Girlfriend doesn’t show the affection I crave?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been seeing this girl now for about 6 months. We’ve been long distance dating and in the beginning she was very lovey dovey and affection with me. But recently, she hasn’t been very affectionate with me and it hurts. She hasn’t been saying the lovey dovey things that I love and has been at times pushing me away.. while reassuring me that she wants to be with me. It hurts me to not have to not her reciprocate how I act towards her. I love her very much.

Her acting this way towards me makes me want to not be affectionate towards her and just see what happens.

At this point, I’m so hurt.. I don’t know. Whatever happens, happens. Maybe she’ll begin to be more affectionate that way? I hate to speak directly on the topic too much because it hurts me..

I’d love to hear some takes/advice on this. Thank you.

P. S we’re supposed to meet up in person in about 2 months.

[Anonymous]

What you want to do is manipulate her into loving you properly, and that’s just not the way to go. LDR relationships are not meant for everyone. Maybe in the beginning the distance wasn’t such a big deal for her but after a while, that desire and need for physical touch, intimacy and dealing with you in person actually becomes taxing, draining, overwhelming. I can’t speak for her and what’s on her mind but she may be experiencing this but recognizes how much you love her and want the relationship, so she doesn’t want to hurt you. It wouldn’t surprise me if you’re the kinda guy to beg, plead, or push to stay together, ignoring the signs which to me are pretty clear. Rather than acting selfishly (no offense) and trying to adhere to what you want, take a look at her actions and ask yourself if they reflect her words. My guess is not so much.

[Asker]

Is what I’m going through cliche or.. am I just some kinda stereotype? What you just described is pretty much me down to a T (but some things are not my reality). I’m sorry if it comes across as me wanting to manipulate or control this person (that’s not my wish to do so at all) and I acknowledge that isn’t the way to go. I was more so going to be gauging to see how she feels about me when I stopped being as affectionate. You’re right, LDR isn’t for everyone. I feel like you hit the nail on the head when it comes to the distance not being too much of an issue for her at first, but then overtime being an issue. Luckily, we should be meeting up in person soon (less than 2 months).

I wouldn’t say that dealing with me is taxing or draining. I will say that I feel a bit drained because of how I’ve been feeling towards this situation but she’s even told me that I’m strong for “dealing with her” everyday. I’m sure she sees how much I love her and want to be with her but I’ve always been supportive of her doing what she wants to do. I don’t beg and cry for her to stay with me.. the idea of her leaving hurts but I want her to be truly happy. I know she doesn’t want to hurt me but she needs to put her life first. She just goes through a lot mentality and trying to be there for me on top of it is a lot. As far as ignoring the signs of her not wanting to be together, I feel like I’ve been there but she continues to reaffirm and show me that she wants me, despite not being as affectionate as before. I guess she just found it tiring. I am watching her actions.. I’m watching her actions and they point to her wanting to be with me.. just not being as lovey dovey as before.
Thank you for your response :) it really made my day.

[Opinion Owner]

No problem dude, I’ve done 3 different LDRs in the past to where now I know that arrangement would never be for me lol.

When I say that it’s taxing or draining, I don’t mean you as a person. I mean the feelings that come with distance, and really wanting to close that gap. I remember having times where I’d push my partner away because I was so upset with not being able to see him in person. Sometimes you want a hug, to hold hands or even lay and hold each other. Go out to the movies or to dinner, things that in my mind are normal for a couple.

The perks with the beginning of an LDR (or any online dating) is that you have to connect with each other mentally, and when the vibe is strong, conversations are great, etc. then that’s what can get a person through those first few months. After a while though, the relationship feels more like a fantasy when you aren’t able to be together. Even the aspect of seeing you in 2 months can be both exciting and depressing for her, because as soon as it comes then the visit is over and you’re back to figuring out your next steps.

I’m glad you’re practical as you can be and mindful of her feelings, but please don’t resort to “trying less” or giving less attention or whatever in an effort to gauge a reaction, because even if you don’t intend to manipulate, it is, since you’re basically taking away something in hopes to get what you want. I’m sure she loves you, but maybe you need a serious conversation about the functionality of the relationship, what it does for both of your mental health (especially hers outside of what she tells you), and what can be done to make things work long term, like moving closer together. LDRs do not work without a silver lining and are not meant to be long term.

