesn’t love the pressure they put on him but he really wants the steadiness of it. His true passion is in color work on film and he does that as a side profession, but… his CVS job takes a lot out of him and he vents about it a lot….

My two friends are a bit distant since we left college (just because of the whirlwind of life) and I tend to be a homebody when I get done with work…

On our one day off of work (the sabbath) we both pretty much just sleep the whole day… we get up, I make breakfast for us, try to surprise him with breakfast in bed, and then spend our day in and out of naps 😅

I did start the conversation last night after he finished DND and he seemed pretty receptive, so I have hope!

Thank you for your thoughts!!!

[joeldalton]

Why are you putting up with that shit? No it’s not normal. You say to him “We’re a family, and as a family it’s important to me that we have dinner together with conversation and no distractions. If you want to eat you’ll be at the table when dinner is ready” And stick to it

Secondly you say “Friday and Saturday nights are date nights. You don’t have to take me out all the time, but I want us to go out at least twice a week. That means no phones and no internet.” Also, it’s on you to plan some fun activities. It’s not just his responsibility.

[Asker]

I really appreciate these suggestions! I think one thing that got us into the cycle in the first place was not knowing where to go from here…. I don’t exactly have a relationship to base anything off of (my parents…. Don’t speak unless they’re arguing these days and this has been my only relationship ever…) I talked to him last night and said I would like us to eat dinner together each night (no phones) and he agreed. So, a step in the right direction! :)

[SnowedIn]

It is not normal to feel this lonely. But also the honeymoon is literally and figuratively over. As you already know, marriage is HARD work. It is work and it takes conscious effort every day.

To you question of "Am I doing something wrong?" -- no, you're not.

That said, stop enabling him. Be firm but loving that it's no longer acceptable for a grown man who is married to eat his dinner in front of his computer. That you'll eat at the table or a buffet in the kitchen or together on the couch. Then, stop enabling him: do not bring him his dinner. If you have to, lock the bedroom door so he can't go in there.

Also, reach him halfway. Join the D&D games. Have him help you make a character and start playing with him. Watch his YouTube with him. Have him teach you the color correction. You may think that you knew your husband before you got married but none of really know our spouse for a long time. Get to know him and work to have him learn about you.

And teach him about you.

If you belong to a church, inquire about their marriage enrichment classes. If you don't belong to a church, I still strongly suggest one of those classes. They will share valuable strategies for you both.

Finally, it may be useful for you both to find a couples communication class and/or a couple marriage counseling session. Don't wait for this any more.

Best wishes!

[Adaeva]

You are not doing anything wrong. It is just the difference between men and women. He needs you when he needs you but, afterwards, he's content just knowing you are there. Have you told him how you feel or do you expect him to be a mind reader and know what you are thinking? Women tend to think, "I shouldn't have to tell him; he should know."

You could ask him, "Since you are not giving me the attention I need, is it okay if I get it from another guy?" That will get his attention and may help for a while.

[boomstheory]

It's not normal per se as in what is intended for the individual to experience. But it is normal for the average westernized mail in this great technology science dystopia we live in. It's because we're not finding our true purpose in life and we're just doing meaningless task at a job everyday and we're spiritual beings and society is not the organic representation of our heart

[slatyb]

Normal? Normal isn't important. You are lonely in your marriage. That's important. You need to have a serious talk with him about this. I'm not sensing a lot of love here. Are there children?

[Asker]

There is a lot of love! Just… disconnect…. and no children as of yet…. To be honest, we’re both unlikely to be able to have any due to infertility… but we have two adorable fur baby kittens :)

[slatyb]

Then it sounds like you need to get out of the house and be alone together.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are both working flat out and he's stealing cycles on the computer to relax, and preparing for the highlight of his week - dnd.

He's neglecting you. He may not know it because you are not speaking up. So talk to him about it. Explain how you feel, that you need quality time with him.

Relationships are never free, they need to be fed.

[KathrynTaylor]

I’d say so. It’s a huge life change, being married and living with someone. Give yourself time.

[Kelly6]

That how marriage feels, you guys need some spice to it

[Asker]

Any recommendations? I’m… kinda out of ideas…

[Kelly6]

Depend on what you both like and fantasies

[Ryfyle]

MDMA, nuff said.

[Anemone978]

Yeah that sounds exactly like marriage to me that's why I left and am much happier alone NGL

[Asker]

But… I do love him… I just… idk…. But I hear you…

[Anemone978]

I still care about my ex and we still talk often and are great friends but I just needed to get away mind you I wasted 10 years in that...
You really need to force yourself to have a discussion about it, but really focus on not using blaming language guys tend to get very defensive lol I would say after really talking and getting to the bottom of stuff if he isn't willing to change, it is best to leave early while you are still young.

[AydenHazor]

That is not normal. Your husband should be paying you attention

[FunkyMonkee]

Have you tried walking around the house naked?

[Asker]

…not to put too fine a point on it, yes.

[FunkyMonkee]

Next time you take him dinner, do it naked and, instead of taking it right up to him, stand about 20 feet away holding the plate in your hand and say, "Come and get it!"

[Ryfyle]

Dude has some extra problems going on in his life, not to mention the world is going to shit.

[Asker]

True… we both work constantly and barely scrape by XP

[Ryfyle]

Well then there's your problem, the world is straight fucked like that for everyone.

[jwbjimmy23]

I think he watching porn on his pc find you a secret lover naughty chat , masturbating
find your local glory hole

[LazerBean]

No, it's not.

[Anonymous]

One word for you DIVORCE