Girlfriend won’t say I love you back. Am I overreacting?

Question

Hello,

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 4 months now. She is 33 and I am 27. I finally told her I loved her a week ago and when I said it, she said thank you so much and that was it. When I finally sat down with her, she told me that her past 2 relationships she said I love you and she poured her heart out to them and they both cheated on her and the last one physically abused her. She said she absolutely adores me and likes me being with her but it kind of upset me a little.

She still gets nervous when I hug her too long or I say beautiful things to her like complementing her or telling her she’s gorgeous she will kind of smile and get quiet. She told me she is starting to love me but doesn’t want to get hurt again because when she loves she loves hard. She told me she appreciates my patience with her and she will say it one day but I can’t help but be upset about it. Am I overreacting or is there a way I can comfort her more?

nitsuj86 · Accepted Answer

I'd say it's a bit of both.

I get where she is coming from, and 4 months isn't really that long. So even if you feel it, you can't make her. And making a big deal about it, isn't going to end well. So I wouldn't really make it into an argument.

My problem with this from her end is she is making you pay for her mistakes and the behavior of men in the past. When that has nothing to do with you.

Not only that, but she is pouring her heart out to ass-beaters and cheaters quickly, but when it comes to you (assuming) a good guy seems to treat her well, she doesn't have the inclination to do that. I have dated women like this in the past. You are doing too much. She likes the type of guy that doesn't give a fuck about how she feels. I know it sounds bad, but there is a reason she keeps choosing guys that screw her over.

I don't buy that because she had bad past experiences she can't bring herself to tell someone she loves them if she in fact does. That sounds more like what women say to not stir the pot, but also not say something they don't mean. Which means she does not love you yet.

You really have 2 options. Play the game, or lay it on the line, and be prepared to walk away.

1. Play the game - Pretend she is a girl you aren't that into, now act accordingly. Don't text first, stop the over-complimenting, all the extra stuff you do because you really love her, stop it. You need to have the attitude that SHE needs to prove to you why you should stick around. This could backfire if you like her too much to play the game effectively. I would personally advise against this, just for the stress it will cause you.

2. Lay it on the line - Take 2-3 days to yourself and really think about how this woman treats you. Tell her you are busy if she wants to hang out, don't make it seem like you are mad though.

Really think back, does she treat you well? Do you feel like she really likes you? Are you putting in more effort than her? Etc.. Write it down if you need to.

If you are happy with how things are going, then keep your mouth shut and keep seeing her. If you are not happy with the answers. You need to meet up with her, face to face, and tell her you are not happy with how this is progressing.

That you love her, and if she can't love you because the men in her past betrayed her trust, then she isn't ready for a relationship. You don't want to wait around for her to figure out if she wants to be with you. So either you love me and see a future with me, or we need to part ways. If she doesn't give the answer you want.

Walk away, and try and move on. She will probably try and come back, but if she lets you walk away after this convo, she doesn't love you and is just going to waste your time. Trust me.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

you don't say what your over reaction is. It's a great example of how trauma is functioning and how to protect each others emotions. This is an important part of relationships everyone should be trained in... you have to honor the emotions of each other.

So think of some creative solutions that help each other. Obviously, she's been hurt a few times and is showing the signs... trust, faith and who knows what damaged.

One solution is to find something she CAN say! And enjoy that. Give her space in that area and patience and build the support to where it is no longer a pain reflex. When you get through this then it becomes a strong foundation for you both. For example, can she say "I respect you", or say "I really like xyz you did or about you". etc.. just talk it out, respect, provide support and find mutual solution.

The really hard part is when honoring emotions conflicts with who you are or your values. compromise, problem solving, solutions... sometimes very hard.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You can help it by recognizing the situation you’re in and the sort of woman you are with. What she should’ve done was take some time before getting into a new relationship to heal from past trauma so that she could begin her journey with you without that emotional baggage. But it is what it is now. One thing I will say in her defense is that regardless of what she’s been through, not everyone falls in love at the same pace, and it’s important to both respect this and not rush that person to reciprocate those words if they aren’t ready. Sometimes their actions show the love that they aren’t ready to verbally express yet, so if you feel she shows you love then don’t fixate on the phrase too much. What you don’t want is for it to be reluctantly said on her part out of fear that you’ll be upset and keep dragging this on.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

You're saying and doing all the right things. People go into self-protection mode sometimes, and it can be a journey to get out of that mindset. But she's been forthright with you about why she is feeling the way she is, and she wants to be able to trust you. So the only thing to do now is just be patient and give it time. That's it.

You sound like a very good boyfriend. She's lucky to have you. Just enjoy each other. Her love for you will likely grow. For people like this, there is one answer and it is time + consistency. (The latter being on your part.)

coachTanthony · Answer

All you can do is support her. You're probably more upset that she went through this trauma then you are at her for not saying it. Therapy is also a good option depending on how bad stuff went down. Seeing a therapist is a good thing and you both could even go so you can make the relationship stronger by working through things that are setting up road blocks. Again don't know the details so take it with a grain of salt.

kylee2437 · Answer

Good for her for being honest about her feelings and isn’t stooping down to saying I love you just to please you. Just because you are ready to say it, doesn’t mean she is. Give her time, give her reason to say it back. Make her feel comfortable

Guy13 · Answer

It sounds like she’s expecting failure in this relationship too. It seems like it is a dead end until she has time to heal.

FriendlyCanadianGuy · Answer

Okay, I resonate with this so much. My first girlfriend of four years became really toxic, constantly broke up with me with the guise of "I was depressed" and we'd get back together within the hour.
I proposed to her, she is said yes, and 3 days after our families met, she called to break up and she and her sisters were laughing in the background... she also cheated...