[Asker]

This is my first time ever doing something like this and it’s definitely different from what you would have in person (not that I would know much about that either, this is my first serious relationship).

Ahh, I see what you’re saying. There’s been many times where I wanted to be there with her physically and it just starts to feel weird and hurt.. I can only imagine how many times she’s wanted to hug me when she wasn’t feeling good but couldn’t. Yeah, she’s definitely pushed me away because she doesn’t see me. You’re right, she talks about wanting to do normal couple things and go out on dates.

I think that we have the great convo and are on the same wavelength mentality, but what you’re saying is true.. the relationship begins to not feel real. I think we’re fortunate that we’ll only be apart for. 6-7 months before being together in person. I don’t plan on making a visit, I plan on making a move.

I thank you once again for responding. You’re right. I shouldn’t be taking out my frustrations on her and in turn hurt her or make her less excited to see me.

WOAH! You’re so right! I always had an idea of manipulation but didn’t know how it was applied practically. Taking something away in hopes of controlling a person’s behavior is a HUGE no-no. Having a sit down and chat would be good. We talk on the phone every night and lately I haven’t been trying to turn it into anything too serious because whenever I tell her that I have an issue, she gets really sad and says she has to let me go (she worries that she’s not doing as much for me as I’ve done for her).

I agree on the silver-lining and long term.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh so you do have a plan to move closer, that’s good to hear! Maybe you can remind her to keep things in perspective, like you’ll see each other soon then you want to move closer, I’m sure it would be reassuring. As for having talks, there has to be a healthier way to navigate that than being avoidant, because what you don’t want is to become mute or walking on eggshells out of fear she will take it the wrong way. You need to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to one another, you know? It’s ok to be gentle and mindful of her feelings, that’s healthy! But you shouldn’t lessen yours to accommodate hers, if that makes sense. Anyway, I’m wishing you a lot of luck with this, hopefully it’s the outcome you want and if not, then have faith that god will give you the strength to get through it as he always has.

[Asker]

Ohhhh my goodness. I know I’m not crazy. We don’t even know each other but you’ve been able to explain my situation down to the T. I have at times felt muted or as if I have to walk on eggshells because I’m afraid of what her reaction would be and I brought that up to her at one point. I don’t like when she takes what I have to say the wrong way because I love and respect her very much and never mean to cause her harm. I agree, you have to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings. I try my best to be as patient and gentle as possible. Thank you. I believe that everything is going to work out. I truly feel that He was the one who lead me to her, that’s why we’ve clicked so well so far. Thank you for hearing me out and for being so much help. God bless you.

[Opinion Owner]

This must be one of those things where we were clearly meant to cross paths my friend lol, I’ve traveled a similar path so I understand where you’re coming from. You may be very right about god leading you to her, and the purpose you have yet to see. But while remaining in the present, I think it’s important for you to set some boundaries, no matter how minimal they are. Even if it’s felt like years, 6 months is still early enough to carve a path. Everything you do right now, sets the foundation of what your relationship will be built on for weeks, months, years to come, so this earlier phase is important. Don’t be afraid to have a talk with her, and find your own way of explaining that when you mention something is bothering you, it is not necessarily coming from a place of anger or dissatisfaction. It’s a disconnect really that you want to know how to mend. I’m not sure how much softer you can put it without her taking it the wrong way, which to me does raise an issue, but you can resolve that on your own accord. There has to be a space where you can both express yourself, otherwise your relationship will rely on adhering to her boundaries solely. She can be a blessing or a lesson, time will tell which she is.

[Asker]

I agree with you. I’m glad that we were able to speak. If I truly do believe that this is a divinely ordained relationship, then I should be making sure to get across the kind of person I am and the requirements (as crazy as it sounds) that come along with me. We should also take time to talk and understand where we see ourselves going and what that journey would entail. I don’t want to bog her down with too much relationship/marriage talk because I think that we’re both still young have a lot to learn about life (she recently has stated the same). I believe that we will grow together (she said that too).

I don’t want to be afraid to talk to her but she sometimes feels as thought I’m too good for her and that I should find someone who’s closer to where I live. So anytime that I bring up any issues that I’m having, she sees it as some sort of confirmation bias to her belief of her not deserving me or me deserving better. It’s tough. I just love and respect her so much and I just wish that we could get through any issues. I don’t want to just simply keep acting as though all is well and be unable to share my feelings. It’s not that I can’t.. it just hasn’t ended super well for me. I’ve been praying that she is the blessing and not the lesson lol. I think we’re perfect for each other. She even told me that I’d make a perfect husband for her.. but she questions if she’d be a good wife for me. I don't know.

[Asker]

Welp. It all fell apart. We spoke on the phone and she explained to me that she’s been feeling down for the past week (explains the lack of affection, she was sad). She told me that she feels like it’s not fair to me that she’s hurting from the past and still healing while dating me. I told her that I loved her, no response. I told her I wanted more of her, no response. I told her I was craving her affection, no response. I flirted with her, and she just looked away. She asked a question, I answered and she gave me attitude (maybe I answered improperly). She was mean to me. She hung up on me. She hurt me :(. I sent a few messages telling her that I was sorry (not really apologizing for anything but maybe I said something wrong). I told her that I don’t deserve her love and that I treasure every once of it. Life is hard and I don’t really know what I’m doing. I need a cliff

[Opinion Owner]

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry to hear that. To be fair, given what you wrote you genuinely didn’t say anything wrong, and I don’t think this is about you at all. She’s still trying to get over her ex, which does explain her behavior a bit more, aside from the distance. I’ll be honest, it troubled me to see the part about not deserving her love, repeatedly apologizing when you weren’t wrong and all that. It kind of taps into what I initially said about you striking me as the sort of man to plead for her to stay. I wasn’t saying it in a derogatory way, you just seemed a lot more invested in making the relationship work than she seemed.
In any case it’s a brand new day, maybe she will reach back out, but I think your approach needs to change. Like you said, life is hard and I know it feels better when you can get through it with someone you love. But love has to come properly, and just as you need someone who’s ready to give it, you need to be ready as well and I don't know if you genuinely are. You may have some deep rooted trauma to heal as well, so that you can build yourself up and realize that your love is just as important as hers or any other woman. You should never demean yourself or act unworthy in an effort to match a level she feels she’s on. You can still uplift without putting yourself down, and there seemed to be a lot of that in an effort to accommodate her being sad. I don't know what’ll happen with you two, but I feel like that approach must stop. It’s toxic.

[Asker]

I don’t think it has anything to do with me either. I asked her the other night if it was something I said and she said no. I guess I should have prefaced everything by saying that I did meet her coming out of an abusive relationship. I said those things in a last attempt to try and change things. I wanted to pour my heart out and leave nothing left. I never beg and plead with her to stay with me, I tell her to do what she feels is best. I don’t want to force anyone to be with me. Thank you for clarifying that. You hit the nail on the head about me trying to make it work when the other person doesn’t want it to. At this point… I think I’m gonna throw the towel in on this one. It’s caused me a lot of distress. She keeps telling me it’s not fair for me and the writing on the wall is obviously. I hope she does reach out and if she brings up it not being fair to me again, then I think I’ll use this exit. You think I might not be ready? I feel like I’ve been coming to that realization lately.. I’m trying to rush things or maybe this is just a case of right person, wrong time? I dunno. I just always wanted my person.. it’s not fair to me.. or to her. It’s just destroying my life.. she has to deal with her pain and focus on Jesus. My feelings are important.. I just wasn’t expecting this girl to break my heart like this.. I dunno if this is heartbreak but it’s not hurting much right now (probably because it’s the morning after lol). I can still uplift without putting myself down.. that’s good. Thank you so much for sharing that with me :). You’re right.. I try to bring myself to ground zero to make her happy.. but she doesn’t need that. It is a toxic approach. The more I read, type, and look back on the situation.. I’m not a great guy to have. I have a lot to work on and grow as a person. Thank you once again for all your responses and for caring about my situation. God bless you.