I'm in a new relationship now, we're dating a year and a half now and she is infinitly better in every way... And I still have trouble telling her I love you because deep down I'm worried she'll leave anyway. She told me she loved me 2months into dating and I told her I have feelings of love for you, but I'm afraid to fall in love with u. Over time I've been getting more comfortable with telling her I love her, but still don't find myself as poetic or passionate as before... but I have made a lot of progress thanks to my girlfriend. She has been really supportive of my trauma and knows I love her, even tho I can't bring myself to say it all the time... and I do love her.

Anyway, your girlfriend sounds a lot like me, so I hope I gave an extrapolated perspective.

EmyyWolf · Answer

Lol,

you're 27 and telling someone that you LOVE her after only 4 months?
That sounds needy and g4Y.

Shouldn’t you know better at 27? Are you a simp? A mommas boy? Sounds like you have no experience with women.

And only 4 months? Are you kidding me? She doesn’t even know you. You don’t even know her. 4 months? 4 MONTHS ONLY?

She knows better.

Right now she’s investigating you like a background check. Specially someone who’s been abused before. She probably want to know if you’re a cheater, a serial p—rn user, a pED0, etc etc etc. You’re probably one of these throwback simps who can’t get their D wet. Your only option is a woman older than you. Your mind is child-like. Love doesn’t even exist. You love your mother. But romantic relationships are compromise and trust, not love. Leave LOVE for your parents and the fairy tales. Grow up a little. You’re 27.

JamesDiaz11 · Answer

You're not looking to "comfort her more," you're looking for a way you can get this older, damaged woman to reciprocate your feelings- it's not gonna happen.

When a woman has been hurt repeatedly, and had failed relationships it limits their ability to pair bond, which translates to LOVE. If she doesn't feel connected to you, your relationship will feel to her as a pairing with someone she likes, but her emotional self will not be invested (especially compared to what she's experienced in the past).

It sounds like you're looking for the type of puppy love attachment that a younger woman can have. You're not going to get this from a woman in her 30's who has been hurt. It's not a matter of her simply trusting you, or liking you, she literally is incapable of bonding with you to the degree where she will FEEL that she loves you. She may say it one day simply out of appeasing you, but that's what you get when you date an older woman.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

It’s not your right or your responsibility to change her feelings or behavior. You have to decide for yourself if you’re able to accept what she has to offer at this time or if it’s a dealbreaker. Trying to change her mind or heart will likely produce a result very different from what you want.
You’re not “overreacting” if your reaction is natural. You might be if it’s a learned or otherwise contrived behavior. You have the same rights to your natural feelings as she has to hers. You have to examine yourself to come to terms with what you feel, as compared to what you have been told you should feel or think others expect you to feel. In the meantime, keep your communication open and honest to try to avoid simmering resentments.

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

You have a right to to feel the way you do. Although she had 2 bad relationships, she has to accept the fact that is the past and you have absolutely nothing to do with that. Her reply is absolutely terrible to say overall.
The both of you are adults, but what people have to understand others need more time to warm up to that.

I don't know what else to tell you, but her trauma/bad experience is doing my leading for her than her own intuition. She doesn't have trust in you if she feels uneasy to your affection. It's up to you on how you move past this, but if this is ongoing and nothing has changed, you have to make a tough decision.

BJP21 · Answer

Dont take it personal. Some of the things you might be doing are triggering her to be anxious. Saying "I love you" to her can be deemed a negative thing to say to her because of the abuse she went through. She could be mentally scared. The best you can do is be patient with her and continue to say positive things and know when to back off if she's getting nervous or anxious.

UmbrusNightshade · Answer

Research shows men tend to say it first … usually between 3 -6 months. Women tend to not say it (because they aren’t sure they feel it) until 6 - 12 months.

If you feel you love her and things continue to progress positively, just give her time. If she starts pulling away, she probably doesn’t feel the same.

DizzyDesii · Answer

Im honestly shocked it even took 4 months to say “i love you”. By 4 months im tryna see if there's more if im IN LOVE with them. But yea if she said “thanks” then thats a red flag kinda 🤣 Some of us move to fast, some move slow, and some dont move at all. She ain't movin man

SlavicThor · Answer

She needs time and patience. Make her feel free and never get upset when she doesn't reciprocate, let her know your love is unconditional. Refrain from saying 'I love you' to her until she says it first next time. This will make her feel safe and comfortable around you.

DaddyRollingStone · Answer

I think you should rethink the relationship. Its very odd to date that long and not say I love you. Its not like you’ve known each other for a few days.

if she isn’t ready for that she isn’t ready for you at all. Sorry my man.

exitseven · Answer

At least it seems like there is hope. Try to give her a little more time. It sounds like you have her on the ropes. Give her some more line and then reel her in.

CA4444 · Answer

Sounds like she hasn’t fully moved on from her previous love/relationship (s) which is not great in my opinion.. maybe she would need time alone tahts what I would truly need

Rockstarrrrr · Answer

Well she explained everything... But also it's kinda understandable that you're frustrated with it... I think she just told you she loves you too in a subtle way 👍👍

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

She's been cheated on and abused. Her love and trust has been crushed by other dudes.

You are going to have to be extremely patient til she heals from all her hurt before she fully trust you and say I love you.

Sasha0426 · Answer

Just have patience. Plus, you’ve only been together for four months. To her, it might feel too soon to say ‘I love you.’ Especially, when she had bad experiences.

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

She’s been hurt and has difficulty putting herself in a vulnerable position. Just try to be patient and understanding with her. She will come around.

rienna888 · Answer

Umm wtf tell her how you feel, you deserv to be said I love you to

Girlfriend won’t say I love you back. Am I overreacting?

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