[Asker]

Also something to note earlier in the week she was thinking I should cancel my trip and that she’s tired of doing all this stuff with guys just for it to not work out. It’s not fair to me. She said she was just thinking that at the time.. 🤷‍♂️

[Opinion Owner]

Im not sure if you’ve heard from her yet, but I think you make a very good point about her needing to deal with her pain and focus on Jesus. Maybe her heart was in it in the beginning but slowly she realized she still wasn’t over her ex, the distance probably plays a hand in It as well. But whatever the case, I think she needs to be in a healthier frame of mind. She’s just fighting some real demons right now from the sound of it and I don't know if you or anyone else can boost her out of that. She has to want to feel better, be happier, it takes motivation. As for you, maybe you should focus on being happier on your own, so that when you find the right woman you will already be whole with her just being an addition to that happiness. I get wanting to be in a relationship and find your person, before I found who I’m with now I was really focused on dating. But as a result I think I dove into things too fast. Maybe you did as well, like giving it your all and putting your whole heart into that relationship rather than being more cautious and minding the red flags (like not being able to really talk without her overthinking, that’s concerning).
I am huge on believing that we are on no one else’s time but gods. He will put you where you’re supposed to be, and the more you fight it the more you block your blessing. I think of who I’m with now and I’d never have found him if I didn’t lean into my faith. He’s better than even the guys I thought were end game and I’d never get over lol. Basically I’m saying to let the cards fall as they may and trust these things happening as they should.

[Asker]

I did hear from her. We didn’t talk much the whole day and I was assuming that it was all over and I was just waiting for the finishing blow. She text me & called me by the nickname that she has for me and asked how I was feeling and told me she missed me. I told her that I thought that she didn’t like me anymore and she called and we spoke a bit. She just told me that she wasn’t feeling great yesterday. She said that we’ll seal again in a little bit and go over everything :). She said that she did hear me about not getting enough “attention” (I’ll correct her on that later). I spent a lot of my day just focusing on other thing and she kept popping into my head.. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and turns out she was doing the same. I hope that when we speak later tonight, we’re able to put all the right things in place. I believe that in the right time God will make it happen too. I’m super happy to hear that you’re in a happy relationship now. Things seem to be going good, I’m excited for what the future holds. Thank you once again for being so kind in your replies and being so understand. It means a lot.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks so much☺️ I figured you’d hear from her, things are never over that easily lol. If you haven’t asked yet, I think an important question would be in regards to both her ex and her mentality. For one, her mention of not being over him isn’t something to easily dismiss. I’d ask where she stands in regards to that, and if she feels genuinely ready to be in this sort of relationship. Since this is all going on right now, of course you will still think about one another and clearly you have very strong feelings for her. But what you don’t want is to keep winding up in this position of being thrown through the emotional wringer whenever certain feelings set in on her behalf. As you know, a relationship won’t always be sunflowers and daisies, you’ll have you’re qualms and need to be able to speak about them, along with having peace of mind and stability. If she’s willing to work on herself and adhere to things that will make your relationship more functional, then that’s what you want.

[Opinion Owner]

Also, no problem! I’m just glad that anything I say can be helpful. It feels like just yesterday I was in your shoes, so I get the feelings that come along with it and it’s hard.

[Asker]

That’s true. Sometimes things aren’t as bad as we may think. She spoke to me about it and let me know that it’s hard for her to wrap her head around the idea of being with someone new because she always planned on just being with one person her whole life. She for sure wants to be with me but we just need to take things slow. Once we’re together in person we’re gonna be able to take things really slow. Thank you. I understand that things will not always be perfect and I hope that me and her are able to make things happen. Thank you once again. I think we’re gonna make it all the way :). God bless you and take care! John 3:16

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry for such a late response, I thought the question was gone but turns out you just anonymized it so It wasn’t in my notification feed anymore lol. But hey I’m glad you two got a chance to clear the air. Hope it all works out!